Thursday, December 31, 2015

My health matters

There are times like this when I see things clearly.  My thoughts that are obsessive no longer scare me.  The issue is that I would like to happen everyday.  I was so afraid one minute and another minute nothing scares me.  I am doing okay today and I guess that is why.  Ironically, I am thinking and pondering over losing weight yet I am so busy eating the unhealthiest of foods.  That is I guess how it goes...for now. Procrastination is not the key to losing weight, but to gain weight.  Well, that is what happens.  I have no resolution, nor do I have a plan.  The resolutions and the plans have limited me to the point where I have questioned why I have allowed myself to get to my size.  Losing weight is not only a struggle but a journey full of questions, fears, and doubts.  At least this journey will keep me busy.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Being a witness

I have OCD.  That is a fact.  Being a witness for the Lord.  That is the truth.  How do I witness to someone else about the Lord?  I don't want to force someone to convert.  That is not my job.  My job is to preach the gospel to all the world.  I wish that all of us in the world would repent.  All of us will be judged one day.  We will also have to answer for how we all lived.  Sadly, only a few will actually walk the narrow road.  I wish that all of us would walk that road.  That is a sad reality. 

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Being honest

I am doing well today. Being honest is good for the mind, body, and spirit.  Holding it all in has caused me much stress, but so has lying.  There are also physical ramifications for lying as well. I choose to be an  honest person, for honesty is the best policy.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Reflections on religion and entertainment

So I am watching reality tv and as far as the obsessive thoughts, this isn't bothersome.  I can turn the tv off.  How come this show doesn't bother me when other shows bother me or bore me?  I realize that whenever I watch a tv show, read a book, or watch a movie, it isn't about avoidance due to OCD. It is about wondering if this glorifies God.  Much of what doesn't bother me doesn't glorify God.  I realized that earlier today.  I became convicted by the Lord and what He has me to do.  For instance, I used to watch fight videos, which were unsanctioned.  They were about bullying, brawls, beatdowns, and cat fights.  They weren't in themselves bothersome, but they did not glorify the Lord.  In other words, were they worth watching as a Christian.  I realize that there were things that were things that provide peace of mind, glorification of the Lord, wholesome, and I don't have to worry about avoidance.  I have to ask myself those questions about the importance of what I watch and the content of these thoughts.  The thoughts of watching violence worries me and sex bothers me as well.  I need to live a life that glorifies the Lord and not my own desires.  God is watching.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

The Day After Christmas

I enjoyed yesterday.  Actually, I also enjoyed this day, as well.  I am glad that today was not a typical Saturday at this house.  I have managed to live.  That is all I ever wanted to do was live life.  Dealing with obsessive thoughts could have easily robbed me of living my life.  Don't think also that it hasn't tried.  It has been hard to deal with.  I find my time doing something at least productive.  I have learned that even the littlest of things can be somewhat productive.  Playing with a lonely cat is good for keeping my mind busy at least.  I have learned with having obsessive thoughts never to take things for granted.  Maybe I should at least be thankful for that.

Friday, December 25, 2015

Keeping busy this day

I realize that these thoughts are exaggerations of real life.  I just think that despite the situations being real or fictional, they are only thoughts.  It no longer matters.  I kept busy for the most part.

So, Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Questions about and learning about my obsessive thoughts

I have learned that keeping busy is something that can be helpful when it comes to having obsessive thoughts.  It has been 9 years since I had those thoughts about infidelity and the consequences of infidelity.  I need to see that both men and women, gay and straight, cheat.  I need to see that.  How come?  How come I can see that?  Why can't the thoughts mesh with reality?  I want to see things from all points of view.  Jesus told the adulterous woman to go and sin no more.  I recall that I had thoughts about infidelity.  It was just random thoughts about infidelity mainly committed by women. All I know is that I will never truly know how something becomes so twisted. That is just how I feel about having obsessive thoughts.  Over the years, I have become more anxious and even isolated in some cases.  I do need a life of my own, especially a social life.  I realize that learning to deal with people and being friends (or not friends) with them will take time.  However, it is so much better than dealing with what I am dealing with right now.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Exposing those who cheat

I plan to have a good Christmas.  I love to give.  However, I also love to receive.  I had thoughts about women, and men, being humiliated because they have cheated on their boyfriends or girlfriends.  One girl set her cheating boyfriend's privates on fire.  I was thinking as wrong as he was, no wonder he cheated.  I also remember a girl getting caught naked for cheating on her boyfriend with the boyfriend showing to the cameras his reaction.  What in the world?  I believe that it is fake compared to the first story.  I don't think that cheaters should be shamed online.  It makes the one being cheated on small, petty, and just plain mean.  Let the cheater go or let them earn the cheated on's respect and trust.  That is how a situation be handled.  I have my opinions on relationships, but they seem to be irrelevant compared to what I believe about how cheating should be handled.  Jesus gave an adulterous woman mercy, yet he tells her not to sin anymore.  Jesus is supposed to be an Example, right?  Whatever happened to that in a country where Jesus Christ is often proclaimed?  

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

A possible link?

I still wonder if there is a connection between having OCD and demonic forces.  The demonic forces often produce demonic thoughts.  They are not about my life.  They go against who I am and what I am about.  One things is for sure: I am glad that it does not.  Maybe I should finally see these thoughts for what they are.  My faith shall make me whole, just like the woman with the issue of blood.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Living in freedom

I miss being bored.  I have a hard time living in freedom.  I don't want the thoughts mind you.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I guess my biggest fear is that they would come back after Christmas, or after New Years.  I don't want for that to happen.  Right now, my thoughts are either manageable or non-existent.  I hate that they are manageable, but I guess I have to get over that.  I am still inspired by the woman with the issue of blood.  I believe Jesus heals and I still believe that He will heal me someday.  I just praise the Lord that I am alive.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Today was I guess a good day

Today I don't remember having obsessive thoughts, though it is possible to have these thoughts.  I guess that today is or was a good day.  I define a good day as one where I don't get too caught up or bothered by a thought or two.  So by that definition, I am okay today.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Content of some movies especially

Today, I finally realize that it is okay to feel "dirty" about certain things.  I guess it would mean that it is best to feel guilty in a way.  Today, that was how I felt when watching clips of some movies.  I know that those types of movies do not honor God.  Many of them are demeaning so they do not honor me either.  I would not think that they would bother me but it makes no sense, other than finances, why a person would create such a film unless it is to just get a reaction or tell a story.  Well, some stories are better left untold.  The content of some movies are quite bothersome, such as a relationship falling apart, rape, gratuitous violence and sex, and a lot of cursing.  I know that bad things happen in the real world and I find myself sheltered, but I can watch another movie or change the channel.  With the real world, however, that is much harder, if not, impossible to do.  As much as I am stuck in a "fantasy world", it is so sad at times that I would find greater comfort in this cruel real world than I would have in the world which I have created.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Totally flawed thinking about relationships

I felt like getting out of there.  I was watching a talk show and the guy wanted his girlfriend back. Things hopefully will improve for the couple.  Since watching that segment, I felt hopeful for the guy.  My hope is that women will not only be self-respecting ladies but to see things from a man's point of view.  I think women who cheat are being so stupid.  They are also  being foolish.  While I believe in my views, my views about men aren't much better.  Men in general are cheaters so therefore good men are so few.  However, I see thoughts from a man's point of view, especially if the guy treats her well.  I wonder how a woman could not treat her man well enough.  I wonder why she would do that.  Those are what my thoughts are about.

I realize that my thoughts about relationships and infidelity are rather hypocritical and short-sighted, not to mention wrong at certain point.  Most of all, I would like to change that viewpoint and see things from a sensible and not a wrong, hypocritical, and such a short-sighted point of view.  I can try to think and write all of the right things, but do I believe it in my heart and in my mind?  Those are the things I avoid.  Since 2006, I have had these thoughts about a cheating woman, namely a wife.  I have fearful thoughts about a woman cheating but not a man, but now I know why.  The OCD latches on my negative, and a wrong point of thinking. The question is not only how to overcome the flawed thinking that I have but to overcome the avoidance that I have struggled with.  

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Healthy avoidance is actually about being cautionary

Today, I find myself trying to be reminded of what I am afraid of.  As a believer, I wonder if OCD avoidance is a good thing.  Personally I don't think so.  It adds to the doubting and to the fears.  I have don't things that "feed" my thoughts.  I have often asked for reassurance.  I realize that avoidance in a Christian way is a good thing, such as avoiding bad company, which would cause one to slip.  For example there is a young person who has confessed Christ but had no idea that his friends would be such bad company.  The friends use drugs and drink and party.  Are they a good influence on this professing Christian?  No, the friends are not, and their activities should be avoided at all cost. Those who have not avoided the temptation to get drunk or engage in premarital sex have not died to self.  I wondered if I have failed to die to self for engaging in gossip due to performing compulsions.  I also realize and have a need to, die to self daily.  Dying to self means to gain Christ and become holy. Self-denial denotes holiness and no longer desiring what the world desires because they live and walk in the flesh, for they are of the flesh.  The Holy Spirit is not in them for they don't know the Holy Spirit because they do not know God.  Those words give me great comfort and an even greater understanding of the difference between godly, healthy avoidance, which is caution and avoidance caused by having OCD; it makes the world a smaller place despite it one thinking that the world is a "dangerous" place with all of the disease, sin, and hatred.  There are those things but there is also love, hope, hearth, and kindness.  Lord, help me to keep all of that in mind,.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Examination of my thoughts

Yesterday, I pasted some Bible verses that were, and still are, quite comforting. How do I take every thought that exalts written in 2 Corinthians 10?  How do I think on true, just, lovely, etc...and also of good report?  I learned that the answer is to think on the things of God.  It isn't about the power of positivism or self-esteem. It is about thinking on and meditating on God's Word.  No obsessive thought or image that I know has honored God.  In fact, no one, including me, has been honored by these thoughts.  In fact, the thoughts and images have been demeaning and degrading. They produce anxiety, fear, and dread.  What honor is that?

I have learned that examining my thoughts is something that can help me to face my fears.  I don't like to avoid things, nor do I like to waste my time thinking on things that are not of God. Entertainment has not been an idol, but it has been a waste of time.  My priority first should be to God and what He wants.  That is more important than anything.  Writing out stories have also been cathartic, but they cause anxiety and feed my thoughts even more sometimes.

They have not hurt me except when they produce fear and anxiety.  I wish I could say that they don't hurt me, but they do.  I have to examine these thoughts for my own good.  I no longer wish to avoid things.  I don't want to watch television because of my thoughts.  I want to watch television for entertainment.  I don't want to watch television more than read the Bible.  I want to read the Bible, apply it to my life and the real world.  I don't want to any longer avoid anything, period.  I want to have some semblance of an actual life.  I no longer want to be shielded from the world.  I just want to live and grow and learn and stand on my own two feet.

Those are the things I want to do.  What am I afraid of?  I am afraid that I will be bound by the opinions of other people.  I want to see things from my point of view without passing ungodly judgement on others people.  I am not saying "love the sin" or "we shouldn't judge what other people do", but there is and will always be judgment, godly or ungodly.  Rightfully calling people out for their sins without hypocrisy or malice is godly judgment.  Calling people out with hypocrisy, malice, and with a lack of humility is passing ungodly judgment on others.  Hopefully I will learn to be an example of a godly, righteous, judge instead of a malicious, mean-spirit, milquetoast, or unrepentant judge who looks down on others.  I think infidelity committed by others is wrong.  If someone is wrong, then they need to repent.  Their sin should be righteously called out and dealt with for a lack of better terms.

Having said that, I don't like images which demean, violate, or embarrass someone, specifically a woman.  Doing that would make the wronged party small, petty, malicious, and in some cases, hypocritical.  While I have my views on the matter, I am in the business of examining those thoughts and why I have them.  A woman, or even a man, getting caught scares me so do stories of extreme infidelity, divorce, and paternity.  Once upon a time, I had thoughts that won't go away, but over time the thoughts "snowballed" and became more and more extreme and more and more exaggerated.  Out of the blue I begun to "learn" out avoidance and I have ever since avoided tv shows, books, and movies that would have sexual content.  The truth is, how do I no longer feed my thoughts?  What am I afraid of?  I have an image of a movie where the woman is a cheater and husband's family badmouths here.  I don't like it.  Maybe the problems are my sometimes unrealistic, black and white views on things.  I need to change my thought patterns and maybe write, or "tell" stories without passing ungodly judgment on the adulterer.

Jesus used righteous judgment and told the woman, "go, and sin no more".  I realize that Jesus showed mercy to a woman who was guilty of committing adultery and she was caught, in the very act.  The very act is what scares me.  I have questions about these questions about different stories, real, or fictional.  Will she cheat?  Will she be grateful, faithful, respectful, or loving?  Why did she want to be with or marry him?  How many men did she sleep with?  Are adulterers in general bad people; does one have to be a bad person to cheat?  Why does it seem less bothersome when a man cheats than when a woman cheats?

I tend to "see" things from either the man's point of view or from the point of view of others.  I do care what others think.  Examine my real life for a moment.  That may be a key to having these thoughts.  Why do I get scared of having a crush on a guy that I no longer find that attractive?  Why do I have sometimes have feelings about a guy who is dead?  Those are questions I ask myself, or should I even ask those questions?  Should I feel dislike for a person who has done something wrong?  I have learned that expressing myself and exposing thoughts that are bothersome help.  I have learned that not answering the content of those questions help.  I have also learned that writing out my thoughts, the thoughts that are in my head, help.  Examining those thoughts can prove to be hard work, but I don't wish to examine those thoughts and the results feed my thoughts.

I need to finally realize why, who, when, and where no longer matters.  I find myself wondering why other people do what they do.  I also find myself realizing that I am in need of a change in my mindset.  I need to work on myself and on my social life first.  I also need to seek God more for wisdom and guidance.  I also need to seek Him for a direction in my life so that I can be and remain wise as to how He wants for me to live.  I need to realize that while they come suddenly, they tend to fade away and sometimes even fade away.  Sometimes they return, which is just as scary.  I look up information on the internet and sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.

The thoughts even wake me up sometimes.  They are extreme, especially if the woman plays into my worst fears.  My worst fears is that she is an evil, vile, promiscuous, unloving, unkind, unfaithful woman with children that are not her husband's have not been forgiven, have been divorced, having been humiliated, dumped, ungodly judged, and will get caught in the very act with another man.  That is what I am afraid of and my answers will reflect that in some way, shape, or form.  I finally learned the scenarios contradict who I am and how I believe, whatever my beliefs are.  Those are the things I realize that I would like to change and there are times when I just need to relax and just need to live. Using the internet can be lessened.  I need something or Someone else to be my Guide and my Shield. It is time I ask questions based on what He thinks, because I am not of the world while still in it.  The one thing that I would like to remember is that the thoughts should not be held in such regard and that they will not last.  Also I also would like to remember what does and does not fuel anymore thoughts or shield them.  Being proactive and not trying to react to every thought by fighting does help greatly.  I am just glad that I finally realize that all will be and so far, is well.  "I can do all things..." is something that is my motto. 

Monday, December 14, 2015

Comforting Bible verses

Rev 21:9-27
"9One of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of the seven last plagues came and said to me, “Come, I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb.” 10And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God. 11It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. 12It had a great, high wall with twelve gates, and with twelve angels at the gates. On the gates were written the names of the twelve tribes of Israel. 13There were three gates on the east, three on the north, three on the south and three on the west. 14The wall of the city had twelve foundations, and on them were the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.

15The angel who talked with me had a measuring rod of gold to measure the city, its gates and its walls. 16The city was laid out like a square, as long as it was wide. He measured the city with the rod and found it to be 12,000 stadiac in length, and as wide and high as it is long. 17The angel measured the wall using human measurement, and it was 144 cubitsd thick.e 18The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. 19The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, 20the fifth onyx, the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst.f 21The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.

22I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. 23The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp. 24The nations will walk by its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it. 25On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there. 26The glory and honor of the nations will be brought into it. 27Nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful, but only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s book of life."

2 Cor. 10:4-5
"4 For the mweapons of nour warfare are not of the flesh but have odivine power pto destroy strongholds. 5 We destroy arguments and qevery lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to robey Christ,"

Isaiah 26:3
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."

Proverbs 3:6
"in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Phil. 4:6
"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

Phil. 4:8-9
"8Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. 9The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

Sunday, December 13, 2015

OCD and Isolation

OCD and Isolation
By Janet Singer
~ 2 min read

One of the most heartbreaking aspects of my son Dan’s descent into severe obsessive-compulsive disorder was his progressive isolation from his friends.

Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence for those with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and often becomes a vicious cycle. OCD isolates the sufferer, and this detachment from others, where the person suffering from OCD is left alone with nothing but his or her obsessions and compulsions, can exacerbate OCD.

In Dan’s case, many of his obsessions revolved around him causing harm to those he cares about. What better way to prevent this from happening than by avoiding friends and family? And this is exactly what he did. Even though in reality he could not even hurt a fly, in his mind the “safest” thing to do was to stay away from everyone. This is just one example of how OCD steals what’s most important to you.

Another common example is those OCD sufferers who have issues with germs. Avoiding any place or person that might carry germs (so pretty much everyone and everything) is about as isolating as you can get. Or maybe they are not even worried about getting sick themselves but rather are terrified they might contaminate others.

There are many other reasons why OCD sufferers might isolate themselves. Their compulsions might be so time-consuming that there is simply no time to interact with others; OCD has taken up every second of their lives. Or perhaps it is just too exhausting to be out in public, pretending everything is okay.

Let’s also not forget the stigma that is still associated with the disorder. Many with OCD live with the fear of being “found out.” How can they best prevent that from happening? Yup — they isolate themselves.

When someone is suffering deeply, whether it is with OCD, depression, or any illness, support from friends and family is crucial. Friends who reach out to the isolated person often are ignored, and after a while, they might stop trying.

This is what happened to Dan. I have no doubt his friends genuinely cared for him, but they didn’t realize the extent of his suffering, because Dan never let on. When their efforts to connect with him were rebuffed, they, not knowing what else to do, left him alone.

In some situations — college, for example — friends are the first ones to notice another friend’s isolation. Young people need to be made aware that withdrawal from others might be a serious cause for concern, and help should be sought.

OCD sufferers can isolate themselves from family as well. When Dan’s OCD was severe, we felt separated from him, even when he was living with us. He kept to himself and would not engage in conversation. He seemed as if he was in his own world, which in many ways he was: a world dictated by OCD. As difficult as it was to connect with him, our family never stopped trying, but it was mostly a one-sided effort. It wasn’t Dan’s fault that he couldn’t communicate with us, and it wasn’t our fault that we couldn’t get through to him. This insidious disease, OCD, was to blame.

While the Internet cannot take the place of face-to-face interaction, I do believe that social media sites have the potential to lessen the feelings of isolation that OCD sufferers feel. Connecting with others on forums, or even just reading about people who are suffering as they are, can help reduce loneliness, and in the best-case scenario, prompt those with OCD to seek appropriate help.

When those with OCD, or any mental illness, cut off those who care about them, they lose their lifeline. The support, encouragement and hope that are all so important for recovery no longer exists. I find this heartbreaking, as I truly believe the more we are pushed away, the more likely it is we are needed. This is something we should all be acutely aware of, and if we find ourselves or our loved ones becoming increasingly isolated, we should seek professional help immediately.


Saturday, December 12, 2015

Inspired by the woman with the issue of blood

I have prayed about being inspired by the woman with the issue of blood.  The woman suffered for a dozen years and have tried everything.  She tried Jesus by touching the hem of his garment.  Because of her faith, she was made whole.  I am inspired by this because of my conditions and disorders.  I have one than one condition that I face on  a daily basis.  It isn't easy at times but I guess instead of complaining, I should consider myself blessed.  I am happy to be alive.  Jesus saved me and changed me.  I know that Jesus is greater than any illness, disorder, syndrome, or condition, including OCD.  I am forever thankful that all of this is only temporary.  One day He will return and though it seems like things aren't perfect, I know t hat one day, OCD will only be a part of the past. That is something for me to keep in mind.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Here are some stories of exaggerated thoughts that I have written in the past.

A man finds out that his wife has indeed slept with half the town. The woman was a promiscuous
woman who was once pure in the marriage and before the marriage. They have been married for
20 years. Because of that purity, she has had an interest in sex that cost her her marriage. She
also takes advantage of her husband working long hours thus he is rarely home. She fails to see
that he is working to support her. She has since slept with over 57 men. Once the husband
found out, he divorces her. They live in a town of 25000 people.

2. A man's wife was screwing around with everyone at the post office but him. She is rather bored with him and wants some excitement. She makes excuses as to why she won't sleep with him.
She is always tired, she is always bored, or whatever the reason is. She is bored in the marriage
and she feels taken for granted. She is bored and they have a child together. All it needs is a
little communication. She has slept with over 25 men at the post office though realistically most
women would sleep with between 5 and 10 men in such a situation. The post offices employs at
the large city employs over 550 people.

3. A young man met this girl that he liked. They promised each other that they will be together because the girl went away for school. The girl did not keep her promise as he found out about
what she has done. She gave in to temptation and he saw 30 guys come in and out of her dorm
room. The girl did not keep her integrity. In fact, she was the campus whore. Interestingly
enough, she was a virgin before she went to college. She even believed that people should not
have sex before marriage. Something obviously changed her. The guy became bitter and hated
women ever since.

4. A woman has had 39 affairs. I know this for a fact because I am a friend of hers and didn't tell him because it was none of my business, but now I wish I did. Her husband claims that she has
had so many affairs that he had lost count, so he killed her. It was all the police needed during
the confession. He was later arrested. She nearly screwed everybody! He is now serving 20
years in prison. What is so ironic is that they were married for only two years.

These thoughts have a lot in common:
Why does she cheat on him?
How many does she cheat on him with?
She cheats with a large number of men though the thoughts in themselves don't tell the number of men she cheats with.

Can anyone give me an idea as to why I have these thoughts? Why do I have these thoughts? They are upsetting to me. They seem to take a life of their own and they have driven me crazy. These stories have helped me to cope yet it is hard to read them for fear that even they may cause a trigger. Should I read them and see them as just fictional stories that show a worse case scenario? I would like to ask a few questions, but would any questions about these scenarios cause me to gain reassurance which would only be temporary? Please pray that I can manage those thoughts.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Amazing pics with amazing quotes and prayers

"Faith, Love, and Hope " by Henry Battle

 January 2015 Christian children illustration

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Questions to answer

1. Are they meaningful?
2. Will they matter in the near future?
3. Are they of any value?
4. How will they affect me on a personal level?

The truth is, I already know the answers.  They have no meaning, they are not real, or of no value. Therefore, they really don't have an effect on a personal level because it is not my story.  Now I need to further ask myself these questions:

1. Do they honor God?
2. Do they honor me?
3. Can they really hurt me?
4. Why do I have these thoughts?
5. What are my fears and how to face them?
6. What are really the most important things to me?

No matter what the circumstances or the thoughts, they have never hurt me.  The contents seem to matter but I have to learn about the grand scheme of things.  I still have concerns and worries, but today was a good enough day  Even fictional characters will be seen as fictional.  Worrying about it does me no good.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

I got it!

1. Are they meaningful?
2. Will they matter in the near future?
3. Are they of any value?
4. How will they affect me on a personal level?

The truth is, I already know the answers.  They have no meaning, they are not real, or of no value. Therefore, they really don't have an effect on a personal level because it is not my story.  Now I need to further ask myself these questions:

1. Do they honor God?
2. Do they honor me?
3. Can they really hurt me?
4. Why do I have these thoughts?
5. What are my fears and how to face them?
6. What are really the most important things to me?

I had to realize that I had to live a life to please God and not man, including myself.  What in my life honors God?  What in my life isn't demeaning?  I will never truly know why I have the thoughts that I have, but I guess it never mattered then and it doesn't matter now.  I believe that it is okay to wonder but since I worry, I also tend to over-think or to mull over the specific details.  These thoughts in and of themselves have no meaning or value; all they produce is anxiety and fear.  They need some reaction by me but it is best to produce little or no reaction.  I realize that changing the channel or letting the thoughts pass also help.  

Monday, December 7, 2015

Being reminded

1. Are they meaningful?
2. Will they matter in the near future?
3. Are they of any value?
4. How will they affect me on a personal level?

The truth is, I already know the answers.  They have no meaning, they are not real, or of no value. Therefore, they really don't have an effect on a personal level because it is not my story.  Now I need to further ask myself these questions:

1. Do they honor God?
2. Do they honor me?
3. Can they really hurt me?
4. Why do I have these thoughts?
5. What are my fears and how to face them?
6. What are really the most important things to me?

I need help in reminding myself at times.  Often, I tend to forget what is important or who is important.  I also tend to forget to ask questions concerning obsessive thoughts.   I have to remind myself that every time a thought comes, I don't have to react.  I can be proactive.  I can counteract. Reacting to these thoughts I remember are counterproductive.  That is something else for me to keep in mind.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Reflection on the thoughts

1. Are they meaningful?
2. Will they matter in the near future?
3. Are they of any value?
4. How will they affect me on a personal level?

The truth is, I already know the answers.  They have no meaning, they are not real, or of no value. Therefore, they really don't have an effect on a personal level because it is not my story.  Now I need to further ask myself these questions:

1. Do they honor God?
2. Do they honor me?
3. Can they really hurt me?
4. Why do I have these thoughts?
5. What are my fears and how to face them?
6. What are really the most important things to me?

The most important things to me are faith and family.  Those are things that I need to focus on. Those are thoughts that last to me.  I am to have thoughts and think on those thoughts as God says to do. However, I have not always done so.  I do not feel okay about this.  The content bothers me, but I realize it is not about me or about my life.  In fact, my life is quite simple.  I am currently not in a relationship.  I have never cheated nor have I ever been cheated on.  I guess that is why I have these thoughts other than the fact that OCD will latch on to anything.   For me, it was gossip about cheating and that is what the OCD latches on to.  Well, that is what I have been fighting against for years.  On the other hand, it has taught me much about myself even though they don't affect me personally. To answer the above questions, there are no meaning or value to these thoughts since they are not honorable.  They don't honor God but they have never harmed me.  The hardest part is to face them head on.  Fear is false evidence appearing real.  Sounds a lot like my obsessive thoughts.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Answering the headline questions 12/5/15

1. Are they meaningful?
2. Will they matter in the near future?
3. Are they of any value?
4. How will they affect me on a personal level?

The truth is, I already know the answers.  They have no meaning, they are not real, or of no value. Therefore, they really don't have an effect on a personal level because it is not my story.  Now I need to further ask myself these questions:

1. Do they honor God?
2. Do they honor me?
3. Can they really hurt me?
4. Why do I have these thoughts?
5. What are my fears and how to face them?
6. What are really the most important things to me?

Here are today's headlines:
1. Robin Givens humiliates Mike Tyson.
2. Paris Hilton is the subject of mocking on "South Park".
3. Iggy Azalea responds to Erika Badu's comments.
4. Man catches wife in bed and lifts up the "covers".
5. The politics of race is a New York Times best seller.

I realized that if I wished to overcome these thoughts, I have to do what is most difficult and that is to answer the questions and hold nothing back.  I have had obsessive thoughts and troubling images on each of these headlines for years and I dare say that the common theme here concerns people doing wrong and done wrong.  I hate it.  I hate disses.  I hate humiliation.  I hate other people's reactions. I hate my own reactions sometimes.  What scares me is that I will become judgmental and hateful.  I also believe that what scares me more is that I won't have an opinion of my own.  In the grand scheme of things, none of these things don't affect me personally.  So why the obsessive thoughts and such images?  I have strong opinions and the OCD attaches itself to it.  No one deserves to be called out on in a humiliating way, murdered, beaten, mocked, or dissed.  This is clearly not a Christian society we are living in and it is scary and troubling that some people think it is okay.  I don't know Robin Givens, nor do I know her motives for doing why she did this but I think she should have handled things differently.  I don't know Paris Hilton either, but South Park went too far.  Good or bad, people have feelings.  Erika Badu went too far regardless if Iggy is a pop star who raps and doesn't seem to be a good person.  Women and men should not cheat yet I have no idea about infidelity other than the fact that it is a sin and will be judged by God.  Racism is also a sin and it is sad that the enemy has done a good job of dividing and almost destroying the human race (thankfully he didn't do this).  So none of these disses, humiliations, mockings, and revenge affect me personally specifically.  They are not God honoring nor do they honor anyone much less me. Having written these thoughts, they cannot hurt me.  Family, faith, character, and minding mine and the Lord's business are important to me as these thoughts have no meaning, or value.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Questions to answer 12/4/15

1. Are they meaningful?

2. Will they matter in the near future?

3. Are they of any value?

4. How will they affect me on a personal level?

The truth is, I already know the answers.  They have no meaning, they are not real, or of no value. Therefore, they really don't have an effect on a personal level because it is not my story.  Now I need to further ask myself these questions:

1. Do they honor God?

2. Do they honor me?

3. Can they really hurt me?

4. Why do I have these thoughts?

5. What are my fears and how to face them?

6. What are really the most important things to me?

Here is the scenario:
A man comes home from work and hears a noise.  He opens the door and then catches his wife in the act.  Then....

1. Should I go on?
2. Should I act on it?

Well, I have decided to answer those two questions by asking the above questions:
1. They are not meaningful as they have no real meaning.  I am not in a relationship right now.
2. It may seem that way, but I would forget about them in the near future because they don't have anything to do with me personally.
3. Because they are not meaningful and that I will eventually move on, they are no value.
4. I cannot see how this scenario will affect me on a personal level.

Further, I will answer more questions in greater depth about the images that have been bothering me off and on recently.  
1. They do not honor God for they are not godly.
2. They do not honor me for they are demeaning.
3. The thoughts cannot hurt me.
4. The truth is, I will never know, nor does it matter.
5. The fear is the fear of the unknown.
6. Truth, love, hope, family, faith, family, holiness, and giving.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Important questions to answer

From 12/26/13:

My obsessions bore me.  Once they end, it is as if I have to ask myself, what is next?  Why can't I just give myself room to breathe.  I cannot even watch a movie or a simple video without being triggered. I cannot even read a book without being afraid of a trigger.  My world has gotten smaller, much smaller.  I want to learn and grow and expand my world.  It is not happening as I write this.  Where do I begin?  Why am I so afraid?  How do I overcome my fear?  It is all fiction.  It is all vanity.  I have to constantly remind myself of that I guess.

I am a person who doesn't offend that easily though there are things that are offensive.  It depends on context and on how I would react to something.  How do I overcome the fear that I have?  How does perfect love cast out fear?  What are things that I like to do?  What shows do I like to watch?  What are books do I like to read?  How can I know what movie to watch without being afraid that something like a thought would be triggered by a word or two.  That is scary to me.  A thought would be triggered by a movie review, or anything.  I could use some prayer and I could use some help.  I just hope things will turn out alright.

After all this time:

I still deal with these same issues.  My counselor has given me some questions to answer whenever a thought arise?

1. Are they meaningful?

2. Will they matter in the near future?

3. Are they of any value?

4. How will they affect me on a personal level?

The truth is, I already know the answers.  They have no meaning, they are not real, or of no value. Therefore, they really don't have an effect on a personal level because it is not my story.  Now I need to further ask myself these questions:

1. Do they honor God?

2. Do they honor me?

3. Can they really hurt me?

4. Why do I have these thoughts?

5. What are my fears and how to face them?

6. What are really the most important things to me?

Number 6 especially is a question that could be a biography.  It is about searching myself and for myself.  To answer the other 5, these thoughts can not really hurt me.  No matter how real they may seem, I know that if I were to take a couple of steps back, then I could see clearly enough to know that all I have to do is answer that they are not real and real life is what I see on television.  No thought has ever hurt me, but they have scared me.  I look back and I still wonder sometimes what I am afraid of.  It is like something big and giant that is so scary that anything can be a trigger can scares me, but that something has never harmed me, but they scare me.  I guess it is the fear of the unknown.  I will never know and that bothers me.  The what if's, the why's, and the how's scare me. I hate uncertainty and that scares me too.  I need to change that aspect of my character.  I guess it is a character flaw, but it could be just a part of the doubting disease.  Will I ever come to a conclusion deep inside my heart that those doubts and fears do not have to control me?  I have done that for years and the thoughts have kept on looping and looping and looping.  The thoughts, doubts, and fears linger on and on.  It has left me with nothing but stress, more unanswered questions, and more anxiety.   I guess if these thoughts of no real value cannot hurt me, then why am I scared?  Why do I keep avoiding them?  Why do I care if I have these specific thoughts so much?  All I know is about the last question.  Sometimes I have to learn that some things just don't matter, because as it seems, nothing seems to make sense in the world anyways.

Monday, November 30, 2015

NBC live performances

It isn't like the original, but it is so much better than most of the Peter Pan live play.  The first 30 minutes of Peter Pan was pretty good.  Much of the rest of the broadcast had its problems.  However, despite the fact that the movie was better, the Sound of Music live play on NBC was pretty good. Many critics have failed to realize that Carrie Underwood wasn't an actress by trade.  Her acting was believable considering that.  However, it was her singing that was really good.  I like shows like this as my mind knows that it is fiction.  Finally something that I want to watch.  Hopefully the Wiz will be good too.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

The appearance of evil

Listening to artists like Mariah Carey don't bother me in terms of my thoughts.  There is nothing about this song or video that has an appearance.  I have come to realize that abstaining from what is wrong is what can be of great help in my "journey" to wellness or rather, wholeness.  Living and being holy are requirements to being a Christian.  Sadly, there are times when I often forget.  Well, it is time for me to remember.  I realize that some shows, movies, and books have evil content, so I have to learn to avoid them.  I am not saying that all avoidance is healthy, but there is a healthy type of avoidance.  I believe that that would be an example of  abstaining from the appearance from evil.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Taking a break...

 "Mary, Did You know?" by Pentatonix

 "Silent Night" by The Temptations

 "O Holy Night" by Jennifer Hudson

I know that this isn't Christmas, but that is one thing that I am thankful for.  I manage to keep busy during the holidays and that is a plus.  Having thoughts that are not worth having and keeping busy equal less worry.  Maybe I should continue to keep all of this holiday "season" in perspective.  In fact, I should keep everyday of the year in perspective.  If only I had done this earlier, but it isn't too late.  That is a good thing.  Being thankful also does a heart good.  

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The need to reference

I need to learn about redefining and re-evaluating my life.  I realize that writing this.  I wish I had referred back to my book instead of referring to movies, tv shows, books, and even music videos. I have or had bothersome thoughts about women who cheat.  They are mostly wives, but they can be girlfriends or fiancees.  I really don't know why I have these thoughts.  I guess that it no longer matter.  I am pouring my heart out because it helps me to cope.  It makes me feel better.  Writing is cathartic and it is healing.  That is also why I pray.  Prayer in Jesus' name gives me a wisdom and a perspective that I never thought about before.  Sometimes taking every though captive is quite the difficult thing to do.  It is only fictional, so why does it seems so real?  That is what bothers me and I wish I could stop doing "research".  I am just not a strong person on my own.  I need spiritual guidance and wise counsel when it comes to this particular issue.  I wish I could just quit everything cold turkey.  I just wish I never had this disorder, period.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Refining and re-evaluating my life

I have to redefine my life and my goals.  I realize that I need to get out more.  My life has been blah. I have no real friend to talk to unless I am online.  My social life is almost nil.  I realize that I feel guilt about a lot of things.  I would like to just go to the beach or go to the movies.  I have been living in the past I guess.  I haven't had a "life" in over a decade, so I don't know where to begin.  I wonder if a social life and getting out would help me with the OCD.  Going out shopping for anytime of the year, much less for the holidays, do.  I look forward to Thursday.  I realize that I am thankful for much: a family who loves me, a place to lay my head, and at least I get to talk to online.  I have, however, Facebook friends, but it isn't the same as real friends.  That is something I would like to have: a true friend.  I love to hang out and go shopping, at least try to socialize with others, and go to sporting events.  Those are just a few things I would love to do, but I also need to know how to socialize with others who also have OCD.  That would be of great help.  Anything would be of great help.  I finally realize that I have little to complain about, but I realize that having OCD has helped me get closer to the Lord.  That is one thing that I must keep in mind or else I would lose my mind.  That is the worst part of having OCD.  I fear that I would go crazy.  I have things that I would love to overcome.  I need help in dealing with these issues.  Today, I am glad that I have taken the time to re-evaluate my life.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Examining my life with OCD

I am feeling better because the images no longer scare me.  Maybe it is better that I turn the TV off.  I am one who doesn't wish to consider avoidance a good thing.  Sometimes I wonder if there is a purpose since I have become a professional at avoiding things because of my thoughts.  I have been have difficulties that include  professional wrestling, fear of going to Hell, and separating fictional characters and end up thinking they are real.  It seems to make no sense.  It is especially true since I am a Christian who like some sports, have never cheated, and nor have been cheated on.  I only have theories on why I have some obsessions that are scarier than others.  I have my beliefs but even those beliefs have been exaggerated to the point where I begun to judge those who commit infidelity, wrestle, or those who preach about salvation.  It is a reality and a rather sad one.  But I realize that there is hope and I am forever hopeful.  That is a good thing.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

My thoughts and images scare me sometimes..

I am here to write that I have been dealing with images for a long time.  They have been about sex and rape for a while now.  Those images have been scaring me for years.  I realize that that is part of the OCD.  The thoughts that have been scaring me for years.  A woman getting caught in the act have been scary thoughts that I cannot see on television and in the movies.  Why do women cheat?  How can she do that?  I think that it is disgusting that she would do that.  I feel fear towards her and for the other guy.  What will the husband do about it?  What is wrong with me; why should I care?  How do I let those images pass?  They are difficult to pass unlike the thoughts that I cannot see I have?  I hate having these thoughts and these images in my mind.  I can't take those thoughts and those images anymore.  I get anxious over those thoughts and images; they aren't there often, but I have avoided or tried to avoid everything that deals with those thoughts and images.  Avoidance is something that I have "partaken" for years and I am getting tired of that.  I just don't know how to get rid of these thoughts and images.  They are a source of frustration to me.  

Friday, November 20, 2015

"Acceptance of thought"

I "love" him.  I have bidden adieu, but I cannot really let go.  I have tried.  However, I didn't try today.  I cried about him, and I worry about him.  What if he went to another place?  I wonder where he is.  What happened to him?  Having an obsession about a guy who has died is very weird.  I know this because if I were to take a few steps back then I would think that I am going crazy.  I was forgiven.  I messed up today because I was thinking about him.  I love his looks, his voice, and his seeming good personality.  I have come to accept my crush or obsession of him.  I have the man so attractive that I had difficulty letting him go.  Goodbye, young man,  You are greatly missed.  You are greatly loved.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Knowing how to overcome my compulsions

How do I overcome my compulsions? I would like to quit cold turkey, but is it possible?  I would like to overcome OCD, but as it seems, the OCD will never just go away soon.  I don't like having these compulsions.  They are mostly about wives cheating?  They are about other wives cheating.  I want to know why she cheats?  Why and how she feel about her husband?  I know infidelity is wrong, so does it make one a bad person?  I feel that it doesn't say much about her.  I am not about passing ungodly judgement on her, but it doesn't make here seem like a good person.  My other question is why do I have thoughts about another woman committing adultery.  I have "theories" about this. However, I realize it no longer matters why.  Yet I wonder why I should care.  I no longer have questions about a wife in particular cheating, even if she is innocent.  Why oh why?  There is nothing I can do to change the facts about infidelity.  I feel like a nosy person who wants to know the business of others.   It makes me less anxious.  However, it doesn't make feel that great since I have wasted a lot of time to find the "answers" I so seek.  What is important is that I break the cycle of OCD.  I just hope that the impossible can be possible.  That is my story about why and how I manage to cope with having OCD.  

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

I confess.

I confess.  I feel like just going back to my old ways.  I am tempted to live out my old ways.  I can live a new way.  My thoughts have improved greatly.  I realize that I can do it.  Life is too short to stay the same way that I at least, often write about what I haven't done.  I have been listening to this guy who has said that the first month is hard.  I have come a long way.  Being free is great! However, I still have to deal with triggers, which can be quite scary at times.  Building up confidence will take quite a while, but I know that I can do this.  I no longer feel like I wish to quit or to give up.  I am tired, but I need to rest.  I guess a little rest would not hurt.  That little bit of rest may be what I need to fuel me.  I needed the fuel.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Confessions from the past few days

In the last post, I posted up a video.  It symbolizes to me that what is going on in this planet is only temporary.  I also know that the cliche life is too short is true.  Being an OCD sufferer has not been easy.  If not, it has been hard, but at least it has gotten me closer to the Lord.  I do still wonder if the devil is winning.  Being a Christian and having OCD doesn't make it any easier sometimes.  I had doubts about God yesterday.  I told Him how I really felt.  I have found myself frustrated at the direction my life was going.  Nothing has changed it seems.  I don't enjoy life.  I admit that I am not happy, even with God.  Since then, I have repented.  I have been dealing with and struggling with doubt for years.  Doubt is not an easy thing to overcome.  I have many other issues that I have been dealing with.  In fact, I was about to make a really bad decision because of my lack of judgement and because of my doubting.  I know that OCD is known as the doubting disease,  I do wonder however, if that has compounded my doubt.  It isn't the hardest life, but sometimes, OCD doesn't make it easier.  In fact, one is fearful and often scared when having OCD because of the seriousness of the issues one has.  I felt horrible because I did have doubt, but at the same time, I still doubted that God answered my prayers.  I even wondered that I am truly born again.  I have often prayed over and over for Jesus to save me.  I have realized and need to be anxious for nothing.  Make my petitions known to God.  God knows and now I know that God truly cares.

Monday, November 16, 2015

One day, believers will be with the Lord quickly.

If you want to know 
Where I'm going? 
Where I'm going, soon 

If anybody ask you
Where I'm going
Where I'm going soon

I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
To be with my Lord

I can take the pain
The heartaches they bring
The comfort in knowing
I'll soon be gone

As God gives me grace
I'll run this race
Until I see my Savior
Face to face

I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
To be with my Lord

I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
To be with my Lord

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Needing to Lose Extra Weight

I am tired of doubting whether or not I am saved or lost.  I know God loves me.  I know that Jesus saved me, but I continue to have doubts.  My doubts even cause me fear.  I realize that OCD is just a disorder and it is called the doubting disease.  Maybe that is what it is, the disorder that causes me doubt.  I even wondered if it is demonic.  I am in spiritual warfare and I have suffered from depression, anxiety, and doubt.  It has been a long time since I can say that I am in the best of health. I am not.  I am not in perfect health.  I have to work extra hard at working on losing weight, which is the healthiest thing for me.  I even had an image that was a bit scary to me.  It was as if I was literally a broken person in a live body.  I have been under a lot of stress over the years and I realize that I need to take better care of myself.

It hasn't been easy trying to consume a healthy diet.  Eating healthy and dealing with health issues has been hard for me.  However, the weight loss is most definitely worth it.  I now wonder that if I were to lose weight, not only would I feel better, but I would be "cured" of all of my ailments.  I also wonder if I were to lose weight the bipolar and the OCD would lessen.  I know that the diabetes, the high cholesterol, the high blood pressure, and the stress would lessen.  The risks of my getting a heart attack, a stroke, or even cancer would lessen.  I need to lose weight and I have also been suffering from looping and repetitive thoughts.  It has become a cycle and it really does stem from the obsession to lose weight.  If I were to take better care of the bipolar and the OCD, then I could take better care of myself and lose the weight.  That is what would make me feel whole.  

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Saturday, 7/27/15 repost

It is mean for people to be small-minded and quite cruel.  There are times when I wish I were prettier or even smarter.  I am reminded often that I have the " book smarts, but not the common sense smarts".  In other words, I can understand Shakespeare, but not have an understanding as far as opening a door, talking on the phone, or even changing a light bulb.  It is I am more inept.  I have been led to believe that I have done a lot of things to prove people right.  In my life, it is as if I have done things or have made mistakes that have caused others to look down on me.  It may not be the case, but that is how I feel.  It is as if to the world, I am not smart enough, or pretty enough, or maybe even good enough.  I have a hard time with people telling me I am beautiful or pretty.  You see, I am overweight, short, and wear glasses.  I have often been rejected or called ugly.  People rarely say that I am a beautiful girl, and if they do, then I have a hard time believing them.  My self-esteem is rather low and I am often comparing my body to others.  There are body parts that I like, but there are others that I don't.  I wish there were people who could relate.  I do wonder if some of the so-called "beautiful" people have those issues that I have.  What is their story?  I try to see the beauty in everyone, but it is very hard to see it in myself.  I do get it.  I am the "before" picture in the weight loss ads and inspirational pics.  I hate the dreams that I have about my body.  In those dreams, I am a blob.  I have a rather "undesirable" shape.  I hate having to say that.  It is awful what I just wrote; I feel like a total hypocrite.  I just don't like myself.  I believe that for years that could be the reason why I have obsessive thoughts or rather obsessions about how I should look and I tend to get obsessed with certain body parts.  There is a certain size and shape that I deep down find more attractive than others and for that, I feel bad about that.  I need help.  I often wish I were that shape.  I hope that once I lose more weight, I can be happier with the way that I am.

Friday, November 13, 2015

"I'm Saved" the Gaithers

This is a song that as I am writing this I have been having doubts about.  I believe that it is mostly the OCD though it could be other reasons.  For decades, I have been having doubts about being saved.  I still do. I don't know how to overcome them and I don't know what to do.  I realize that Jesus loves me and I know and believe that He died on the cross for me, but I also believe that He rose again.  I have been receiving so many messages over the years and the trouble is, they all sound believable.  Maybe they are all lies as well.  My prayer is that I realize that nothing truly separates me mentally and spiritually from the love of God

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Story of my life

Sadly, these have been a story of my life.  Judging from my blog posts,  that seems to be a lot of what I was talking about.  Mentally I am doing better than I have felt in a while now.  That is only because I realize that in order to win there are times when one has to learn how to pick their battles.  Fighting can be a losing battle but all challenges can be overcome.  I have been left with confusion, anxiety, and worse health than I have ever imagined.  I have been stressed out.  I have grown tired. I am not tired now but I have been there for too long. It is stressful with dealing with anxiety, fair health, and looping thoughts, I felt trapped.  It is rough having a misunderstood condition that I have to constantly live with everyday.  Having this disorder and being bipolar with hormonal issues can cause quite a few problems for oneself if not checked.  Well it has been checked and because of that, I will end up being better in the end.  In the meantime, I am just glad that I don't have to worry about wondering why I always felt like the hamster spinning in a wheel.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

OCD is challenging.

A lot has happened in the last few years.  I realize that while I can't go back, I certainly can learn from the past.  I have made many misfires, missteps, and mistakes along the way.  As right as I am, I have also made many different discoveries, even as I am writing this.  I now have an opportunity to be free and enjoy life.  The sad truth is, I like billions of others live in a sinful world and I realize that things won't always be smooth sailing.  Right now, I am not 100% without having to deal with obsessive thoughts.  Sometimes that can be frustrating.  Maybe I should take the time to count my blessings instead of counting my frustrations.

Monday, November 9, 2015

In need of Wisdom

I need You always, Wisdom.  I have got to let this guy go.  In fact, I have got to let the world actually pass me by.  It may be easier for those thoughts to pass me by as well.  I have gone tired of fighting, which is one of the ironies of having OCD.  Maybe I should just relax.  I don't know what more to do. I am tired of the worse case scenarios for instance.  The thoughts focus on them all the time realizing that they could happen.  Truth is stranger than fiction has become one of my least favorite quotes because of this worse case scenario.    Being mindful and struggling to let the thoughts pass is a lot of work.  OCD is really a lot of work and a lot to deal with.  However, I have come to realize that there must have been a reason to struggle the way I have been.  Well, it did draw me closer to the Lord, that is for sure.  I am thankful for the OCD and I am thankful for knowing this guy who I liked. Lord, may he rest in peace.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

"Vertigo" 1958

Plot courtesy of wiki:
After a rooftop chase, where his acrophobia and vertigo result in the death of a policeman, San Francisco detective John "Scottie" Ferguson retires. Scottie tries to conquer his fear, but his friend and ex-fiancĂ©e Midge Wood suggests another severe emotional shock may be the only cure.
An acquaintance from college, Gavin Elster, asks Scottie to follow his wife, Madeleine, claiming she has been possessed. Scottie reluctantly agrees, and follows Madeleine to a florist where she buys a bouquet of flowers, to the grave of Carlotta Valdes at Mission Dolores, and to an art museum where she gazes at Portrait of Carlotta, the subject of which Madeleine resembles. Finally, she enters the McKittrick Hotel, but when Scottie investigates, she is not there.
A local historian explains that Carlotta Valdes tragically committed suicide. Gavin reveals that Carlotta (who he fears is possessing Madeleine) is Madeleine's great-grandmother, although Madeleine has no knowledge of this, and does not remember where she has visited. Scottie tails Madeleine to Fort Point, and she leaps into San Francisco Bay. Scottie rescues her.
The next day Scottie follows Madeleine; they meet and spend the day together. They travel to Muir Woods and Cypress Point on 17-Mile Drive, where Madeleine runs down towards the ocean. Scottie grabs her and they embrace. Scottie identifies the setting of Madeleine's nightmare as Mission San Juan Bautista. He drives her there and they express their love for each other. Madeleine suddenly runs into the church and up the bell tower. Scottie, halted on the steps by his vertigo, sees Madeleine plunge to her death.
The death is declared a suicide. Gavin does not fault Scottie, but Scottie breaks down, becomes clinically depressed and is in a sanatorium, almost catatonic. After release, Scottie frequents the places that Madeleine visited, often imagining that he sees her. One day, he notices a woman who reminds him of Madeleine, despite her different appearance. Scottie follows her and she identifies herself as Judy Barton, from Salina, Kansas.
flashback reveals that Judy was the person Scottie knew as "Madeleine Elster"; she was impersonating Gavin's wife as part of a murder plot. Judy writes to Scottie explaining her involvement with Gavin's murder of his wife. Gavin had deliberately taken advantage of Scottie's acrophobia to substitute his wife's freshly killed body in the apparent "suicide jump". Judy rips up the letter and decides to continue the charade, because she loves Scottie.
They begin seeing each other, but Scottie remains obsessed with "Madeleine" and asks Judy to change her clothes and hair so that she resembles Madeleine. After Judy complies, hoping that they may finally find happiness together, he notices her wearing the necklace portrayed in the painting of Carlotta, and realizes the truth. He insists on driving her to the Mission.
There, he tells her he must re-enact the event that led to his madness, admitting he now understands that "Madeleine" and Judy are the same person. Scottie forces her up the bell tower and makes her admit her deceit. Scottie reaches the top, finally conquering his acrophobia. Judy confesses that Gavin paid her to impersonate a "possessed" Madeleine; Gavin faked the suicide by throwing the body of his wife from the bell tower.
Judy begs Scottie to forgive her, because she loves him. He embraces her, but a shadowed figure rises from the trapdoor of the tower, startling Judy, who steps backward and falls to her death. Scottie, bereft again, stands on the ledge, while the figure, a nun investigating the noise, rings the mission bell.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Man, I Can relate

why did my head start shaking that day
and why do all the doctors have nothing to say
left with so much dizziness all i can do now is pray
and wonder if im going to live to see another day

this dizziness has made my life one big mess
its even got me stressed and depressed
it has taken total control of my life
and i cant get away from the pain and strife

i think the dizziness is making me go insane
and i feel like theres something seriously wrong with my brain
now i think i might be mentally ill
because i have to see a psychologist and take some kind of pill

suicide is a everyday thought
and now i will never achieve the goals that i sought
i dont know how much more i can take
i hope this dizziness ends soon for my sake
J D, 1997


Friday, November 6, 2015

Anxiety Can Cause Chronic Dizziness

Anxiety Can Cause Chronic Dizziness

By Rick Nauert PhD
~ 1 min read
Living with chronic dizziness can be a taxing and exasperating endeavor as medical cures are often few and far between. However, discerning the source of the dizziness can give clinicians a ‘heads up’ toward development of abatement strategies.

New research finds that chronic dizziness can stem from many different causes including anxiety disorders, migraine, and traumatic brain injury in the part of the nervous system governing involuntary activities.

The report is published in the February issue of Archives of Otolaryngology–Head & Neck Surgery, one of the JAMA/Archives journals.

One particular type of chronic dizziness not related to vertigo (a feeling of turning or whirling usually associated with inner ear problems) has long vexed physicians, according to background information in the article.

“Patients with this syndrome have chronic nonspecific dizziness, subjective imbalance and hypersensitivity to motion stimuli, which are exacerbated in complex visual environments (e.g., walking in a busy store, driving in the rain),” the authors write. Some researchers have proposed the term chronic subjective dizziness for this condition.

Jeffrey P. Staab, M.D., M.S., and colleagues at the University of Pennsylvania Health System, Philadelphia, studied 345 men and women age 15 to 89 (average age 43.5) who had dizziness for three months or longer due to unknown causes. From 1998 to 2004, the patients were tracked from their referral to a balance center through multiple specialty examinations until they were given a diagnosis.

“All but six patients were diagnosed as having psychiatric or neurologic conditions, including primary or secondary anxiety disorders, migraine, traumatic brain injury and neurally mediated dysautonomias,” or abnormal functioning of the autonomic nervous system, which controls involuntary actions.

Anxiety disorders were associated with 60 percent of the chronic dizziness cases and central nervous system conditions (including migraine, brain injuries and autonomic nervous system disorders) with 38.6 percent. Six patients (1.7 percent) had irregular heartbeats.


Thursday, November 5, 2015

Thinking back

It has been over 20 years since I have realized that there are things that are of the old adage: the more things change, the more they stay the same.  Why is that?  Why does that adage ring true?  It is the answer to what has been wrong with me these past 2 decades.  I had struggled with these same struggles 20 years ago.  This time, I can't just pick up and leave it all behind.  I have to face it head on.  I have to also see that there are some underlying issues that must be faced if I wish for my goals to be accomplished.  I am present physically and otherwise yet I still feel like mentally I am out of control.  It is quite an uncomfortable feeling to have.  I have this a lot due to mania and anxiety.  I have been diagnosed as being bipolar for more than that time and after all of these years, I have had doubts that I have been getting a good handle on it.  I wonder this because of what I have described before.  Maybe this is something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life but it can be managed, like the obsessive thoughts.  Sometimes going back and making reference is a good thing.  Staying back is not a good thing and it implies a failure to desire to move forward.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Learning to face things head on

I could have shared a piece of myself yesterday, but I have decided to skip it for a day.  How do I feel about this?  I realize that I should have, but sometimes, a change is quite good.  Right now, I am watching a movie that has a man whose wife has died.  Any sort of word like wife, wives, marriage, philandering, and murder bother me.  Those are words that bother me.  I realize that even on television most wives are faithful, but it is hard to get the ones who cheat out of my mind. Right now I am worried.  Maybe I should stop writing this because it is making me anxious.  Right now I am having this image of a woman being caught cheating my her husband and. I also get angry about this. Why don't I get angry when a married man does this?  Something is wrong with me.  I feel like a total hypocrite, but my thoughts need to be exposed.  I need to overcome this fully.  I want nothing more than to feel better.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Who am I really?

It is amazing and sad I blatantly or subtly engage in anything negative about me.  Do I feel good about myself?  Not really.  It is hard for me to see myself as pretty or attractive.  I am overweight and that is the reason why.  It is hard for me to believe that I can be positive about myself.  It doesn't help that I have valued what others think about me and my appearance, at least in a negative light.  I do have self esteem issues, but why do I continue to have this issue?  Wishing does not work.  Doing things however do work.  Taking action is important.  I need to believe that I am pretty, that I am smart with uses at least a modicum of common sense, or that I am attractive at least someone to the opposite sex.  The truth is, I just don't care that much for me.  I realize that it is because of the low self-esteem and all of the negative thoughts against me.  I even think that in my fantasy world that I am crazy or unlikable.  I guess it is a reflection of how I truly feel about myself.  I do in fact care so much about what others think.

Here are 5 negative thoughts that I have about myself:

1.  I am too fat and I will remain frustrated over my weight loss.

2.  I am not pretty.

3.  I fail to exhibit common sense at times.

4.  I don't like my body.

5.  I don't always think that I am a good or likable person.

Here are 5 positive thoughts about myself or thoughts that counter those above.

1.  I have pretty eyes.

2.  I have been told that I have pretty hair.

3.  I have great legs that I love to show off.

4. I really am smart and like to learn.

5. I really am a good cook.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Yay! I feel like such an overcomer...of course, there is "Breakdown", a song that I like.

I am confident and I do rock.  I am close to being free from the fear of having obsessive thoughts. It is about time.

I also listened to Mariah Carey's "Breakdown".  Cool song.

Over, over, don't break down yet, it's over
Over, over, don't break down yet, it's over
Over, over, steady breakin' me on down, ooh
Break, breakdown, steady breakin' me on down
Break, breakdown, steady breakin' me on down

You call yesterday to basically say that you care for me
But that you're just not in love immediately, I pretended
To feel similarly and led you to believe I was okay
To just walk away from the thing that's unyielding and sacred to me

Well, I guess, I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality, I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually, I'm dying inside

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

So what do you do when somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through

Do you cling to your pride and sing, "I will survive"?
(Gotta get control and roll, roll, roll on)
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave leave this way"?
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away?

Well, I guess, I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
(Break, breakdown, steady breakin' me on down)
And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile, gradually I'm dying inside

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

Gonna break ya down, down, down, only if ya let it everyday
(Don't let it)
Crazy situations rockin' my mind, tryin' to break me down
But I won't let it, forget it

If ya feel the same way that I do, then let me help y'all

All singin' tunes, sayin', "It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, yeah"
Hopin' for the sun but it looks like rain, P.O.D'ed but it's still the same
Came far but it's been a long road
Trouble's gonna come but we gotta stay strong, hold on

Aw, yeah, I often feel the pressures, y'all
But nevertheless Krayzie won't fall, it's over
It's endin' here, I said it's over, it's endin' here
(Here, here)
So I'll be on my way and maybe we can meet up in the future one day

But for now I'm bailin', bailin', bailin', baby, gotta get up
Can't take no more, I'm headed for the door
Come and take a look into a thug humble eye
Tell me, if we lived a lie, would our souls unite?

Every new day is a test for me
So I just pray the Lord for Him to bless me, please
There's struggles I'm goin' through lately
Breaks me down, set me free, let me be, let me be

Who else do I have to rely on? Whose shoulder can a thug go cry on?
Can I get my vibe on? While you look into my eyes
You won't underestimate and this soldier story
I'm'a tell you right now I'm fed up

Wrong if I let my lead bust? Pac said keep your head up
Don't let this world get the best of you
I'm a stress you through it, if it's over, over, over
Don't breakdown yet, it's over

Well, I guess, I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry