Friday, December 27, 2013

Writing has been helpful

I have spent time in the past writing out examples of thoughts that I have been having.  It has been hard to read out those thoughts yet I have managed to keep them for future reference.  I realize that today I am not 100% better.  I have been having obsessive thoughts and suffer from scrupulosity for a number of years.  All I ever wanted was for my thoughts to weaken.  I am happy to say that my thoughts about MR and CO have weakened.  I wrote a rather vulgar story about MR and CO that has helped me to realize that I don't know them.  The chances of my knowing them are slim to none.  I will never know them as far as I know.  It is all vanity; therefore it doesn't matter.  I wonder what my stories would say about them.  What would they say about infidelity?  These stories and this paragraph is connected to what I have written last night.  I need to read up my thoughts and change my reaction to these thoughts and have a different opinion on these scenarios.  I need to move and know how to move forward.  If it means to be anxious and feel fear every once in a while, then so be it.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

What am I so afraid of?

What is it that I am afraid of?  I want to do well for myself by moving forward.  I am afraid of looking at shows, movies, or listen to music where infidelity is a theme.  I am afraid of cheating characters or hearing about them.  I am afraid of triggers.  I don't know how to deal with those triggers as they scare me.  I will watch a movie that sounds good.  It is crazy and I will never understand why the OCD latched unto my strong opinions on infidelity.  I wrote stories about infidelity and I try to avoid it whenever possible.  I obsess about how many affairs the woman in all of my cases have and why she cheats.  In the grand scheme of things it is all vanity but how do I deal with avoidance?

I am afraid of Mickey Rourke, Carre Otis and their namesakes and their friends.  I am afraid that I will not like Carre Otis because she wrote a book that I will never read because I have no interest in reading her book.  I don't even know Mickey Rourke or Carre Otis.  They could both be bad people.  I will never meet them so why does this matter?  I don't know.  It doesn't matter now.  I just have a hard time dealing with it.  It is weakening and it is time to take control as these thoughts have had control over my life.  I only watch movies with Mickey Rourke in it not because of how good the movie is, but because he was in it.  I have to remind myself that it is okay to be a fan, but I am not sure if I can be a fan.  I have been too caught up in Mickey Rourke to even be a fan.

I am just bored with Mickey Rourke, Carre Otis, and Facebook.  My obsessions bore me.  Once they end, it is as if I have to ask myself, what is next?  Why can't I just give myself room to breathe.  I cannot even watch a movie or a simple video without being triggered.  I cannot even read a book without being afraid of a trigger.  My world has gotten smaller, much smaller.  I want to learn and grow and expand my world.  It is not happening as I write this.  Where do I begin?  Why am I so afraid?  How do I overcome my fear?  It is all fiction.  It is all vanity.  I have to constantly remind myself of that I guess.

I am a person who doesn't offend that easily though there are things that are offensive.  It depends on context and on how I would react to something.  How do I overcome the fear that I have?  How does perfect love cast out fear?  What are things that I like to do?  What shows do I like to watch?  What are books do I like to read?  How can I know what movie to watch without being afraid that something like a thought would be triggered by a word or two.  That is scary to me.  A thought would be triggered by a movie review, or anything.  I could use some prayer and I could use some help.  I just hope things will turn out alright.

Homework Assignment 12/20-12/26

Homework Assignment  12/20-12/26
12/20   I love to celebrate because I am a joyful person.
12/21   I care about myself and others around me and I want the best for them.
12/22   I am not vain.
12/23   I can see the world with beautiful eyes.
12/24   I am a nice, not a naughty person.
12/25   I am joyous.
12/26   I am strong and I love myself.

12/20   Today I find myself just bored out of my skull literally. I literally have nothing to write.  This is so sad because I have a recipe, a video, or something to say.  But there is nothing to say or write.  I am just a blank slate with no substance in it.  I am so sorry right now.  I have written about so many things in my life I don't know what else to write.  That is the problem.  Where do I go from here?  Where do I start?  Who do I direct my thoughts on?  It is just a lonely place to be.
12/21   Yesterday I was blank.  Today I am doubtful.  It is quite painful to have doubts.  One minute you are full of faith.  The next minute, all doesn't seem right with the world.  That is how I felt today.  I am questioning myself and doubting God.  There are things that I need but maybe I am focusing on the wrong things.  I am here to write that doubt is close to unbelief.  Unbelief should have no place in a believer's or anyone's life. Maybe it is a good thing that I have doubt, but at least there is a small measure of faith there.  I just don't know how to express that faith.  There is a need that seems impossible to obtain yet I am not sure if even God will supply that need.  It seems so wrong to ask Him.  Maybe I should tell God just how I feel.
12/22   I love this movie.  It is one of a few movies that I watch that I can watch over and over again.  I know it is over 3 hours long, but it doesn't matter to me.  I personally liked the live NBC version and would purchase a DVD copy of the live performance.  Carrie Underwood is not a trained actress by trade, but she did an adequate job otherwise.  Singing is her strong suit.  However, she was believable as Maria.  It I'm sure was not easy to live up to the Julie Andrews movie version.  But a person will always have their haters.  Either way,  the live version was good enough to remind me of the original, which I am watching now.  I personally didn't think the live version was horrible and that I would recommend it.  I would give the live version a 7.5 out of a possible score of 10.  However, I would give the movie a 10 out of 10.  There is nothing horrid about each versions.  Critics were being too hard on Carrie Underwood.  But haters are gonna hate.

12/23   Recipe for Sweet Potato Pie:
2 large sweet potatoes, peeled and cut-up
1 large egg
1/4 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 tsp. pure vanilla extract
2 Tbsp. ground cinnamon
2 tsp. nutmeg
2 tsp. flour
3/4 cup milk
1/3 cup melted butter or margarine

In a large pot, boil the sweet potatoes.  They would be ready after at least half an hour.  Once they are ready, drain.  Then mash the potatoes in the pot and set aside.

In a large bowl, mix the sugars, flour, vanilla extract, margarine, and spices in a bowl.  In a smaller bowl, temper the egg and the milk because the potatoes are hot.  Add that in and finally add the potatoes.

Once the mixture is well-incorporated, pour into an unbaked deep dish pan.  Bake in a preheated 400 degree oven.  Bake for at least 30 minutes or until the center is set.  Once ready, let pie cool at room temperature for 20 minutes.  Once the pie has cooled, then serve.

12/24   Recipe for Pumpkin Crumb pie with caramel sauce:

Ingredients for pie filling
1 can pumpkin
1 large egg
3/4 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
2 Tbsp. ground cinnamon
1 tsp. nutmeg
1 1/2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
1 Tbsp. flour
3/4 cup milk
1/3 cup melted butter or margarine

Ingredients for crumb topping
1 stick butter or margarine
1 1/2 cup self-rising flour
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
1 cup brown sugar
2 Tbsp. ground cinnamon
1 tsp. nutmeg

Ingredients for caramel sauce
1 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup water
1 cup milk
1 stick butter

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.  In a large bowl mix all of the ingredients of the pie filling until it is well-incorporated and the batter is smooth.  Set aside.

To make the caramel sauce mix the white sugar and water over medium heat in a medium sized pot or pan. Stir often until the syrup turns brown.  Then add in the brown sugar, and the butter.  Stir until butter is melted and the brown sugar dissolves. Slowly pour in the milk for the syrup will be hot. It is best to take the pan or pot off of the stove to add the milk and then stir until the milk is well-incorporated.  Once well-incorporated, take the caramel mixture off of the stove and set aside.

In a deep baking dish, pour in the pumpkin mixture which was set aside earlier.  Bake in the oven for 30 minutes.

While it is cooking, in a small bowl, mix all of the ingredients for the crumb topping.  Make sure the ingredients are well-incorporated.  Set aside for now.

Once the 30 minutes are up, take out the pie.  Set the pie on a cooling rack and drizzle some of the caramel sauce on top of the pie.  Then add the crumb topping on top of the pie making sure the pie is fully covered. Bake again for another 25 minutes at 375 degrees until the pie is well-set in the center. Once the pie is taken out of the oven, place pie on a cooling rack and let it "rest" for 10 minutes.  Once the 10 minutes are up, then drizzle again with more caramel sauce and let the pie continue to cool.  Once cooled, serve.
12/25   This is truly my favorite time of the year.
12/26   Today is the day after Christmas.  I had a pretty good Christmas yesterday.  I ate way too much food, but at least I received great gifts.  I do hate it when it has to end.  But today wasn't so bad however.

I was wondering if I will ever get to know any celebrity.  I would like to meet some but I cannot recall their names at the moment.  The truth is, I am not sure if I will like these people.  I am sure these are nice folks, but they are just that: folks.  I don't know the people that I will ever obsess or have an idealization about people.  Why am I writing this?  It has been a theme of mine for almost all year long.  I will never get to know any of these people realistically nor should I care.  They are just people after all.  In the grand scheme of things, it is all vanity.

Food and diet blog entries
12/20   No entry.
12/21   I feel so much freer.  I am okay now.  It is still a struggle, but the struggle is well worth it.
12/22   Right now, I am just logging in my weight and needless to say, I have gained weight.  I promise that I will lose the weight, but I have no idea how much weight I want to lose.
12/23    No entry.
12/24    I am sorry I never got around to writing an entry yesterday.  I am worried about myself.  I need help.  I know I need help.  I realize that I need help.  I am concerned for my health.  I am not sure I know who to turn to for help.  I think that I will be okay.  It is even more difficult now that this is Christmas Eve.  I realize that I am more of an emotional eater who needs, wants, and desires to lose weight.  I am scared that I will never lose said weight and that is scary in itself.
12/25   All I can say is Merry Christmas.
12/26   Today is the day that I have started all over.  I don't know what more to do.  I will just leave it in the hands of God.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Homework Assignment 12/13-12/19

Affirmation tweets:
12/13  I am a studious learner.
12/14  I am good at planning things.
12/15  I am loving, kind, and generous.
12/16  I am a loving and kind creation of God.
12/17  I love my curly hair.
12/18  I love my shape, size, and color.
12/19  I am well-aware and confident.

12/13 Another pound cake recipe:
2 eggs
2 cups white sugar
3 cups self rising flour
1 cup softened butter 
2 Tbsp. vanilla extract
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/3 cup milk

In a large bowl, mix the sugar, vanilla extract, and the softened butter. Continue beating and slowly add the eggs and beat until it is fluffy in texture. Next add the flour. Beat until well corporated. Then pour in the lemon juice and keep mixing. In a greased and floured bundt pan (preferably), bake in a preheated 325 degree oven for 45-60 minutes. After baking for 45-60 minutes, use a butter knife or toothpick and poke in the center of the cake. If it comes out clean, then it is ready. Let cool at room temperature for at least an hour. Then flip the cake onto a plate; store on a cake plate. Finally serve.

12/14  Glazed Chocolate Cake
1 1/2 cups cocoa powder
1 cup chocolate glaze (1 cup cocoa powder, 1/2 cup milk, 1/4 tsp. vanilla extract, 1 cup powdered sugar)
1 1/2 cups milk
1 cup (2 sticks) softened butter
3 cups self-rising flour
2 cups sugar
3 large eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract
3 cups self rising flour

In a large bowl, mix the butter, sugar, eggs, and vanilla extract.  Beat mixture until fluffy.  Then add the flour and the cocoa powder.  Beat until well-incorporated.  Pour into a lightly greased and flour  two 8" or 9" pans.  Bake in a preheated 325 degree oven for 30-45 minutes.  After that time period, poke the center of the cake with a butter knife or toothpick.  If the butter knife or toothpick comes out clean, then it is ready.  Cool at room temperature for 20-30 minutes.  Then frost cake with chocolate frosting.  After cake is frosted, make the chocolate glaze in a smaller bowl.  Mix the cocoa powder, vanilla extract, powdered sugar and milk until well-incorporated.  Slowly pour glaze over cake.  Then finally, serve cake.  Makes about 12 servings.

12/15  It is amazing how much I love to cook.  I consider myself a decent cook.  I am not a chef but I wonder what my cooking repertoire would be if I were a chef.  I spent the past week putting up recipes of various foods, mostly baked goods.  I wonder if I could have been a baker.  I have often wondered a lot of things and I have worked on it, but I tend to procrastinate on my plans.  For a long time, I wanted to own a restaurant or a bakery.  That, however, takes a lot of planning and a lot of funds.  I don't have enough patience for that.  I have been baking since I was a child.  It isn't so easy, but it isn't so hard either.  It is an exact science but it is not rocket science.  Baking is also fun but it is also hard work if one allows it to be.  Baking is therapeutic for me.  I plan to make a Pineapple Citrus Almond Cake.  This is the first time I will bake such a cake.  I have remembered to use more flour than sugar.  I have also used lemon juice, pineapple juice, and orange juice. Now all I have to do is buy the frostings, both lemon and cream cheese or vanilla and also almonds.  I look forward to finishing the cake for Christmas.

12/16  Citrus-Pineapple Cake with Almonds
4 cups of self-rising flour
2 1/2 cups of sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 cup pineapple juice
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 cup almond butter
3 eggs
1/4 cup orange juice
1 stick softened butter
1 cup slivered or chopped almonds
1 can vanilla or cream cheese frosting
1 can lemon frosting

In a large bowl, combine the sugar, vanilla extract, lemon juice, butter, and eggs; beat until the mixture is fluffy.  Then add 2 cups of self- rising flour, orange, and pineapple juice; beat until mixture is well-incorporated.  Then add the remaining self-rising flour to the mix.  Make sure the batter is thick enough so that the cake won't' fall while it is baking.  If the batter is too thin, add a 1/2 cup of extra flour and another 1/3 cup sugar, and 1/2 tsp each vanilla and lemon extract.

Pour batter into 2-8" or 9" baking pans; bake in a 325 degree oven.  Once those two layers are ready, pour the remaining batter into those pans (making sure they have been floured) and bake in that same oven.  Each layer will bake for 30-45 minutes at 325 degrees.  Use a skewer, knife, or toothpick and poke in the center of each layer.  If they come out clean, then each layer is ready.  After taking each layer out, let it cool for 10-15 minutes.  Once cooled, spread the top of  bottom layer with almond butter; sprinkle with almonds.  Then frost the top of the next layer with lemon frosting.  Then on the top of the third layer, frost with the almond butter and sprinkle with almonds.  Finally frost the rest of the cake with the vanilla or cream cheese frosting making sure the sides are frosted as well.  Sprinkle with almonds.  Finally serve cake.  Will serve at least 12.

12/17  Orange Cupcakes
1 cup sugar
2 1/2 cups self-rising flour
1 egg
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 stick softened butter
1 cup orange juice

Mix together the butter, egg, sugar, and vanilla extract.  Beat until fluffy.  Then add the flour and orange juice. Beat until smooth and well-incorporated.  Pour slowly into the baking cups.  Bake in a preheated 325 degree oven for 20-35 minutes.  Use a toothpick to poke in the center of the cupcake.  If it comes out clean, then it is ready to frost and then serve.
12/18  "They Got the Word" by the Mississippi Mass Choir is such an inspirational song.
12/19 I have Christmas music playing in my head today.  It is a feeling of joy I guess.  I feel so much better about how to handle the obsessive thoughts I have been having.  I wish that I could feel this good about the day after Christmas.  I survive on that day every year, but I hate it.  The festivities will end and so will the fun. Today is something else.  I am not in a festive mood however.  I wish that everyday could be like Christmas.

Food and diet blog entries
12/13 No entry
12/14 I am glad that I have written my struggles here.  I feel like giving up and binging.  I don't want to, but that is how I feel.  But I won't give up, no matter what season of the year it is.  I don't feel guilty about what I ate, but I feel like I could do better.
12/15 No entry
12/16 No entry
12/17 I should have written in the last few days.  I gave my summary because..never mind.  I am doing okay and I feel good about my diet and the food that I ate.
12/18 No entry
12/19  I am sorry but I am going to have to have a feast this holiday season.  I understand the risks but I am doing okay.  Help me to not struggle for a while.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Homework Assignment 11/22-12/12

11/22 I attract good things in my life that are needed.

11/23 I bring joy to all around me because I am joyful.

11/24 I am a friend to myself.

11/25 I am happy about my weight.

11/26 I am blessed with an incredible family and wonderful friends.

11/27 I am prayerful.

11/28 I am thankful.

11/29 I am a thankful, grateful, gracious soul.

11/30 I believe in honor and therefore I practice being honorable.

12/1 The Lord is my Rock and my Salvation...I am saved by Jesus Christ.

12/2 I have learned to say no because it is so freeing.

12/3 God is the owner of my heart.

12/4 I am living my life like it is golden because it is a gift.

12/5 I am strong like steel is strong.

12/6 I love not just the idea of love, but love itself.

12/7 I love myself and I love everyone.

12/8 I am free because I live in freedom

12/9 I am preparing myself for the return of Jesus.

12/10 Life loves me because I love life.

12/11 I believe in change that benefits me.

12/12 I love music and therefore I am a musical person.
11/22 More poetic yesterday and more musical on Wednesday. I am grateful for a lot of things today. Following doctor's orders is quite important. I wished I had followed his and her orders before. I have decided that that is what is best for me. I thought I had all of the answers but I didn't. It left me confused and frazzled. Because of the confusion and stress, I ended up making bad choices and now I am trying to lose weight again. I take full responsibility for my bad choices. I am still in the plateau range but at least I have not gained all of my weight back, which is good news.

11/23 Gift giving and being thankful give me joy. As a believer, I have realized that serving God and serving your fellow man (and woman) is about loving and cherishing others. Christmas and Thanksgiving are times when we should be loving, giving, and thanking God and thanking others. I wasn't sure what the holidays are all about in the past because it seems so cliched. I wasn't cynical mind you, but celebrating these holidays shouldn't just be about having fun, but about being holy.

11/24 We all promise a lot of things but like the title says, "Jesus Promised" His promises like His prophecies are 100%. They are accurate, true, and to the letter. With the Lord, a promise is a promised that will be fulfilled. Christians serve a God who cannot lie. He is Honest and expects all His creation to be the same way.

11/25 Why am I writing this? I am writing this because of the cult of celebrity that is so pervasive in US society at least. These celebrities are images, but they are people at the same time. I am watching "Ellen" and Lady Gaga is being interviewed. What is so amazing is that she is a human who comes across as a real human. She is a talented artist that is a person like all of us. She is not an object to be worshipped. It is okay to like her music, but there are some of us humans who take devotion to a whole new level.

11/26 Jesus is definitely the way, the truth, and the life. It is kind of like the Sabbath. We are to worship and serve the Lord everyday, not just on a specified day of the week or even on Christmas. Christians serve a God who fulfilled the law. We no longer have to live by the law. That means that the law or good works won't save us, but Jesus Christ will save us. I am not meaning to say that the Ten Commandments and the Old Testament are null and void. They are not. Murder is wrong, covetnous is wrong, and so are adultery and theft and idolatry. Those works committed by anyone who has not repentant whether or not they profess Christ with their lips will cause the sinner or false believer to be outside the Kingdom of God. What that means is that one who continues to sin willfully will not enter Heaven or the New Jerusalem. That is what should always be the focus whether or not we should celebrate Christmas.

11/27 The Holy Trinity is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. To best explain the Trinity, they are three members in one Godhead. Most people, including Christians, have little to no understanding who God is, much less each Person in the Godhead. So who is God? Is He a loving God? Is He a Strict Disciplinarian who is waiting to punish us whenever we sin? There are many who either believe in God, but have no relationship with God or those who do and have doubts about Him. The answers to these questions and concerns are in the Bible.

11/28 Psalm 100Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth!

2 qServe the Lord with gladness!
rCome into his presence with singing!
3 Know that sthe Lord, he is God!
It is he who tmade us, and uwe are his;1
we are his vpeople, and wthe sheep of his pasture.
4 xEnter his gates with thanksgiving,
and his ycourts with praise!
Give thanks to him; zbless his name!
5 aFor the Lord is good;
his steadfast love endures forever,
and his bfaithfulness to all generations.

11/29 Ballet is such a beautiful and intricate dance. I guess that it is how God felt when he created the ballerina. He knew beforehand what each ballerina wanted to be when she grew up. There are girls out there who do want to be ballerinas. I never wanted to be one as I am more of an observer. I am not the greatest dancer but I can see why people aspire to be ballerinas and watch ballet. It is a wonderful combination of the beauty and grace and dedication to one's craft. It is an artform, just like painting or writing a play or acting in a play. I find plays, sonnets, and operas so fascinating. Over the years I have become a fan especially within the last year after watching the Nutcracker. I admit that I have never been to a full-blown opera with its intricate, meticulous attention paid to every detailed note, high and low, and its guided symphonies. They are relaxing and a pleasure to watch. I thought that it would bore me, but it doesn't.

11/30 No entry

12/1 The video of the day is "Candlelight" by Toni Braxton.

12/2 However, I cannot say that it is nostalgic as much tragedy has occurred during that period as well. I cannot recall other sad memories other than those. We are all humans trying to live and survive on this planet. We are created by God, yet flawed and a little lower than the angels. God is the greatest Artist of all time.

12/3 Revelation 22:20-2120 He which testifieth these things saith,Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus.
21 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

12/4 I do wonder what Mary was thinking when she gave birth to the Savior. I have wondered if He was a rather easy child to raise because to say He would have been well-behaved would be an understatement. I even wondered if Jesus even needed to be disciplined every once in a while. I am sure that Jesus was raised by good parents and that God knew what He was doing when He chose Mary and Joseph to raise Him. I wish I knew what happened during the 18 years from when His parents were looking for HIm to His ministry. What did happen to the Lord over those years? Does it really matter? Maybe it doesn't, but it certainly doesn't hurt to wonder.

12/5 I thank God everyday for all He is and all He has done for me. These three songs have helped me to cope with life's up and downs. I am so thankful that God blessed these voices with the gift of song.

12/6 There are seven things I know that i can do to motivate myself and to never give up.1- respect my body
2- love myself
3- work to overcome binging
4- exercise
5- continue to affirm myself
6- meditation
7- learn to fight against the wiles of the enemy whatever they may be

I have to learn to do those things. I have been binging for the past few days and I have been left frustrated and unhealthy. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I am just tired of being sick of being sick and tired. I have grown that way for a while. The solution is to bring all of my problems to the Lord and cast my cares upon Him. I believe that the Lord will solve all problems and lift heavy burdens. I tend to stress myself out too much and have a desire to give up. I don't know why I tend to make the simple things hard. This time, I am ready for a change.

12/7 Jesus is the Reason for the Season. I believe He is the Reason for all seasons. We are to worship Him in spirit and in truth. I celebrate Christmas all year long. Well, it means that Christmas is about celebrating not just Jesus' birth, but His very life and what He has done for us. I want to remember His whole life all day long. Life is too short not for us to do that for the other 364 days.

12/8 I have created a recipe for penne and cheese, which is similar to homemade macaroni and cheese.

12/9 Fruitcake blondies recipe

12/10 Chocolate Chip Almond Blondies

12/11 Lemon Coconut Cake

12/12 Raisin Cake Recipe

Food and Diet blog entries
11/22   I have decided to follow doctor's order and no longer struggle.  My goal is to consume 1800 calories per day.  I could easily go down to 1400 if need be.  I have struggled to consume those few calories.  My metabolism is rather slow and I wish to lose weight.
11/23    It was actually a struggle today to consume more than 1200 calories.  That is highly unusual for me.  I actually don't know what to make of this.  I hope that I will eventually lose weight starting today.  My metabolism has slowed down over the last 2 weeks.
11/24  I am in need of help.  I am consuming 1800 calories a day yet my metabolism slows.  I hope to have that fixed.  I realize that I eat many fried foods.  I have eaten foods in moderation and I would like to know if I have lost weight.   Maybe life is too short to waste worrying about food intake.  Maybe worrying is helping to slow down my metabolism.  Relax.   
11/25   I am doing well.  However, my blood sugar levels have fallen so I ate more than 1800 calories today.  Right now, I am chewing gum to make sure I don't have hypoglycemia.  I didn't know about the dangers that I could have had other than the nervousness, shakiness, and the outright hunger.  It is quite sudden and it is not fun.
11/26   No entry.
11/27   I forgot to write an entry yesterday.  I am doing well in my diet thus far.  Tomorrow is another day however.  I did eat way too much cereal with sugar just now however.  I don't feel that guilty about eating that much because I consumed less than 1500 calories today.
11/28    No entry.
11/29    Wow.  I consumed almost 4000 calories worth of foods.  It is amazing how much the human body can digest.  I ended up with a headache this morning.  I would like to be able to lose all of that weight by eating 1800 calories or less.  It can be done I guess, but it may take no more than 2400 calories.  I am glad to have lost weight yet I feel that I may have gained that 1.8 pounds back.  I am concerned about my weight since I binged a few weeks ago.  I developed headaches as a result because I was not accustomed to eating so much.  I rarely binge anymore which is a good thing.
11/30  I hope to consume less than 3000 calories today.  I didn't realize that Thanksgiving food and calories and snacks creep up.  I haven't binged but I ate way too much per meal and per sitting.  That is the problem.  I do tend to eat much in one sitting.  However my snacks are high calorie and I am getting better with the small snack/large meal solution yet my meals are too large.
12/1    I surprise myself today.  I consumed less than 2000 not counting drinks.  I am so happy about it.  I am sure that it is a lot less than I think.  I will be weighing myself tomorrow and I will probably eat over the limit.  During the holidays, the calories will eventually creep up.  I will have to be careful come Christmas time.  That was something that I have learned during this past Thanksgiving.
12/2    I have felt so much better yet I have eaten over the 1800-1900-2000-2100 calorie limit.  It is hard for me to go back to business as usual so to speak.  I wish I feel that way because I gained three pounds since I went wild with the food that I ate.  But I am doing a little better.  I do tend to eat mindlessly which I need to learn how to control.
12/3    No entry.
12/4    It is time for me to learn and no longer make excuses.  I just am not happy with myself or my eating habits.  Today is the day that I will make changes.  I need help.  I have been binging for a few days actually.  It is not just hunger.  It isn't greed.  It is a cry for help.  I have given up on me and I am still stressed out.  I thought that my change would not stress me out, but it has.  It is time that I start on myself and get to work.
12/5    I am going to up the number of calories for now.  I have been consuming with a budget of 2480 calories which will cause no weight gain, but maybe some weight loss.  I consumed and binged and consumed and binged.  I need to see someone about this.  I realize that I need help.  The underlying cause is that I feel like giving up.  I don't wish to give up.  I just don't know what I am doing.
12/6    I give up.  Should I just all over?  I need not only motivation but confidence.  I need help setting the goals that I need to lose weight and quit binging.  I give up.
12/7    Lord, help me gain the confidence, the focus, and the motivation and energy needed to lose weight.  I hate what I am doing.  I know I need help.  I am struggling with a binging problem and I cannot stop it on my own.  I ask for Your forgiveness for being a glutton for I lack self-control.  I need to lose weight and I am stressed out about it.  I have been stuck for a while now and I don't know exactly what I need to do.  I give You total and complete control over my exercise regimen, and my eating habits.  Help me, Lord.  Help me.

In Jesus' name,

12/8    I am a glutton.  I have a problem.  I gave up.  What shall I do in the next day?  Next week?  I am not sure, but it sure feels lonely.
12/9    I need to log in my food intake.  I have lost less than half a pound.  I have been gaining weight.  I have gotten lazy.  It is time for me to make a change.
12/10  I will not give up.  I didn't know where to begin.  I still don't but I have trouble being consistent and wanting to lose weight without stress in my life.  That is why I have binged.  I guess it is a form of emotional eating that I need help for.  I am a glutton who needed a Savior who could give me the guidance that I so desperately needed.  Maybe it was the fact that I felt free yet I was trapped because of the food that I ate.  Today I feel pretty calm.  I wonder if it is related to something else.  I needed help controling my appetite.  I also needed help with following doctor's orders.  I have diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and PCOS.  Oh, and not to mention I have stress that is hard to manage.  I need help managing my stress.  Life is too short and it has gotten shorter everyday.  Time goes by very fast.
12/11 I promise that I won't give up today. I have yet to give up. I do need to drink more water instead of drinking so much coffee however. I love coffee and have loved it ever since I was a little girl. I remember not being allowed to drink coffee during that time. My dad used to drink coffee. It is amazing what one can remember.
12/12 Well, I have not given up.  I have done well for myself.  I do not feel guilty about what I have consumed today.