Monday, November 30, 2015

NBC live performances

It isn't like the original, but it is so much better than most of the Peter Pan live play.  The first 30 minutes of Peter Pan was pretty good.  Much of the rest of the broadcast had its problems.  However, despite the fact that the movie was better, the Sound of Music live play on NBC was pretty good. Many critics have failed to realize that Carrie Underwood wasn't an actress by trade.  Her acting was believable considering that.  However, it was her singing that was really good.  I like shows like this as my mind knows that it is fiction.  Finally something that I want to watch.  Hopefully the Wiz will be good too.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

The appearance of evil

Listening to artists like Mariah Carey don't bother me in terms of my thoughts.  There is nothing about this song or video that has an appearance.  I have come to realize that abstaining from what is wrong is what can be of great help in my "journey" to wellness or rather, wholeness.  Living and being holy are requirements to being a Christian.  Sadly, there are times when I often forget.  Well, it is time for me to remember.  I realize that some shows, movies, and books have evil content, so I have to learn to avoid them.  I am not saying that all avoidance is healthy, but there is a healthy type of avoidance.  I believe that that would be an example of  abstaining from the appearance from evil.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Taking a break...

 "Mary, Did You know?" by Pentatonix

 "Silent Night" by The Temptations

 "O Holy Night" by Jennifer Hudson

I know that this isn't Christmas, but that is one thing that I am thankful for.  I manage to keep busy during the holidays and that is a plus.  Having thoughts that are not worth having and keeping busy equal less worry.  Maybe I should continue to keep all of this holiday "season" in perspective.  In fact, I should keep everyday of the year in perspective.  If only I had done this earlier, but it isn't too late.  That is a good thing.  Being thankful also does a heart good.  

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The need to reference

I need to learn about redefining and re-evaluating my life.  I realize that writing this.  I wish I had referred back to my book instead of referring to movies, tv shows, books, and even music videos. I have or had bothersome thoughts about women who cheat.  They are mostly wives, but they can be girlfriends or fiancees.  I really don't know why I have these thoughts.  I guess that it no longer matter.  I am pouring my heart out because it helps me to cope.  It makes me feel better.  Writing is cathartic and it is healing.  That is also why I pray.  Prayer in Jesus' name gives me a wisdom and a perspective that I never thought about before.  Sometimes taking every though captive is quite the difficult thing to do.  It is only fictional, so why does it seems so real?  That is what bothers me and I wish I could stop doing "research".  I am just not a strong person on my own.  I need spiritual guidance and wise counsel when it comes to this particular issue.  I wish I could just quit everything cold turkey.  I just wish I never had this disorder, period.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Refining and re-evaluating my life

I have to redefine my life and my goals.  I realize that I need to get out more.  My life has been blah. I have no real friend to talk to unless I am online.  My social life is almost nil.  I realize that I feel guilt about a lot of things.  I would like to just go to the beach or go to the movies.  I have been living in the past I guess.  I haven't had a "life" in over a decade, so I don't know where to begin.  I wonder if a social life and getting out would help me with the OCD.  Going out shopping for anytime of the year, much less for the holidays, do.  I look forward to Thursday.  I realize that I am thankful for much: a family who loves me, a place to lay my head, and at least I get to talk to online.  I have, however, Facebook friends, but it isn't the same as real friends.  That is something I would like to have: a true friend.  I love to hang out and go shopping, at least try to socialize with others, and go to sporting events.  Those are just a few things I would love to do, but I also need to know how to socialize with others who also have OCD.  That would be of great help.  Anything would be of great help.  I finally realize that I have little to complain about, but I realize that having OCD has helped me get closer to the Lord.  That is one thing that I must keep in mind or else I would lose my mind.  That is the worst part of having OCD.  I fear that I would go crazy.  I have things that I would love to overcome.  I need help in dealing with these issues.  Today, I am glad that I have taken the time to re-evaluate my life.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Examining my life with OCD

I am feeling better because the images no longer scare me.  Maybe it is better that I turn the TV off.  I am one who doesn't wish to consider avoidance a good thing.  Sometimes I wonder if there is a purpose since I have become a professional at avoiding things because of my thoughts.  I have been have difficulties that include  professional wrestling, fear of going to Hell, and separating fictional characters and end up thinking they are real.  It seems to make no sense.  It is especially true since I am a Christian who like some sports, have never cheated, and nor have been cheated on.  I only have theories on why I have some obsessions that are scarier than others.  I have my beliefs but even those beliefs have been exaggerated to the point where I begun to judge those who commit infidelity, wrestle, or those who preach about salvation.  It is a reality and a rather sad one.  But I realize that there is hope and I am forever hopeful.  That is a good thing.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

My thoughts and images scare me sometimes..

I am here to write that I have been dealing with images for a long time.  They have been about sex and rape for a while now.  Those images have been scaring me for years.  I realize that that is part of the OCD.  The thoughts that have been scaring me for years.  A woman getting caught in the act have been scary thoughts that I cannot see on television and in the movies.  Why do women cheat?  How can she do that?  I think that it is disgusting that she would do that.  I feel fear towards her and for the other guy.  What will the husband do about it?  What is wrong with me; why should I care?  How do I let those images pass?  They are difficult to pass unlike the thoughts that I cannot see I have?  I hate having these thoughts and these images in my mind.  I can't take those thoughts and those images anymore.  I get anxious over those thoughts and images; they aren't there often, but I have avoided or tried to avoid everything that deals with those thoughts and images.  Avoidance is something that I have "partaken" for years and I am getting tired of that.  I just don't know how to get rid of these thoughts and images.  They are a source of frustration to me.  

Friday, November 20, 2015

"Acceptance of thought"

I "love" him.  I have bidden adieu, but I cannot really let go.  I have tried.  However, I didn't try today.  I cried about him, and I worry about him.  What if he went to another place?  I wonder where he is.  What happened to him?  Having an obsession about a guy who has died is very weird.  I know this because if I were to take a few steps back then I would think that I am going crazy.  I was forgiven.  I messed up today because I was thinking about him.  I love his looks, his voice, and his seeming good personality.  I have come to accept my crush or obsession of him.  I have the man so attractive that I had difficulty letting him go.  Goodbye, young man,  You are greatly missed.  You are greatly loved.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Knowing how to overcome my compulsions

How do I overcome my compulsions? I would like to quit cold turkey, but is it possible?  I would like to overcome OCD, but as it seems, the OCD will never just go away soon.  I don't like having these compulsions.  They are mostly about wives cheating?  They are about other wives cheating.  I want to know why she cheats?  Why and how she feel about her husband?  I know infidelity is wrong, so does it make one a bad person?  I feel that it doesn't say much about her.  I am not about passing ungodly judgement on her, but it doesn't make here seem like a good person.  My other question is why do I have thoughts about another woman committing adultery.  I have "theories" about this. However, I realize it no longer matters why.  Yet I wonder why I should care.  I no longer have questions about a wife in particular cheating, even if she is innocent.  Why oh why?  There is nothing I can do to change the facts about infidelity.  I feel like a nosy person who wants to know the business of others.   It makes me less anxious.  However, it doesn't make feel that great since I have wasted a lot of time to find the "answers" I so seek.  What is important is that I break the cycle of OCD.  I just hope that the impossible can be possible.  That is my story about why and how I manage to cope with having OCD.  

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

I confess.

I confess.  I feel like just going back to my old ways.  I am tempted to live out my old ways.  I can live a new way.  My thoughts have improved greatly.  I realize that I can do it.  Life is too short to stay the same way that I at least, often write about what I haven't done.  I have been listening to this guy who has said that the first month is hard.  I have come a long way.  Being free is great! However, I still have to deal with triggers, which can be quite scary at times.  Building up confidence will take quite a while, but I know that I can do this.  I no longer feel like I wish to quit or to give up.  I am tired, but I need to rest.  I guess a little rest would not hurt.  That little bit of rest may be what I need to fuel me.  I needed the fuel.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Confessions from the past few days

In the last post, I posted up a video.  It symbolizes to me that what is going on in this planet is only temporary.  I also know that the cliche life is too short is true.  Being an OCD sufferer has not been easy.  If not, it has been hard, but at least it has gotten me closer to the Lord.  I do still wonder if the devil is winning.  Being a Christian and having OCD doesn't make it any easier sometimes.  I had doubts about God yesterday.  I told Him how I really felt.  I have found myself frustrated at the direction my life was going.  Nothing has changed it seems.  I don't enjoy life.  I admit that I am not happy, even with God.  Since then, I have repented.  I have been dealing with and struggling with doubt for years.  Doubt is not an easy thing to overcome.  I have many other issues that I have been dealing with.  In fact, I was about to make a really bad decision because of my lack of judgement and because of my doubting.  I know that OCD is known as the doubting disease,  I do wonder however, if that has compounded my doubt.  It isn't the hardest life, but sometimes, OCD doesn't make it easier.  In fact, one is fearful and often scared when having OCD because of the seriousness of the issues one has.  I felt horrible because I did have doubt, but at the same time, I still doubted that God answered my prayers.  I even wondered that I am truly born again.  I have often prayed over and over for Jesus to save me.  I have realized and need to be anxious for nothing.  Make my petitions known to God.  God knows and now I know that God truly cares.

Monday, November 16, 2015

One day, believers will be with the Lord quickly.

If you want to know 
Where I'm going? 
Where I'm going, soon 

If anybody ask you
Where I'm going
Where I'm going soon

I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
To be with my Lord

I can take the pain
The heartaches they bring
The comfort in knowing
I'll soon be gone

As God gives me grace
I'll run this race
Until I see my Savior
Face to face

I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
To be with my Lord

I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
I'm goin' up yonder
To be with my Lord

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Needing to Lose Extra Weight

I am tired of doubting whether or not I am saved or lost.  I know God loves me.  I know that Jesus saved me, but I continue to have doubts.  My doubts even cause me fear.  I realize that OCD is just a disorder and it is called the doubting disease.  Maybe that is what it is, the disorder that causes me doubt.  I even wondered if it is demonic.  I am in spiritual warfare and I have suffered from depression, anxiety, and doubt.  It has been a long time since I can say that I am in the best of health. I am not.  I am not in perfect health.  I have to work extra hard at working on losing weight, which is the healthiest thing for me.  I even had an image that was a bit scary to me.  It was as if I was literally a broken person in a live body.  I have been under a lot of stress over the years and I realize that I need to take better care of myself.

It hasn't been easy trying to consume a healthy diet.  Eating healthy and dealing with health issues has been hard for me.  However, the weight loss is most definitely worth it.  I now wonder that if I were to lose weight, not only would I feel better, but I would be "cured" of all of my ailments.  I also wonder if I were to lose weight the bipolar and the OCD would lessen.  I know that the diabetes, the high cholesterol, the high blood pressure, and the stress would lessen.  The risks of my getting a heart attack, a stroke, or even cancer would lessen.  I need to lose weight and I have also been suffering from looping and repetitive thoughts.  It has become a cycle and it really does stem from the obsession to lose weight.  If I were to take better care of the bipolar and the OCD, then I could take better care of myself and lose the weight.  That is what would make me feel whole.  

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Saturday, 7/27/15 repost

It is mean for people to be small-minded and quite cruel.  There are times when I wish I were prettier or even smarter.  I am reminded often that I have the " book smarts, but not the common sense smarts".  In other words, I can understand Shakespeare, but not have an understanding as far as opening a door, talking on the phone, or even changing a light bulb.  It is I am more inept.  I have been led to believe that I have done a lot of things to prove people right.  In my life, it is as if I have done things or have made mistakes that have caused others to look down on me.  It may not be the case, but that is how I feel.  It is as if to the world, I am not smart enough, or pretty enough, or maybe even good enough.  I have a hard time with people telling me I am beautiful or pretty.  You see, I am overweight, short, and wear glasses.  I have often been rejected or called ugly.  People rarely say that I am a beautiful girl, and if they do, then I have a hard time believing them.  My self-esteem is rather low and I am often comparing my body to others.  There are body parts that I like, but there are others that I don't.  I wish there were people who could relate.  I do wonder if some of the so-called "beautiful" people have those issues that I have.  What is their story?  I try to see the beauty in everyone, but it is very hard to see it in myself.  I do get it.  I am the "before" picture in the weight loss ads and inspirational pics.  I hate the dreams that I have about my body.  In those dreams, I am a blob.  I have a rather "undesirable" shape.  I hate having to say that.  It is awful what I just wrote; I feel like a total hypocrite.  I just don't like myself.  I believe that for years that could be the reason why I have obsessive thoughts or rather obsessions about how I should look and I tend to get obsessed with certain body parts.  There is a certain size and shape that I deep down find more attractive than others and for that, I feel bad about that.  I need help.  I often wish I were that shape.  I hope that once I lose more weight, I can be happier with the way that I am.

Friday, November 13, 2015

"I'm Saved" the Gaithers

This is a song that as I am writing this I have been having doubts about.  I believe that it is mostly the OCD though it could be other reasons.  For decades, I have been having doubts about being saved.  I still do. I don't know how to overcome them and I don't know what to do.  I realize that Jesus loves me and I know and believe that He died on the cross for me, but I also believe that He rose again.  I have been receiving so many messages over the years and the trouble is, they all sound believable.  Maybe they are all lies as well.  My prayer is that I realize that nothing truly separates me mentally and spiritually from the love of God

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Story of my life

Sadly, these have been a story of my life.  Judging from my blog posts,  that seems to be a lot of what I was talking about.  Mentally I am doing better than I have felt in a while now.  That is only because I realize that in order to win there are times when one has to learn how to pick their battles.  Fighting can be a losing battle but all challenges can be overcome.  I have been left with confusion, anxiety, and worse health than I have ever imagined.  I have been stressed out.  I have grown tired. I am not tired now but I have been there for too long. It is stressful with dealing with anxiety, fair health, and looping thoughts, I felt trapped.  It is rough having a misunderstood condition that I have to constantly live with everyday.  Having this disorder and being bipolar with hormonal issues can cause quite a few problems for oneself if not checked.  Well it has been checked and because of that, I will end up being better in the end.  In the meantime, I am just glad that I don't have to worry about wondering why I always felt like the hamster spinning in a wheel.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

OCD is challenging.

A lot has happened in the last few years.  I realize that while I can't go back, I certainly can learn from the past.  I have made many misfires, missteps, and mistakes along the way.  As right as I am, I have also made many different discoveries, even as I am writing this.  I now have an opportunity to be free and enjoy life.  The sad truth is, I like billions of others live in a sinful world and I realize that things won't always be smooth sailing.  Right now, I am not 100% without having to deal with obsessive thoughts.  Sometimes that can be frustrating.  Maybe I should take the time to count my blessings instead of counting my frustrations.

Monday, November 9, 2015

In need of Wisdom

I need You always, Wisdom.  I have got to let this guy go.  In fact, I have got to let the world actually pass me by.  It may be easier for those thoughts to pass me by as well.  I have gone tired of fighting, which is one of the ironies of having OCD.  Maybe I should just relax.  I don't know what more to do. I am tired of the worse case scenarios for instance.  The thoughts focus on them all the time realizing that they could happen.  Truth is stranger than fiction has become one of my least favorite quotes because of this worse case scenario.    Being mindful and struggling to let the thoughts pass is a lot of work.  OCD is really a lot of work and a lot to deal with.  However, I have come to realize that there must have been a reason to struggle the way I have been.  Well, it did draw me closer to the Lord, that is for sure.  I am thankful for the OCD and I am thankful for knowing this guy who I liked. Lord, may he rest in peace.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

"Vertigo" 1958

Plot courtesy of wiki:
After a rooftop chase, where his acrophobia and vertigo result in the death of a policeman, San Francisco detective John "Scottie" Ferguson retires. Scottie tries to conquer his fear, but his friend and ex-fiancĂ©e Midge Wood suggests another severe emotional shock may be the only cure.
An acquaintance from college, Gavin Elster, asks Scottie to follow his wife, Madeleine, claiming she has been possessed. Scottie reluctantly agrees, and follows Madeleine to a florist where she buys a bouquet of flowers, to the grave of Carlotta Valdes at Mission Dolores, and to an art museum where she gazes at Portrait of Carlotta, the subject of which Madeleine resembles. Finally, she enters the McKittrick Hotel, but when Scottie investigates, she is not there.
A local historian explains that Carlotta Valdes tragically committed suicide. Gavin reveals that Carlotta (who he fears is possessing Madeleine) is Madeleine's great-grandmother, although Madeleine has no knowledge of this, and does not remember where she has visited. Scottie tails Madeleine to Fort Point, and she leaps into San Francisco Bay. Scottie rescues her.
The next day Scottie follows Madeleine; they meet and spend the day together. They travel to Muir Woods and Cypress Point on 17-Mile Drive, where Madeleine runs down towards the ocean. Scottie grabs her and they embrace. Scottie identifies the setting of Madeleine's nightmare as Mission San Juan Bautista. He drives her there and they express their love for each other. Madeleine suddenly runs into the church and up the bell tower. Scottie, halted on the steps by his vertigo, sees Madeleine plunge to her death.
The death is declared a suicide. Gavin does not fault Scottie, but Scottie breaks down, becomes clinically depressed and is in a sanatorium, almost catatonic. After release, Scottie frequents the places that Madeleine visited, often imagining that he sees her. One day, he notices a woman who reminds him of Madeleine, despite her different appearance. Scottie follows her and she identifies herself as Judy Barton, from Salina, Kansas.
flashback reveals that Judy was the person Scottie knew as "Madeleine Elster"; she was impersonating Gavin's wife as part of a murder plot. Judy writes to Scottie explaining her involvement with Gavin's murder of his wife. Gavin had deliberately taken advantage of Scottie's acrophobia to substitute his wife's freshly killed body in the apparent "suicide jump". Judy rips up the letter and decides to continue the charade, because she loves Scottie.
They begin seeing each other, but Scottie remains obsessed with "Madeleine" and asks Judy to change her clothes and hair so that she resembles Madeleine. After Judy complies, hoping that they may finally find happiness together, he notices her wearing the necklace portrayed in the painting of Carlotta, and realizes the truth. He insists on driving her to the Mission.
There, he tells her he must re-enact the event that led to his madness, admitting he now understands that "Madeleine" and Judy are the same person. Scottie forces her up the bell tower and makes her admit her deceit. Scottie reaches the top, finally conquering his acrophobia. Judy confesses that Gavin paid her to impersonate a "possessed" Madeleine; Gavin faked the suicide by throwing the body of his wife from the bell tower.
Judy begs Scottie to forgive her, because she loves him. He embraces her, but a shadowed figure rises from the trapdoor of the tower, startling Judy, who steps backward and falls to her death. Scottie, bereft again, stands on the ledge, while the figure, a nun investigating the noise, rings the mission bell.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Man, I Can relate

why did my head start shaking that day
and why do all the doctors have nothing to say
left with so much dizziness all i can do now is pray
and wonder if im going to live to see another day

this dizziness has made my life one big mess
its even got me stressed and depressed
it has taken total control of my life
and i cant get away from the pain and strife

i think the dizziness is making me go insane
and i feel like theres something seriously wrong with my brain
now i think i might be mentally ill
because i have to see a psychologist and take some kind of pill

suicide is a everyday thought
and now i will never achieve the goals that i sought
i dont know how much more i can take
i hope this dizziness ends soon for my sake
J D, 1997


Friday, November 6, 2015

Anxiety Can Cause Chronic Dizziness

Anxiety Can Cause Chronic Dizziness

By Rick Nauert PhD
~ 1 min read
Living with chronic dizziness can be a taxing and exasperating endeavor as medical cures are often few and far between. However, discerning the source of the dizziness can give clinicians a ‘heads up’ toward development of abatement strategies.

New research finds that chronic dizziness can stem from many different causes including anxiety disorders, migraine, and traumatic brain injury in the part of the nervous system governing involuntary activities.

The report is published in the February issue of Archives of Otolaryngology–Head & Neck Surgery, one of the JAMA/Archives journals.

One particular type of chronic dizziness not related to vertigo (a feeling of turning or whirling usually associated with inner ear problems) has long vexed physicians, according to background information in the article.

“Patients with this syndrome have chronic nonspecific dizziness, subjective imbalance and hypersensitivity to motion stimuli, which are exacerbated in complex visual environments (e.g., walking in a busy store, driving in the rain),” the authors write. Some researchers have proposed the term chronic subjective dizziness for this condition.

Jeffrey P. Staab, M.D., M.S., and colleagues at the University of Pennsylvania Health System, Philadelphia, studied 345 men and women age 15 to 89 (average age 43.5) who had dizziness for three months or longer due to unknown causes. From 1998 to 2004, the patients were tracked from their referral to a balance center through multiple specialty examinations until they were given a diagnosis.

“All but six patients were diagnosed as having psychiatric or neurologic conditions, including primary or secondary anxiety disorders, migraine, traumatic brain injury and neurally mediated dysautonomias,” or abnormal functioning of the autonomic nervous system, which controls involuntary actions.

Anxiety disorders were associated with 60 percent of the chronic dizziness cases and central nervous system conditions (including migraine, brain injuries and autonomic nervous system disorders) with 38.6 percent. Six patients (1.7 percent) had irregular heartbeats.


Thursday, November 5, 2015

Thinking back

It has been over 20 years since I have realized that there are things that are of the old adage: the more things change, the more they stay the same.  Why is that?  Why does that adage ring true?  It is the answer to what has been wrong with me these past 2 decades.  I had struggled with these same struggles 20 years ago.  This time, I can't just pick up and leave it all behind.  I have to face it head on.  I have to also see that there are some underlying issues that must be faced if I wish for my goals to be accomplished.  I am present physically and otherwise yet I still feel like mentally I am out of control.  It is quite an uncomfortable feeling to have.  I have this a lot due to mania and anxiety.  I have been diagnosed as being bipolar for more than that time and after all of these years, I have had doubts that I have been getting a good handle on it.  I wonder this because of what I have described before.  Maybe this is something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life but it can be managed, like the obsessive thoughts.  Sometimes going back and making reference is a good thing.  Staying back is not a good thing and it implies a failure to desire to move forward.