Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Examination of my thoughts

Yesterday, I pasted some Bible verses that were, and still are, quite comforting. How do I take every thought that exalts itself...as written in 2 Corinthians 10?  How do I think on true, just, lovely, etc...and also of good report?  I learned that the answer is to think on the things of God.  It isn't about the power of positivism or self-esteem. It is about thinking on and meditating on God's Word.  No obsessive thought or image that I know has honored God.  In fact, no one, including me, has been honored by these thoughts.  In fact, the thoughts and images have been demeaning and degrading. They produce anxiety, fear, and dread.  What honor is that?

I have learned that examining my thoughts is something that can help me to face my fears.  I don't like to avoid things, nor do I like to waste my time thinking on things that are not of God. Entertainment has not been an idol, but it has been a waste of time.  My priority first should be to God and what He wants.  That is more important than anything.  Writing out stories have also been cathartic, but they cause anxiety and feed my thoughts even more sometimes.

They have not hurt me except when they produce fear and anxiety.  I wish I could say that they don't hurt me, but they do.  I have to examine these thoughts for my own good.  I no longer wish to avoid things.  I don't want to watch television because of my thoughts.  I want to watch television for entertainment.  I don't want to watch television more than read the Bible.  I want to read the Bible, apply it to my life and the real world.  I don't want to any longer avoid anything, period.  I want to have some semblance of an actual life.  I no longer want to be shielded from the world.  I just want to live and grow and learn and stand on my own two feet.

Those are the things I want to do.  What am I afraid of?  I am afraid that I will be bound by the opinions of other people.  I want to see things from my point of view without passing ungodly judgement on others people.  I am not saying "love the sin" or "we shouldn't judge what other people do", but there is and will always be judgment, godly or ungodly.  Rightfully calling people out for their sins without hypocrisy or malice is godly judgment.  Calling people out with hypocrisy, malice, and with a lack of humility is passing ungodly judgment on others.  Hopefully I will learn to be an example of a godly, righteous, judge instead of a malicious, mean-spirit, milquetoast, or unrepentant judge who looks down on others.  I think infidelity committed by others is wrong.  If someone is wrong, then they need to repent.  Their sin should be righteously called out and dealt with for a lack of better terms.

Having said that, I don't like images which demean, violate, or embarrass someone, specifically a woman.  Doing that would make the wronged party small, petty, malicious, and in some cases, hypocritical.  While I have my views on the matter, I am in the business of examining those thoughts and why I have them.  A woman, or even a man, getting caught scares me so do stories of extreme infidelity, divorce, and paternity.  Once upon a time, I had thoughts that won't go away, but over time the thoughts "snowballed" and became more and more extreme and more and more exaggerated.  Out of the blue I begun to "learn" out avoidance and I have ever since avoided tv shows, books, and movies that would have sexual content.  The truth is, how do I no longer feed my thoughts?  What am I afraid of?  I have an image of a movie where the woman is a cheater and husband's family badmouths here.  I don't like it.  Maybe the problems are my sometimes unrealistic, black and white views on things.  I need to change my thought patterns and maybe write, or "tell" stories without passing ungodly judgment on the adulterer.

Jesus used righteous judgment and told the woman, "go, and sin no more".  I realize that Jesus showed mercy to a woman who was guilty of committing adultery and she was caught, in the very act.  The very act is what scares me.  I have questions about these questions about different stories, real, or fictional.  Will she cheat?  Will she be grateful, faithful, respectful, or loving?  Why did she want to be with or marry him?  How many men did she sleep with?  Are adulterers in general bad people; does one have to be a bad person to cheat?  Why does it seem less bothersome when a man cheats than when a woman cheats?

I tend to "see" things from either the man's point of view or from the point of view of others.  I do care what others think.  Examine my real life for a moment.  That may be a key to having these thoughts.  Why do I get scared of having a crush on a guy that I no longer find that attractive?  Why do I have sometimes have feelings about a guy who is dead?  Those are questions I ask myself, or should I even ask those questions?  Should I feel dislike for a person who has done something wrong?  I have learned that expressing myself and exposing thoughts that are bothersome help.  I have learned that not answering the content of those questions help.  I have also learned that writing out my thoughts, the thoughts that are in my head, help.  Examining those thoughts can prove to be hard work, but I don't wish to examine those thoughts and the results feed my thoughts.

I need to finally realize why, who, when, and where no longer matters.  I find myself wondering why other people do what they do.  I also find myself realizing that I am in need of a change in my mindset.  I need to work on myself and on my social life first.  I also need to seek God more for wisdom and guidance.  I also need to seek Him for a direction in my life so that I can be and remain wise as to how He wants for me to live.  I need to realize that while they come suddenly, they tend to fade away and sometimes even fade away.  Sometimes they return, which is just as scary.  I look up information on the internet and sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.

The thoughts even wake me up sometimes.  They are extreme, especially if the woman plays into my worst fears.  My worst fears is that she is an evil, vile, promiscuous, unloving, unkind, unfaithful woman with children that are not her husband's have not been forgiven, have been divorced, having been humiliated, dumped, ungodly judged, and will get caught in the very act with another man.  That is what I am afraid of and my answers will reflect that in some way, shape, or form.  I finally learned the scenarios contradict who I am and how I believe, whatever my beliefs are.  Those are the things I realize that I would like to change and there are times when I just need to relax and just need to live. Using the internet can be lessened.  I need something or Someone else to be my Guide and my Shield. It is time I ask questions based on what He thinks, because I am not of the world while still in it.  The one thing that I would like to remember is that the thoughts should not be held in such regard and that they will not last.  Also I also would like to remember what does and does not fuel anymore thoughts or shield them.  Being proactive and not trying to react to every thought by fighting does help greatly.  I am just glad that I finally realize that all will be and so far, is well.  "I can do all things..." is something that is my motto. 

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