Sunday, January 31, 2016

These compulsions

I am no longer afraid of watching infidelity committed by wives in movies.  I always knew it was fictional, but I had to see things for myself.  I spend a lot of time engaging in compulsions.  I can't take it anymore.  I hate doing it, but I cannot stop them.  I have a good counselor but even in those times those are annoying.  I often feel bad about having obsessive thoughts and performing compulsions.  I feel like I am unable to stop.  I just cannot take it anymore.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Clearer mind

My mind has become so much clearer now.  I had a crush or obsession over famous celebrities living or dead.  Sage Stallone, who was the one I was afraid of telling about was the one I was obsessed with.  I spent a lot time obsessing over him.  He was handsome and a good actor.  Sadly he passed away nearly four years ago.  I will never get to meet Sage.  I have no idea if I were meeting a nice person or if he were a jerk.  I am glad to be writing this because I feel so free.  My minded tended to loop.  I realize now that I can accept the fact that I have a crush on him.  I wonder if I were crazy for having a crush on a man who has passed away.  What is so sobering is that I have seen pictures of his grave.  It is sobering and sad to watch.  He had very sad eyes which was quite telling.  I couldn't help but feel sorry for him.  Sadly, he is gone.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Partial re-post from 1/27/16

Maybe, Oh yes, I thought I had a problem.  Had a problem.  I realize that I have to see the thought for what it is, a thought. I can either see it as negative or I can just see it as a "positive" and just laugh it off.  I wish I could do that, but I realize that it is hard-very very hard.  It is quite difficult.  OCD has done a great job of taking over every area of my life, including the most mundane, like watching tv and such.  The question is, what is acceptance and how do I truly accept these thoughts do I have?

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

It has been three days, yikes.

I cannot believe it has three days since my last entry.  Oh well, that is okay.  I feel so so.  I have been feeling that for the past three days now.  I am scared that the OCD will get worse.  I feel like I have gotten worse.  I have spent much of the recent past engaging in compulsions that are bothersome. Maybe they aren't as bothersome as they should be.  How do or should I engage in mindfulness? I have to see that fiction is just that, fiction.  It never happened.  Maybe, Oh yes, I thought I had a problem.  Had a problem.  I realize that I have to see the thought for what it is, a thought. I can either see it as negative or I can just see it as a "positive" and just laugh it off.  I wish I could do that, but I realize that it is hard-very very hard.  It is quite difficult.  OCD has done a great job of taking over every area of my life, including the most mundane, like watching tv and such.  The question is, what is acceptance and how do I truly accept these thoughts do I have?

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Sexual imagery

I just don't like the idea of sexual imagery period.  It sometimes scare me to even see a picture of a straight couple having sex.  It doesn't matter if it is from a work of fiction or something that happens in real life.  Someone knocking on the door and the other person getting caught having sex scares me. That is the image that scares me the most.  I don't know why this is so, so I will have to "get over it" somehow.  I have had this particular thought for over nine years and I tried to ignore it.  However, I cannot and that makes it even scarier.  I cannot stand to see a nude body without lusting after a person.  I cannot see a partially clothed or nude body without comparing my body to said person.  I know it seems strange, but how do I overcome that?

Saturday, January 23, 2016

How I really feel about myself physically

I don’t always like what I see what I look like in a mirror.  I do at times, but only certain body parts. I find myself comparing my bodies to that of others.  Overall I think that my body has way too many imperfections.  The fact that I am anxious and worried so much is something that I realize has played too great a role in my life as well.  I just have a problem thinking that I am pretty, attractive, beautiful even. It is hard to verbalize things and then accept them as fact.  Those are the things maybe that I need not hold in.  For years I have been holding things in, especially about who I think I am “in love” with.  I realize that while being obsessed with a person can lead to literally stalking him, I realize that not telling the whole story would be counterproductive.  I have had these thoughts and obsessions for years, maybe most of my life, even.  What bothers me about now is the fact that I am over 40 and I still have that same issue.This time it is with someone connected to someone famous...very, very famous.  Sadly right now, had he lived, he would not be over 40 as he died quite young.

Friday, January 22, 2016

The hard work will be worth it.

I have proven that with some hard work, perseverance, and a little action, I know that I can go back to school.  It took a while, but I did.  I managed to go back to school.  Of course that was over 20 years ago. Now I am stuck wondering about my life and what could have been.  I finally realize now after all this time that no matter what obstacles are in my way, with hard work, perseverance, and some action, I can push forward.  I felt great about myself then.  I can feel good about myself again.

"A workout is called a work out for a reason".

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

How I am doing right now about my life

I am a person who loves life but has yet to live it.  I feel like I have been held back.  It is as if the world has passed me by.  Maybe it has and now I have to look in the mirror.  I am a part of the world but I have to make my own path.  This world is made just for me.  Time waits for no one.  I feel like at times I have no time.  I am at an age where I think I’m young, and want to be young.  I cannot go back to my teens, 20s, and 30s.  I am a woman over 40 and have been that way for only a few months.  I wish I had learned a lot more back then than I do now.  Maybe now at 41, I wouldn’t feel like I did at 31.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Reflections about myself

For the past couple of days, I have been sharing some information about myself.  I have become wiser myself as a result.  It took a while to tell and write out my story.  I realize that writing an autobiography is not easy.  I realize also that being honest about oneself can be quite painful.  I have admitted so much about myself.  Believe it or not, I began to know a lot more about myself than even I admit to.  I have often written about having obsessive compulsive disorder.  Having this disorder has brought me closer to God.  It has taught me to take action and not do anything.  I have spent the last few years dreaming and having fighting the greatest battle that I personally faced.  Interestingly enough, I faced much of those same battles decades ago.  I do think that I will okay.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Some wise words written about myself...

I have proven that with some hard work, perseverance, and a little action, I know that I can go back to school.  It took a while, but I did.  I managed to go back to school.  Of course that was over 20 years ago. Now I am stuck wondering about my life and what could have been.  I finally realize now after all this time that no matter what obstacles are in my way, with hard work, perseverance, and some action, I can push forward.  I felt great about myself then.  I can feel good about myself again.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

A little bit about myself..

As a teenager, I had to grow up but the roots of my mental issues today stemmed a lot from those years. I was picked on a lot and I did things to the extreme.  My current mindset began to develop around this time. I have an all-or-nothing, black-and-white mindset.  That is the best way to describe how I think and I feel about things.  One day at age 19, I was diagnosed as having been bipolar after all that was wrong with me.  I had suicidal thoughts, I could not get along with my roommate, and my grades went down.  Over the years, I no longer had suicidal thoughts, I never saw my roommate again, and I managed to end up with a passing GPA.  I was diagnosed as bipolar and then hospitalized in 1994.  I graduated from college in 1997, after transferring from school and not going for a year.

Friday, January 15, 2016

The reality of having thoughts, period

I recall saying that life is about making choices.  Well I did make a similar point to that.  I realize that it doesn't even matter why I have these thoughts.  It is about what to do with them since all of us have thoughts.  They will come.  Some thoughts pass but others stay like unwelcome guests.  I just want for the unwelcome guests to leave.  Wishing them and wanting them to leave won't help.  Standing up and taking action will.  That is something that requires even a little bit of ingenuity.  How do I know this?  I live this practically everyday.  I just hate that I just now thought about this.  What is so bad is that those thoughts are bullies that just keep pouncing on a person.  That is why fighting back is so important.  It is also in how one fights back that is vital to taking back one's home and one's life and one's safety  Those are among the things that I have learned over the past few years.  I am doing better but I realize that the war is not over.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Making choices are a part of life.

I am a person who has to decide who she is and where she wants to be.  Right now, I am watching this show on Lifetime called "Child Geniuses".  I like the show because it doesn't seem like the kids are being exploited.  However, there is still that cringe worthy parent factor.  Anyways, I like shows like "Jeopardy" that do more to stimulate the mind.  This way, I can focus on something other than obsessive thoughts about infidelity and code words such as "wife", "divorce", or "paternity".  It sadly does happen but not everyone has committed infidelity, so why these particular thoughts?  I have decided not to even care.  Life is about choices.  So today, I choose not to be anxious.  I also choose not to worry so much about the cares of this life that nothing will "fall into place".  Tonight I will also choose to focus on me.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Living with ocd

I believe that carrying on compulsions is frustrating at times.  There are even been a couple of times when I tried to quit cold turkey.  Having obsessive thoughts and overcoming them is one thing, but actually dealing with both the thoughts and compulsions is another.  I guess I have POCD, which is purely about the obsessive thoughts.  But I wonder if anyone ever had just compulsions?  That would be interesting to know.  I would think that a person who has POCD would have at least one compulsion that they don't have difficulty performing on a daily basis. I have begun to question, even overthink things.  I hated that, but I really really hate not feeling anything even more.  I try to see the positives, despite all of the negatives.  Having said all of that, it is not easy to see the positives with all of the anxious thoughts, the avoidance, and the compulsions.  I guess that OCD to me is a daily struggle of having to deal with trying to fight with figuring out the negatives and the positives.  It would be about the struggle of why me?  Why am I living like this?  I need help here.  Why doesn't God just heal me?  I find myself asking those questions often.  However, I cannot imagine my life without having OCD.  I wonder if that is a good thing or if that is a bad thing.  Could it be both?

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Clear mind

I am a woman on a mission.  I believe that life has been on the up and up for me.  It sounds strange that I wrote that.  I had something miraculous to me.  I had thoughts that seemed to have bothered me and whatever else.  Sadly I don't remember now.  All of what has happened today has been erased. My mind has been cleared this morning.  It is as if I have been set free.  I don't feel reborn, but free nevertheless.  I just hope to feel even better than that soon.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Golden Globes

Last night I was watching the Golden Globes and much of it was quite boring.  I turned to fixing the television and watching sports anyways.  The young man's father won an award and that was a surprise to me.  It was so sad that he died so young.  Interestingly enough, the famous actor failed to mention his sons' names.  Maybe it hurt too much but he could at least mention them.  It is quite a nice thing for him and my hope is that he was an angel watching below.  His death is so sad and looking at the son's grave is quite sobering.  May he rest in peace.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Famous actor's son

He was the son of a famous actor.  He, the son of said famous actor,  was a handsome man who was sweet and sensitive.  I have been afraid to write or even say his name for fear of either being thought of as crazy or not to be taken seriously.  I did open up and that may help me.  On the other hand, it might not.  It might have made things worse.  So far, I have been shy about what to say or what to do.  I still question if this is what I should do.  The last person online I mentioned my crush to hasn't corresponded with me since.  What were to happen if I were to send the person the private message and they either didn't or wouldn't respond?  What if they decide to think I was crazy and didn't wish to respond?  I now wonder that even if I were to verbalize it, I should have been so trustworthy.  On the other hand, not keeping this so secret may be of help to me and thus I would have to risk the ridicule and the possible negative feedback.  I want to get better and I want to be made whole.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Knee Deep

I have finally realized that I have gone knee deep into my obsession.  I have pretended that he was my husband and that we had children together.  We also divorced because I hurt him.  I remarried later on only to hurt the new husband.  When I cam by to see him, he wasn't thrilled with me.  But after I said something, he decided to hug me anyways.  I was in tears and I now know I was forgiven.
All was well until the day he died.  One day I saw a red bird in the window.  I was crying because I missed him.  He was there for me and he wiped my tears.  By then I finally realized that I needed to move on.  I realize that I need to let go.  It was not dream.  It seemed real and I have decided to confess this to anyone in reality.  I guess that if I were to confess, then it would be over.  That is why I cry over him I guess.  I really think that I have lost my mind.  I guess it is the OCD.  I hope it is. Maybe I need to tell the truth, but I won't lie.  Should I just keep my mouth shut?

Friday, January 8, 2016

Crush turned into an obsession

I need to understand that I have questions and need understanding of what a spiritual reflection truly is.  I also need to understand that the image I love is no longer with us.  I confess that I thought I was in love with him.  I had feelings about this man that I realize are ungodly.  I felt sick about some of those thoughts.  Maybe I felt like I was going crazy.  I accept that I have this obsession.  While I do want this to end, I realize that this almost year long crush is just that, a crush.  It is weird to have one of those at my age.  However, I am not too old to have an obsession. I have become obsessed with him and the very image and thought about him.  In strange ways it has held me back from things that are more important.  I wonder if that was what God said about dying to self and taking up my cross daily.  I am supposed to renew my mind daily.  The truth is, that will be impossible, well almost. I have finally realized that it is possible.  I have had obsessive thoughts that have gone too far.  I even felt like I was losing it.  I accept that too.  Complaining about it and fussing over it does not help. I was even wondering where he is.  I wanted this man, or so I thought.  It has been hard to confess in the past, but not anymore.  I finally realize that I can take back some semblance of my life.  I can fall in love, get married, and have kids.  It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Can I trust my own reflection even?

I often wondered ever since I was a kid what others saw in me.  What was most important is what I saw in myself.  How come is it that I can only see myself as a reflection?  Why do I have only a reflection that I may not not trust?  To me, not being able to see myself without a reflection is quite scary.  The world is an untrustworthy place so when if someone is telling me something false about me.  What if I am really a blonde yet the mirror sees a brunette.  I would like to be able to see my nose and my mouth without the use of a mirror for instance.  Would I also be able to trust myself?  I don't know if it is OCD, but I just cannot get over this.  I often concentrate on that very "issue".  If I were to see a picture of myself, how would I know if it is really me.  It may actually be someone else. The joke may actually be on me.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Changing my way of thinking

I wonder if I have become obsessed with answering and asking questions.  Truthfully, if I wish to get rid of something, I will have to be fair, honest, and positive.  If and only if that is the case that my wish to accept this obsessive thought or crush.  The only person who can influence my thinking or change my way of changing is me.  I accept the fact that at 41 years old, I no longer feel bad or have to ask questions.  I feel like it is just okay.  I have to realize that the crush is dead.  He was very handsome and thinking about him makes me feel very sad.  Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy but now I know I was not.  I am no longer ashamed of having a crush on someone who is dead.  I am not crazy at all.

Monday, January 4, 2016

One hundred percent

All I have been doing is to eat foods.  The smell of leftover duck left me nauseated.  I have no idea what to do with this duck though I realize it is not hard to prepare.  I have no idea how to overcome fully these obsessive thoughts.  That means that while they are manageable, I am not at 100%.  I guess I will never be.  The issue is my compulsions.  I do wonder if I will ever change and overcome my compulsions.  Just let things be.  

Sunday, January 3, 2016

I am happy.

"Don't get too comfortable in the state that you're in...".  Those are lyrics to a song called "Higher" by Steve Middleton.  I know it is about God producing a change in all of us believers, if that is what it means.  It also means to me that one should not be complacent.  I have been too complacent.  I have not been happy, but today, I have been.  Just going back in time and just being young and letting loose feels good.  I wasn't uptight.  I wasn't rigid.  I just felt good and I had a smile on my face.  It was as if I didn't have a care in the world. For the first time in a long time, it truly felt great.  I felt great.  Sometimes going back can help one actually move forward.  I didn't feel like staying stuck in the past, but I felt energized.  I am ready to smile more and just be happy.  It was as if I felt that there was nothing that held me back,  even for a moment.  I took a little bit of action; that is the lesson I have learned today.  Take a little bit of action, but take nothing for granted either.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Taking action

I wish that I could complement myself more often.  Over the years I feel like that I am lazy and that my weight was a reflection of my laziness.  That is not the case thankfully.  I sometimes admit that I have gotten lazy over the years but that is just some way of being down on myself.  I have been for a long time because of my obsessive thoughts.  Being so set like this for almost a decade can do that to a person.  I have yet to overcome it.  There are things that I like to do that I probably haven't done in years.  I have been shielded and bound to this computer.  Though I have no social life outside of this computer, I feel safe.  Isolation makes me safe.  Being sheltered makes me feel safe.  Safety can either be a good thing or a bad thing.  Isolation can either be a good thing or a bad thing.  Being sheltered can be a bad thing.  However, I have learned a lot and leaned a lot in these past few years. However, I would like to change that.  I often have questions because I have no real answers.  It is either that, or, I have had the answers all along and didn't know it.  I have taken no action until now, but there have always been roadblocks in my way.  I don't know how to remove those roadblocks. The more things have changed for me, the more they stay the same.  They don't have to be that way, and that requires doing the hard work.  Ask for help.  Hold myself accountable.  Take action.  It doesn't hurt to do those things.  It is a challenge sometimes, but then again, so is life.

Friday, January 1, 2016

What happened today and what I hope will (continue to) happen

Right now, I am not having any doubts that I can lose weight and I can overcome these thoughts that I can't or have any other bothersome obsessive thought for that matter. The problem with me is I never put forth the effort or at least struggle to put forth the effort to follow my own advice.  Sometimes I forget what to do or I just forget what to write.  I also have issues with concentration and focus.  Interestingly enough, I focus on the wrong things such as what I get obsessed with at the moment, not always "realizing" that it is just fiction, like a movie for example.  I often get afraid of even the smallest things at even the smallest moments.  I like to watch things that are clean and wholesome.  Curse words bother me and now I am questioning myself about action films.  Should I watch them?  I feel that God is changing me little by little by little each day.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I am being renewed.  I guess that is what that means.