Thursday, June 30, 2016

May he rest in peace

Sage Stallone was a beautiful man who never got the chance to live a fuller life.  That is just my observation.  I have read and been told only good things about him.  I can't recall reading anyone mention online anything negative about him.  Apparently, he was "saintly" compared to most people. However, it seems that I have yet to accept my obsession with him.  I wish I had met him.  I thought it was a crush, but it will never me.  His death is a sad reminder to most that one will never truly know the end of their lives and how they will die.  It is so sad that he has lived a short life and that I will never get to meet him or even know him.  May he rest in peace.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

PM Dawn - Looking Through Patient Eyes-Lyrics



Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you
I have a love for you that nothing hides
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you
I hope you look at me through patient eyes

I've become amused, I've become blind
I've become what I know not breathes
You seem illiterate to all my emotions
I stand corrected, how well you read

You speak the truth, you speak the me
You feel the love I have yet to find
I know it's there, I know it's there
But I let the sandcastles kill my mind

Pathetic me, I long to be you
I think I'm close but I stand so far
The turbulent one sheds a turbulent tear
I miss the love only 'cause they starve

Oil and water, lust and sympathy
Are life and death my way through the sun?
Where originates all the pain that leaves
My memory a traumatic sponge and sings to you

Well, define my love with attitude
Open up your mind and it will sing to you
You can always tell but I know remorse so well
I left reality early due to the lack of love, reason

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you
I have a love for you that nothing hides
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you
I hope you look at me through patient eyes

The channel, a professional liar
How I long to contradict those vibes
Joni, help me, I think I'm falling
It's not for love and I quest the why

I don't know, if I'm right, I'm right
But if I'm wrong, then show me I'm wrong
The fear of pity is always awake
But infinite sympathy is completely gone

It's the windows, the doors
The passage ways to the truth
Oh, my God, it echoes the mind
In total recall as wild as the deuce

It's so deceiving is the clouded heart
So superficial is the open wound
I caress the infinite light
That even at night overshadows the moon
That sings to you

Well, define my love that lives within you
Even when I die, it will sing to you
You can only tell if remorse has done you well
The misconstrued my answers
Thanks to the lack of love, reason

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you
I seek the sympathy and I can't lie
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you
I hope you look at me through patient eyes

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you
I seek the sympathy and I can't lie
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you
I hope you look at me through patient eyes

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you
I seek the sympathy and I can't lie
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you
I hope you look at me through patient eyes

Monday, June 27, 2016

The nature of my past and present OCD thoughts

I remember when I was obsessed with professional wrestling.  It was quite frustrating to say the least. It was like a movie that played over and over and over again.  It wasn't the kind of movie that I wanted to see.  Obsessive thoughts can be and at times are scary.  I realize that while there is really nothing to fear, it is hard to be convincing otherwise.  If I can overcome my pro-wrestling obsession, then I can overcome my other obsessions, such as infidelity.  I cannot write out my thoughts, which would cause me even more fears.  Everything is a trigger.  Therefore, everything is an obsession. However, the obsessions, though not even the fears are the worst thing about OCD.  Breaking the cycle is the worst thing about having OCD.  I have learned that no amount of writing and being specific has cured the OCD.  So, what will?

Sunday, June 26, 2016

19 Signs You Are Obsessed With Your Crush

19 Signs You Are Obsessed With Your Crush
by Charlotte Green
March 25, 2013

1. Every time someone mentions their name — even if you have no idea what they are talking about — your ears perk up and you immediately tune out whoever you’re listening to to eavesdrop on that conversation.

2. You have, at least once, wrote your name out as it would look if you were married. You were then overwhelmed with shame, and destroyed all evidence.

3. Any time you go out with someone else on a date or to a social event, you can’t stop thinking about how much better it would be if you were there with your crush.

4. Literally everything they do is attractive, and interested, and makes you like them more. They could probably commit first degree murder and you would forgive them after a few minutes of serious reflection.

5. You are constantly tortured with the uncertainty over whether or not they ever think of you, and are pretty certain they are not even aware of your existence.

6. You have saved a few choice photos off of their Facebook for… research purposes.

7. All of your friends roll their eyes and sigh semi-audibly when they hear that you are bringing up your crush yet again.

Full article here...

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Re-post about exercise and music

Exercise and music
Exercise and music are what make the world go around; at least for me it does.  I feel so much better. I still have a long way to go.  My thoughts have lessened for the most part.  I am so happy and more content.  If only I have dieted and exercised before.  I realized that I want, need, and desire to lose weight, but for me and no one else.  I want to prove the naysayers wrong and myself right.  I am okay and I will continue to be okay.  Like I said (okay to paraphrase), exercise and music have made MY world go 'round.  I am so happy and no longer irritated for now.

Monday, June 20, 2016

"Flaws" by Kierra Sheard



"Flaws"

Sometimes I talk a little too much 
Don't listen enough
Sometimes it's way too easy for me to beat myself up
Sometimes I hate the way I look when I look in the mirror
One look from you I know

My flaws
You love, you love my flaws
Think they make me beautiful
You don't see them as flaws at all
That's why 
That's why, that's why I love you
Cause you are, you are the one who
The one who loves my flaws

Sometimes I get a little unsure
A lot insecure
Sometimes I know I might say some words
That might cause some hurt
Sometimes I get in my own way
I'm way too much to put up with
But you put up with it all

My flaws
You love, you love my flaws
Think they make me beautiful
You don't see them as flaws at all
That's why 
That's why, that's why I love you
Cause you are, you are the one who
The one who loves my flaws

You think I'm everything when I think I'm nothing
When I hate myself you still love me 
Love me and 

My flaws
You love, you love my flaws
Think they make me beautiful
You don't see them as flaws at all

Oh God
You love, you love my flaws
Think they make me beautiful
You don't see them as flaws at all
That's why 
That's why, that's why I love you
Cause I love, I love the one who
The one who loves my flaws

My flaws
You love, you love my flaws

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Trying to do what is hard while finally realizing things as they are..

I woke up to Sage Stallone and thinking about him.  I had disturbing thoughts about him.  It wasn't about his real death. It was sad, yes.  This one, however, was so disturbing I literally cried my eyes out.  Mysteriously, I believe God was there.  It was as if God brought me to a realization or two starting this morning.  Following His word and prayer have become the answers.  Realizing that I have to fight an uphill battle includes overcoming the powerless thoughts and feelings that I have had.  I have to also realize that I am not the only suffering person in the world.  I also have to see that there are people who are suffering much greater than I am.  I had thoughts that not only cause annoyance but caused confusion.  It was as if I was drawn to whatever would give me assurance.  The other decision was to do something else.  I decided to do something else. The confusions and the "decision making" was about what to do that will feed obsessive thoughts by "exposing" myself to them.  It would be a worse decision than realizing that there are more important things in the world, like acceptance.  Acceptance and doing what else is hard like not reacting to the thought, but to let it pass.  I hope to truly accept that I have obsessive thoughts.  If I were to accept this, then I guess the annoyance and the compulsions would lessen.  So far, I am doing okay.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Guidance by the obsessive thoughts

I realize that I seem to have lived by my thoughts.  My thoughts have guided me into all things.  I have allowed this to happen.  I have now become annoyed to do these deeds.  I hope to never deal with all of those negative things that I have dealt with.  My hope and prayer is that I should not have to be guided and allow myself to live by what my mind says.  I have allowed my OCD to guide me. It has almost been second nature, which in itself is quite scary.  How does acceptance work?  How do I accept having OCD?  How do I finally cope?  That is the hardest part of it all.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Rest in peace, Gypsy Joe


The truth is, I have never seen much of Gypsy Joe.  All I can say is that death is a gateway in the "game" of life.  He did live a long life especially considering what his occupation is.  I only know of him because of his old match with New Jack.  It was disturbing to watch, well whatever I could watch.  I know it isn't real but he seemed like a pretty tough guy to take all of those licks.  I should have watched more of his matches I guess, but the truth is, I have lost interest in pro-wrestling, for the most part.  I do get to watch  Raw and Smackdown, but that is mostly it.  I would like to renew my interest and expand it again.  May Gypsy Joe rest in peace.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Realization and doing what is hard

I realize that there is no excuse for really anything.  No matter what, I realize that despite my being able-bodied and able-minded, I will not make any such excuses.  I will have to push myself even if my desire is to give up.  I cannot and will not give up.  I realize that patience is something that I have gotten better at, but it hasn't always been easy.  It will never be a free or easy ride.  Even ease and freedom has its price.  I guess what I am saying is that there is nothing free but nothing ventured, nothing gain.  That is what will happen with my thoughts and what has and will continue to happen with losing weight.  I have been doing better on both fronts and will continue to do better, no matter how hard things have been and will be.  I wish that overcoming obsessive thoughts and doubts about my weight are not just something that never existed but I have to be realistic.  They do and in order to accomplish something, I will have to see things for what they really truly are.  I will have to do what is hardest and that is accept even the littlest truth.  Maybe that is the hardest thing of all.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Reflection of Muhammad Ali

Today is a day that we honor a great champion.  Sadly, I never got to see any of his matches.  I guess it was because of my youth.  Okay, maybe my youth. lol.  I realize that I can watch this on Youtube now, but I wonder if it is the same.  I didn't realize why people thought he was the greatest.  Sadly, I now know that he truly was, maybe as a boxer, but as a human being.

 Muhammad Ali v George Foreman


 Muhammad Ali v. Larry Holmes


 Muhammad Ali v. Joe Frazier



Thursday, June 9, 2016

The Lord and my having OCD

I wish that sometimes I never had OCD.  It can be a rough condition to deal with.  I realize that there was one thing about being a Christian with OCD.  I have grown closer and more dependent on the Lord.  God has been good to me.  I thank You for all that He has helped me deal with.  I had no idea that God has been there with me in this time.  I thank the Lord.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Exercise and music

Exercise and music are what make the world go around; at least for me it does.  I feel so much better. I still have a long way to go.  My thoughts have lessened for the most part.  I am so happy and more content.  If only I have dieted and exercised before.  I realized that I want, need, and desire to lose weight, but for me and no one else.  I want to prove the naysayers wrong and myself right.  I am okay and I will continue to be okay.  Like I said (okay to paraphrase), exercise and music have made MY world go 'round.  I am so happy and no longer irritated for now.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Being holy and the virtue of holiness

Holiness is something that is not just important, but mandatory.  Holy people are an obedient, set apart for God, type of people.  Holy people are the sheep who know the truth.  They recognize Jesus, for He is the true Shepherd among the wolves.  It is a shame that so many so-called sheep will rather follow the wolves.  Sheep believe and know and discern what is false and what is the truth.  Holy people are a salt and light people.  My question is why being holy is lacking in virtue?  I believe that it is what is wrong with the world. That is just me.  It took me a while to see that I was not holy, but that is only because, I have not lived a holy life.  Be different.  There is just nothing wrong with being different, even in a "normal" world.  It is normal that is crazy, not ones who are different and set apart.  Being yourself can be and is a virtue, no matter how different one is.  Taking a stand for what is right and what is true is the essence of holiness.  Why? Because obedient has its awards.  Patience and strength and integrity are most definitely virtues.  Love the Lord with everything you have, mind, body, strength, and soul.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Today's reflection

There are times when you want to fights.  However, there are other times where a thought is about to be let go.  Personally, the best fight is no fighting at all, especially when it comes to obsessive thoughts.  I often have thoughts about fictional characters.  Last night, I was watching a rather strange film about a woman who ends up losing it.  It is a shame since her husband has died towards the end of it.  I allowed myself to feel the anxiety.  It was okay.  Right now, I am anxious typing this.  I would like for the anxiety to pass due to what I am writing right now.  Actually I am pretty anxious right now. I realize that the imagery is scarier to me compared to the actual thought.  I wish the whole disorder would just pass.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Intrusive Thoughts: The Intruders You Want to Kick Out.

Intrusive Thoughts: The Intruders You Want to Kick Out.
from Martin N. Seif, Ph.d.

Every highly anxious person has to cope with intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are frightening thoughts about what might happen to you or someone you care about, or what you might do to yourself or another person. They seem to come from outside of your control, and their content feels alien and threatening.

For some people, intrusive thoughts are part and parcel of panic or intense anxiety. In these types of intrusive thoughts, it feels like the thoughts come about as a result of the anxiety, and they function to add more fear to the anxiety you are already experiencing. The intrusive thoughts keep the anxiety going, and maintain the fear-producing spiral. So, for example, you might think, "what if I have a heart attack?" in the midst of an anxiety attack. You are already in the altered state of consciousness that I call anxious thinking, and your thoughts feel likely to happen.

However, there is another class of intrusive thoughts that I call intrusive obsessive thoughts. These thoughts seem to come from out of nowhere, arrive with a distressing whoosh, and cause a great deal of anxiety. The content of intrusive obsessive thoughts almost always focus on sexual or violent images. Here are typical examples of intrusive obsessive thoughts: "Killing someone. Torturing a pet animal. Stabbing a child. Throwing someone (or yourself) out of a window. Jumping onto a train track as the train comes into the station. Molesting a child. Raping someone. Taking off your clothes in public." This is not a complete list, but it gives you a good feeling of the content of these thoughts.
People who experience intrusive obsessive thoughts are afraid that they might commit the acts they picture in their mind. They might imagine hurting someone or committing an act of sexual violation. Intrusive obsessive thoughts can be very explicit, and most people are embarrassed and frightened of them.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Learning more and more about having these thoughts

There are no excuses that I will make.  I need clarity in my life.  I am learning more and more about having obsessive thoughts.  Reasoning with them and fighting them do not work.  Crying over them do not work though a good cry can and is helpful.  I remember the good cries that I had.  Having obsessive thoughts is hard.  It can be so debilitating to the point that one's world gets smaller and smaller.  That has been and in some cases, still is, what has gone on in  my life.    I guess that I have to keep on fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting.  The computer ironically has made the obsessions worse because it has helped, or rather hurt, me in terms of feeding my thoughts. Performing compulsions are even harder and more frustrating to deal with.  They do much to help feed those exceptions because they only provide temporary relief.  In fact, as I am writing in this journal I have come to realize that the internet has ironically been my shield from all of those negative and annoying thoughts.  Now I realize that it is time to lay off of the internet for a while, which will be even harder to do, but it will be worth it.