Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Daily Schedule 5/14/14

Daily 5/14/14

1. Get up                                        
2. Meditate                                     
3. Pray
4. Watch tv
5. Breakfast
   * Nature Valley Bar
   * Fruit
   * Coffee
   * Water
7. Test Blood Sugar
8.Pray and listen to music
9.Browse online
      * lettuce
      * tomato
      * ranch-bacon pasta salad
      * water
11 Medication
12 Listen to the Radio and positive thinking
13 Nap
14 Watch TV and listen to music
15 Snack
     * corn flakes
17 Watch TV
16 Snack
    * hash browns
    * sausage patty
18 Watch  TV
19 Blogs and Browsing
20 Evening
     * lettuce
      * tomato
      * ranch-bacon pasta salad
      * water
21 Medication
22 Test Blood Sugar
23 Blogs and Browsing
24 Snack
     * Wheat toast
     * Jelly
25 Exercise
26 Pray and read the bible
27 Meditation and Affirmation
28 Pray
28 Go To bed

Daily Schedule 5/13/14

1. Wake up in the morning.            4:30 AM
2. Get dressed                               4:30-5:00 AM
3. Clean up room and feeding cat   5:00-5:10 AM
4. Pray                                          5:10-5:30 AM
5. Use the computer                      5:30-6:00 AM
6. Finished get dressed                  6:00-6:30 AM
7. Wait and go to appt.                  6:30-8:15 AM
     * ham and cheese biscuit
     * water
8. Arrival to appt.                          8:10 AM
9. Appointment                              8:15-9:00 AM
10. Wait                                        9:00-10:30 AM
11. Go and arrive home                 10:30-11:05 AM
12. Change clothes                        11:05-11:15 AM
13. Go on computer                      11:15-11:30 AM
14. Lunch                                      11:30 AM-12:30 PM
      * lettuce
      * tomato
      * ranch-bacon pasta salad
      * water
15. Go on computer                       12:30-2:00 PM
16. Watch tv and listen to music      2:00-3:00 PM
17. Snack
        *peanut butter crackers             3:00-4:00 PM
18. TV                                            3:00-5:00 PM
19. Blogs and browse                      5:00-6:00 PM
20. Evening
     * lettuce
      * tomato
      * ranch-bacon pasta salad
      * water
21.  Pray and listen to music.            6:00-6:30 PM
22.  Browse and TV                        6:30-7:30 PM
23.  Prayer and scripture                  7:30-8:00 PM
24.  Exercise                                    8:00-8:30 PM
25.  Browse and TV                        9:00-9:50 PM
26. Get ready to go to bed               9:50-10:10 PM
27. Prayer and meditation                10:10- 10:20 PM
28. Affirmation and positive thought  10:20-10:30 PM
29. Go to bed...                                10:30 PM through the day

I have other thoughts...

I have other thoughts that I did not write down yesterday.  This morning I was to give a rating on which ones are most important.  In other words, the ones with the greatest importance are my belief in Jesus Christ, my weight, and how to deal with others.  I also have to write down three things I need to do to address the specific thoughts about those three areas in which the priority is highest.

1.  Celebrities
    I have crushes, yes, but I also have times when I tend to link up the celebrity to another person who is either a friend or relative.  I am afraid of the very fact that I tend to be obsessed with those who are a link to a celebrity, like CO.  I have had a crush on MR, who is CO's ex-husband.  Her book was published in 2011 yet I have no interest in reading it.  The only reason that I read up on it is because of the obsession that I had with MR.  I have learned to embrace it and overcame my issues with crushes and obsessions.  I fear that other people's views about CO or anyone will personally affect me to the point where I hate and despise that very celebrity.  The truth is, I may not agree or like what a celebrity does, but it is my life.  How do I keep it from bothering me?

2.  Sexual obsessions and compulsions
     I obsess about sex acts and even performing them.  These thoughts like the celebrity worship provide temporary relief from the usual boring day.  However, I have my own opinions of sex and sexuality.  I am sheltered so my views about sex are either strange, taboo, or even conservative.  I believe in a conservative view that sexual desire should be between a man and woman who are married to one another.  I am bothered by any sexual deviation yet I find myself drawn to it.  I watch sexually explicit material and read stories about them.  I realize that I need help.  I am not so sure what I am afraid of, but I believe that I am afraid of never being able to repent of my sexual issues.

3. What is sexy vs what is degrading
     What is going on in the world?  What is going on with me?  I find that much of what I see in the media disturbing not because of my gender, but because of my faith.  I also find the double standard just as wrong.  I am afraid that the opinions of others will influence how I am feeling.  I am afraid that I will never have a mind of my own and that I have a persona that matches those of the OCD.

4.  Male vs the Female Dynamic
     I am afraid that males and females would end up being in great enmity.  I fear that men and women hate one another not just because of the Bible and enmity, but because of other factors.  I have this fear that many women my age have irredeemable qualities.  I also fear that many men within my age group are the same.  I have little faith in humanity and I feel that some men are disrespectful towards women.  But some women are mean, manipulative, and not as smart as they claim.  I believe that revenge should not be served at all, whether online or what not.  It is so sad what is going on in the world.  I find it sick and it is sad that some people think hurting each other is okay.

5.  Identity
     I am afraid that I will never be my own person.  I have my likes and dislikes.  I do wonder if I am thinking the same way others think, feel, or do.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Obsessions, compulsions, and what I fear most

I do have obsessive thoughts about a lot of things, namely religion, race and racism, infidelity, my weight, budgeting, and other people, namely celebrities.  It is a lot to handle but by the grace of God, I can handle it. Having OCD can be stressful with all of the worrisome thoughts, compulsions, and sometimes physical, mental, and emotional changes.  I have had this condition most of my life and I sometimes wonder how things would have turned out in the present had I known that I had this condition.

It has made me question so much in my life.  Am I brave or strong?  Why?  How many?  What if?   However, maybe the most important question I can think of is what am I fear the most with these thoughts.  I will write down over the years what I have obsessions about and what I truly fear the most.

1. Being a believer in Christ
    As a result of my obsessive thoughts, I have prayed to receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior many times. Despite all of that, I still have doubts about being saved.  My biggest fear is that because of my doubts and my thoughts about being saved or rather, lost, I will spend an eternity in Hell and have my part in the Lake of Fire.  I am concerned that I will be left behind never for Jesus Christ to return.  I will live in regret because I have failed to be ready because I didn't always live for and serve the Lord.

2. Race and racism
    I have obsessive thoughts about race and racism.  My biggest fear is that there is a lot of racism in that country, that people are racists against especially black people, and that it is hard for a black person to live in that country.  I ask others who live in that country those questions and any answers that match up to what I fear is bothersome to me and it makes me angry that some groups have it harder than others.  I wondered about that I too may have a racial bias and that I deep down have a racial fear or bias towards others.

3. Budgeting
    I tend to budget and over budget.  My goal is to save money but the problem is it never comes to fruition. I spend a lot of money on other things and I just have a hard time saving money, no matter how hard I try.  I obsessively create budgets that I never end up following.    My biggest fear is that I will never have enough because other more important needs will never be met because my balance will be negative.  I feel like I wonder if I could even buy important things on a budget and I go to websites to help me budget no matter how hard I try.

4. Being overweight.
    This is different from the rest.  I am overweight and I am a diabetic so I am not sure if there is something obsessive or compulsion about my weight issues.  On the other hand, some of my habits do follow an obsessive pattern and I do have a major fear or two.  I fear eating too much and actually gaining so much weight my health problems will worsen.  It doesn't seem to be a big fear but I have been heavy most of my life and now I am even heavier.  I am stressed out because even though I have lost weight, I gained nearly all of it back and now I am starting all over again.  I don't wish to weigh anymore than I have now and I feel like giving up even when I was in a weight loss plateau.  I failed to realize that a plateau is an indication that I am doing something right and that I need to change my routine a bit.  I also fear continuing to binge on food and drink.  In other words, I sometimes eat mindlessly and my eating is out of control.

5. How to deal with other people.
    Let's face it.  I don't how to deal with other people.  It is to the point where I am afraid of others and what they would or could do to me.  I even feel that way with those who are related to me even though nothing has happened.  I tend to walk on eggshells with most people, so I am not comfortable with being around most people.  It ties in with the thoughts about race and racism as I would like for racism to end and for others to like me and my race.  I fear that I will never be a strong person, that I am actually weak, stupid, and ineffectual.  My biggest fear is that will be hard to change or rather, never really change and that I will never overcome this issue because I am so weak and lack an identity of my own.

6. Infidelity.
    That is my biggest one.  I have strong opinions about infidelity and I am not so sure what it is that I am afraid of outside of the triggers that I have.  Anything can be a trigger such as a tv show, a movie, or a book. Even certain words, phrases, and pictures come to mind.  My thoughts involve women, namely wives having numerous affairs with numerous men because they care nothing about good husbands who love them because they have no respect for them.  The compulsion is for these wives to suffer and suffer greatly and that would give me relief.  I often have dreams about what ails me mentally.  It causes me distress especially if I am trying to sleep.  I believe that my greatest fears are divorce, hatred, murder, paternity issues, and hearing words or phrases, or seeing things that could trigger new thoughts.  I have often wondered in the past why I have these thoughts.  However, I have come to realize that it no longer matters.  I will never know which makes me uncertain which in turn makes me still wonder about things.  I don't like uncertainty.

7. Celebrity worship.
    I have crushes on celebrities.  I am ashamed of them and don't embrace them.  Deep down, I am sheltered and I wonder if that is why I have crushes on them, whether or not they are dead or alive.  There is an advantage to having a crush and that is it takes away from the unhappiness of having OCD and living in a a fantasy world.  Right now, I am crushing on a guy and I no longer hate the word crush.  Deep down in the recesses of my mind, the issue is that it was triggered because I was not accepted and ridiculed by others.  I wasn't the popular girl in school and guys never asked me out.  Having a celebrity crush probably replaced that, but I don't know.  My fantasy world probably shields me from reality though reality would not hold me back yet the fantasy world makes me feel better and more creative.  I obsess about other people and it started from when I was a child.  My biggest fears are that I will get over these crushes for I have yet to embrace them.

8. People feuding.
    I guess this is self-explanatory and ties in to others.  I hate feuding.  I want for everyone to get along.  My biggest fear is that something even worse could happen between two feuding who hate each other.  They will move on in some cases, but they will never truly make peace.  I am also afraid that nothing will be sacred anymore.

How to make a schedule for a day...

How to plan a schedule, from wikihow.com

1. Grab a pen and some paper or a notebook.
2. Start by placing the date on the left hand side, underlined neatly. On the right hand side you will be making times, preferably in digital clock annotations.
3. Grab some scrap paper and make the list of things you need to do for the day.
4. Put these activities in order of importance.
5. Write down the time you want to wake up in the margin.
6. Write down how you get ready, on different lines for example:
00- Wake up
02- Make bed
7. Move to the next things. Now you've written down everything you need to do to get ready, go on to complete your list of things to do, and follow through that with the same pattern.
8. Be balanced. If you have quite a lot of the time on your hands, separate the things you have to do with more playful, fun and indulgent things, so that you have an equal balance of fun and work.
9. Finish with the unwinding events for the day. Eventually you will get down to the end of the day. Here you write down how to get ready for bed. This should be written down exactly the same way that you wrote down the morning method for how to get ready, with relevant changes, for example:
30- Put pajamas on
33- Brush teeth

*** This is a good way to make a schedule.  In my mind, making a schedule seems impossible because I procrastinate too much.  It doesn't help that my attention span is rather short so concentration is a rather big problem.  So, how do I create a schedule that I can follow without making excuses?  How do I rather create one that is realistic so that my needs are met?  What should I add to my schedule?  Should I create more than one schedule or just one schedule for the day?  Hopefully, I won't be so hard on myself.  In order for this to not be a huge undertaking, I have to realize the benefits of scheduling in the first place.