Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Wanting to be brave

There are times when I want to be brave but I have difficulty.  Facing my fears and anxieties is quite hard.  I have grown tired of the fear and the anxiety-avoiding avoidance.  Things will happen in the world.  There is nothing I can do about it.  It is like finding a spider or a roach on a coffee table or a video.  I am cautious but it still makes me fearful.  No spider or roach has really done anything to me yet they scare the crap out of me.  I even see fake ones everywhere.  I guess it is like those thoughts that I tend to have.  I realize that trying to be certain of things can either do one or two things: it can cause me to gain more insight and give me the courage to face my fears or feed my thoughts some more.  With spiders and roaches, all I have to do is to get rid of them.  I wonder how to get rid of those thoughts?  I guess I have to be proactive and keep fighting.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Realizations and "Sunday Morning Rapture"

"Sunday Morning Rapture" is a film that I would recommend.  I thought about that film.  It did have an effect on me.  It was a profound effect.  I refuse to give myself all credit, but this morning, I have come to realize that I take way too much stock in what I watch, what I eat, or how I should feel.  They are important, but there are things that are more important and matters that are more weightier.  I have come to see that there are people who do wrong or bad things, but that does not mean that they are unforgivable or what they did cannot be forgiven.  I need to keep that in mind when another thought comes along.  I have spent so long being afraid.  I don't always see that we are all being watched.  With God, we have no privacy.  It is as if He is looking at us through a lens, His lens.  I have to also keep in mind that this world is temporary and that we all will be judged, as I am also not immune.  I know OCD is a condition but I still have to take responsibility for how I live my life.  I don't want to be afraid or anxious or shy anymore.  I want to change and go outside. I want to do new things and meet new people.  I have been cooped up for too long.

Monday, September 28, 2015

"Roar" by Katy Perry



I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I've had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus:]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar

Now I'm floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I've had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus:]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You're gonna hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You'll hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...

Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You're gonna hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You'll hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Imagining myself as free from these thoughts.

I can barely imagine my life without these thoughts.  For a while that is quite scary.  I realize that my life had its share of ups and down, I wished that I could go back.  However, that is impossible.  I don't want to go back now.  The good thing about have these thoughts is about being wiser as one grows older.  I have just realized that life is just too short to worry.  I have also realized that I am worrying over nothing due to my anxiety.  It is interesting that the Bible says be anxious for nothing.  I guess it means that whatever the reason or whatever the need, we can present our requests to the Lord.  For me, being free of anxiety is very, very hard.  I have to remember that greater is He who is in me that who is in the world.  If only I have learned this lesson earlier.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Managing my thoughts

The sobering news has not been lost on me.  I will feel better, if I didn't have this cold.  I guess keeping busy and making a busy schedule does not work.  However I have to learn to manage my goals, for they are in the back of my mind.  If they are still in the back of my mind, then I have not fully managed it.  I have not "forgotten" it.  I have to keep busy and also learn to face my fears.  I have to see the episodes that scare me. I have to know if I am not going crazy.  I am glad to say that I am doing a better job managing my thoughts but managing those thoughts can be crazy at times.  Thoughts arriving suddenly are the most annoying part. I often wish that these thoughts would just go away and never come back.  That would be a great day for me to have.  I would like a day without having obsessive thoughts.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Sobering news....

I wish I could have thought on the things of God today.  The truth is, the problem wasn't with obsessive thoughts, but with reality.  Mentally I have not dealt with the worse case scenario in my head.  Mentally, I had to deal with the reality that my health could worsen.  As an OCD sufferer, I have to ask myself a rather silly question sometimes.  Which is worse, the worst case scenario that will probably never happen but the mind says so or the hope that I have for the real worse case scenarios?  It seems like a silly question, but to me both of them are scary.  I didn't have a health scare.  I got a wake up call.  It was sobering to say the least.  My goal is to live everyday like it is the last day of my life because anything could happen on any day.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Why oh why?

Is it normal to want to obsess about another subject? I hate having obsessive thoughts about television, infidelity, paternity tests, and divorce, and someone getting caught in adultery and fornication. This is true especially in movies and television. I wish I wasn't so obsessed with entertainment choices and unfaithfulness. Why couldn't I be obsessed over something even more mundane, like dolls or numbers? Or is this type of thinking abnormal because I wonder if every form of obsessive compulsive disorder is sometimes hard to deal with?

Sunday, September 20, 2015

How I really feel about Award shows

I hate award shows.  I have anxiety about seeing folks getting humiliated.  I fear that something bad like that happens.  I know that it is a rare occurrence, but sometimes even the rarest of occurrences still happen.  I realize that rare means that it doesn't happen very often, but this is OCD I am writing about.  I worry about the rare.  I tend to think on the rare.  I tend to mull over the worst case scenario. Sometimes I wonder if it does happen and why would someone do that.  It is like I have the world on my shoulders.  That has to be the most frustrating part.  What is so strange about these shows is that I don't watch most of them.  I heard about them and I try to watch them, but I just can't and I don't.  I have only watched one episode of "Hawaii 5-0" and while it was a good episode,  I never saw it again.  "Blue Bloods" looks to be a good show, but I have only watched bits and pieces of it.  I know of it because of reruns and because it plays in the house much of the week.  It is just another case of not always knowing how to deal with fiction.  I even have thoughts sometimes about scary, vicious, and disturbing scenes and I cannot get them out of my head.  The best thing I can go is not to think on those things, but on the things of God.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

The real issue is anxiety

Today as I was watching television I have come to realize that the problem is not fear but purely anxiety.  I am anxious as to what will happen.  I feel like a little kid who is not to just grow up or to learn things.  I am not fearful, but the anxiety and the doubt is what are really the problems.  I would like to overcome this but I don't know how.  I would also like to stop all of the doubting and the second guessing, but that is even harder to overcome.  I wish I knew where to begin.  But I have to realize that in the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to be anxious about.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Things I need to question myself about.

Since I started writing, I am feeling better, much much better.  I am more settled.  I have come to realize that I place way too much importance on those thoughts.  Taking "two steps back" means to make a rather quick assessment of each thought.  I don't know of a thought where they are of value or will matter in the grand scheme of things.  To me, if they did, then it will make things worse, or at least it would seem.  This way, I can finally "see for myself" what is real and what is exaggerated.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Thinking on the things of God

I have come to realize that...fiction is not real.  It is not true.  I am to live holy, which includes thinking on what it is true, or at least setting my mind to the truth.  In a world full of lies and a lack of repentance, sometimes it seems hard.  However, a Christian is supposed to think on God's Word.  All I had to do was to do what His Word says.  It provides the answers that I so seek.  I finally come to see that Keeping it simple is just that: the simplicity of God's Word.  I have to see that the shows, movies, and books often portray lies and falsehoods.  I am supposed to set my mind on God's Word and live accordingly.  Having and dealing with obsessive thoughts are those things that , with thinking on the things of God,  can be overcome.  Lord, give me guidance and understanding.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

I was sad today, but all is well.

Today, I have finally learned about myself.  I have the insight but not the wisdom.  I needed to know what is really wrong with me.  I was so sad today because of the thoughts I had.  I couldn't just ignore them as they were hard to ignore.  With a little prayer, my frown became a smile.  I kept busy, so they went away.  I realize now that they are not true and the chances are they won't come true.  They are exaggerations in real life and that I have nothing to worry about.  They were more personal to me than the infidelity thoughts.  I never cheated, but I have had my feelings hurt, and I get obsessed about race.  I hate having these obsessions but I finally realize that with a bit of mindfulness, prayer, and being busy, I will be okay.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Re-post from 9/11

Lately what I have doing is keeping busy, except for a few instances.  I want to know about infidelity. However, I don't want to waste my time because of my "curiosity".  It is about knowing fact from fiction.  Maybe writing fan fiction would help me.  Maybe not.  I find fan fiction interesting yet it seems so..I don't know.  But who am I?  I never wrote any fan fiction before.  Even if I did, would this help me with my thoughts?  Would this make my thoughts worse?  Would they help me to differentiate between what is real and what isn't in my head?  That is the problem I have.  I learn to appreciate a lot of things more such as the value of faithfulness and value of communication.  I get that I am not married, but if I were, I would love to be faithful to my future husband and not be shy about telling him the truth about anything.  I have never been married but ironically these thoughts have not scared me from doing a search for a relationship and praying for a husband.  I have thought at times what it will be like to have both a husband and children and also make that a Christian one.  I have had thoughts about this and they have given me comfort.  They have lessened my curiosity and finally it has taught me that I need to be more prayerful and think on things that are true, pure, honest, just, lovely, and of a good report.  If only I had thought about this sooner.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Having and dealing with OCD

I am a flawed person who has had obsessive compulsive disorder most of my life.  I realize that this blog is called "Homework Assignment", but this is a journal about dealing with OCD.  I don't like having this disorder.  Strangely enough, it has become a blessing in disguise.  I have gotten closer to the Lord.  I have a deeper understanding of life in general because of my growing faith.  I am okay now, at least now.  I was bored listening to the same songs over and over again.  I was just bored and I just started to pray.  I finally took time with God and poured out whatever ails me.  I had issues that were emotional as well.  I was filled with resentment, bitterness, and anger.  Fear and anxiety are two other issues that have been a part of my life.  In fact, I have had OCD most of my life.  I felt like others in the world didn't care about me or how I felt.  That was why I had all of those negative thoughts.  I no longer have them.  I have come to realize that confession is definitely good for the soul.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Pray by Cece Winans



I know that you think you can't pray after that mistake
but I know it's the only way you can make it better
And I know situations get too much for you to take
and you feel like you're gone break and it makes you say

[Chorus]
I can't take it
When will things get better?
I'm so frustrated, but it's gonna be okay cause
you've got someone in your corner
Who's gonna be there for ya
Just fall on your knees, say a prayer and receive

When the world feels like it's on your shoulders (I pray, you pray, we pray)
When your life seems like its upside down (I pray, you pray, we pray)
When your lonely nights are getting colder (I pray, you pray, we pray)
I pray, you pray no matter how dark the day

I know you think you've gone too far and you waited too late
But I know that He loves you and there's no love greater so
And I know that it's hurting and you want your pain to end
And you feel like you can't win and it makes you say

[Chorus]

Our Father which art in heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
All you gotta do is say

Saturday, September 12, 2015

"Mercury Rising"

I want to know about "Mercury Rising", the film with Bruce Willis.  I rather not get into the plot, but it looked to be an interesting movie.  Entertainment is one of my pet peeves.  It finally dawned on me. Maybe I should just deal with it.  OCD is about doubts and about anxiety.  How do I break the cycle of doubt and anxiety?  I have decided not to think on things that are negative.  I realize that a movie and the plot cannot take over my mind like that.  I have been left frustrated as a result.  I have allowed that frustration to become an "idol" sort of speak.  Why fictional works?  Why do they bother me so?  Maybe they shouldn't matter, but maybe they do and I will never know.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Binge problems

I realize I have a binge eating problem,  Alright, I also realize that I need to lose weight.  I am not proud of what I have done this morning.  Binge eating is a serious problem and one of the only solutions that I have is the fact that tend to binge when it comes to obsessive thoughts.  Over time it gets less annoying and more manageable.  It should bother me but it doesn't.  I mean, I watch movies only to see it or read the full summary before I watch so that I would know what to expect.  I have done that a lot over the years.  It doesn't help that I was quite impatient and still am.  I want to know everything.  I have tried before but it has not been easy to stop.  I wish I could do it cold turkey.  I wish I could have done so today.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Binge eating problem

I feel so alone.  I binge not because of loneliness, but because of anxiety and because I just love food. The truth is, I do have an anxiety issue and I do have a binge issue.  I am just tired.  I realize that this is not an ocd musing, but I feel like I have to talk about this.  I need help and I have gained weight as a result.  I wish that losing weight was easier for me.  I feel like I will never lose it.  I have all begun but to give up.  I don't want to, but as a diabetic I cannot afford to.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Fictionall infidelity

This morning, I did not even break the cycle of OCD as I have performed online "research" into reading up on characters from television shows that I normally don't watch.  The shows were "House:MD" and "CSI Miami".  Maybe I shouldn't say don't watch, but no longer usually watch.  I also had thoughts about sudden thoughts about a movie about a wife who was killed along with her children because she slept with the entire town.  My guess it was because she did it out of revenge. The husband also seduced other men's wives,  Plus, he was quite a mean person to do that.  She was planning on leaving him.  The movie is called "Cold Creek Manor".  It was an okay film despite the misogyny in it.  The message is that all women cheat despite the fact that according to some statistics, most women are faithful.  I realized that God's Word says that adultery was a sin, but so is murder.No one has a right to kill their spouse, adulterous or not.  I now had to realize that.  It is a shame that it took me this long to realize that, but a lot of men and women kill, embarrass, and do other things to cheating spouses.  Whatever happened to divorce and letting them go?  Oh well, what would I know?

Monday, September 7, 2015

Breaking the cycle of OCD

I have learned that it can be hard to break the cycle of OCD.  To me, at least.  That is the hardest part. First, I have to realize and have the confidence that I can break the cycle of OCD.  I can deal with the thoughts and even the compulsions though they can be annoying.  I realize that if I can remove the doubt, then I can be set free from the obsessions and compulsions.  I would love for the thoughts to be like water on a duck's back.  However that has yet to happen.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

It will be a challenge, but I realize that even challenges can be overcome...

From anxiety coach:

Whatever you do, here are three key guidelines. Your efforts to overcome OCD should follow these guidelines.

Your recovery work should emphasize taking an accepting stance toward the thoughts. You don't have to accept the apparent meaning of the thoughts, just the fact that you have them. The only real meaning behind obsessive thoughts is that you're nervous, and you already knew that.

Your recovery work should emphasize postponing the rituals and resistance. The obsessive thoughts always include the idea that you had better do something about the thoughts, or they'll continue to bother you indefinitely. But this is probably not so. As you get involved in your ordinary activities without going out of your way to bring the thoughts to an end, they will bother you less and less.

Your recovery work should include the practice of regular, scheduled exposure to the obsessive thoughts. This can take the form of written scripts that you read, audio recordings that you listen to, and other forms of routinely working with material that can trigger your obsessive thoughts.

From anxieties.com

Challenge 1:
Be determined to conquer this problem. This is a tough problem to overcome. You really need to spend some time making sure that you're ready and willing to go through short-term suffering for long-term gain. You need determination because you have to take the risk to experiment with behaviors that are totally opposite of what you would tend to do in these situations. You're going to have short-term doubts, and you have to be willing to overcome those short-term doubts and have a kind of faith in this approach.


The second challenge
as you begin is to gain the perspective that your worries are excessive, or irrational. The symptoms that your worries produce are so powerful and so disturbing that you get distracted by them and believe they represent true concerns. I am asking you to begin to practice a new belief, and it is this: when these obsessions occur, the content of the obsessions is irrelevant. It is meaningless, it is purposeless. Your obsessions represent an anxiety problem. The topic of your anxiety is not the issue, even though your anxiety leads you to believe that it is.

This is not an easy task to accomplish when you are dreading that you might pass on deadly germs, kill your own child or cause a terrible accident. Nonetheless, I am asking you to step away from those thoughts, to get perspective on them, and say, "Wait a minute, I have an anxiety disorder. What is an anxiety disorder all about? It's about anxiety, not about this content."

Try not to get into a battle of logic in your head. If you try to convince yourself of how illogical your worries are, you may become very frustrated, because you'll have a hard time being certain about anything. You'll always find a thread of doubt you can follow. So don't get caught in this trap of logic. Instead, keep stepping back mentally and saying, "I need to be addressing my anxiety, not this specific topic".

Your OCD is going to encourage you to do just the opposite. It's going to push you to think this is all about whether you really locked the door. Or it will get you to try to reassure yourself that you did actually make the appropriate decision. Or that you have not contaminated something. You'll work hard to get the right reassurance. And it's totally the wrong thing to be doing... You are falling right into the clutches of OCD. So this is a very important challenge to meet: address your symptoms of anxiety, not your fearful thoughts. Don't be fooled!

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Hallelujah!



Everybody wanna be like you
They want power and praise like you
But see there is no god like our God
There's no one like you
Who gave their life like you?
And who paid our price like you?
See there's only one god that's our God
There's no one like you.
Who can touch like you
Or heal us like you do
We stumble and we stray
'til you always get us through
Who makes all things new
And comes to our rescue
Death, hell and the grave
They could not conquer you
You became just like me
To unlock and set free
This prisoner that was deeply wounded and redeemed
The me I could not see
Everybody wanna be like you
They want power and praise like you
But see there is no god like our God
There's no one like you
Who gave their life like you?
And who paid our price like you?
See there's only one god that's our God
There's no one like you.
Some may worship things
But what joy do they bring?
They try and hide the stains
But can they set us free?
See where would we be
Without Calvary
A king upon a tree?
So the whole world can see
You became just like me
To unlock and set free
This prisoner that was deeply wounded and redeemed
The me I could not see
Everybody wanna be like you
They want power and praise like you
But see there is no god like our God
There's no one like you
Who gave their life like you?
And who paid our price like you?
See there's only one god that's our God
There's no one like you.
Healer, father, savior
Counselor, friend, provider
You was, is and forever
That's why I just wanna be where you are
I'll travel life with you no matter how far
Hey, hey, hey
Became just like me
To unlock and set free
This prisoner that was deeply wounded and redeemed
The me I could not see
Everybody wanna be like you
They want power and praise like you
But see there is no god like our God
There's no one like you
Who gave their life like you?
And who paid our price like you?
See there's only one god that's our God
There's no one like you.
There's no one like you,
There's no one like you,
There's no god like our God
There's no one like you. [8x]

Friday, September 4, 2015

OCD is controlling

OCD has been in control of how I think for so long that it has gotten annoying.  It has decided what I should do or what I should watch.  Infidelity is a sin, no doubt, but is it the only one?  I know nothing about it, so why does it bother me?  All I have are theories and ideas about that.  Some things do cause a lot of anxiety but I guess it no longer matters.  Right now, it is time to do something different and at least try to break the cycle of OCD.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

"Pie Jesu" by Celtic Woman


This song fills my mind with praise and with peace.  Music is one thing that has helped me through those tough times when my anxieties were.  Music is a gift and Celtic Woman have that gift. I wondered if t hat is a gift that I possess.  Maybe it is time to fight for my soul and mind.  Everyday is a fight, but my intention is to win.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

How I am doing today?

Today, I finally unleashed.  I am doing well today.  My hope is that I will continue to do well.  I pray that I will continue to do well.  Life is too short to be wasting time.  I don't want to have just great insight.  I want to live it.  Reasoning things out does not help me in the least.  Looking up stuff is only temporary.  Fighting it makes it worse.  I would like to break the cycle of OCD, which seems impossible to do.  God, help me do what I think is impossible.