Friday, September 30, 2016

Adultery is forgivable

Hosea 3:1-5
The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another man and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

2 So I bought her for fifteen shekels[a] of silver and about a homer and a lethek[b] of barley. 3 Then I told her, “You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will behave the same way toward you.”

4 For the Israelites will live many days without king or prince, without sacrifice or sacred stones, without ephod or household gods. 5 Afterward the Israelites will return and seek the Lord their God and David their king. They will come trembling to the Lord and to his blessings in the last days.

John 8:3-11
3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

11 “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

*** I have read through these virgins time and time and time again.  I have come to realize that even those who have committed the grievous sin of adultery can be forgiven.  I find that adultery is about a selfish, hurtful, act or acts which are dishonest and show a lack of regard.  I realize that this is true that I have become a hypocrite.  I can not and will not excuse infidelity.  However, my views are and have been filled with hypocrisy.  I had to struggle with those views and I still do struggle with those views.  I still struggle with fears.  Much of all, I have struggles with negative images and my own infidelity.  You see, I have cheated on The Lord, The Great I AM.  I am not a bad person, but cheating is not a good thing, thus making me a not so good person.  I realize that and I have to accept that I have OCD and will probably perform compulsions and hopefully one day will not be annoyed with those thought, images, and views.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

I'm On My Way by Take 6



I'm on my way to Canaan land
I'm on my way to Canaan land
I'm on my way to the Canaan land
I'm on my way to Canaan land
I'm on my way

If my mother don't go I'll journey on
If she don't go I'll journey on
If my father don't go I'll journey on
If he don't go I'll journey on
(And on)

I'm on my way to Canaan land
I'm on my way
(On my way)
To Canaan land
(Lord)

I'm on my way to the Canaan land
I'm on my way to Canaan land
I'm on my way

If you don't go to the Canaan land
Don't hinder me
(I just gotta make it in)
I'm on my way

I'm on my way to the Canaan land

I'm on my way to Canaan land
If you don't go
(Don't hinder me)

I'll journey on
I'm on my way to Canaan land
(Ooh)
If you don't go I'll journey on to Canaan land
I'm on my way

Si tu no vas apartate
Si tu no vas you seguire
Si tu no vas a Canaan
Camino voy

Se voce nao for, saia da frente
Se voce nao for, vou continuar
Se voce nao for a Canaa
Eu vou pra la

If you don't go don't hinder me
If you don't go I'll journey on and on
If you don't go to Canaan land
I'm on my way

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

"Royals" by Lorde as sung by Pentatonix


I've never seen a diamond in the flesh
I cut my teeth on wedding rings in the movies
And I'm not proud of my address,
In a torn-up town, no postcode envy
But every song's like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin' in the bathroom
Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room,
We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams.
But everybody's like Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece.
Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash.
We don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair.
And we'll never be royals (royals).
It don't run in our blood,
That kind of luxe just ain't for us.
We crave a different kind of buzz.
Let me be your ruler (ruler),
You can call me queen Bee
And baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule.
Let me live that fantasy.
My friends and I—we've cracked the code.
We count our dollars on the train to the party.
And everyone who knows us knows that we're fine with this,
We didn't come from money.
But every song's like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin' in the bathroom.
Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room,
We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams.
But everybody's like Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece.
Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash
We don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair
And we'll never be royals (royals).
It don't run in our blood
That kind of luxe just ain't for us.
We crave a different kind of buzz.
Let me be your ruler (ruler),
You can call me queen Bee
And baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule.
Let me live that fantasy.
Ooh ooh oh
We're bigger than we ever dreamed,
And I'm in love with being queen.
Ooh ooh oh
Life is great without a care
We aren't caught up in your love affair.
And we'll never be royals (royals).
It don't run in our blood
That kind of luxe just ain't for us.
We crave a different kind of buzz
Let me be your ruler (ruler),
You can call me queen Bee
And baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule.
Let me live that fantasy.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Prayer is indeed a powerful weapon

Ephesians 6:18
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Philippians 4:4-8
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Matthew 7:7-12
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Revelation 3:20
20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

John 4:21-24
21 “Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22 You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23 Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24 God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

Acts 13:38
“Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.

Psalm 116:4
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Lord, save me!”

Lamentation 3:55-56
55 I called on your name, Lord,
    from the depths of the pit.
56 You heard my plea: “Do not close your ears
    to my cry for relief.”

Joel 2:32
32 And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved;

Matthew 6:5-15
5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7 And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

9 “This, then, is how you should pray:

“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,
    but deliver us from the evil one.’
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Feeling great today

I don't have as many obsessive thought as I once had.  I am doing well.  Writing a journal is about being oneself and being true.  It took me a while to realize this.  I am doing so much better today.  I am sleepy right now, however.  I will be okay.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

10 Journaling Tips to Help You Heal, Grow and Thrive

10 Journaling Tips to Help You Heal, Grow and Thrive
by Loran Hills

Here are 10 tips to get started:
1. Start writing about where you are in your life at this moment.
Describe your living situation, your work, and your relationships. Are you right where you want to be?
2. For five to ten minutes just start writing in a “stream of consciousness.”
Don’t edit your thoughts or feelings and don’t correct your grammar. Don’t censor your thoughts.
3. Start a dialogue with your inner child by writing in your subdominant hand.
Answer with your dominant hand. What issues emerge?
4. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude by maintaining a daily list of things you appreciate, including uplifting quotes.
Keep it in one journal or in a separate section so that you can read through it all at once. When you feel down you can read through it for a boost of gratitude and happiness.
5. Start a journal of self-portraits.
You can take pictures, draw colors or shapes or collage images. Learn to love and accept yourself just the way you are today.
6. Keep a nature diary to connect with the natural world.
The world we live in is a magical and mysterious place. Record the things you notice about the sky, the weather, and the seasons.
7. Maintain a log of successes.
Begin by writing the big ones you remember then regularly jot down small successes that occur during the week. As you pay attention, your list will grow and inspire you.
8. Keep a log or playlist of your favorite songs.
Write about the moods they evoke. When you hear a song that triggers a strong memory, write down how you feel and explore that time and space of your life.
9. If there’s something you are struggling with or an event that’s disturbing you, write about it in the third person.
This will give you distance and provide a new perspective. Write down what you learned about yourself.
10. Develop your intuition.
Write down questions or concerns then take a deep breath and listen for a response from your Higher Self.  Let yourself write automatically. If you don’t get an answer right away, look for signs during the day.
We all have dark days, black moods, and anxious feelings. Use writing in a journal to explore the darkness. You will find your inner light when you do.

From source: TinyBuddha.com

Friday, September 23, 2016

"Harlem," by Langston Hughes (RIP)

What happens to a dream deferred?

      Does it dry up
      like a raisin in the sun?
      Or fester like a sore—
      And then run?
      Does it stink like rotten meat?
      Or crust and sugar over— s
      like a syrupy sweet?

      Maybe it just sags
      like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

I wonder what that means.  I know that there was a play called "A Raisin in the Sun" written by the late Lorraine Hansberry.  It was about a black family who was struggling during the racial climate of the 1960s. It was however debuted in 1959, so my timing is off.  I only watched the film and another modern adaptation.  The family ends up moving, but they have their concerns of course, for they were uncertain.  I believe that it was about being black in America at the time Langston Hughes wrote his poem.  He, James Baldwin, and Richard Wright are excellent writers who I highly recommend.  I realize that what is going on nowadays is an example of things staying the same as always.  The dreams of many of us as black people are still deferred.  There is a lot of tension right now, and I pray for a solution or solutions to all of this anger and tension.  I like the last part about the explosion..that is what today's articles in mass media are all about.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

"Rolling in the Deep" by Adele



There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
[Clean version:] Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare
[Explicit version:] Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do
There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it, to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one on you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Make a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
The scars of your love remind me of us
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it, to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it, with a beating
Throw your soul through every open door (woah)
Count your blessings to find what you look for (woah)
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold (woah)
You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow (woah)
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

"The Redemption" excerpt

A year later, Joy and Richard give birth to a boy named Manuel who looks like Richard.
Three years go by. Richard is always working and Joy grows increasingly unhappy. She
feels alone and taken for granted. She meets another man and they become friends.
Overtime, they grow closer and the affair begins. Joy begins to feel guilty about the
affair and Joy discovers that she is pregnant Richard does not know of this affair since
Joy covered her tracks. They give birth to a daughter, Lauren, but the child turns out not
to be his, but the other man's. Richard does not notice right away, but Joy notices.

She notices that Lauren doesn't have any of the same features as any member of Richard's
family, but the other man. Over time, Richard begins to suspect that the baby is not his
and they argue about Joy's possible infidelity. Despite Joy's denial, he does not believe
her, saying that Lauren looks exactly like her and that she is hurt that Richard does not
believe her. She wonders if anyone, such as his mother have anything to do with it,
which angers Richard. His mother has told him that she was the wrong woman for him.
She has given Joy the benefit of the doubt, but she never cared for her. Despite her
feelings, Richard tells his mother to stay out of it.

Over time, the couple grows apart. Joy meets another man and has affair. She feels
overwhelmed, but is hurt that Richard would not believe her lies. (Who can blame him?).
They grow closer and closer to the point where Joy believes that she is having a
relationship with this second man. They even sleep together at her house while he is
away. This time, she is caught in bed with this other man. Richard pulls out a gun and
the housekeeper calls the police, who arrests him. Joy files a report stating the fact that a
gun is pulled out on her and that he is crazy. The cops blocks him from hitting his wife
and he is taken off to jail to cool off. Once out of jail, Richard puts Joy out of the house.

Monday, September 19, 2016

"The Obsession"...excerpt

Jennifer is adventurous, fun loving, studious, spirited, charming, and engaging,
but not always in a good way. She can strike up a conversation with anyone.
But that can often get her into trouble in her family life as she has had numerous
affairs with some of the men in her troubled love life. She looks for the perfect
even though it seems she has the perfect life. She always marries the good guy,
but looks for the fantasy. She is addicted to love. She is addicted to fantasy.
She is addicted to perfection.

Her first marriage was at only 18 years old to a man named Ricky Garcia. The
marriage lasted only four years. They had three children: a daughter named
Daisy and twin girls Lea and Ruthie. The marriage was not a happy one. Both
had affairs and Ricky often drank to excess with his pals. Because of this and
the fact that they married young, there was friction between the couple and they
eventually divorce. Jennifer was not really in love with Ricky; he was just a guy
who she had a crush on and was obsessed with. Sadly, Jennifer is clueless as
to what true love means. She is addicted to love. She has tasted of love, but
never digested it. She falls and falls for men, but is seems the love is often
unrequited. Jennifer took the divorce hard and struggled to make ends meet to
take care of her three girls. But despite her obsessions, she somehow managed
to be a good mother or at least raise the girls to the best of her ability.

She worked many jobs including cashier, librarian, and waiting tables.
Sometimes, she worked more than one job at a time, but writing was her
passion. At work she would fantasize about the bad boy riding on his
motorcycle, the muscular hunk with the tossled blonde hair, and the handsome
athlete with the million dollar smile. Jennifer wanted to write about these people
and make a good living, to have a better life for herself and her daughters, not
wait tables, or punch cash registers forever. She wanted to have her books
published and one day she wanted to make something out of herself. She
wanted to be somebody. Jennifer Delgado was a dreamer most of all.

She met a handsome ITT student named Antonio Sullivan, or Tony for short. In
hindsight, which was 50/50, there have been red flags about THAT union from
the start as Jennifer Delgado, ever the dreamer, never stopped dreaming about
that perfect union. Fast forward a couple of years and Tony became a Software
Technician who owned his own firm and Jennifer Delgado-Sullivan finally made
her dreams come true. At first the marriage was part of the dream life Jennifer
always wanted. Her life was the enviable life she always wanted. Life could not
be any better. Over time, Jennifer began to grow bored with her husband and
carried on affairs with other men, hoping to find that proverbial soul mate. She
wanted to find that one true love only to be disappointed.

She "met" a man named Paolo Serreti, an Italian actor with striking good looks,a
lean, muscular body and thick, wavy flaxen hair. He was certainly a gorgeous
man and could melt any woman's heart, but Jennifer, it seemed, was the object
of his affections.
"We had a whirlwind romance. We wined and dined until the wee hours of the
morning..."
It was all in Jennifer's mind. It was just a thought, and a rather silly one at that.
She and her husband had not wined and dined like that in a while. Reality kicked
in, and needless to say, Jennifer doesn't deal with reality well. Jennifer over time
was beginning to neglect her marriage and began to neglect her daughters.
Ironically, her work did not suffer as the books she published were about
fantasies that she wish were a part of her life. Her fantasies over times further
began to rule over her until there was no point of return for her marriage.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Jesus WILL return


I realize that I take too much time worrying about what to watch in terms of secular entertainment. I read back and reflected on some of my thoughts.  I realize that it is annoying that I have thoughts of the same thing over and over.  I feel like I have often been led by something that is not godly.  That was a sign of what I need and don't need to do.  I spent so much time being led by something else that I didn't realize what was really happening.  It was leading me to compulsions and thus contribute to avoidance.  I realize that life is not a fairytale, though at times I wish it were.  But reality in this world will not in my belief, last much longer.  If only I knew.  No movie or tv show will allow me to not think about the realities of this time and in the near future.  That is a real life film that I would like to star in.

Friday, September 16, 2016

"Brand New Me" by Alicia Keys


It's been a while
I'm not who I was before
You look surprised
Your words don't burn me anymore
Been meanin' to tell ya
But I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad
It's just a brand new kinda me
Can't be bad
I found a brand new kinda free

Careful with your ego
He's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God knows something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need
Why you mad?
It's just a brand new kinda me
[another version has some additinal lines:
"Never bad
I found a brand new kinda free.
Ooh..."]

[one version:] It took a long, long time to get here
[another version:] It took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, don't be surprised

[one version:] If I talk a little louder
[another version:] If I walk a little taller
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I've been under you too long
If you notice that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad
It's just a brand new kinda me
[another version doesn't have these additinal lines:
"That ain't bad
I found a brand new kinda free."]

Ooh, it took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh, said, you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend
You'd wanna get to know me again
If you were worth the while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah

I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your "OK"
I'll never be perfect,
But at least now I'm brave
I know my heart is open
I can finally breathe
Don't be mad
It's just a brand new kinda free
That ain't bad
I found a brand new kinda me
Don't be mad
[one version:] It's a brand new time for me
[another version:] It's just a brand new time for me




Wednesday, September 14, 2016

My obsessions about race..frankly, it is annoying

In the last post, I wrote about my obsession with race, racism, and how social status relates to the concept of race.  When I go on forums, it is as if I am almost an expert despite my life history.  I haven't personally had my share of dealing with racism on a person level.  However, I am not stupid enough to know that there is still racism out there and there are people who do see people in a negative light.  I have had this obsession with this issue for a long time.  Why is that?  I do have opinions on more things than racism.  It is quite annoying at worst.  My desire is to change all that. I would like to know how to change all of that.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

I am not ashamed of being more Christian than Black.

This past weekend, I have been reading passages of this book by Kimberley Cash Tate.  She is an author who is not ashamed for Jesus Christ.  She wrote this book called "More Christian Than African American".  I highly recommend this book, so far.  It is about a young woman who admitted that her identity was shaped by our heritage as black Americans.  She later got saved and her views on race have been transformed.

Why have I written this today of all days?  I have had obsessive thoughts about race, racism, and social class and social status as it relates to the issue of race.  My obsession became one about how black people are being viewed and how we have been treated during the eons of time.  Black people just like the rest of us have made mark after mark and contributed to the human race just like all others.

Christianity is not a white man's religion nor is it a black man's religion.  The Bible is not and should never be about professing Christian believers taking apart scripture to justify ungodly positions.  That is what I believed happened to our African ancestors, who came to various parts of the continent. I read that the slaves saw through the deception of the European masters.  Christianity in the black American community is a mix of African and European beliefs.  America is the land of a mixing or races, and cultures from Africa, Europe, Asia, and the American indigenous.

The first Christians came in a variety of shades, including black Africans and Semites from Israel. The first Christians were blacks, Semites, and Persians among others.  I believe that while our black ancestors were exposed to Christianity, it was a Semite who baptized an Ethiopian eunuch and Paul, who wrote much of the New Testament was a Jew who risked his life and freedom to spread Christianity to the Europeans.  Christianity was first a Middle Eastern, African, and Central Asian religion as Persians (or rather Parthians, Elamites, and Medes) and Arabs were among the believers who received the Holy Spirit in Acts 2. Correct me if I am wrong, but all that I have written so far are based on biblical and historical fact.

I have had thoughts about this for a while and even thought by some Christianity is a white man's religion, Jesus Christ suffered for all of us, Semite, African, Asian, Central Asian, or European.  That is the truth.  I myself consider being a Christian more than black American is the way to describe me. Christianity is not a black man's religion or a white man's religion, or an Asian man's religion either. It is so sad that we as believers in Christ would allow lies to be spread about Christianity (namely Jesus), live lives contrary to the word while being unrepentant, or allow ourselves to be divided.

I wish I had more thoughts about that.  I also realize that the truth does indeed set one free.  I finally find myself reveling over my thoughts and feeling anger and even "hatred" and doing nothing about it.  I am so glad that I finally expressed my views on Christianity as it truly is. Jesus doesn't see color the way man does, but the Holy Trinity made me, a black person, in His image and in his likeness. It was annoying to have these thoughts about race and racism yet I did nothing to learn the truth or live what is true for myself.  I am not ashamed of my heritage, but I am not ashamed of being a child of the Lord and a joint-heir to my Judge, Jesus Christ.  

Monday, September 12, 2016

"Oops!..I Did It Again" by Britney Spears


"Oops! ...I Did It Again"

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I think I did it again
I made you believe we're more than just friends
Oh baby
It might seem like a crush
But it doesn't mean that I'm serious
'Cause to lose all my senses
That is just so typically me
Oh baby, baby

[CHORUS:]
Oops!...I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent

You see my problem is this
I'm dreaming away
Wishing that heroes, they truly exist
I cry, watching the days
Can't you see I'm a fool in so many ways
But to lose all my senses
That is just so typically me
Baby, oh

[Repeat CHORUS]

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

"All aboard"
"Britney, before you go, there's something I want you to have"
"Oh, it's beautiful, but wait a minute, isn't this...?"
"Yeah, yes it is"
"But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end"
"Well baby, I went down and got it for you"
"Oh, you shouldn't have"

Oops!...I did it again to your heart
Got lost in this game, oh baby
Oops!...You think that I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent

** This song, as well as a lot of other songs, have relaxed me.  It was and still is, a major distraction.  I recall when I first had these obsessive thoughts, it improved my mood.  There were times when I felt so alone.  I was the only person who knows of who has it until I went online.  There are many others who may have felt the same way.  I don't know of anyone else who had this condition.  It was so bad.  I felt much better as this song was playing.**

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Grateful for God's Conviction

I didn't realize how hypocritical and judgmental I try was.  It didn't feel good.  I feel so much better about God correcting me.  I was convicted for how I was dealing with adulterous wives and with obsessive thoughts.  I realize that we are all in need of forgiveness, no matter how great the sin.  No matter if she was promiscuous or not, Jesus forgave the adulterous.  Go, leave your life of sin. It means to repent for one's sin and to not stay on that course but to become a new creation.  I realize that the message God is telling me.  I thank You, Lord.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Fact versus fiction

I am thankful that I have obsessive compulsive disorder.  In fact, I am starting to understand the difference between what is fact and what is fiction.  Adulterers and adultery is a sin, but there is a God who is about salvation, love, and forgiveness.  I had a hard time explaining that, but He saves those who have done even what the world considers the worst of sinners like prostitutes, murderers, and adulterers.  I am trying to explain, but to me, it has been so hard to express myself.  I finally see that what is in my head is not always in my heart.  I have read and understood adulteresses such as Gomer and the adulteress in John 8.  It takes a hard heart to not show mercy and not lead a sinner to repent.  It takes a hypocrite to judge and not learn their lessons on their own. Let us take the motes out of their eyes.  Let us not take the time to judge others when we have have our own sins. Hypocrisy is also a sin, just like adultery is.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Today's FLOAT reflections in red

The FLOAT technique
FLOAT way of dealing with obsessive thoughts.

Find your silent place.  With me it is within the confines of my home.  It is a place where I can be alone with my thoughts and pray.  I wondered if I could respond to a negative thought in that way. I realize that prayer could also be a fight response.  However, I have learned that prayer is honest, respectful communication with the Lord.  I could go outside and get some fresh air.  Fresh air always does some good.  

Let go of judgment.  I admit that unfortunately, I can be a judgmental person who often sees things in a negative light.  I would like to see myself in a less judgmental, negative light.  I would also like to see the beauty in me like I do in others whether they are fat, skinny, slim, slender, obese, curvy, or plus sized. I would like to see the beauty in myself and in others.  That has been a struggle that I have had since I can remember.

Observe your thoughts.  I finally realize and have no longer begun to just fight the thoughts.  I have to see these thoughts for what they are.  I also have to also see myself for who I am. I realize that that is it.  Fiction does not equal fact.  I need not to place so much into fiction that I forget or mix it with the truth.

Awareness of your environment. I feel like being aware most of the time whenever I get afraid of having a thought or two.  For instance, I was obsessed with a number of people like classmates and celebrities.  I am afraid that I would go back.  On the other hand, I never did go back to these obsessions. Fear is the opposite of faith.  That is what avoidance is really about.  I have lived my life in fear to a point where I feel I have been led by it.  Fear truly does torment.

Thankful for the experience.  Being thankful and being grateful I realize can be the same thing, but they are different.  I have become a different person as a result of having these thought.  I am in tune with my spiritual self.  In other words, I have drawn closer to the Lord.  That is something I have noticed. I am a spiritual being, which means a denial of one's physical self and take up the Cross.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

"Fighting" and distraction

Right now, I feel like distraction is a good, (or safe) way of dealing with having obsessive thoughts. Yesterday, I wrote about the FLOAT method in which I could be consistent with "fighting", but fighting is not a great word as fighting has not always been helpful.  I have also learned that avoidance is not so great idea as it can limit one's "world".  I don't get to enjoy myself like I once did. I miss those days.  I would like to go back.  Over the years, I have been under a lot of stress.  I would like to do more than just deal with it.  I want to do more than overcome.  I want to thrive.  I want to win.  I will not let obsessive thoughts destroy me or create more guilt and heartache.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The FLOAT technique

FLOAT way of dealing with obsessive thoughts.

Find your silent place.  With me it is within the confines of my home.  It is a place where I can be alone with my thoughts and pray.  I wondered if I could respond to a negative thought in that way. I realize that prayer could also be a fight response.  However, I have learned that prayer is honest, respectful communication with the Lord.

Let go of judgment.  I admit that unfortunately, I can be a judgmental person who often sees things in a negative light.  I would like to see myself in a less judgmental, negative light.  I would also like to see the beauty in me like I do in others whether they are fat, skinny, slim, slender, obese, curvy, or plus sized.

Observe your thoughts.  I finally realize and have no longer begun to just fight the thoughts.  I have to see these thoughts for what they are.  I also have to also see myself for who I am.

Awareness of your environment. I feel like being aware most of the time whenever I get afraid of having a thought or two.  For instance, I was obsessed with a number of people like classmates and celebrities.  I am afraid that I would go back.  On the other hand, I never did go back to these obsessions.

Thankful for the experience.  Being thankful and being grateful I realize can be the same thing, but they are different.  I have become a different person as a result of having these thought.  I am in tune with my spiritual self.  In other words, I have drawn closer to the Lord.  That is something I have noticed.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Blessing In the Storm by Kirk Franklin


Oh, ah, oh, ah, oh, ah
Oh, ah, oh, ah, oh, ah
Oh, ah, oh, ah, oh, ah
Oh, ah, oh, ah, oh, ah

When I cannot hear the sparrow sing
And I cannot feel the melody
There's a secret place that's full of grace
There's a blessing in the storm
Help me sing it
There's a blessing in the storm

When the sickness won't leave my body
And the pain just won't leave my soul
I get on my knees and say, "Jesus please"
There's a blessing in the storm
Help me sing it
There's a blessing in the storm

When I cannot seem to love again
And the raindrops won't ever end
If you just hold on
Those clouds will soon be gone

There's a blessing in the storm
Help me sing it
There's a blessing in the storm

Sweet, sweet, the storm, sweet

When I cannot seem to love again
And the raindrops won't ever end
If you just hold on
Those clouds will soon be gone

There's a blessing in the storm
Help me sing it
There's a blessing in the storm

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Importance and the not so important

The anxiety is not here.  I am glad.  Anxiety is about having overactive nerves.  Mine is to the extreme at times.  It can be nerve wracking so to speak.  I realize that there are things that are far more important than what I should watch on television and who I have a crush on.  They are integrity, morals, faith, family, and most of all, God.  I have come to realize that the way to deal with anxiety is to be honest, true, and to understand that despite the ups and mostly downs of anxiety, I am not alone. I believe that as of right now, I will be okay.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Nice quote and "Be Thankful"

 “Gratitude should not be just a reaction to getting what you want, but an all-the-time gratitude, the kind where you notice the little things and where you constantly look for the good, even in unpleasant situations. Start bringing gratitude to your experiences, instead of waiting for a positive experience in order to feel grateful.” — Marelisa Fábrega

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

Author Unknown

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Thoughts on how kids should be disciplined

Should kids who disobey or at least do things a parent disagrees with, or do wrong be publicly shamed? How should kids be disciplined in at least this situation? I'm risking it here, but I am 41 years old. When I was a kid, I got beatings just like many kids, but I don't call it abuse. I in short, turned out okay. What are your thoughts on corporal punishment as compared to publicly shaming a disobedient kid or one that needs to be corrected? I believe that public shaming and posting things online is counterproductive. I personally rather discipline my kids at home, not online for the world to see, but that is just me. I just cannot imagine my mom, or dad, shame me like this in public (unless I was running from them and they had a switch or belt in their hands). Anyways, I believe that how one disciplines our youth has changed way too much, and in my opinion, not in a good way.

I was partially referring to those on YouTube, Facebook, and even the news. There was a Caribbean woman who beat the crap out of her daughter for her posts online. Wow, that must have been embarrassing for the kid, not only for the mom to get beaten like that with a belt, but to add the humiliation of the whole world knowing that you got beat by your mom all over the internet. I also recall when I was a kid, there were mothers who would hit or beat their kids whenever they acted up in the grocery store. I was a kid so I felt bad watching that. I have noticed that kids, especially little kids don't get beatings in the store for others to see anymore. I am just talking about five year olds getting spanked. 

My guess is also because we live in an age of time-outs and other form of punishments like publicly humiliation, which I still think would be, and is counterproductive. I guess I am more into disciplining a child privately (according to age, of course). For instance, I would not spank a kid with a belt when the child is two or three. If I were a parent (and I would like to be one day), I would spank my kid when the kid is more "mature" or at least "old enough" to be spanked such as someone who is ten or eleven, at least with a hand to the bottom, but not so hard that a kid would get a bruise there. 

Usually by 12-16, spankings seem to have less of an effect on the kid or kids, unless it is spanking and public humiliation, especially online. I recall however, the video of the teenager who was missing for several days and not only did the dad "put the belt" to her for being that, but for dressing more adult. Now what was even worse was it was posted online and not to mention, the girl was called names while she was being spanked.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Did this mom go too far?

I was watching this video on Facebook. To me, it was just random. Anyways, this mom was beating the crap out of her daughter I guess because she had a rather bad or rather, promiscuous reputation. To me, I guess the mom went too far. I also guess she was the one who posted this beating on the internet. The website is called World Star, where people will post just about anything just to get an audience. (Sadly, I am guilty of watching these videos. Yes, many of them are vile and disgusting, not to mention degrading. They even have XXX videos on another site of theirs.) Anyways, I was wondering what is the best punishment for kids who have a rather, bad reputation or engage in rather promiscuous behavior. At the risk of coming across at being hypocritical, I will post this video and read what you think? What should she have done?

GOOD OR BAD PARENTING?? MOM WHOOPS HER DAUGHTER WITH A HARD STICK FOR BEING A THOT!

Sadly the source I got the video from isn't much better I am afraid. My other question is is it okay to post even the most demeaning of videos just to prove a point. For those who have no clue what a THOT is, here is a definition: That hoe over there.

Friday, July 8, 2016

This past week

Right now, I am playing "Amazing Grace" online and it has come to mind what has happened over the past week.  Today I have discussed the tragedies going on in our country today.  I would not be surprised if the viewpoints of others within families, workplaces, and schools become more heated. We want it all to stop, whether or not it is the killings or the division.  I too want it to stop.  I want black lives to matter.  I want blue lives to matter.  I want all lives to matter, like it should be.  I don't want for history to repeat itself.  However, I have a feeling that another shooting will take place of another person or persons to take hold of this country like it has this past week.  I have a sinking feeling that worse is yet to come.  Maybe we should integrate ourselves instead of allowing ourselves to be divided in this nation.  United we stand, divided we ALL fall.  Hate, fear, and more loss of life will continue to exist because many are not taking a stand or allowing ourselves to fall for anything.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Acceptance and suitability

What can I find that is suitable or accepted about obsessive thoughts?  I have been anxious thoughts or rather, full blown anxiety for a number of years now.  I have learned a lot about those thoughts and about myself over the years.  I wonder if it is even possible to accept the whole thing.  I can accept that I have crushes and obsessions.  So I can accept parts of it.  Acceptance seems like I have to deal with it for the rest of my life.  Maybe acceptance is about attitude towards one thought at a time. Maybe it is about having a more realistic attitude about having obsessive thoughts or just specific thoughts in general.  These obsessive thoughts have been controlling my life and what I can do for so long that my hope is that I have not gotten used to it.  My major concern however, is if I were to accept it, then what will happen next?

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Acceptance is a difficult thing to do

I have wondered if it is in the cards for me to embrace having this disorder.  I have had to deal with this issue for many years now and that has been the biggest struggle of them all.  I have never been able to do so for the simple fact that I just hate having OCD and all that it comes with.  OCD comes with a lot of baggage and it has caused me a lot of stress over the years.  I guess with acceptance comes patience.  I want to get rid of it once and for all.  However, I must not forget that I do live on the Lord's timing.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

God is there...and speaking

Wow, my letter to the Lord was heartfelt and intense to say the least.  I wrote about my mental health issues and God showed me that we all live on His time.  He has been there for me all along.  I guess that is what it is meant by waiting on the Lord.  It is not just realizing that we are all living on His time, but that we are to fully trust Him.  God wants our full attention, not just our fully "divided" attention.  There is no division with God in that regard.  He also wanted me to see that He indeed does heal and that He does care.  I know now that love and care go hand in hand, but also with a deep appreciation, and respect.  God is more real to me now than ever and I thank Him for revealing that to me.  No matter how tough things are right now, I finally know that God is truly there.  I thank Him for realizing that taking things for granted is not only counterproductive, it is also foolish.  There is nothing worse to me right now than being ungrateful, thoughtless, and short-sighted.  I am thankful for His clarity and His answered prayer.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Too much..not enough

I am okay, but maybe not.  I have had not an obsessive thought in a while.  Okay, I did.  But that is only beside the point.

Friday, July 1, 2016

"Walk on by" by Sybil



Walk on, walk, walk, walk on, walk on by

Walk on, walk, walk, walk on
Wa-wa-walk on, walk on, walk on

If you see me walking down the street
And I start to cry each time we meet
Walk on by, walk on by
Make believe that you don't see the tears
Just let me grieve in private
'Cause each time I see you I break down and cry
Walk on by, walk on by
Walk on by

I just can't get over losing you
And so if I seem broken and blue
Walk on by, walk on by
Foolish pride, that's all that I have left
So let me hide the tears and the sadness
You gave me when you said goodbye
Walk on by, walk on by
Walk on by

Walk on by, walk on by

Ooh ooh, ooh ooh
Walk on by, walk on by
Walk on by

I just can't, I just can't
I-I-I just can't, I just can't
I-I-I just can't get over losing you
And so if I seem broken and blue
Walk on by, walk on by
Foolish pride, that's all that I have left
So let me hide the tears and the sadness
You gave me when you said goodbye
Walk on by (walk on, walk on)
Walk on by (walk on, walk, walk, walk on)
Walk on by, walk on by

Thursday, June 30, 2016

May he rest in peace

Sage Stallone was a beautiful man who never got the chance to live a fuller life.  That is just my observation.  I have read and been told only good things about him.  I can't recall reading anyone mention online anything negative about him.  Apparently, he was "saintly" compared to most people. However, it seems that I have yet to accept my obsession with him.  I wish I had met him.  I thought it was a crush, but it will never me.  His death is a sad reminder to most that one will never truly know the end of their lives and how they will die.  It is so sad that he has lived a short life and that I will never get to meet him or even know him.  May he rest in peace.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

PM Dawn - Looking Through Patient Eyes-Lyrics



Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you
I have a love for you that nothing hides
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you
I hope you look at me through patient eyes

I've become amused, I've become blind
I've become what I know not breathes
You seem illiterate to all my emotions
I stand corrected, how well you read

You speak the truth, you speak the me
You feel the love I have yet to find
I know it's there, I know it's there
But I let the sandcastles kill my mind

Pathetic me, I long to be you
I think I'm close but I stand so far
The turbulent one sheds a turbulent tear
I miss the love only 'cause they starve

Oil and water, lust and sympathy
Are life and death my way through the sun?
Where originates all the pain that leaves
My memory a traumatic sponge and sings to you

Well, define my love with attitude
Open up your mind and it will sing to you
You can always tell but I know remorse so well
I left reality early due to the lack of love, reason

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you
I have a love for you that nothing hides
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you
I hope you look at me through patient eyes

The channel, a professional liar
How I long to contradict those vibes
Joni, help me, I think I'm falling
It's not for love and I quest the why

I don't know, if I'm right, I'm right
But if I'm wrong, then show me I'm wrong
The fear of pity is always awake
But infinite sympathy is completely gone

It's the windows, the doors
The passage ways to the truth
Oh, my God, it echoes the mind
In total recall as wild as the deuce

It's so deceiving is the clouded heart
So superficial is the open wound
I caress the infinite light
That even at night overshadows the moon
That sings to you

Well, define my love that lives within you
Even when I die, it will sing to you
You can only tell if remorse has done you well
The misconstrued my answers
Thanks to the lack of love, reason

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you
I seek the sympathy and I can't lie
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you
I hope you look at me through patient eyes

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you
I seek the sympathy and I can't lie
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you
I hope you look at me through patient eyes

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you
I seek the sympathy and I can't lie
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you
I hope you look at me through patient eyes

Monday, June 27, 2016

The nature of my past and present OCD thoughts

I remember when I was obsessed with professional wrestling.  It was quite frustrating to say the least. It was like a movie that played over and over and over again.  It wasn't the kind of movie that I wanted to see.  Obsessive thoughts can be and at times are scary.  I realize that while there is really nothing to fear, it is hard to be convincing otherwise.  If I can overcome my pro-wrestling obsession, then I can overcome my other obsessions, such as infidelity.  I cannot write out my thoughts, which would cause me even more fears.  Everything is a trigger.  Therefore, everything is an obsession. However, the obsessions, though not even the fears are the worst thing about OCD.  Breaking the cycle is the worst thing about having OCD.  I have learned that no amount of writing and being specific has cured the OCD.  So, what will?

Sunday, June 26, 2016

19 Signs You Are Obsessed With Your Crush

19 Signs You Are Obsessed With Your Crush
by Charlotte Green
March 25, 2013

1. Every time someone mentions their name — even if you have no idea what they are talking about — your ears perk up and you immediately tune out whoever you’re listening to to eavesdrop on that conversation.

2. You have, at least once, wrote your name out as it would look if you were married. You were then overwhelmed with shame, and destroyed all evidence.

3. Any time you go out with someone else on a date or to a social event, you can’t stop thinking about how much better it would be if you were there with your crush.

4. Literally everything they do is attractive, and interested, and makes you like them more. They could probably commit first degree murder and you would forgive them after a few minutes of serious reflection.

5. You are constantly tortured with the uncertainty over whether or not they ever think of you, and are pretty certain they are not even aware of your existence.

6. You have saved a few choice photos off of their Facebook for… research purposes.

7. All of your friends roll their eyes and sigh semi-audibly when they hear that you are bringing up your crush yet again.

Full article here...

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Re-post about exercise and music

Exercise and music
Exercise and music are what make the world go around; at least for me it does.  I feel so much better. I still have a long way to go.  My thoughts have lessened for the most part.  I am so happy and more content.  If only I have dieted and exercised before.  I realized that I want, need, and desire to lose weight, but for me and no one else.  I want to prove the naysayers wrong and myself right.  I am okay and I will continue to be okay.  Like I said (okay to paraphrase), exercise and music have made MY world go 'round.  I am so happy and no longer irritated for now.

Monday, June 20, 2016

"Flaws" by Kierra Sheard



"Flaws"

Sometimes I talk a little too much 
Don't listen enough
Sometimes it's way too easy for me to beat myself up
Sometimes I hate the way I look when I look in the mirror
One look from you I know

My flaws
You love, you love my flaws
Think they make me beautiful
You don't see them as flaws at all
That's why 
That's why, that's why I love you
Cause you are, you are the one who
The one who loves my flaws

Sometimes I get a little unsure
A lot insecure
Sometimes I know I might say some words
That might cause some hurt
Sometimes I get in my own way
I'm way too much to put up with
But you put up with it all

My flaws
You love, you love my flaws
Think they make me beautiful
You don't see them as flaws at all
That's why 
That's why, that's why I love you
Cause you are, you are the one who
The one who loves my flaws

You think I'm everything when I think I'm nothing
When I hate myself you still love me 
Love me and 

My flaws
You love, you love my flaws
Think they make me beautiful
You don't see them as flaws at all

Oh God
You love, you love my flaws
Think they make me beautiful
You don't see them as flaws at all
That's why 
That's why, that's why I love you
Cause I love, I love the one who
The one who loves my flaws

My flaws
You love, you love my flaws

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Trying to do what is hard while finally realizing things as they are..

I woke up to Sage Stallone and thinking about him.  I had disturbing thoughts about him.  It wasn't about his real death. It was sad, yes.  This one, however, was so disturbing I literally cried my eyes out.  Mysteriously, I believe God was there.  It was as if God brought me to a realization or two starting this morning.  Following His word and prayer have become the answers.  Realizing that I have to fight an uphill battle includes overcoming the powerless thoughts and feelings that I have had.  I have to also realize that I am not the only suffering person in the world.  I also have to see that there are people who are suffering much greater than I am.  I had thoughts that not only cause annoyance but caused confusion.  It was as if I was drawn to whatever would give me assurance.  The other decision was to do something else.  I decided to do something else. The confusions and the "decision making" was about what to do that will feed obsessive thoughts by "exposing" myself to them.  It would be a worse decision than realizing that there are more important things in the world, like acceptance.  Acceptance and doing what else is hard like not reacting to the thought, but to let it pass.  I hope to truly accept that I have obsessive thoughts.  If I were to accept this, then I guess the annoyance and the compulsions would lessen.  So far, I am doing okay.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Guidance by the obsessive thoughts

I realize that I seem to have lived by my thoughts.  My thoughts have guided me into all things.  I have allowed this to happen.  I have now become annoyed to do these deeds.  I hope to never deal with all of those negative things that I have dealt with.  My hope and prayer is that I should not have to be guided and allow myself to live by what my mind says.  I have allowed my OCD to guide me. It has almost been second nature, which in itself is quite scary.  How does acceptance work?  How do I accept having OCD?  How do I finally cope?  That is the hardest part of it all.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Rest in peace, Gypsy Joe


The truth is, I have never seen much of Gypsy Joe.  All I can say is that death is a gateway in the "game" of life.  He did live a long life especially considering what his occupation is.  I only know of him because of his old match with New Jack.  It was disturbing to watch, well whatever I could watch.  I know it isn't real but he seemed like a pretty tough guy to take all of those licks.  I should have watched more of his matches I guess, but the truth is, I have lost interest in pro-wrestling, for the most part.  I do get to watch  Raw and Smackdown, but that is mostly it.  I would like to renew my interest and expand it again.  May Gypsy Joe rest in peace.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Realization and doing what is hard

I realize that there is no excuse for really anything.  No matter what, I realize that despite my being able-bodied and able-minded, I will not make any such excuses.  I will have to push myself even if my desire is to give up.  I cannot and will not give up.  I realize that patience is something that I have gotten better at, but it hasn't always been easy.  It will never be a free or easy ride.  Even ease and freedom has its price.  I guess what I am saying is that there is nothing free but nothing ventured, nothing gain.  That is what will happen with my thoughts and what has and will continue to happen with losing weight.  I have been doing better on both fronts and will continue to do better, no matter how hard things have been and will be.  I wish that overcoming obsessive thoughts and doubts about my weight are not just something that never existed but I have to be realistic.  They do and in order to accomplish something, I will have to see things for what they really truly are.  I will have to do what is hardest and that is accept even the littlest truth.  Maybe that is the hardest thing of all.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Reflection of Muhammad Ali

Today is a day that we honor a great champion.  Sadly, I never got to see any of his matches.  I guess it was because of my youth.  Okay, maybe my youth. lol.  I realize that I can watch this on Youtube now, but I wonder if it is the same.  I didn't realize why people thought he was the greatest.  Sadly, I now know that he truly was, maybe as a boxer, but as a human being.

 Muhammad Ali v George Foreman


 Muhammad Ali v. Larry Holmes


 Muhammad Ali v. Joe Frazier



Thursday, June 9, 2016

The Lord and my having OCD

I wish that sometimes I never had OCD.  It can be a rough condition to deal with.  I realize that there was one thing about being a Christian with OCD.  I have grown closer and more dependent on the Lord.  God has been good to me.  I thank You for all that He has helped me deal with.  I had no idea that God has been there with me in this time.  I thank the Lord.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Exercise and music

Exercise and music are what make the world go around; at least for me it does.  I feel so much better. I still have a long way to go.  My thoughts have lessened for the most part.  I am so happy and more content.  If only I have dieted and exercised before.  I realized that I want, need, and desire to lose weight, but for me and no one else.  I want to prove the naysayers wrong and myself right.  I am okay and I will continue to be okay.  Like I said (okay to paraphrase), exercise and music have made MY world go 'round.  I am so happy and no longer irritated for now.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Being holy and the virtue of holiness

Holiness is something that is not just important, but mandatory.  Holy people are an obedient, set apart for God, type of people.  Holy people are the sheep who know the truth.  They recognize Jesus, for He is the true Shepherd among the wolves.  It is a shame that so many so-called sheep will rather follow the wolves.  Sheep believe and know and discern what is false and what is the truth.  Holy people are a salt and light people.  My question is why being holy is lacking in virtue?  I believe that it is what is wrong with the world. That is just me.  It took me a while to see that I was not holy, but that is only because, I have not lived a holy life.  Be different.  There is just nothing wrong with being different, even in a "normal" world.  It is normal that is crazy, not ones who are different and set apart.  Being yourself can be and is a virtue, no matter how different one is.  Taking a stand for what is right and what is true is the essence of holiness.  Why? Because obedient has its awards.  Patience and strength and integrity are most definitely virtues.  Love the Lord with everything you have, mind, body, strength, and soul.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Today's reflection

There are times when you want to fights.  However, there are other times where a thought is about to be let go.  Personally, the best fight is no fighting at all, especially when it comes to obsessive thoughts.  I often have thoughts about fictional characters.  Last night, I was watching a rather strange film about a woman who ends up losing it.  It is a shame since her husband has died towards the end of it.  I allowed myself to feel the anxiety.  It was okay.  Right now, I am anxious typing this.  I would like for the anxiety to pass due to what I am writing right now.  Actually I am pretty anxious right now. I realize that the imagery is scarier to me compared to the actual thought.  I wish the whole disorder would just pass.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Intrusive Thoughts: The Intruders You Want to Kick Out.

Intrusive Thoughts: The Intruders You Want to Kick Out.
from Martin N. Seif, Ph.d.

Every highly anxious person has to cope with intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are frightening thoughts about what might happen to you or someone you care about, or what you might do to yourself or another person. They seem to come from outside of your control, and their content feels alien and threatening.

For some people, intrusive thoughts are part and parcel of panic or intense anxiety. In these types of intrusive thoughts, it feels like the thoughts come about as a result of the anxiety, and they function to add more fear to the anxiety you are already experiencing. The intrusive thoughts keep the anxiety going, and maintain the fear-producing spiral. So, for example, you might think, "what if I have a heart attack?" in the midst of an anxiety attack. You are already in the altered state of consciousness that I call anxious thinking, and your thoughts feel likely to happen.

However, there is another class of intrusive thoughts that I call intrusive obsessive thoughts. These thoughts seem to come from out of nowhere, arrive with a distressing whoosh, and cause a great deal of anxiety. The content of intrusive obsessive thoughts almost always focus on sexual or violent images. Here are typical examples of intrusive obsessive thoughts: "Killing someone. Torturing a pet animal. Stabbing a child. Throwing someone (or yourself) out of a window. Jumping onto a train track as the train comes into the station. Molesting a child. Raping someone. Taking off your clothes in public." This is not a complete list, but it gives you a good feeling of the content of these thoughts.
People who experience intrusive obsessive thoughts are afraid that they might commit the acts they picture in their mind. They might imagine hurting someone or committing an act of sexual violation. Intrusive obsessive thoughts can be very explicit, and most people are embarrassed and frightened of them.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Learning more and more about having these thoughts

There are no excuses that I will make.  I need clarity in my life.  I am learning more and more about having obsessive thoughts.  Reasoning with them and fighting them do not work.  Crying over them do not work though a good cry can and is helpful.  I remember the good cries that I had.  Having obsessive thoughts is hard.  It can be so debilitating to the point that one's world gets smaller and smaller.  That has been and in some cases, still is, what has gone on in  my life.    I guess that I have to keep on fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting.  The computer ironically has made the obsessions worse because it has helped, or rather hurt, me in terms of feeding my thoughts. Performing compulsions are even harder and more frustrating to deal with.  They do much to help feed those exceptions because they only provide temporary relief.  In fact, as I am writing in this journal I have come to realize that the internet has ironically been my shield from all of those negative and annoying thoughts.  Now I realize that it is time to lay off of the internet for a while, which will be even harder to do, but it will be worth it.