Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Dealing with anxiety and revelation about what has been going on for years..

These obsessive thoughts are a product of my mind.  Hopefully that is the case.  I have lately been watching the show that I tried to avoid.  Now for a while I found myself anxious.  Lately I have now discussed in as much detail as possible to my mom that finally for the past eight years or so, I have been having obsessive thoughts about infidelity committed by wives.  My goal is to not feed the obsessions.  The truth is, exposing myself by watching the show did more to expose my thoughts than anything.  On the other hand, it exposed my fears and they have lessened.  On the other hand, it became less of a dilemma than I thought it was going to be.  Now for the first time in a while I felt free.  On the other hand, I was so anxious I felt like I was going to lose it.  But talking it out and finally letting it out has improved things and that is what is important.  I will not write or explain anything else in detail for that might make these thoughts of greater importance than they should be. I want my life to count for something.  I want to do something else and think on something else.  The Word of God says to be holy, for God is holy.  I want to be holy, think holy, and live something.  I feel that I haven't always done that and that is sad.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Testimony and concerns

 I tend to get anxious about my entertainment choices and it doesn't make any sense. My topic of anxiety makes no sense. It seems like OCD or anything else makes any sense. I am not in a relationship. No one has ever cheated on me. I have never been divorced. I have no kids or paternity issue. I have never been cheated on. It no longer matters why I have the disorder, but I have a hard time embracing everything else. It is quite a struggle. I wonder if I will ever be cured or this. I told God how I have felt.

Right now, I am feeling better. There are times when I feel that I get better only to get worse. How do I count this issue count it all joy when there are worse things out there? Sometimes i feel guilty about having OCD and also it is as if the world is on my shoulders. My bone of contention is watching a certain tv show where one of the female characters commit infidelity with her husband's best friend. The husband knows about it. I wonder if I should continue watching what little I have watched or should I avoid it. I hate avoidance knowing that it would make the OCD worse or at least continue. I even wonder if there is such thing as a healthy avoidance or at least caution. I wish I knew all the answers. Maybe I would feel better.

I too have prayed, read, fasted for a number of reasons, cried out, and done all that I can to have this depression and anxiety taken off of me. I do attend therapy sessions and I also take medication. It helps with the bipolar but sometimes with the anxiety as well. Maybe I need to fast more, and for longer periods of time. However, I realize that I can't always depend on medication. I don't drink alcohol or smoke, but I wonder what can I drink or eat that can worsen the anxiety or depression. I am in need of prayer at this time.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

From a conversation I had

I wish I could be uncertain and remain that way.  crazy enough, even the research doesn't seem to annoy me, though maybe i shouldn't do it.
i guess the thoughts have overall lessened.
Tuesday however the show airs about a woman who has an affair and now her husband finds out.
i did watch some clips and now they don't bother me.
the truth is, i no longer have any interest since it is only a soap
i won't even try to reason it out.
reasoning it out and explaining it only makes things worse..besides i have distracted myself
with tv
and music
though i do not watch tv most of the day
i just hope i never have an obsessive thought about infidelity again!
i also hope that fiction stays fictional
i had sleep disturbances but not anymore.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Happy today

"Killing Daddy" has a woman who commits suicide because of a mental illness, not because of something adulterous.  Okay so I looked up information.  Also, I will keep on moving. It is based on a song by Soul II Soul.  This is an awesome song with a great video attached to it.  I am happy today. Listening to music makes me even happier.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Be anxious for nothing.

I hope not.  I hope to not be anxious for anything.  A good cry and some prayer have been of great help to me today.  I haven't been as anxious as I have been.  That is a good thing.  I finally spilled the beans about what has ailed me all along.  God knows what it is about.  It is the thoughts about infidelity and the one who is long gone.  It will be three years since his untimely death.  I wasn't shy about anything.  I even mentioned the name.  I felt like I even though I may appear crazy, I am really not crazy.  I hope for more good cries.  It has somehow lessened the anxiety.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

This is getting too much to bear

Sometimes I wonder if I am full of crap.  Being uncertain is still the solution and so is acceptance.  I tried acceptance and not to worry.  I still have issues with sleep.  I have been having sleep disturbances lately.  Things were so bad for me yesterday.  I even thought of hospitalization.  Right now, as of today, I am doing better. I always feel better about something later before I go to bed. I am glad that I finally told my mother and the Lord above about my issues.  That has helped me to feel better.  Of course a good afternoon nap and concentrating on computer problems doesn't hurt.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

It no longer matters because I have to learn to be uncertain sometimes.

Sports and some rest are great for me.  I realize that I have to accept the fact that the answers that I so seek are not the answers that I so seek.  In short, a little bit of uncertainty is okay.  I have to fight.  I need to stand up to the OCD.  It is a bully that has almost brought me down this morning.  However, for the past few days, I had sleep disturbances.  I will never know why I have these thoughts.  I realize that I will never know.  It no longer matters.  Now I can say that as far as the content of specific thoughts, it doesn't matter.  I am a bit anxious, but since I have slept and since I had this realization, my anxiety is going away.  It is slow, but it is finally going away.  The images are based on thoughts that don't affect me personally.  I am saddened that like so many people, I get caught up on things of the world including television.  I have to learn not to do that especially with talk shows or with fiction.  This is not real.  I know this but my mind says it is real and I have to do research and look up message boards in order to find the answers that I "need" because of the uncertainty.  I will never be certain of everything, and that is okay.  Having this mindset and learning to embrace this disorder will help me in the long run.  It could even improve my sleep.  I choose not to be anxious.  I choose to embrace the OCD.  I choose not to see fiction as reality so that it is not blurred.  I choose not to take things so personally.  I also choose to accept that I won't be able to find the answers to everything.  I guess I can repeat all of that. I am feeling better already.  I finally seem to have a good handle on the situation.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Trying to distract myself

Right now, I am listening to music.  I have been anxious over a television show that will air tonight at 10 pm.  I gave in to my compulsions but ironically it made me feel better.  As a Christian, it was not the wisest thing to do.  As an ocd sufferer, I realize that it is harder to not give in.  I have wondered why let the thoughts pass.  I wish I had let the thoughts just pass.  It would have been "painful" but at least I would not be anxious about the show or worried about the fact that I gave in to my compulsions.  I do "research" to find the answers that I so seek.  I have hated uncertainty for as long as I can remember.  I have had obsessive thoughts for many years.  I had very little problem getting anxious about what I watch on television.  Nowadays, most tv shows make me nervous.  Nowadays, I tend to turn, or wish to, turn the television off.  I would like to just distract myself from the show and from giving in, which would be even harder.  I hate that I did that.  There isn't as much anxiety, but now I wonder if the obsessive thoughts will end.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Telling the truth

I spent a lot of the day NOT watching television.  I have a problem and I know that I have a problem. I am scared for another thoughts.  I think that I will be okay.  I need a change of plans.  I need to live in the real world.  I have been living in a fantasy world for years.  I am a near middle aged woman. I need to live and grow.  I need to progress.  My reality is a bit messed up.  Fiction has become my reality and that is a messed thing to deal with.  Sometimes it is like there is a blurring between reality and fiction.  That in itself is scary.  Sometimes it is as if I am going crazy.  I know I am not crazy. Maybe I am just overwhelmed and that I need to relax.  I guess being a type A personality, it is hard to do so.  I need to relax and meditate and to cling to the Lord.  I have learned to delight in the Lord. I have also learned to rely and wait on Him for all things.  Maybe fear is what is holding me back and it is keeping me from overcoming those thoughts.  I thank God for lifting my burdens and I ask God to do so.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I allow this to happen?

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Television: Idolatry or Obsession

There are TV shows that I don't usually watch that I am drawn to because of the theme of infidelity. Maybe I should forego television forever.  I have obsessive thoughts sometimes with what to watch on television.  There is a show called "If Loving You is Wrong" where one of the female characters commit infidelity with her neighbor.  Her husband works and they have a distant relationship.  The wife may be pregnant by either the husband or the lover.  Here is the thing: that is all I know because I have barely watched the show.  My thoughts are out of control and I had a bad day.  I have a form of obsessive reassurance called research reassurance where I do online research on the TV show or anything that I obsess about.  It is driving me up the wall.  Reassurance supposedly takes me to a better place as far as relieving anxiety but it is a waste of time.  Other people's comments upset me for I find them judgmental and that they make no sense.  I find fiction is now making no sense.  I now wonder why most people are so caught up in fiction.  I tend to watch movies and TV shows that are safe and now I wonder if I should watch television at all.  I am a Christian and I feel like I should go by my beliefs but the word dilemma comes to mind.  Television should not be so important nor should watching television be.

I am not sure if television has become a form of idolatry or not but sometimes I rather just turn the television off.  There was a time I went that I never even had a television.  Yesterday was just a bad day.  I even checked for reassurance about infidelity committed by wives over the years.  While it seems interesting to "get into the business about others", it is a waste of time and it feeds my obsessions.  I simply cannot take the thoughts anymore.  Today is a better day because I was distracted but even when I am distracted I still have the thoughts in the back of my mind.  That is what is so frustrating.  I feel so bad that I feel like I have no power.  However, I believe that God will help me along with meds and counseling, which I engage in.  I also believe that I will be alright if not soon.  Tuesday however, will be rough because that is the show airs.  The husband is supposed to find out according to the previews and I don't want to see it but I do.  Another so-called dilemma has been created.  Maybe I place too much importance on what I watch on television.  I tend to watch television a lot because I am bored.  Wow.  I definitely need to do something else.  I have other likes and dislikes and other things that I need to address.  I don't want to see television as a dilemma.  I am not sure if I see television as a top priority but I realize that now I have obsessive thoughts about television.  I needed help, but as of right now, since I am writing this, I am beginning to feel better.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

I tire of the "daily grind".

Today, instead of progressing I have regressed even further.  Maybe I am trying to get it out of my system so that I would get bored and never do it again.  I hope that is the case.  Everything fictional is real and everything real has become fictional.  I am hiding from what scares me though it doesn't make sense.  As of right now, nothing seems to make sense and I hate it.  TV shows and movies have become my first priority.  Getting out of the house is also a top priority on the list.  I would love to get out and do something but where do I begin?  I hate myself and I hate my life.  I hate having these thoughts and I hate the compulsions even more.  What happened between now and Wednesday?  I can say that I need help and while I do, I might as well just give up and give in.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Guilt about seeking for reassurance

I feel like such a phony.  I was extremely into research and compulsions.  I often seek reassurance by wondering if something happened or not.  I also go on the internet to find the "answers" that I so seek.  The problem is, I hate uncertainty.  All of this stuff about embracing the obsessive thoughts and choosing not to be anxious and take action is harder than I thought.  I felt guilty about doing all that seeking.  I spent a lot of my waking moment doing research into what other people think about certain celebrities and information about the characters of a specific show or two.  It was as if I was obsessed.  I was.  I was obsessed, but it felt like an addiction.  My doing such research felt more like an addict getting a fix.  But does it mean that those with obsessive thoughts engage in addictive behaviors?  I know obsessions are not the same as obsessions are more mental than physical.  I feel better but the reason I seem to have felt better was because I was more certain, but now I have come to realize that it is all a facade.  I know the thoughts shall pass but they were a total waste of time.  I wish I could reason things out, but it only makes things worse.  I know the thoughts are without logic and really have nothing to do with me, but not even the truth helps.  I have obsessive thoughts still about television and movies.  I have also come to realize that I spent too much time on entertainment and not enough time on prayer and fasting and reading the word.  It is like what I just did was a sin, but was it?  I just feel so guilty about this.  I tire of coping with this but right now that is just the way it is, yet the thoughts will pass on their own.  I come to realize that this soon shall pass.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Obsessive thoughts about race and racism 2

I have had these thoughts for years. For a while I had these thoughts that were exaggerated. I even wondered if a person I had a crush on (sadly someone who has died) was a racist, prejudiced, or bigoted. I often wrote posts on other forums about race and racism. It was getting annoying and I couldn't take it anymore. Yesterday I was nervous because of the racism thoughts and wanting to ask for reassurance.

I had thoughts about hating and not trusting other groups, specifically white people. I know that I had strong opinions on race and racism. I wondered why I have thoughts about race. I realize now that things will not change because of my thoughts and my compulsions. I even go online and ask about race, class, racism, etc in their country. Most of the time, the people responded without being rude. Brazil and much of Latin America was the area where I asked about the most. I even go on race based forums as I have asked about Latin America, specifically Peru, Brazil, and Mexico. Those countries have sizable majority or minority black populations.

I don't understand why I have these thoughts. I don't want to say it is because I am myself black. I feel so embarrassed about having these thoughts and compulsions about race. I wish that I never had them. I often write about the "touchy" subject on race because I think I was curious, but instead it could have been about my obsessions and compulsions. I think that I have largely overcome them.

At one time I had strong obsessive thoughts about race and racism. Now I don't as they were just annoying. I finally chose to embrace them. Now it seems that they are going away. I want to write about money, politics, art, crocheting, sports, pro wrestling, gardening, and maybe even cars and motorcycles, two things which I know almost nothing about. I want to learn things without having to worry about them. Please pray that I will keep my interest in other things and that I realize that I myself cannot solve the race issues in the world just by having these thoughts and compulsions. They are not as anxiety-ridden as they were yesterday.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Obsessive thoughts about race and racism

I spent a part of the afternoon trying to ignore thoughts and dealing with the thoughts about racism.  I am obsessed, not fixated, but obsessed with race, and it shows on my posts.  I am a person who does indeed have strong views about race and racism.  How much does it tie into classism?  Who is the racist here?  Am I the racist?  I don't think I myself am a racist but I realize that I choose to embrace the fact that I am not a racist, nor do I believe that I have racist tendencies.  I hope that I don't.  I believe that it all started with doing a genealogical search years back.  I found some interesting information about my family history and I didn't realize that that could have stopped it.  Then there was something I was watching on a talk show and they were talking about race and then I realize something then.  I had bothersome thoughts about racism even then.  I have had those thoughts for years.  I wonder about that.  I know it exists and sadly it is alive and well.  I don't think it will end until Jesus comes back.  I wish that we could all love and respect one another by the content of their character.  A lot my forum posts are about race and it hit me.  I have others that I wish to address, like politics, gardening, sports, and even know about money and cars.  I know that there is more to all of us, myself included, than the color of my skin.  I don't know or think that race should be a way to define who we all are whether it be talent or intelligence.  We are all humans with some talent and some intelligence.  I have wondered why I have thoughts about race and racism.  Just like the infidelity thoughts about infidelity, I choose to not be anxious.  I choose to embrace it.  I know I am not a racist.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Series of choices

I realize that I can choose to be anxious for the rest of my days.  I needed to do something to calm my mind down.  It happened Sunday when I realize that I chose to embrace the fact that I have crushes and obsessions.  I am and will not be, afraid of going back.  I choose not be afraid.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Waning thoughts

Choosing or making a plan not to feed the thoughts is quite difficult.  Trying to do so cold turkey seems almost impossible.  I have tried but failed.  The best I can do is to embrace whatever thoughts I have had.  The thoughts are waning, but I still have them.  My guess is that I will always have OCD. I still have concerns about the state of whether or not I am saved or I am lost.  I have made some good choices and I have made some bad choices.  The compulsions feed my obsessions but even those have waned a little bit.  I guess I will always wonder about that,too.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Embracing OCD

I have written and confessed what I have.  I realize that there is much to be wrong with me.  I have been obsessing over quite a few things such as infidelity and racism.  Well, I have OCD, and I finally choose to embrace it.  I hope that the thoughts continue to lessen, and I have hope.  I am ever hopeful when it comes to these things.  My crushes and obsessions are no more.  I finally realized that I have wasted so much time feeding into obsessions.  I have done so this morning.  I wasn't sure what to do except that I realize that it gives me a natural high.  It is rather deceptive that way because while it provides temporary relief, it feeds the thoughts.  It makes the thought thrive and thus lengthen the time it takes to exist.  I have finally learned that and now I realize that I have to stand up to the OCD bully.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Television and OCD

I am struggling with avoidance.  There are shows that I am missing on and movies that I wish to watch.  I am concerned about this.  I making television too important.  I now wonder if television is more than an obsessive thought.  I believe that anything that takes priority over God is or could be a form of idolatry.  I pray to study and read His Word as well as to pray daily.  I still have the compulsion of looking up information.  It is now getting more annoying and time consuming than anything.  I do have obsessive thoughts about television.  I do wonder if I am still going to make things better or worse.  I don't like what I have done or what I have done.  Television is safe for me. Maybe it is time I turn it off or watch safe programming.  Whatever I choose to do, I have to keep in mind that my choices may or will have an effect on me.  I get drawn to adultery, to movies, and to certain themes.  Maybe just maybe I should ask God if it is okay to watch a certain show.  I used to reject these shows because of my faith.  Maybe I should start watching that again.

Friday, March 13, 2015


I hate that I have made avoidance a part of my life.  A TV show or a movie makes me fearful.  I have this fear of another trigger.  The irony is I am getting better and do "research" on what makes me afraid.  There are things that I don't wish to see.  It is weird.  Even I admit that it gets strange.  I did some 'research' on divorce stories this morning involving celebrities.  Some celebrity divorces are amicable, while others are not so amicable.  I hate that kids are involved and seemingly treated like pawns instead of the human beings that they are.  I only have opinions on this, but divorce unless in the cases of adultery and abuse, seem rather selfish.  I have thoughts about why couples can't make it.Why can't they work it out?  How come love hurts and seems complicated?  I am not currently in a relationship, so I realize that I need to get it together.  I hope that I can get it all together before I am in a relationship.  I would like to have real friends and a person to love back.  I guess it is because I am self-conscious.  The whole thing about heterosexual relationships is that they are interesting. Why don't I find the same way about homosexual and bisexual relationships?  I realize that I am the one with the problem.  Maybe I have to learn to not avoid, but how do I do that?

Thursday, March 12, 2015

What am I afraid of?

What am I afraid of?  I am afraid of fictional characters who cheat.  I am afraid of a woman getting caught in the act.  I don't know why I feel this way.  I don't understand why I am so afraid.  I don't know why I have these thoughts about infidelity, even fictional characters.  I didn't always have those thoughts.  Right now, I am doing fine.  I guess it is because I am afraid.  I often hallucinate about my greatest fear, which is being bitten or being crawled on.  I am afraid of even writing what I am afraid of.  I am afraid of even the smallest one.  I hate being so afraid because of the fear.  How do I overcome that particular fear?  How do I avoid them?  Why am I so afraid?  There are questions that I have about them?  I wonder if there is an unfounded fear.  I am afraid that they will crawl on me. I see the evidence there which means it was there.  It has nothing to do with infidelity.  I will try to overcome them.  I will try to overcome the infidelity thoughts.  I am just afraid.  I have been in fear ever since I was a child.  I am saddened that I have this fear.  I look around and I see them, even if there is no evidence that they would exist.  I cannot take these hallucinations anymore.  I am afraid to go to areas where they may be at.  I isn't paralyzing but I am glad I have a cat in this situation even if he spends most of his time asleep.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Waning thoughts

I still have thoughts about infidelity and waning thoughts about religion today.  However, I am not bothered much by these thoughts.  Things have changed much and I am relaxed at this revelation.  I am happier now.  These thoughts are now waning.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

What can I do about them?

* changes need to be made
* next thing to do
* changed or not
* one thing to do

This is a condensed list of how I am to think about my thoughts and what to do about them.  My list is about what changes that I need to be made.  I think what needs to be changed is my mood and not to worry about them.  The next thing that I need to do is to calm down my mind.  What has changed is my mood and what has not changed is the fact that I need to embrace these thoughts.  Embracing my thoughts is quite hard to do.  The one thing that I must do is not to let it take over.  I have had thoughts about a lot of things, such as humiliated wives, promiscuous wives, and immoral activity committed by myself.  I have a lot of things on my mind and I need to realize that I have had compulsions that I need to overcome.  Yesterday I did research which is a compulsion of mine.  I tried to stop this compulsion but it can be obsessive in and of itself.  I realize that I do need to stop but I don't know how and that is what keeps the cycle going.  My goals are to meditate and to think on something else.  My life has been filled with obsessive thoughts about humiliated significant others, male and female, infidelity, religion, or whether or not I have done something wrong.  I believe that all things are possible.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Pure O

Being in pain I guess helped me to cope.  Having OCD is wondering about the crap (He'') my brain goes through.  I wonder if I have Pure O.  I would like to overcome it.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

How I'm doing

Today I am proud to say that I am born again, saved.  It has been scary for me because of the scrupulosity.  I was so scared and so worried about dying that I was praying that I would be alive.  I have much hope today.  My goal is to be a light to the world.  I still have thoughts but all will be okay since I my mind is calmer.

Saturday, March 7, 2015


I am glad to be saved.  Jesus Christ saved me.  OCD is a disease that is no joke.  I have had it for most of my life.  I felt scared of having scrupulosity.  It is something that made afraid of going to Hell.  The thoughts were easy to believe.  I was not sure if it was the OCD or if it was something else.

Friday, March 6, 2015

What is happening to me?

What is happening to me?  Right now, I am feeling better but I am still worried that I am not going to Heaven when I die.  I did something I should not have done.  I don't deserve it.  I feel so bad about what I did that I am afraid that it might keep me in Heaven.  I had thoughts about going to Hell. These thoughts are scary in themselves.  I hope to do better.  If I had the faith, then I wouldn't be going through this.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Scrupulous behavior

I am not feeling well.  I have been depressed over what I have done.  I don't deserve it.  I also have scrupulosity which is very hard.  I need help.  I know I need help.  I wonder if it is like obsessive thoughts about infidelity.  It is based on moral issues.  I ask for healing.  I am not sure if I am saved or lost.  My biggest fear is that I have not been saved by faith because I am clouded with so much doubt.  I am sure if it is the enemy or if it is a disease.  I am worried about it and there seems to be no end in sight.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Rough night

I had a rough night.  I wish that I am okay but I also wish that I could separate myself from the crush I had with another guy.  I have thoughts about divorce and losing another person.  I am here to say that though I thought I was feeling better, I had thoughts that were bothersome.  I mulled over them this morning.  It is about time that I fight and just let the thoughts pass.  That is something that I have to remind myself of.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Managing and removing myself from the situation

I am doing fine.  I am here to say that I am doing better.  I need to fight back against my thoughts or else I would be and feel defeated.  It is about time.  I have had those thoughts most of my life.  They come and go.  They range from infidelity of wives to the kind of  person I am.  The thoughts tend to loop and come and go.  I had thoughts also ranging from other people to racism.  They will never go away and I am here to say that it is also best to remove myself from the situation.  Let the thoughts pass.  Fight back.

Monday, March 2, 2015

The reality of having a thought, period

I am okay but I realize that I wake up with those thoughts in my head.  It goes away over time however.  I am not worried.  I am concerned about not being able to stop looking up and do research to find the answers that I so seek.  Maybe it is about time I see the thoughts for what they truly are. What are thoughts anyways?  If I knew the answer to that simple question then maybe just maybe I can beat this.  I want to be in the know because of these thoughts but at the same time ignorance is bliss.  It seems to be the very opposite of what is real.  I think that thoughts can be imaginary but real, or real but imaginary.  Either way, obsessive thoughts are thoughts than can be bullies but with all bullies they intimidate but they are really not that strong.  Fight back.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

TV Show "Satisfaction"

"Satisfaction" may be a good show overall but I don't plan to watch it.  I realize now that I will only be drawn to it.  I would like to watch a tv show or a movie but I tend to get nervous watching them. It wasn't always this way.  It was as if I had a normal life when it didn't seem to bother me.  However television and entertainment in general are now becoming obsessive thoughts.  Maybe I have to determine if I am just not interested or if it is bothersome.  It could also be that it is bothersome because I am bored by it.  I just wish that I didn't have those views that are so wrong and are seemingly so strong.