Friday, March 31, 2017

Colby Lopez/Tyler Black/Seth Rollins

It is one thing for a 16 year old girl to have a crush on a guy, but when a woman 35 year old woman has a crush, then it is going weird category.  As a woman over 40, I am not ashamed to write that I have a crush on a professional wrestler named Seth Rollins/Tyler Black.  He is only 30 years old and his attractive feature are his eyes.  I like a man's eyes.  I don't know if the eyes are a window to a man's (or woman's) soul, but when one has a crush on someone unattainable, chances are, one doesn't have a care in the world when it comes to them.  That is my view of Seth Rollins.  He is a talented wrestler whose voice I sound sexy.  He is a wrestler who I wish success and good luck.  As for a religious view, I am not so sure about having a crush, or in today's terms, crushing, on a guy.  For the first time in my life, I am not ashamed.  I am proud to write this because it is the truth.  I have wondered if a woman over 40, much less 21, can still have a guy crush.  I realize that a crush is romanticizing someone that chances are, I will never meet possibly in real life but having a crush is well worth the ride.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Ay okay

I have accepted the fact that I can crush on a guy.  I don't have to obsess over a guy.  I realize that I can either accept it or it will eventually upset me and control my thinking.  I'll be okay, because I am okay. There is no guilt here.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

I will be back.

I was and will be on a break until tomorrow.  I am okay and I will be back.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

How God truly sees me and how I finally see myself

Not since yesterday have I ever been truly at peace with myself.  I am beautiful, for that is how the Lord sees me.  I am smart, for that is how the Lord also sees me.  I am praiseworthy, for that is how God sees me, too.  I have changed for God has changed me.  He has given me peace and joy.  He has given me a peace I have never known.  He knows me and I now I am beginning to know Him.  Thank You, Lord, for You are most of all, worthy.  Thank You, Lord, for saving me.  Thank You, Lord, for making all things clear.  Amen.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

At peace

I had no idea how much I had changed.  I am just feeling so much better.  I am finally at peace. Lord, I thank You.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Being consistent and accepting

I have always been trying to do well, but the problem is, I give up too easily.  I have the problems of a lack of consistency and patience.  It can go a long way when it comes to my mind.  I suffer not only from anxiety, but also from bipolar disorder.  I have been diagnosed decades ago and I have learned to handle being mentally ill.  Mentally ill is something that was for a lack of better terms because I have anxiety and have dealt with the issues that come with those disorders.  Come to think of it, how do I learn to be consistent and strong enough to overcome what I need to overcome?

I have overcome one crush after another.  Sadly, when a person thinks they love that person, it is not always love, it is a crush.  One thinks they love someone, but how is it that a person that one has a crush on wishes to fantasize about that particular person?  My answer is to accept it.  I won't fight it. I just accept it.  I will never know him.  I fantasize about him, but I will never get to know him.,  I may get giddy, but realistically, it is best to talk to him or her and see them for who they truly are.  That is why it is hard for me to convince myself of that, but I finally realize that I should be and am in control, or at least I need to be.  Life is too short to be stressed out.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Positive vibes, all things considered

I hope to feel better about things today.  I had dealt with a headache and back pain today, but other than that, I feel just fine.  I am not really under the weather.  Mentally and emotionally, I feel much better.  I really am optimistic that things in those regards will be better.  That is basically all I have to write for now.  There really isn't much more I have to express.  Later.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Crushes, fantasies, and obsessions

Right now, I feel out of it.  That's what I get for losing track of time.  Wrestling is on but strangely enough, I feel like there are times that I have grown out of it only to be sucked back in.  I watched only a few minutes of it only to see footage of an update on Seth Rollins' condition.  I believe that maybe Seth Rollins is just a far away man that is just a close figment of my imagination.  I have to see what a crush is and can it turn into an obsession.  It doesn't have to.  It can just be innocent, kind of like Charlie Brown and his crush on the little red head girl.  I'm not in love.  Crushes trick people into thinking that they are in love, but they are love-fantasies, for a lack of a better term.  I now wonder what the Bible says about fantasies, crushes, and obsessions. Good idea

Monday, March 20, 2017

Binge Eating Confession

I  have a binge eating confession. Thursday was a horrible day health/fitness wise for me.  It all started when my alarm clock went off at 5AM for spin class.  Instead of turning it off and leaving my bedroom as I’ve done the past two weeks, I instantly convinced myself that sleeping until 7AM was a much better idea.  When my alarm clock went off at 7AM, I once again talked myself back into bed and reset my alarm for 7:45AM.  Had I followed my plan, I would have been finishing up spin right around the time that I actually woke up, 7:50AM.

For whatever reason I wasn’t all that hungry Thursday morning, so around 8AM I made myself a cup of hot coffee and ate the piece of biscotti I had purchased while at HLS last weekend.  But by the time I got to work I was starving!

One of the downsides to my job is that there is always free food around the office.  Thursday morning there happened to be a bagel breakfast with lots of leftovers so around 10:30AM I snagged a bagel thin (thank God they had these) and 2 big scoops of cream cheese.  By 11:30AM, I was ready to gnaw my hand off… the processed foods and carbs had not tied me over.

At 12PM, I was thrilled to be heading over to a working lunch.  The lunch was catered by Qdoba, a Mexican food restaurant similar to Chipotle.  I was a good girl and made 2 tacos with corn tortillas instead of flour, skipped the chips, and went light on the cheese.  I also added a half a scoop of rice to my plate and a full scoop of black beans.  As I reached the end of the buffet, there was a plethora of baked goods; cookies, brownies, and more cookies.  I picked up a large chocolate chip cookie and passed on the fruit tray on my way back to my seat (big mistake).

My tacos were super yummy and although I was completely satisfied, I went up for seconds.  I had another taco and grabbed a handful of chips, topped with steak and salsa.  After I finished my plate I ate my cookie and about 15 minutes later I went up for ANOTHER cookie!  I was out of control. I was so full but I just kept eating.

At 2PM I returned to my office, feeling incredibly guilty about my breakfast, lunch, and choice to skip spin this morning.  After work I went to target, which I talked about yesterday, but what I didn’t share was that I bought a jar of Nutella.

Now Nutella is one of the foods on my naughty list.  Do you have foods that are just never good to bring home because you have a tendency to overdo it when you have them?  I mean come on, who overdoes it with oatmeal or fruit? Nutella, Mint chocolate chip ice cream (specifically the keeblers grasshopper version by Turkey Hill), and Tostitos Lime Chips are just a few of my “no-no” foods.

When I got home Thursday night, around 7PM, I wasn’t hungry at all.  I was still full from lunch and even thought, “I don’t need dinner tonight” but then I though “I could use a little dessert”.  Ashley!  You totally had 2 desserts over lunch and a piece of biscotti for breakfast!  Do you really need dessert?

Why yes, yes I do I thought to myself…. I cracked open the jar of Nutella and had a few spoonfuls… and then I had a few more spoonfuls.

At 9PM my stomach started to growl, for who know what reason, so I heated up a piece of naan bread and gobbled that down.  With a dirty dish in hand I headed back into the kitchen to clean up my dinner… but couldn’t get my mind off of the Nutella hidden behind door number 3.  5 spoonfuls later, and by spoonfuls I mean heaping spoonfuls, I had reached the bottom of the jar.

I was disgusted with myself.   I had just eaten 8-9 servings of Nutella!  At least I saved the 10 serving though right?  With 200 calories per serving, I was looking at having just consumed 1600-1800 calories and 88-99 grams of fat.  Man, just writing that makes me sick!

Rest of blog article here

Saturday, March 18, 2017

"Keep Your Focus On Jesus" by the Chicago Mass Choir

Chorus:Keep your mind stayed on Jesus,keep your mind stayed on Him;no matter what you?re going through,I know He?s able to see you through,keep your mind, keep your mind,keep your mind stayed on Him.Verse:No matter what you?re going throughI know He?ll see you through.What He?s done for othersHe?ll do the same for you.(In all thy ways acknowledge God)(and He will direct your path);(keep your mind, keep your mind),(keep your mind stayed on Him).Vamp:Tenors:No matter what you?re going through,I know He?ll see you through.Altos/Sopranos: Yes, He?ll see you through,I know He?ll see you through.Ending:In all thy ways acknowledge Godand He will direct your path;(repeat as desired)keep your mind, keep your mind,keep your mind stayed on Him. 

Friday, March 17, 2017

Recap of this past week

A change in me
I am thankful to God that I have become more compassionate, understanding, and less selfish.  Being selfish, compassionate, and understanding means having more wisdom.  It means there is less of oneself as a fleshly being, for we are all fallible beings.  There is more of God.  I guess that there is a daily battle between spiritual and the natural.  It is a hard battle to fight.  I believe that it means that because the Holy Spirit is a part of creation and Jesus spoke of Him, who never speaks of Himself, then the Creation is greater than Satan because the Spirit indwells in us.  With time comes more wisdom.  I am getting better, but I have a long way to go.  It has been a struggle, but the struggle is more than worth it.

How Would I look with burgundy hair?

I am a person with curly hair, dark skin, and naturally black hair.  I wonder how I would look with burgundy hair.  I would like to know this.  I just feel like I needed a change.  I have thought about this for a while now.  I have wondered that what were to happen if I were to have a tongue ring or a nose ring.  I have just wanted to but didn't have the courage to, experiment.  Right now, having burgundy hair is just a way to experiment.  It isn't a radical experiment, but I believe that I could pull it off.

Exercise and the flawed mindset
I didn't like what I saw.  All I saw was a fat body filled with limitations.  I have an all-or-nothing mindset that needs to change.  I just want to be able to wear clothes that are much smaller and have confidence in myself.  I know that my thinking needs to change, but I didn't realize how bad things really are.  I often get scared to eat breakfast yet I always have a large lunch and a regular sized dinner.  However, I don't always spend days eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a few snacks a day.  I just wish I could.  Exercise is the same way.  I do see my body as having flaws and limitations. I feel like I am broken apart with all of the issues that I have.  It is not a good feeling to have.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

My Confession that needed to be made a long time ago...and others

I wrote my struggles with binge eating.  I have a problem.  There should be no shame in eating. There should also be no guilt when it comes to the love of good food.  However, I felt shame and guilt.  I stopped caring at some times and I think I'm hungry at other times.  I have low self worth and I often feel guilty about my weight, or at least feel guilty about gaining weight.  I had thoughts about wondering what were to happen if I had stayed on that diet, how I would look.  I often wished that I had stuck to this diet.  I felt bad about my body and deep down, I have since I could remember.  I dieted and lost and gained weight since I was in fourth grade.  I often weighed more than the other kids and was made fun of because of it.  I had friends and a social life, but I lacked confidence when it came to dating.  I never felt I was attractive enough.  I even hated looking at some of my pictures. Other people had great looking school pictures but I never thought I photographed well, not even til this day.  I wanted to change things for years, but now is the time to take a stand.  I am finally being honest and I am finally getting help.  I wish this could be a regular entry, but following a plan has been hard and creating a journal has been even harder.  I  am feeling so much better about things and about myself because for the first time, I am finally being honest with myself.

Reflections about my own life and being my age
Hi.  I am at an age where some may consider me middle aged.  Maybe true.  I can go far back enough to recall not having so many followers but had just friends.  Friends, true friends, may be a rarity but at least they are one of a kind...or two.  I had to go back too and wonder now if there are things I wish I had the foresight to do then that I want to do now.  Maybe I am not so young, but I am not yet in the stage where I am no longer in my prime years.  I am no longer a teenager, but I didn't grow up listening to 70s music as a child.  I grew up on the 80s and 90s and even they seem like simpler times.  John Cena probably was in diapers when Ric Flair and Steamboat had their first match. Seeing a celebrity walk down a parade because he or she had the number one show on television. Some of my favorite gadgets had nothing to do with websites.  Thankfully, there were no such thing as revenge porn, or videos where people are getting beat up posted online daily.  Life was simpler to me at least.  Sadly, there have always been criminals, racism, poverty, and politicians being all talk, sure. However, I remember being bullied in school and getting beaten by my parents.  By the time I was a teenager, all was forgiven.  Anyways, I turned out okay.  Thankfully, my mother never had to see me being exposed by a "friend", an ex, or have her expose me as a "bad kid" for all of the world to see.  I got hurt on the playground, kids were active, and grown ups didn't seem so agitated and so "PC" all the time.  I guess because I'm not a mom, I wouldn't know about worrying so much about my kids' safety.  But I do remember as a kid, my mom and dad were there and they did worry, and they did watch out and they did discipline my brother and me.  But life in general seemed different like almost yesterday.  I am just a grown up who had probably thought that this reflection of my life is like many others, is telling the truth, good, bad, and ugly.  But I was hoping that things would never change, but as I get older life is seen differently, but truth and memories, will always stay the same.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

A change in me

I am thankful to God that I have become more compassionate, understanding, and less selfish.  Being selfish, compassionate, and understanding means having more wisdom.  It means there is less of oneself as a fleshly being, for we are all fallible beings.  There is more of God.  I guess that there is a daily battle between spiritual and the natural.  It is a hard battle to fight.  I believe that it means that because the Holy Spirit is a part of creation and Jesus spoke of Him, who never speaks of Himself, then the Creation is greater than Satan because the Spirit indwells in us.  With time comes more wisdom.  I am getting better, but I have a long way to go.  It has been a struggle, but the struggle is more than worth it.

Monday, March 13, 2017

"Whatever Lola Wants"

  Sarah Vaughan (RIP)

 The Gotan Project

 Carmen McRae (RIP)

 Ella Fitzgerald (RIP)

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Fascinating songs

 "Comes Love" by Stacy Kent

 "Whatever Lola Wants" by Sarah Vaughan (RIP)

 "I mulini dei ricordi  " by Chiara Civello

 "Solitude" by Connie Evingson

 "Feeling Good" by Kellylee Evans

 "I Put a Spell on You" by Nina Simone (RIP)

 "Fever" by Peggy Lee (RIP)

 "Cry Me a River" by Ella Fitzgerald (RIP)

Saturday, March 11, 2017

8 Signs You May Have The Spiritual Gift of Discernment

What are Some Signs You May Have the Gift of Discernment?

1. Desire for the Gift

As with other spiritual gifts, desire is often the first sign of a gift of discernment of spirits (1 Cor 14:1).

You may have a longing to see people set free from demonic bondage.
You may want to be more effective in prayer and spiritual warfare
You may have a desire for holiness
You may simply be curious about the spiritual realm.
2. Love for God’s Presence

One of the benefits of having a gift of discernment of spirits is a heightened awareness of God’s Presence and anointing. A true discerner will have a passion for the un-grieved Presence of the Holy Spirit.

This is because—and I will continually reiterate this—the highest use of the gift of discernment is not to see what the enemy is doing, but to discern what the Spirit of God is doing.

3. Sensitivity to the Spiritual Atmosphere

You may be more sensitive to spiritual atmospheres than most other people. In the early stages of developing the gift, you may be affected adversely by the presence of any demonic activity in the environment around you.

The reality is that we live in a natural world and a spiritual world concurrently. In the Bible, when Jacob came across a group of angels, he named that place Mahanaim, meaning ‘double camp.’  (Gen 32:1-2)

Like Jacob realised, we also live in a double camp where there is constant spiritual activity, and discerners have spiritual senses that are attuned to this.

4. Feeling Different from Other People

Most people, even in church life, experience life through their natural senses. However, someone with an emerging gift of discernment of spirits can see and sense things that others do not see.

This ability can result in us feeling different, lonely or misunderstood at times, especially when starting out. It is vital that someone with a developing gift of discernment finds a safe place to journey with others who are similarly gifted and accountable in the life of their church.

5. Unusual Signs

It is not uncommon for someone who is gifted in discernment to experience unusual events or manifestations.

People who are incubating a discernment gift begin to see or feel things that others are not aware of. This may include unusual visions, dreams and sensations that alert them to what is happening in the spiritual realm.

6. Childhood or Pre-Salvation Signs

It is not uncommon to experience things relating to your gift even before becoming a Christian. Our creator-God prepares us for our calling and gifts from conception. Even when a talent or gift is misused, God can redeem it and anoint it for His use to serve Him and love and minister to others.

As a child I ‘saw’ things in the night and as a teenager was sensitive to the spiritual realm, sometimes encountering demonic spirits in my room or dreams. Later, as a fully committed Christian, God redeemed this spiritual sensitivity as a gift of discernment. I know Christians who have a gift of discernment who were drawn to New Age counterfeit gifts prior to becoming a Christian.

7. Ability to Know What Lies Behind a Person’s Words or Actions

Someone with a gift of discernment has the ability to see behind what a person is saying and presenting. You may know whether they are telling the truth or not. You may also recognise if someone is manifesting a demonic spirit and be able to identify what that spirit is.

If a prophetic or revelatory message is brought, a discerner can often tell whether it is anointed of the Spirit or from the speaker’s own heart.

This is not always the case, and as with other revelatory gifts such as prophecy, you will sometimes get it wrong or have incomplete discernment (1 Thess 5:19-21, 1 Cor 13:9-10)

8. Confirmation by Others and Leaders

You may have the gift confirmed through a prophecy given to you. My gift of discernment was identified through prophecy twice (perhaps this was because I was reluctant to accept it!)

However, the bottom line of the presence of any gift is that it is recognised and acknowledged by leaders in the church and that it is useful for its purpose—which is to help build up the church and bring people closer to Jesus.

When you submit what you are seeing or sensing, your leaders confirm your accuracy and your gift begins to be recognised for its effectiveness.

Whenever a gift is used to criticise or tear down a church, person or leader, you know it is being misused, or is simply a person’s hurt, frustration or agenda masquerading as discernment. Because these kinds of abuses are common and have brought disrepute to the gift of discernment, I will take some time over the next couple of posts to share how the gift of discernment can bring value to church life.

Discenrment link

Friday, March 10, 2017

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Male vs Female Dynamic; Is Chivalry Dead?

Is Chivalry Dead?

I was wondering this because while most men and women are courteous where I am from, I noticed that there are people who can be quite rude.  I am saddened at times that there are men and women who hate one another.  I don't respect male or female sexists.  I also don't appreciate men that kiss and tell.  I also don't appreciate that there are women who don't act like ladies by never saying thank you when a guy opens a door for her.  My question is, is chivalry REALLY dead?  If so, who killed it?

It makes me wonder what is happening to this world.  It can be generalized and certainly debated, but the debate is all about what I perceived is really going on.

I do believe that we live in a society where looks, social status, self-satisfaction, and sexuality have become more important than character, faith, love, modesty, and dignity. We have become judgemental, disrespectful, less than respectable, crass, vulgar, and just plain immoral. I was just wondering if you have something to add about it. Maybe I just have opinions about things or the fact that I would like to have a family of my own one day do play a role in it. It could also be that in the past I have tried to avoid the issue of women's infidelity altogether. Not because I think women are more moral, but because I have noticed that many women, espcially between 18-44 have become more crass, vulgar, less gracious, thankful, and humble.

I am personally concerned that we have a generation or two in which many women care more about how many men they have, have become less nurturing,less loving, less faithful and dignified, and extremely troubled, unappreciative, and arrogant. Sorry to be so harsh, but that is true. Meanwhile, we have a generation or two of men who are either mysoginist barbarians, ignorants, feminized, suicidal, angry, entitled, dead, or in jail. Maybe

I am being harsh or oversimplifying things, but I guess that is why my obsessions center around sex and religion. I have spent time trying to put my troubles and obsessions in perspective and finding some distractions along the way. Over the last few days things have improved. My concerns are not as strong as they once were. I cannot believe all that I have written in that in a way, they help to explain why I have this disorder or at least these obsessions.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Interracial unions

Interracial unions

I have no issue with interracial relationships.  Why is there such a difference?  What difference does it make?  There is racism in the world and that is why it matters to so many, including myself.  I am hypocritical in my views because I feel that exclusively mating out of one's race is not something that I would do because I will mate with someone within my race just as much as I would of another race or ethnicity.  My views are of a personal preference. Also,  I don't feel one has to explain why someone is in a relationship with someone who is of a different race or ethnicity.  I believe that a person will find those same characteristics that one looks for no matter what the race, color, or ethnicity.

It is sad that many people think they are ungodly or just unlawful.  That has happened in this country and it is so sad because a chunk of the US population were viewed as second class citizens and were treated as such.  They were considered lesser than the majority and some of that mindset and the racial hatred still remains in all races.  How the US systematically and stereotypically treat people is nothing short of a sin.  It is wrong. I have my pet peeves, yes, such as the racial confusion of the kids due to these unions.  What is really confusing them in my eyes is the racist attitudes of those who are against interracial unions, not the parents, but the racism that exists in our society.

There is also nothing biblical against interracial unions.  Israelite men were to put away their foreign wives not because of their race or nationality, but because of the paganism that existed in those nations.  The point is, we are not to be unequally yoked.  An unbelieving spouse could end up being a negative influence on the believing spouse.  Yet a believing spouse could also be a good influence on the unbelieving spouse.  That is how I view interracial unions.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

My crush of the week:

I am the first person to admit that I have a crush on Seth Rollins.  Will he stop looking so hot?