Thursday, April 30, 2015

A Letter to God

Dear Heavenly Father,
There really isn't that much that I know of that I have to say. I prayed two long prayers and I do tend to loop even when I'm laying down. I admit that I have a crush on someone who has died. I know all of us will die and have to meet with You face to face one day. I do hope that He has made it. I am shy and I rather not say what His name is for fear that others may read it.

I don't care if others know that I have a crush on him, I really don't. However, it is about the fantasy world that I have created for myself. No matter what my reasoning is, the fantasy world gives me comfort and shelters me from the real world. As I have mentioned, the real world can be a cruel place. I am not sure how I will cope in the real world, yet I admit that sometimes I am more resilient and independent than I think. I am the kind of person who doesn't know her own strength.

Maybe that is the problem. I have such great insight into what is going on with me along with my flaws and my strengths that I just don't take the time to get to know me and who I am. How do I change things? How do You want me to change things? I just don't know. I am a shy person who likes to keep to myself and mind my business as I have done so today. Being nosy just doesn't work for me anymore as even the slightest bit of curiosity can trigger a series of bothersome obsessive thoughts.

I have had this issue for many years. It all started with reading a book review and some gossip, at least that is when things officially got worse. I have had this problem longer than that. I wonder if emotional and psychological issues are or have been my crosses to bear for all of those years. I wonder if I were bipolar, how would my life had turned out? Would I have been less suicidal? Would I not have any bothersome obsessive thoughts? I had some in high school and it was filled with regret.

All I do is try to reason things out and check and check some more and check some more. It can be very annoying and it can drive me crazy. Yes, I have OCD, but I have realized that I have yet to fully embrace it like I thought I did. Maybe that is the struggle. I will never truly accept or embrace that I have OCD and that there is no cure. This will always be a part of my life that I have to deal with, like being bipolar or having diabetes. I prayed for a miracle, but what is it You have in store for me? I ask that You would bring me out of my stress? OCD has caused me a lot of stress over the years...and a lot of anxiety.

I have had crushes on people, including celebrities, living and/or dead, obsessions with people, and moral or religious issues. I also wonder if my life will always be a series of obsessive thoughts that will go round and round. I also wonder if everything that I do will always be about the OCD, with all of the checking and with all of the compulsions. The thoughts are annoying but how can I get over the compulsions? When can I truly say that I don't care anymore, I give up, and after that, I just move on and move on for real? It will never be an issue in my life ever again.

Right now, I have "dealt" with not only my issues, but other people's as well. Cheating is wrong, period. There is no excuse for it. It is selfish, dishonest, and cowardly. I wonder why a person would commit such an act if they truly claim to love or respect their spouse when they don't honor their marriage vows or even themselves. I wonder how many people they have slept with. I like or check on stories of women in particular, committing infidelity. Ironically enough, it gives me a rush that I realize I don't really want or need. It is like the cycle of life, but more cruel and more vicious.

I have issues, yes, with bullying and with weight issues. Sometimes I wish I could obsess over other issues. I wish I have that choice, but I don't. It is as if the OCD has a personality that has taken a life on its own. I live in fear and doubt because of the OCD and I just cannot take it anymore. It can be too much to bear. It latches on to the fears, doubts, questions, and cares of my life. It is as if I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and on my mind. I would like to stop reasoning, having compulsion, and "deal" with the thoughts at hand. Help me, Lord. Show me what to do and help me to focus on what I need to focus on.

In Jesus' name,


Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Accepting and embracing thoughts about infidelity

Today I realize that it is best to tackle fear head on. As someone who is a bipolar with anxiety issues, it is much harder to do than most. It is as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have allowed these thoughts and fears to take over and I mean take over. It doesn't help that I have quite a few struggles including how I feel about myself. Is there a link between anxiety and how one feels about themselves? I do and now I wonder if I had dealt with the anxiety then I would like myself more. Maybe there is no link at all. I don't know.

That is how I feel meanwhile about why I have obsessive thoughts about infidelity at all. The truth is, I will never know. The best thing to deal with these thoughts is to accept the fact that I have them. I have my own thoughts about infidelity and I do come across as a hypocrite since according to the thoughts, a promiscuous wife is no wife at all. She is selfish and contemptible. I don't think of the cheating man in the same way as it is in his DNA. Men usually cheat more than women.

However, reality says different. Men and women cheat. While most women and men are faithful, I focus on those who have committed infidelity. I have to fight these thoughts daily. I am afraid of the triggers. The anxiety and the fear has had a control over my life for many years. It all started out within the past decade. Things have changed. My health has gotten worse, and my self-esteem lowered and I became more self-conscious. On the other hand, I became older, wiser, and more spiritual. If I could embrace aging then I could embrace anything. How hard can it be?

It has been hard to say the least. How can reconcile reality and how I feel about infidelity to what my mind says to me? It has been hard for me to reconcile fact from fiction. For example a fictional wife is caught in bed with another man, therefore I hate her and the person who plays her. The stories of actual cheating wives don't bother me anymore. OCD makes no sense and it probably never has. Trying to apply logic to OCD is impossible. The best thing I can do is not only to face the fear head on but to not rationalize or fight but to embrace it as a thought that goes against all that I have and all who I am. I have to just see it as a thought, nothing less, nothing more.

I know that infidelity is wrong and it is a selfish, sinful act in which there is no justification. I realize that one doesn't have to be pure evil or immoral to do wrong. On the other hand, it doesn't make one a good person either. I am not saying that adulterers are all evil, but if that were the case, so are the rest of us. I too am an adulterer. I am unfaithful, selfish, and have done some evil, cowardly things in my life. For example, a man who has said that his dead wife slept with everyone. I can dismiss it as a thought and that she did not literally sleep with everyone, but she should not have cheated with so many people. If the person was a man, then I would say the same thing. Having said all of that, maybe I should take the time to write out those thoughts and then replace them with what is real and what is mundane and what is true. What is true is that like Gomer and the adulteress in John 8, the two guilty women were redeemed and that unrepentant sinners like adulterers do not spend eternity with God. What is also true is that like the adulterer we all are against the Lord. I could just replace these thoughts with true thoughts that express what I feel about the situation and how I truly feel about said adulterer. I thought about it this morning and I realize some strategy has be be used to view the thoughts as illogical and something to embrace. It is hard to explain but the strategy is to not to let the fear and anxiety take over. I hope this "strategy" works.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The "OCD Persona"

My life has been one big obsession after another after another after another.

The OCD is not just an annoying issue, but seemingly a part of me. I need to be careful because the "personage" of the OCD has been around for a long time. It has become a part of my identity and it scares me. I don't feel guilty about that, but I do feel as if it does control my life. It makes me wonder about my identity. I know it is not me as a whole person, but it is the OCD "persona".

I find myself caring about what the OCD "persona" thinks and it has influenced my beliefs. That is what concerns me. I wish I could get over it and move forward but I cannot, because it is just not that simple. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to not have an obsessive thought for just one day. It would be a great day of relief. However, if they were gone, now what?

I cannot imagine my life without this "persona" yet I wonder what kind of person I would be without it. I have had it for so long I cannot comprehend not the relief but just the freedom that it comes without the thoughts and the compulsions. I wish I didn't care about a book written, a celebrity divorce, or a celebrity crush or obsession. I wish that I didn't care about a woman who is cheating, a person, living or dead, or even a kidnapped baby. Those things I find upsetting and sometimes incredibly sad that people would do such horrible things. I guess those are the things that the "persona" wants me to think. But what do I want to think? What should I care about? I just hate having to live the alternatives to the "persona" because even then, do I feel like having been controlled by the "persona".

The "persona" has taken a life of its own for years and I felt like it is my fault for keeping it alive. I have had symptoms of both OCD and bipolar for many years; I wonder if I were to have known about things earlier how different would things have been. Sadly, I will never know.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Repost from 4/25/15

I still have to deal with the compulsions and looking up information. I wish I could just stop it and not give in.  I mind the compulsions even less, though.  I will always thoughts and thoughts do come (which felt so discouraging at times).  The reality is, what discouraged me is really what encouraged me.  I have thoughts and I have learned to count my blessings.  I am still anxious about things but even that has become more manageable.  I would love to live at least a day where I can be "free" from the daily cares, anxieties, and obsessive thoughts.  I would also like to cherish these thoughts by accepting them and by embracing them.  That is my goal.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

I have a lot of good news...

Not even yesterday was there too much to tell.  That was why I put up a quote.  Yesterday was one of those days that I just rushed in just so I can fill up "blog space".  I have more than one blog and it can be difficult to keep up at times.  The blogs are about how my day is, reflections, etc.  In short, they are just about me and who I am.  Right now, I am writing about having Obsessive compulsive disorder.  It can be a pain to deal with.  It can also be annoying...quite annoying.  I used to name the other "persona" because it felt like I was another person different from who I am.  I hated that other "persona".  I just called her the "OCD Persona". I even described it, or rather her. It was as if I had another personality that was in my head. She was hard to get rid of.  It was really about me and my own issues in the end.  While I am doing so much better and it has gotten more manageable, I am not out of the woods yet.  I still have to deal with the compulsions and looking up information. I wish I could just stop it and not give in.  I mind the compulsions even less, though.  I will always thoughts and thoughts do come (which felt so discouraging at times).  The reality is, what discouraged me is really what encouraged me.  I have thoughts and I have learned to count my blessings.  I am still anxious about things but even that has become more manageable.  I would love to live at least a day where I can be "free" from the daily cares, anxieties, and obsessive thoughts.  I would also like to cherish these thoughts by accepting them and by embracing them.  That is my goal.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

A good or bad thing

Today there isn't much to tell.  That is a good thing.  I have better understanding on how to manage my thoughts.  My obsessions have lessened and so have my compulsions.  I still wonder about cheating spouses, especially in certain situations.  Some situations still worry me because they are a bit scary but even those are disappearing.  I am feeling so much freer.  That is the thing that concerns me.  Now what?  How am I going to wake up every morning knowing how free I am?  I feel like I don't want to jinx myself every time I admit something.  The last time I felt freer was the time when I couldn't take it anymore.  It took a while but I have realized that I have learned to accept it.  I realize that for now, I am okay and I will be okay.  The scariest part for now is that I have to look around the corner since the OCD thoughts arrive so suddenly.  I just hope that I don't forget how to deal with the struggle of having OCD.  It has been a long time coming.  I feel normal again.  For the first time in years, I am not yet 100%, but I feel so much better and so much more confident.  I am truly okay.  I can finally say that with a clear mind.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Could have been a re-post of yesterday

I am a spiritual person.  I believe in prayer.  I believe that Jesus is Lord.  Being a believer is not hard.  It is dealing with OCD that is tough.  I had to struggle with having these particular thoughts for many years.  The truth is, I have to embrace or rather, accept them.  That is the real struggle.  While I do wish they would go away and not have any compulsions, I realize that reacting to those thoughts in a negative way may actually feeding those thoughts.  I admit that I have tried a lot of things, if not everything.  I still have my fears, annoyances, and doubts.  I would like to be able to accept that not only do I have this issue, but to embrace it.  That means what?  I hope the answer will not be an uncertain one.

Today is or was the same as yesterday.  This could be a re-post of yesterday.  I realize that I have to accept the fact that thoughts will come.  I also have to guess that anxiety will come.  I cannot shield myself off from the world.  I have to face it and break the cycle.  It is an ever going cycle that does not change.  The cycle is quite predictable as well as the thoughts.  However, not even that makes it any easier.  I believe that  prayer changes not just the circumstances, but the person who prayed.  Honesty and truth are the best prayers.  I guess that I have to embrace it, which means that I finally have.  I believe that it is about how to react to the thoughts.  Will they be scary? How much anxiety will they produce?  Will the compulsions ever go away? Will I ever get rid of this thing?  I guess in order to accept this disorder I will have to accept the facts about the OCD and to not try to fight this thing.  I have begun to grow tired of these thoughts anyway.  Hopefully that means that I finally won, but how do I know if a new set of thoughts will return?  How will I be able to accept them?  Will I embrace them?

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Embracing or accepting the OCD

I am a spiritual person.  I believe in prayer.  I believe that Jesus is Lord.  Being a believer is not hard.  It is dealing with OCD that is tough.  I had to struggle with having these particular thoughts for many years.  The truth is, I have to embrace or rather, accept them.  That is the real struggle.  While I do wish they would go away and not have any compulsions, I realize that reacting to those thoughts in a negative way may actually feeding those thoughts.  I admit that I have tried a lot of things, if not everything.  I still have my fears, annoyances, and doubts.  I would like to be able to accept that not only do I have this issue, but to embrace it.  That means what?  I hope the answer will not be an uncertain one.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Adultery Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,
The same grace You extended to the adulterous woman in John 8 is the grace You extended to me. Thank You for saving me and for Your mercy as well. Today I realized that I am not totally well and that is a sad thing. Maybe I thought I was okay but I am not. I overate, and I did things I knew were wrong and for that, I am sorry. I am guilty and I don't feel good about what I did. Forgive me of those sins. Now I understand what Jesus meant when He said to go and sin no more. He extended love, grace, and respect to a woman who was humiliated and degraded because of how she was treated by the Pharisees. I have wondered about this woman. Was she a married woman? Did she sleep with married men? Was she a prostitute? Was she promiscuous? I have realized something about myself and that is not something

I am proud of. I want to change because I know I need to change. I have allowed the "Persona" to take over at times. I am just as judgmental as she is of women who cheat, but not of men who do the same thing. Despite my views, I know that they were wrong. Both sexes who cheat are wrong, but I realize in my mind and in my heart that no matter who they sleep with, how many they sleep with, and why, You forgive those who have repented and judge those who don't. I know that Jesus will one day judge us all and I need to realize those things.

Life is too short for me to concentrate on something that I actually have never experienced. Help me to count it all joy during times like these. How do I count it all joy? I have obsessive thoughts still but I have to see that a promiscuous person is not deserving of salvation, but neither am I. No one deserving of salvation, but Jesus died on the cross for us all, whether it is someone like me or a promiscuous married woman. I will never know and that is what is bothering me. I tend to make a big deal over whether or not a woman who is married is promiscuous or will get caught in the very act. But You died for promiscuous spouses just like You died for me. Help me to keep that in mind. Also, help me keep in mind that who I am obsessing with may be rare and I tend to think about the worse case scenario.

What scares me is that the wife would be an uncaring, unloving, narcissistic, or shallow spouse who has at least one or many affairs. I excuse spouses who cheat for some reason. No man or woman should cheat regardless of the reason. I am wrong for that as well. I need to count it all joy. I ask that You would remind me that You will arrive for Your church and that You would judge all of us soon or at least quickly. I fear promiscuity in wives and that is none of my business what others do. I feel like a nosy neighbor who wants to know everything about everybody and the truth is, I will never know and that is bothersome to me. I want to know all of the details. Lord, remind me that the truth is, it is okay that I will never know. Doing "research" is a total waste of time. I want to get better.. Lord, heal me. I thank You for Your healing touch.

In Jesus' name,


Sunday, April 19, 2015

Is it okay to be uncertain and does it really matter to be uncertain?

Sports and some rest are great for me. I realize that I have to accept the fact that the answers that I so seek are not the answers that I so seek. In short, a little bit of uncertainty is okay. I have to fight. I need to stand up to the OCD. It is a bully that has almost brought me down this morning. However, for the past few days, I had sleep disturbances. I will never know why I have these thoughts. I realize that I will never know. It no longer matters. Now I can say that as far as the content of specific thoughts, it doesn't matter. I am a bit anxious, but since I have slept and since I had this realization, my anxiety is going away. It is slow, but it is finally going away. The images are based on thoughts that don't affect me personally. I am saddened that like so many people, I get caught up on things of the world including television. I have to learn not to do that especially with talk shows or with fiction. This is not real. I know this but my mind says it is real and I have to do research and look up message boards in order to find the answers that I "need" because of the uncertainty. I will never be certain of everything, and that is okay. Having this mindset and learning to embrace this disorder will help me in the long run. It could even improve my sleep. I choose not to be anxious. I choose to embrace the OCD. I choose not to see fiction as reality so that it is not blurred. I choose not to take things so personally. I also choose to accept that I won't be able to find the answers to everything. I guess I can repeat all of that. I am feeling better already. I finally seem to have a good handle on the situation.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Healing of OCD

I have prayed to be healed of OCD.  It has been 8 years since the obsessive thoughts first arrived.  While things have improved, it has been frustrating.  I am still having thoughts about infidelity.  The only thing that I am afraid of is the fact that there will be another sudden thought that will "inflict" me or keep me from being "free".  I feel freer than I have been in a long time.  I don't desire to manage the thoughts and compulsions. I wish to be healed.  It has been a long time.

Friday, April 17, 2015

I can deal with OCD better

I have chosen not to allow the anxiety to take over. I have also chosen to embrace the OCD, which has been a hard thing to do. I feel so much better. It can be anxiety-ridden ironically but letting the thoughts pass is the answer. I have had thoughts about crushes on dead guys, infidelity, and babies being stolen or mothers losing their babies. It is sad yet strange. Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I prayed this morning. I prayed for God to help me to do what is hard, at least for me. Letting go of anxious thoughts is hard. I hope to continue this for me so I remain hopeful. I have had ocd for years now. Now I wonder now how to distract myself. My mind is clearer and I feel so much better. However I have a long way to go. Please pray for me that I would receive great encouragement and that I would deal with anxiety.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Music and thoughts

Music certainly soothes the savage beast.  Right now I am listening to a song from the 1980s.  It is called "Electric Avenue" by Eddy Grant.  I believe it was from the early '80s, I am not sure.  It was, and still is, a great song. Lately, I have having the same thoughts ranging from infidelity on television (again) to whether or not I behaved so badly towards a child.  It is as if I cannot hear or at least process what others are saying over the phone.  I realize or know that something is definitely wrong with me.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

I am okay when it comes to the thoughts.

I am okay.  Well, I am okay as far as the thoughts go.  Actually whatever thoughts I had have made me depressed.  I guess writing helps with the thoughts as well as the depression.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Reflecting on what has happened since my confession

Yesterday I thought I was being honest.  The truth is, I was being honest.  It was also a day of awakening. I can reflect back on those times when I had no thoughts which are rare.  I can also reflect on thoughts when they scare me, which is a lot.  The compulsions no longer bother me.  The obsessive thoughts seem to come and go.  I have finally realized that it depends on how I react to them.  Accepting them has been difficult. Maybe that it was this was about.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Confessions about giving in to compulsions

I confess. Looking up stuff is temporary pleasure.  It gives me something to do, ironically.  I know I should not feel this way, but that is a case of me being honest.  I also realize that if I were have a bothersome thought then the compulsions would help me in a strange way.  I do however question if I will ever know the answers.  I keep telling myself that it does not matter, but the issues do matter.  I am not that proud of it but that is the way I tend to live out my days.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Cheating thoughts

Sleeping with half or the entire team is something that I look for.  It is crazy but it is true. It is so crazy and so sad that she has cheated okay, he.  Cheating is wrong and there is no excuse for it.  If I were to cheat, then it would have to be because of a lack of communication or something wrong not with the relationship, but the person who has cheated.  It is so sad that I have thoughts about cheating on people, especially if it is women who cheat.  Life is just too short for that.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

What ails me

I'm having the realization that for now, I am not free of the obsessions and the compulsions.  I realize that that is how I deal with things that determine how bothersome they are.  In short, my reaction to the thoughts play a role.  I had to realize that today.  I cannot react to just any thought or any fear.  I realized that whatever is ailing me, I have to see that I have to confess and to be honest.  I am okay for now, because I am embracing the thoughts.  I no longer have most of the same thoughts that I do anymore.

Friday, April 10, 2015

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?  I realize that with "freedom" comes responsibility.. Now I am getting it.  I have to fight continually.  I love this freedom that I have.  I longed for this day, and I will fight for it.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

I will be fine..

OCD can be demoralizing.  However, because of the "freedom" that I have, the compulsions no longer bother me as much.  It is a good thing to not let the thoughts bother me.  I hope that the compulsions go away.  Maybe they will one day.  I still look up information but the compulsions aren't too bad.  I am glad that the compulsions hopefully will go away.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015


The obsessive thoughts are finally gone.  Now it is the compulsions that I have to deal with.  Sad, huh?

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

My concern

My concern is well-founded.  I cannot believe that I am scared of what I have watched on television. I am worried about that.  I am worried now that thoughts will arrive any day now.  What is next?  I mean what will be next?  What will I obsess about?  What do I obsess now?  I don't wish to obsess about anything anymore.

Monday, April 6, 2015

I am free but concerned

I feel so much better than I have in years.  I am, however, am looking for the next sudden attack. It is as if I have to look over my shoulder.  That is scary in itself.  I don't know what the next trigger will be.  I can only guess.  I also can only hope.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

I feel free today.

I am feeling so much better.  I haven't had any thoughts about infidelity in the past day or so.  I cannot believe that I am finally free of this.  I guess God and a good cry are so helpful to getting rid of obsessive thoughts.  So far, I no longer have fears about infidelity.  I just feel like those thoughts are things of the past.  However, this freedom has me worried.  What if?  What if the thoughts come back?  They arrive all of a sudden.  That is what worries me.  Should I be worried?

Friday, April 3, 2015

A lesson learned

I feel so much better since my session.  I can separate myself from the obsessions and the compulsions.  Why?  Because I am not my obsessions or compulsions.  I will never know why I have these thoughts but at least I am comforted in knowing that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter.  Nothing matters, except for what is in front of us.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I was a bit bummed this morning.

I did watch the show I was trying to avoid.  I made the mistake of assuming that all of that will be over.  In fact, it has made my anxiety worse.  However, talking about it to my mother has helped. Having an actual conversation works.  My advice is not to be ashamed to talk to someone who is trusting about what is going on. I however woke up bummed.  It came and went.  I also have thoughts on being an adulterous wife myself.  In a way those are based on ruminations and they are also a way of coping with the obsessive thoughts that I have.  I have a crush on a young guy and he plays my husband.  Sadly I rather not give all of the details.  It is necessary to say that I am not crazy and I choose not to be anxious about it, I also choose to cry about it.  My hope is that I will get better and more free.  I hope and pray that it will not be a dream.