Saturday, February 28, 2015

The "Root" of my issues

It is best to ignore those thoughts.  Say them out loud.  Try to not let the triggers get to you.  Let the thoughts pass.  Maybe it is even better if I don't talk about them.  I guess they are all residues of past thoughts that have bothered me.  I think it is a tacky for a man or a woman to expose or humiliate their exes.  Writing a book about one's life is one thing but to post a nude picture of a cheating male or female in order to humiliate them is tacky and it is wrong.  It makes me wonder sometimes if having a relationship is worth it.  Then again, I am not in a relationship, what do I know?  I am only an armchair quarterback when it comes to these matters.  I want to fall in love with a wonderful man, marry him, and have kids with him.  I will be faithful, honest, kind, and overall a good wife to him. I would expect him to be a good husband to me.  I am only basing my opinions and views on my life and the role models I have had.  My parents were happily married for 23 years before my father died when I was 12.  I don't know of anything else, so I guess I know what not to do and how not to conduct myself in a relationship.  Maybe that is why I have those thoughts.  The idea of sin seems exciting and hearing about them is exciting.  It is a good topic of conversation.  However, it doesn't make it right and now I feel like I bear the consequences of that curiosity.  The curiosity has become compulsive and gossip is something that I now avoid.  Infidelity is wrong.  Keeping it going and not dealing with it head on is just the wrong way of going about things.  I am writing about all of this because writing is cathartic and I am tired of having these thoughts in my head.  Exposing them helps me to see that I don't have to take everything so personally.  That has been my problem.  Socially I am lacking.  I am not in a relationship and I don't have kids, not to mention my biological clock is ticking.  Yep, I definitely have got to get out more.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Moral and sexual issues

Having one's life published on the internet with consent is one thing but having that done without one's consent is humiliating.  I think that people who do this to their exes, male or female are despicable in my eyes.  Posting nude photos and sexual videos of them is disgusting in my eyes.  It is exploitation plain and simple and it could lead to more exploitation.  My thoughts tend to go to the heart of the matter.  Why do men and women seem to hate one another?  It is an exaggeration but some men do hate women and some women do hate men.  I believe that we live in a culture that doesn't celebrate life.  We preach tolerance, love, and respect but it is increasingly becoming more hypocritical, racist, sexist, and ungodly.  I guess that it is the scrupulosity in place.  I didn't think about this often whenever I think about it but it is so sad that chivalry seems to be dying a slow painful death.  Men were to be gentlemen but ladies were also supposed to be ladies.  Being a lady is a virtue and so is being a gentlemen.  Whatever happened to modesty, integrity, and a modicum of respect between the sexes?  I realize that obsessive thoughts are often exaggerated thoughts and that they exaggerate real life, but it seems to have a point.  I guess I can only say that when it comes to moral issues.  I just wish that men and women could just get along better.  Ladies, when a man holds a door for you, thank him.  Men, when a woman is faithful and loves you, love her in return.  Is that really too hard for some people?

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Living with ocd

Is there anything that doesn't spike a new thought?  Anyways, I try to not let things get to me. However, that is easier said that done.  I haven't tried hard enough or tried at all.  I guess.  Many times I have wondered if I only I could have tried or why do I give in.  If I already know the answer then it is best to remind myself that I know it and move on.  I know who I am and I have goals in mind.  I wish I could just let the thoughts pass but it has been hard.  Performing compulsions or doing research to find the answer is a temporary answer but the permanent answer is to let the thoughts pass and realize that not only do I have the answer, if I have one, but to remind myself that an answer isn't all to be all.  I have had thoughts about a number of things, such as divorce, infidelity, racism, and scrupulosity.  I have to realize when things get bad is that the thoughts will too pass.  Wow.  That is a whole lot of reminding.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Caring what others think as a spike

The good news is I haven't had many thoughts today.  However, anything can be a trigger, including a book.  I am having images that scare me because they take me back to a time when I was trying to overcome obsessions.  The truth of the matter is, what triggered those obsessive thoughts was reading comments from other people.  I am so curious as to what other people think.  The truth is, is that some things are sacred and should be left sacred.  Other people's opinions should never matter for that is all they are, opinions.  I have one and so do every one else.  The best I can do is to let the thoughts pass and embrace the obsessive thoughts and embrace other people even if I don't agree with their opinion. I had to learn that today.  It doesn't matter if the person is fictional or real an opinion is not a fact.  Some people see things differently from others and that is why forums are created.  No two people are exactly alike.  The world would be a boring and a more annoying place if all of us were the same.  I don't want to go back to the times when I am stuck on the opinions of others as if they are facts.  What matters to me is that I have my own opinions of things and keep to those opinions.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Priorities: Entertainment choices

I have prayed for healing for the obsessive thoughts and mood swings that I deal with on a daily basis.  While it is true that the OCD is not about who I am it is a part of my life and it does exist.  I would like to imagine my life without OCD.  Why can't I imagine men and women falling in love, getting hitched, having kids, and living happily ever after?  They are the complete opposite of how things really are since many people divorce or breakup.  My thoughts are about reality yet fantasy annoys me.  I cannot watch a movie or tv show without having to wonder about the realities of a fictional character.  I have become afraid of a spike.  I guess it is is time I stop procrastinating. Maybe it is time for me to no longer be afraid of a spike, even if it is a show that I would't normally watch. Most tv shows don't interest me and neither do a lot of movies or books.  I have gotten interested in more movies, books, and tv shows than ever yet I still find myself drawn to them.  That is an issue: the OCD has become more of a guide than the Holy Spirit and my own self.  I have lost interest in what I watch on tv and that is that.  The thoughts have something to do with it but the shows of old have gotten more interesting over time.  I have watched the "Walking Dead" and I do get to watch "Glee", but that is about it.  "Blue Bloods" looks to be a good show as well, but I cannot get into it.

As a matter of fact, I find much of the television landscape boring.  I do like to watch sports and pro wrestling every once in a while.  But my tv viewing habits have changed.  I have changed and I believe that I can change again.  My mind is slowed down now which is good and I still do watch tv but even tv and the internet have become more or less areas of safety with which to guard again spikes.  How do I deal with the spikes?  How do I deal with avoidance?  What is the difference between healthy avoidance and just plain avoidance because of a fear of spikes?  I realize that I take too much stock into tv and movie watching, at least mentally.  I place way too much importance into whether or not an episode of "Modern Family" has an adulterous character compared to what my glucose reading says this afternoon.  I believe that my priorities have been out of whack for a while now.  My health is far more important than what it on tv or in the movies.  My entertainment choices will come and go but my health will remain and hopefully for the better.  Now having said that I am glad to have written this down so at least now I can get my priorities straight.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Another perspective on having OCD

Who am I to judge?  Right now that is how I feel.  Who am I to judge people who I don't know?  That is how I feel right now.  If a wife dies does any cheating that she did have something to do with it. There is a missing woman in Florida who met a man at a bar.  She was estranged from her husband and she met a man at a bar.  That in itself is a spike.  I feel like a detective but it is only the OCD "talking".  So how do I shut it up?  How do I keep the spike from evolving into a thought into a compulsion that will only relieve me of my anxiety temporarily.  OCD is a cyclical disease.  I have to admit that I had learned a lot about myself from having this disorder and I even "enjoyed" some of the moments I had with the "OCD Persona".  Why?  It relieved my anxiety if only for a moment. It can be torturous because at time it is torturous.  My goal is to stop the cycle of OCD.  How do I stop the compulsions; how do I not act on them? It would be nice if I...maybe that is the problem.  It is about control.  I want to be in control but with the OCD it is hard.  The best thing I can do is to give up control and let the world be the world and let me be me.  How then do I just allow the thoughts to pass?  I just have so many questions.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Infidelity and uncertainty

Today I have been having thoughts about a woman who has been cheating on her husband with other men.  The woman is surprised to find out the husband is leaving her.  Well anyways it makes no sense.  Truth may be stranger than fiction.  With having OCD logic isn't always on my side, so I guess letting the thoughts pass is the answer.  I get into the habit of asking questions about it such as how many men is "many" or "numerous".  That is quite an annoying thing to do.  The answers are simple and why I don't like to think of infidelity I will never know truly except for the fact that I had flawed thinking about women's infidelity, especially in relation to men who cheat.  It it crazy that I have thoughts about people who I will never meet for the most part.  Okay maybe that will be the case, but one of the worst things about having OCD is the uncertainty.  The not knowing is what is so bad about having OCD.  There has to be an answer to everything.  The truth is, I will never know the answer to everything and that in reality there have been things I have never known the exact answer to.  I can do all the research I want but to find a concrete answer to why this happens or why I have those thoughts will never be truly answered.  That is just something that I will just have to accept.

Saturday, February 21, 2015


How do I know I am saved?  The truth of the matter is, I don't.  I pray about it but the fact remains it seems to me like this is a living nightmare.  I wish that I had known that I was saved.  More than 2 decades ago, I prayed to receive Jesus, but not long after then I had doubts put into my head.  It came to a head when I transferred to school just before I graduated from college.  And this also happened during the weekends ironically.  Well, today is a weekend and I have been having the same thoughts. I don't know how to handle it or even what the compulsions are.  Some pray as a compulsion, but I have no idea what mine is.  I can let other thoughts pass because they don't have anything to do with me, but my soul is of the utmost importance and that has to do with me.  I have spent much of the past few days listening to sermons and watching movies about obsessive thoughts and I can relate to all of those people.  I realize that they can become an obsession but they have helped me to cope.  I know I am not crazy though I feel like it sometimes.  I wish I just knew.  How can I know if my prayers have been answered if I don't know if I have been saved?  I am saved by faith and unfortunately I have been filled with doubt and my faith has gotten small.  I have prayed and read and studied and I still have those doubts.  It could drive me crazy because they are the scariest ones. What if they are not ocd thoughts but are based on reality?  That is why they are scary.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Obsessive compulsive patterns of thinking about myself and my weight issues

I feel that even with weight loss there are some obsessive compulsive patterns of thinking.  If I fail even the slightest bit, then I might as well fail miserably.  That is a pattern of thinking I need to change.  I have I guess what I call a perfectionist complex.  Everything has to be just right or else it or rather I, could fall into pieces.  Weight loss is a journey and so is life.  My weight is only a part of who I am but I don't wish to stop or focus solely on my weight.  I have 90 more pounds to lose.  Daily I have to keep things in mind which can be easier said than done.  I am proud to have lost the weight that I have lost.  I am feeling so much better since I lost the weight.  I feel even more so since I exercised.  Those are two things that I keep in mind since I have exercised.  I know it was only yesterday but I am looking into the bright side of things.  It is  helpful to be positive when it comes to weight loss.  I have had low self-esteem issues as far as I can remember.  I believe that a positive attitude can take anyone who desires to lose weight a long way.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

The reality of the obsessive thoughts

I am watching the Ellen interview with "Scandal" star Kerry Washington and it is an interesting interview to say the least.  I am doing pretty well today.  Today is about as close to a miracle as it can get.  I believe that there is a God out there and that there is a purpose that He has for all of us.  I did have a "minor" thought or an obsessive thought that is not annoying or tries to scare me.  Some thoughts and images last a long time in my head or keep coming back.  Other images don't last so long at all.  I used to have trouble with thoughts that have stuck in my head but I don't have such a major issue with that.  It all started with writing down the thoughts or examples of thoughts I had. Needless to say, they have helped greatly.  I still have the thoughts but at least since then I have had some more good days than bad.  However, much of the past few days was tough but I am okay now. I have decided to think of only today and to remind myself that this too shall pass.  Fictional characters are not real.  Lies are not true.  The past is the past.  I am not weak, powerless, or stupid. The thoughts are not just figments of my imagination.  They are real because the disorder is real. However, the thoughts are not based on my real life.  They are exaggerations of things that happen in real life or are about worse case scenarios.  The worse case scenarios are what scare me.  When if I actually get to witness, read, or hear about a possible worse case scenario?  That is what scares me. It is a vicious cycle that I know that I can stop but the work will be hard.  It has overwhelmed me to the point where everything was hard.  Who knew being overwhelmed makes everything hard?  Trust me, I know that better was most.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

"Chasing Life" and chasing God

"Chasing life" still comes to mind.  I am still tempted to do a search.  It seems harmless enough, but it is not.  It can only produce guilt feelings.  I guess one drink or fix won't hurt, but in the end, it will. That is how I see it.  The best thing to do is to turn the tv off.  I was watching the Grammy Stevie Wonder tribute.  I don't recall what it was called, but it was a good show nevertheless. It was a welcome distraction from the obsessive thoughts and the temptation to perform a compulsion. 

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about my religious thoughts.  I have been having this issue about being saved for nearly 20 years now and even now I still have doubts.  Being born again is certainly no joke and I have been having thoughts.  My thoughts are about whether or not I have been saved or not are scary to say the least.  I pray about it often and even pray to be saved.  Now I wonder if I have been saved through Lordship Salvation or through easy believism, two false doctrines.  I have doubts that God has saved me and that I am one of his.  Do I only have the mental knowledge?Have I ever been truly saved?  These thoughts are quite bothersome and I don't know how to deal with those thoughts.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Relationship OCD

I wonder what were to happen between couples.  Some are nasty to one another and those are the ones I have obsessive thoughts about.  What is so disturbing are the nasty, ugly, acrimonious splits, whether or not they have kids.  It is a sad state of affairs and I hate it when people split up, even for the best of reasons.  This is especially true when the woman is at fault.  I realize now that the reason why I may have these thoughts is because I am not in a relationship.  I realize that my thinking is based on stereotypes and flawed thinking.  Women who cheat are contemptible but with cheating men, it is in their DNA.  Boys will be boys.  I am being honest here.  I don't like for people to humiliate one another like sending nude photos or videos of their exes to a porn site or two.  I find that pretty disgusting and petty.  Even with all of that, I feel like maybe a relationship is in the cards, but not yet.  Yes, my biological clock is ticking and yes, I have no real experience, but I find being single has its benefits.  I do get that relationships are complicated and that things can get messy but I love reading and hearing about romance.  Sometimes romance irks me because even the most wholesome romantic stories can trigger an obsessive thought.  Those thoughts seem so real.  In that tone, it can be hard to distinguish between reality and fictional life.  I have relationship thoughts yet I am not in a relationship.  I have never been humiliated.  I have never done a man wrong.  I have never been done wrong by a man.  I will never truly know why I have relationship obsessive thoughts; I only have theories.  I am a loner who has never been in a serious relationship.  I am a sensitive shy person who is inquisitive and curious.  I am a religious person who can be quite guilt ridden at times. I sometimes have questions about my identity as a person, including being a black person. My guess is that the OCD latches onto what I value and the thoughts end up having a life of their own.  I am fixated with my health, politics, racism, classicism, relations between the sexes, and other issues related to those issues.  I have had thoughts for most of my life and the only thing I know to do is to distract myself from these thoughts.  Right now I still have the temptation to check and ask for reassurance, but I realize that giving in is not the answer.  Chances are the thought will come back only for me to check again.  I have grown tired of the cycling.  I have struggled to end the cycle and I don't wish to struggle no more.

Chasing Life

"Chasing Life" is the name of an ABC Family show that airs on Monday nights.  It is about a young woman who is struggling with cancer.  It sounds like a good show, but I have no idea what the episodes are about.  I was watching the "Hunger Games" last night and the promo for the show came on.  The main character is a reporter named April who was doing a piece on a baseball player.  A woman is having an affair with probably the baseball player named Richie Miranda.  I am tempted to do research on this show and just get it over it.  The real story is that it doesn't matter but to the "persona" it does. " Why did she have an affair?  Was it with Richie Miranda?  Who is her husband?  How could she do that?  I don't understand how a woman could cheat like that. "  I am here to write that if I were to "give in" then I would be temporarily relieved, but will end up feeling guilty and the thought would return...still.  If I were to remain anxious, then it means that I did not give in and I will feel proud of myself for not "giving in".  Writing this is my way to cope.  I tend to give in because it relieves the anxiety associated with the existing thought.