Sunday, October 25, 2015

Learning to face things head on

I could have shared a piece of myself yesterday, but I have decided to skip it for a day.  How do I feel about this?  I realize that I should have, but sometimes, a change is quite good.  Right now, I am watching a movie that has a man whose wife has died.  Any sort of word like wife, wives, marriage, philandering, and murder bother me.  Those are words that bother me.  I realize that even on television most wives are faithful, but it is hard to get the ones who cheat out of my mind. Right now I am worried.  Maybe I should stop writing this because it is making me anxious.  Right now I am having this image of a woman being caught cheating my her husband and. I also get angry about this. Why don't I get angry when a married man does this?  Something is wrong with me.  I feel like a total hypocrite, but my thoughts need to be exposed.  I need to overcome this fully.  I want nothing more than to feel better.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Who am I really?

It is amazing and sad I blatantly or subtly engage in anything negative about me.  Do I feel good about myself?  Not really.  It is hard for me to see myself as pretty or attractive.  I am overweight and that is the reason why.  It is hard for me to believe that I can be positive about myself.  It doesn't help that I have valued what others think about me and my appearance, at least in a negative light.  I do have self esteem issues, but why do I continue to have this issue?  Wishing does not work.  Doing things however do work.  Taking action is important.  I need to believe that I am pretty, that I am smart with uses at least a modicum of common sense, or that I am attractive at least someone to the opposite sex.  The truth is, I just don't care that much for me.  I realize that it is because of the low self-esteem and all of the negative thoughts against me.  I even think that in my fantasy world that I am crazy or unlikable.  I guess it is a reflection of how I truly feel about myself.  I do in fact care so much about what others think.

Here are 5 negative thoughts that I have about myself:

1.  I am too fat and I will remain frustrated over my weight loss.

2.  I am not pretty.

3.  I fail to exhibit common sense at times.

4.  I don't like my body.

5.  I don't always think that I am a good or likable person.

Here are 5 positive thoughts about myself or thoughts that counter those above.

1.  I have pretty eyes.

2.  I have been told that I have pretty hair.

3.  I have great legs that I love to show off.

4. I really am smart and like to learn.

5. I really am a good cook.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Yay! I feel like such an overcomer...of course, there is "Breakdown", a song that I like.

I am confident and I do rock.  I am close to being free from the fear of having obsessive thoughts. It is about time.

I also listened to Mariah Carey's "Breakdown".  Cool song.

Over, over, don't break down yet, it's over
Over, over, don't break down yet, it's over
Over, over, steady breakin' me on down, ooh
Break, breakdown, steady breakin' me on down
Break, breakdown, steady breakin' me on down

You call yesterday to basically say that you care for me
But that you're just not in love immediately, I pretended
To feel similarly and led you to believe I was okay
To just walk away from the thing that's unyielding and sacred to me

Well, I guess, I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality, I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually, I'm dying inside

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

So what do you do when somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through

Do you cling to your pride and sing, "I will survive"?
(Gotta get control and roll, roll, roll on)
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave leave this way"?
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away?

Well, I guess, I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
(Break, breakdown, steady breakin' me on down)
And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile, gradually I'm dying inside

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

Gonna break ya down, down, down, only if ya let it everyday
(Don't let it)
Crazy situations rockin' my mind, tryin' to break me down
But I won't let it, forget it

If ya feel the same way that I do, then let me help y'all

All singin' tunes, sayin', "It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, yeah"
Hopin' for the sun but it looks like rain, P.O.D'ed but it's still the same
Came far but it's been a long road
Trouble's gonna come but we gotta stay strong, hold on

Aw, yeah, I often feel the pressures, y'all
But nevertheless Krayzie won't fall, it's over
It's endin' here, I said it's over, it's endin' here
(Here, here)
So I'll be on my way and maybe we can meet up in the future one day

But for now I'm bailin', bailin', bailin', baby, gotta get up
Can't take no more, I'm headed for the door
Come and take a look into a thug humble eye
Tell me, if we lived a lie, would our souls unite?

Every new day is a test for me
So I just pray the Lord for Him to bless me, please
There's struggles I'm goin' through lately
Breaks me down, set me free, let me be, let me be

Who else do I have to rely on? Whose shoulder can a thug go cry on?
Can I get my vibe on? While you look into my eyes
You won't underestimate and this soldier story
I'm'a tell you right now I'm fed up

Wrong if I let my lead bust? Pac said keep your head up
Don't let this world get the best of you
I'm a stress you through it, if it's over, over, over
Don't breakdown yet, it's over

Well, I guess, I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

On the road...

Well, here I come.  Each day I am beginning to turn around.  I am becoming more successful in beating this disorder.  Keeping busy and reading has been of great help to me.  I have been reading up books about things that really matter to me.  There are things that do scare me but I think that finally I can deal with it.  No matter what the subject matter is, I can finally ignore those thoughts.  I can deal with it.  I know that my wish of at least a day without those thoughts coming will finally come true.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Honesty is the best policy.

I finally learned this when I told a trusted family member about what has happened to me.  With all of the crushes, obsessions, and such, there is nothing in the world like honesty.  Honesty is truly the best policy.  I don't know who first came up with quote, but it is a great one.  Honesty is good for the soul.  That is why confession equals honesty.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Getting a makeup makeover

Today I must say that I felt too confident.  I have gotten out of my comfort zone and dolled myself up.  I often take little or no time to doll myself up.  I wish I had done this before.  I cannot believe that putting on makeup can do that to a person.  I guess that is what it is like to get a makeover.  That is how I feel.  I used to watch those makeover shows and it is amazing how one looks after a change, but how one's attitude changes after a makeover.  That is somewhat how I feel.  It feels great!  Like I said, I wish I had done this before.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Having a better appreciation for modern music

What happened?  Now there are many talented people nowadays who have not been given the proper respect or are still underrated to this day.  Lately I have been listening to some of these artists such as Anthony David and Esperanza Spaulding.  Now I know that they have been recognized by many, even the Grammys for their skills so in that respect that is a good thing.  On the other hand, I wonder what were to happen if those artists were to get more radio play?  There are the Sam Smith's and the India Arie's that are quite good but India is another artist that despite the mainstream attention she gets, it isn't often that I get to hear her on the radio.  So as a grown folk over 40, I admit that I am stuck in my "grown folks" ways, but I appreciate all kinds of all music in all eras.  To me, there music is just as real as those such as the late Aaliyah and the late Notorious BIG.  (If only they didn't die so young.  Who knows what they would be doing today?  Sadly only one can wonder.)

Friday, October 16, 2015

"Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" by the Backstreet Boys

This is such a cool song.  I am in my 40s and this song is just as great as it was when I was in my 20s.  I am not in my 20s or 30s, but I am still young enough to feel energized.  I love this song.  Songs like this take me back.  Life seemed simpler before the obsessive thoughts.  It seems that way because I was busy I guess.  I also realize that I am young, but I don't wish to be that young again.  I am older and wiser.  I have much to live for.  Now to the song; I think it is a great song to exercise to, especially to dance to.  Dancing would be a great exercise for me.  I enjoy music so why not dance?

Thursday, October 15, 2015

How I am doing today

My ocd thoughts have not been bothering me today.  I guess that is a good thing because it isn't annoying or anything like that.  I guess because I have been busy, I had no time to think or ruminate about anything obsessive.  I am doing well today therefore.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

How I am doing as I am writing.

I am okay.  Confusion is a symptom of having OCD.  I didn't realize that it was an issue until yesterday.  It was like I realize that OCD can be quite "scary" at times.  To me, the answer is to think on things that are true and all of the things that qualify as what is of God.  I have learned that we are to think on the things of God such as holiness, truth, and what doesn't cause confusion.  God is not a God of confusion.  It took a while to realize that, but I am glad I did.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

I love these songs!

 "Bang Bang" by Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj

 "Chains" by Nick Jonas

 "Worth It" by Fifth Harmony and Kid Ink

 "Really Don't Care" by Demi Lovato and Cheryl Lloyd

 "Talk Dirty to Me" by Jason Derulo

 "Diamonds" by Rihanna

 "Helo" by Beyonce

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Treating crush like an ocd thought

I think it is time that my crush is really an obsessive thought.  I will treat it like one.  It is crazy but it just might work.  Sure my mind is trying to overcome it but it has been hard.  I try not to act on it, but it has been hard to.  Feeding my thoughts doesn't help either.  That has been a hard thing to do. How do I overcome the fact that I still struggle with overcoming (for a lack of a better terms) and breaking the OCD cycle?  Help.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

The important things in life.

Thinking about my soul has done much to draw my attention to the important things in life.  It has led to many questions and discussions even my myself.  I have prayed to the Lord about the Great Commission.  We as Christians are to go out into the world and preach the gospel.  I know that it is Matthew 28.  My hope that I have done so, but now I have not realized until this weekend that maybe I have not done so.  I have posted videos about the Lord and who He is.  Jesus can and does save.  I know that I have OCD.  I believe that Jesus is greater than OCD.  He understands that the obsessive thoughts are just that: thoughts.  It took a long time to realize that because having OCD is hard and sometimes the thoughts are scary.  I know that for a fact.  I wish I never had this condition but I do however and there is a blessing in disguise to all of this at least for me.  I believe that all that has happened has drawn me closer to the Lord.  I know that the Lord commands us to live for Him, live holy, be obedient, enduring, and be of service to Him and be of service to others.  OCD should not and is not a barrier.  Jesus is coming quickly.  Life is so short that no matter if one is OCD or bipolar or has cancer, God can and does save, for today is the day of salvation.  That is how short life is.

Monday, October 5, 2015

I bid adieu

I am not sure about writing a eulogy, but I have to let what is feeding my thoughts go.  I am changing course.  I am going to be okay.  Having obsessive compulsive disorder has not been easy.  No matter who or what I obsess about, learning to accept that I have this issue has not been easy.  For a while now, I have had something which started out as something innocent or a curiosity.  I realize that the best thing to do is to remove myself from the situation or from that person.  It happened over 20 years ago.  It can happen now.  Reality is hard, but sometimes living in a safe world can be even scarier if physically one lives in the real world.  It has shielded me from what has been going on with me.  It has made life more "exciting" than it really is.  I have never been in love.  I was in love with an image.  I have to see the image as a real person with flaws and needs and desires.  The person I am referring to was as flawed as I am.  He wasn't perfect.  He was just another human being walking on the earth.  Sadly he has passed on.  I wonder where this guy is now.  Unfortunately I never got to meet him.  I will never know him.  Sometimes something so innocent has gotten out of hand and that is what has happened.  Looking at his pictures and looking at his grave is so sobering and yet so sad. Reality finally kicks in.  My hope is that he is in the arms of God.  I can wish all I want, but that will not do me any good.  I accept that I have been obsessed with "First Middle-name Last".  Sadly I didn't love the person but only the image.  I feel kind of sad about that.  I love the idea of love but deep down I have to be mindful of what is real.  Mindfulness and acceptance are the answers to my problems.  I bid adieu to my obsession.  Goodbye.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Think about this...

Why didn't I think about this before?  Keeping busy is one of the keys to managing obsessive compulsive disorder. Just doing something meaningful is something that is good for the mind and does more than just keeps the thoughts at bay.  Taking care of oneself is also quite helpful.  It is so sad that I didn't think about this or do anything about this earlier.  Wow.  All I had to do was and still is to keep it simple.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

The same old song

I find myself listening to the same song over and over and over again.  It is a great song nevertheless. It is a song that I wish that I had listened to before.  I realize that when I play a song over and over again, I need to listen more to the content of the song.  It is opposite to the obsessive thought where all I do is try not to listen to the repetitive thoughts in my head.  It has become repetitive.  I just wish that some things become repetitive while sometimes I wish that other things won't be.  Playing the same song gets boring after a while.  On the other hand, an obsessive thought is a repetitive song is a song I want to be bored by.  I actually look forward to be bored about something. How about that?