Sunday, June 28, 2015

Why oh why

I am looking forward to losing more and more weight.  I am not obsessed by my weight.  I should based on how much I want to lose.  The truth is, I want to lose more than half of my body weight.  I look forward to exercising because my mind is in it.  I am motivated to lose weight.  I have never been happier.  I realize that being overwhelmed to lose weight was an easy thing, but that is why did I wait so long to actually carry it out?  Things were so bad that I had to close my exercise blog.  That was messed up.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Discovering who I am and what I am not

It is mean for people to be small-minded and quite cruel.  There are times when I wish I were prettier or even smarter.  I am reminded often that I have the " book smarts, but not the common sense smarts".  In other words, I can understand Shakespeare, but not have an understanding as far as opening a door, talking on the phone, or even changing a light bulb.  It is I am more inept.  I have been led to believe that I have done a lot of things to prove people right.  In my life, it is as if I have done things or have made mistakes that have caused others to look down on me.  It may not be the case, but that is how I feel.  It is as if to the world, I am not smart enough, or pretty enough, or maybe even good enough.  I have a hard time with people telling me I am beautiful or pretty.  You see, I am overweight, short, and wear glasses.  I have often been rejected or called ugly.  People rarely say that I am a beautiful girl, and if they do, then I have a hard time believing them.  My self-esteem is rather low and I am often comparing my body to others.  There are body parts that I like, but there are others that I don't.  I wish there were people who could relate.  I do wonder if some of the so-called "beautiful" people have those issues that I have.  What is their story?  I try to see the beauty in everyone, but it is very hard to see it in myself.  I do get it.  I am the "before" picture in the weight loss ads and inspirational pics.  I hate the dreams that I have about my body.  In those dreams, I am a blob.  I have a rather "undesirable" shape.  I hate having to say that.  It is awful what I just wrote; I feel like a total hypocrite.  I just don't like myself.  I believe that for years that could be the reason why I have obsessive thoughts or rather obsessions about how I should look and I tend to get obsessed with certain body parts.  There is a certain size and shape that I deep down find more attractive than others and for that, I feel bad about that.  I need help.  I often wish I were that shape.  I hope that once I lose more weight, I can be happier with the way that I am.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Hurt feelings

I have been taunted and teased.  I have been laughed at and made fun of.  I leave that behind and got over it. If only my thoughts tell me to not just get over it.  In fact, I have allowed them to keep me stuck in the past. I am surprised that I am not bitter.  The thoughts seem more real than they already were.  Some things just don't leave a person like that.  One has to work on things.  I have learned much from having OCD.  It has helped me become a much stronger and wiser person.  Other than that, having OCD can just suck the life out of a person.  It is like a bully and it is a constant fight each and every day.  Some days are just worse than others. Things have become more manageable, but it hasn't always been easy.  I have largely moved on, but unlike reality, I just hope that I will remain stuck in the past.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

The benefits of exercise on the mind

Exercise has been good for my brain.  It has given me a sense of clarity that I wouldn't have had otherwise. It has been a while since I have made an entry in my exercise blog.  I had to make plans in one blog and results and reflections.  So, I am doing so much better today.  I will keep this up.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Reflection of OCD and how it's affecting me

It has been become more annoying to "find out" and "do research".  That is my way of saying that I keep giving in to compulsions.  In short, I still ask for reassurance.  The thoughts are really out there, but they are really in my mind.  In other words, I know that the thoughts make no sense as far as who I am.  However, it doesn't make OCD any less worrisome.  I have to manage it.  I still look up things because of the avoidance. I now know that if it is not for the avoidance, then I wouldn't have to worry about the compulsions.  Why didn't think of that before?

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Entertainment avoidance

I wish it didn't matter that a person was fictional, but the truth of the matter is, it does.  I have fears about fictional characters.  I check out the tv guide website religiously.  I want to know what the movie or show is about before I even watch it.  If a fictional character were to commit adultery, then I would wonder why they have cheated and who they have cheated with.  I would love to be entertained without having those thoughts. That is one of the reasons why I watch Disney shows.  I find kid and teen shows safe.  Granted, I am not the target audience, but I have to admit, they are fun to watch.  I actually enjoy watching them.  I enjoy being entertained with clean wholesome entertainment.  However, with some clean entertainment I still wonder if one of the characters who have cheated.  I cannot stand to watch most sex scenes for that reason alone. I just sometimes wish I would just reconcile the fact that it is fictional.  They are just too real for me.

Friday, June 19, 2015

My obsession with the topic of race (from a forum post)

I have to say that I am not obsessed with the issue of race. Obsess is a dirty word, but it is true. I may have been wrong before. Anyways, I have OCD and that is why I have this obsession with race. It all started when I was doing genealogical search and that is what happened. The genealogical research in 2000 and it at first fascinated me because of my family tree. Then it took a while to realize that at first it wasn't bothersome but it took until today to realize that I need to go to my counselor about this said issue. The genealogical research triggered all of those questions about the very issue and for a while they have faded away. After a while I would go on foreign sites and other sites in which there would be a number of foreign people and ask them about race and the concept of race in their countries. That is how bad the obsession got. I need to talk to my counselor more about race. It isn't as scary as the thoughts about infidelity but it is annoying still.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

(Having OCD sucks) From an old entry on another blog

Having OCD sucks.  It seems that at times I take pleasure in those thoughts because it calms my mind down and it answers those questions that I ask.  Maybe it is about asking for reassurance which is what I have done often.  I have been diagnosed as having OCD as late as 2010.  I felt relieved but it was one in a set of problems that I have.  My problems are about moral and religious issues.  I sometimes wonder if God really saved me or if I am lost.  Moral issues include infidelity and just doing the right thing.  I always have these questions in my head that in my mind require an answer.  I hate uncertainty and I just can't take it.  I wish I never had it and I felt very lonely because I don't have all of the answers and I don't know anyone personally who has the same problem.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

The Movie (a poem about OCD)

The Movie

The movie is playing
In the theatre of the mind
It is no window to the soul
It is disturbing and frankly, quite frightening
I don't understand why this is so, but I can't help but to watch
I wish that this movie never plays
But I have this movie many times before
I know the plot
I know the ending
It is so predictable
But it is surprisingly good
It is a suspensful thriller, adventure, tragedy, and horror film all rolled up into one
The message is cruel, deceptive, extreme, and unrealistic
It is a movie that just won't stop playing
It is an urban legend
It is so vivid
The imagination runs and runs
The pain mounts
The anxiety weighs down
Then there is relief
Only for the movie to play again
It never seems to end
It never seems to end
The questions flood
There will never be answers
All I know is that the movie never seems to end

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Joshua and Carrie (long)

 Joshua Novak and Carrie Caulder were two teenagers, both 18, who had much in common. They both grew up in the working class town of Birchwood, NC. Their fathers both worked in the Birchwood Factory owned by, of course, the Birchwoods, the richest family in town. They both loved their families and were taught good moral values. They were taught to put God first, treat others with respect, and never forget who they are and where they came from. They were both the quintessential good-kids that every parent would be proud of. They both made decent grades. In fact, Carrie has always been on the honor roll. Joshua wanted to join the Army after graduating from high school, just like his father, and his grandfather before him. He wanted to be the 3rd generation Novak to join the US Army. His great-grandfather came to this country from Eastern Europe over a century ago. He arrived as a little boy with his parents and his 5 brothers. His grandfather talked about their beginnings and how they managed to make it in this country through hard times. However, Joshua could never see that happening because of his medical issues.

Carrie Caulder and her family moved from the tiny town of Mills, SC to Birchwood, NC five years ago because her father, Mitchell James Caulder, got a job offer to work as a Supervisor at the plant. Also, her mother's side of the family was originally from Birchwood and she wanted to explore her roots. Her mother, Stephanie Miller, and her father married 20 years ago and have been a loving and caring couple ever since. Carrie was a bright and happy young child. Her hopes and dreams involved writing and having her writings published and read by many. She always wanted to write, ever since she was younger. Writing has helped her to cope with much in her life, from her father uprooting her family, to her mother's roots, to her illness. Both Joshua and Carrie both suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Their illness is characterized by disturbing, unwanted, and distressing thoughts that are highly exaggerated, distorted, and seem so real. It may have a basis in reality, but because they are so real, it causes them much distress. For both Joshua and Carrie, it has become so severe that they had to be hospitalized or at least considered hospitalization.

Joshua has a form called Relationship OCD, or ROCD for short. Joshua has a fear of being in a relationship. He and his ex-girlfriend, Kayly, were in a relationship for over a year, and he found out she cheated on him with his best friend and two other guys. For that reason, they broke up. Since then, he has had this fear that any girl would cheat on him. Carrie, on the other hand, has had fears of catching a disease if she doesn't keep her room, and the rest of the house for that matter, clean. So she spends hours constantly cleaning her room especially and checking to see if it in particular had no germs. She has disturbing thoughts of catching a disease or even dying if she doesn't think her room is clean enough. She is especially fearful if she has a cut on her hands, so she often wears a glove or opens a door with a cloth or towel. She spends hours daily thinking and fighting and writing about those thoughts. The writings bring temporary relief, only for the obsessive thoughts and the compulsions to occur again. The cycle just seems never-ending. To the both of them, it is like there is no hope sometimes. They both have amazing insight into their problems yet it seems that they are alone because they know no one else like them. Until now. Both of them, like many teenagers, are avid internet users. When they are not in school, doing homework, or hanging out with their friends, or spending time with their families they spend a lot of time alone on the internet in their own little worlds.

Carrie even has her own myspace page. Yet she doesn't list herself as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Instead she goes on a forum for young people who have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. That way, she at least has someone who can relate to her. Like with Joshua, both of her parents worry that she spends too much time on the internet and not enough time with her family. Joshua's parents began to worry not only about his time on the internet, but about his overall health after the breakup. His parents had to constantly monitor him in case he was suicidal. Joshua at one point had even become a different person due to the breakup. He had even begun to hang out with a different crowd and become dark and more depressed. He began to lash out at anyone including his parents to the point where his father had to restrain him. His mother called the emergency room because of this. Soon after, Joshua was hospitalized. That was over a year ago. Since then, his condition has improved, yet has suffered through a cycle of unwanted thoughts, triggers, and endless research and investigation about infidelity. He knows the thoughts are not real and are not based on his real life, but they frustrate him. Sometimes, they are just too much to bear.

Even though his parents are concerned about him going on the internet, they have seen how much he has improved from the last year. Joshua does not have a myspace page like Carrie, but he does go on the chat rooms and read comments on the forums. Then he came across a message from a poster who has OCD, so he clicked on that one, but that page did not interest him. However, Joshua "googled" OCD for teens and many links came up, but one in particular caught his interest. He was lonely concerning his problems and was looking for someone to chat with, or at least to write to. So he looked through the site, read the posts on the message boards, and looked through the rules and regulations on the site. He decided to register his information with the website and entered his information. A few seconds later, he began to check his email and clicked on the link to activate his account.

And as soon as he activated his account, he went on to introduce himself to the rest of the teen forum, logging in as jnov223.

jnov223: I'm honestly don't know where to begin. I am 18 years old and I am suffering from an endless cycle of obsessive thoughts, fears, doubts, and investigations that either end up nowhere or at best, calm my fears, if only for a moment. I have been hospitalized for depression, but for the past year, I have been having these thougths. I have improved, but I still have to deal with these thougths. I have thougths about being cheated on. That is why I am afraid to ask a girl out. My last girlfriend of a year cheated on me with three other guys. Since then, I have been depressed and hospitalized because I lashed out at my family one night. I cannot look at a picture of a hot chick without having thoughts that she might cheat, thinking about cheating, or is cheating on her significant other. I often ask if she has a significant other? Is she cheating on him? How many guys is she cheating on him with? Why is cheating on him? I have had thoughts of women in general and my thoughts are the opposite of who I am. I was raised to respect women, but since I broke up with my ex, I have had negative thoughts about women in general. I don't like having these thoughts, but sometimes I wonder if they are true.

@ 2007

The Sun

The sun casts its shadow through the window
With the breath of dust in the air
It touched the house
The heat kissed my face
I am reminded of the creation God made
The white hot sun
The clear blue sky
The cotton white clouds
The dew kissed leaves crowning a thick, muscular streaked gray, white-streaked oak tree
Hovering over the brightest green grass
I am reminded daily that the moving sun is His way of saying
"I am the Creator
I made all of these things with the fruits to enjoy
With the sun to give light for Me to do My handiwork
With the sun to guide you with as I am guiding You with Mine eye
With the sun peeking through those clouds
With the sun complementing the grass that continually grows
The sun I create is a reminder that I am a Jealous God
And Me only shall You serve
I am a Jealous God
You are Not to worship all that is in it
Acknowledge me and you will be wise
Acknowledge me as the sun acknowledges me
Acknowledge me as the Son was there from the beginning for the world including the sun
was created through Him
Acknowledge Him as the Only Begotten Son, Your Savior
Acknowledge Him and you shall live
You shall live as those things you see
I gave you a purpose and that is to live for and serve me and not deny Him
Just as I gave this Son a purpose
Just as I gave this sun a purpose
We shall all work in harmony just as I intended
But alas, the stench of sin has seperated You and I
But the sun gives light
But the Son gives life"
It is an interesting thing that God's creation is marveled
But the Son is overlooked
But one thing I do know
The Son saved my life and my soul
And I know that the Son was there all along
And that God is the World's Greatest Artist

Monday, June 15, 2015

Not a full 100% yet

I still have thoughts about my obsession and infidelity. It doesn't bother me like it once did.  I am doing better but I'm not a full 100%.  I guess that is what it means to be manageable.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Anything is possible

Someone wrote some not so nice tweets.  They were either really that bad or they were doing this to extend or add to the fame that she already has.  Maybe she is sorry she got caught.  However, it can't be the case if the tweets are in full view of the public.  It was a pro wrestler who did this and someone has exposed her. Maybe she was being honest in her apology.  I guess I will never know.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Fading thoughts

How do I deal with the fading thoughts?  Sometimes I don't deal with them at all.  Other times I realize that I have a ways to go.  The truth is, I have some work to do and some courage to face what comes my way.  I wish that the thoughts gradually arrive.  That way, I can stop these thoughts dead in their tracks.  Sadly, that is not and will not be the case.  I guess that is why the OCD is made worse.  The sudden thoughts can arrive all at once or at one time.  Sometimes, I wonder which is actually worse.  I am just glad that I am at the place where I can say the thoughts are finally fading.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

What I have learned

As much as I love for these thoughts to go away, part of them still remain.  I wonder if they will always remain.  I had a crush on someone, but it turned to an obsession.  I would stay up to watch his movies, no matter how bad they are.  I was afraid that once the obsession is gone, I would go back to it.  I have learned that acceptance and not wishing they would go away is the key.  Wishing they would go away is hard work and actually a waste of time.  As much as I hate avoidance, I used to think that it would serve a purpose. However, it was a negative purpose.  Avoidance means to me that my "idol" is the OCD.

I realize and this was hard, that there are a lot of things in this world that is fake, but even though the thoughts are real, and that is hard to realize sometimes, the contents of them are a lie.  Sometimes thoughts are based in reality, but expanded so to speak.  Other times the thoughts are actually extensions and exaggerations of fictional (and sometimes) real situations.  That is what I have learned.

The truth is, it is hard and I have to work hard at it. I know this for real, but I had to realize that no one can truly hide from what is real.  I knew the answers, but I struggled, and struggled, and struggled.  I had no hope except for acceptance.  How do I do that?  By embracing the fact that I will, except by the healing power of Jesus Christ, that I will always have them, but they don't have to be an "idol" that will rule my life.  That is why the thoughts have weakened.  It is such a great feeling but it can be scary being this free because where do I begin now that I am free.  But I have to realize that freedom is great and that there are many things that one can do while they are free.  By the way, I would never want to turn back.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Acceptance of the thoughts I had.

How do I say goodbye to the memory and the residue of these thoughts that I once thoughts that I have?  I know that I have been obsessive with him for over a year.  I have accepted the fact that my obsession is nothing to be proud of.  He was a very handsome man, but no matter how he looks, it is only an obsession. I am so saddened that he is gone, never to return.  I realize that I may come across as crazy but I feel like falling in love with this guy and other things.  The other things is a sign that I am losing it.  I would like to let go.  Goodbye, even though he is like a drug to me.  I need the courage to not just to accept it, but to let him and the thoughts go.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Think about such things...not easy to do but not hard to think about.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Down in the dumps for now.

I am down but not out, thus I am kidding.  I had thoughts yesterday about infidelity.  They were the same fears and cares that scare me.  Why do they scare me so much?  I guess I will never know.  I still have issues with avoidance, even as the thoughts (begin) to fade.  I am afraid that that fear is my problem.  It will be around the corner.  I don't allow myself to be free.  I am not free from this, but will I ever be?  Nothing seems to be manageable at the moment.  It isn't driving me crazy or anything like that; it just is.  Nothing less. Nothing more.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Obsessed about a "Crush"...I guess.

I hope that I am the type of person who is known for being loyal.  Loyalty is such a great quality to have.  I have never betrayed anyone.  I am not trying to hurt anyone.  However, I have questioned whether or not I know how to be a true friend.  Those are questions that I have had and I also wonder if I had obsessive thoughts about that.  I guess that OCD latches on to anything.  I have had obsessive thoughts about many things, and many people.  Crushes can turn into obsessions.  I realize that the "cure" to them is acceptance. It is okay to have positive feeling about someone.  I guess it is even okay to have an innocent crush on someone.  Then there is the normal crush that has become an obsession.  Unfortunately those are hard to break.  I am a brave person to unleash about this.  It was a source of shame and something that I am not proud of.  I have done things I am not proud of.   But hopefully that I will all be in the past as I look forward to the future.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Hello Fear...Goodbye, Fear

I can relate to this song.  I love it.  I have been living in fear for years and it is time for me to truly leave that life behind.  It is liberating.  Fear does not love me back.  It never has.