Sunday, May 31, 2015

"A God Like You" by Kirk Franklin


I wish that I can focus more on God, but I focus too much on my obsession.  I can bear it but I can bear it, but I rather not grin about it. There is no grin and bear it here.  I am not in love with him at all.  He has altogether become my God.  "A God Like You" is a song I love by Kirk Franklin and I can't help but to repeat it over it.  There is no one like God.  I love the Lord, but I cannot say that that is how I am behaving when there is an obsession with another in the way.  My desire is to bid adieu and for him to leave. It will be hard but there is a space for God that I need to allow to fill.  I am not saying that we have a God shaped void.  There is nothing like that in the Bible.  What is God's shape anywhere?  If God is everywhere, why do people limit Him so much?  To me there is no such thing.  Anyways, my obsession has taken up way too much space in my heart and my mind.  It is time for me to move on and just "get over it".

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Time to say goodbye


This is Korean pop star Ailee.  The truth is, I have never heard of her until now.  Her song "Goodbye my Love" is quite beautiful.  It speaks to the part of me that has romanticized my crush, which has become an obsession.  It is so sad that I feel this way about someone who has since departed.  I didn't know much about him except that he was an actor.  He was and became so much more to me.  He is long gone now, and I hope that he is now in a better place.  It is time that I have to accept that I will never get to meet him. He is gone and I have to say goodbye to him.  My memories of him have become all too real.  I don't wish for him to be a distant memory, but he has to be.  I will accept that my obsession with him will pass only for me to live another day.  I wonder about his soul and where he is now.  Is he resting in peace or is he suffering?  It is time to let him go.  May he rest in peace.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Change is hard for me...

Right now I wish I could have an obsessive thought about losing weight.  I weigh over 300 pounds and I am short.  Some say that it is unhealthy.  The truth is, they are right.  It hasn't registered that I need to lose weight yet but I want it to.  My heart is in it despite the fact that I seem to have no clue what it means to eat healthy. I have been sedentary and unhealthy for a long time.  Things have not improved for me.  I felt like giving up. I don't want to.  I don't want to have anymore obsessive thoughts period, but it is more freeing that obsessive thoughts about infidelity.  I was being naive when I said that and I know this.  I thought that it might be easier if I were to have obsessive thoughts about anything but adultery, being saved, and having to see sexual images of adultery and forced sex.  But I wonder if it is common for me to wish something like this.  I hate having obsessive compulsive disorder, but at least the thoughts are fading away even if there are things that trigger these thoughts.

That was my re-post from yesterday.  Things have not changed yet.  Change is hard for me and that is why it has been difficult to lose weight.  The problem is doing things are harder.  I know I have hormonal issues and now I realize that the key to balance out my hormones is what has been staring back at me for years now.  It might even help me with my anxiety issues.  It may make them more manageable.  Sometimes I don't like the word manageable.  That words means that there is a possibility that a new thought will "arrive" any second now.  It causes some fear that I have, of which weight my weight and my crushes and obsessions are among those things that worry me.  They are bothersome.  I wish that they are over.  Learning to accept them is one of the keys to "beating" this illness therefore focusing less on my anxiety.  That is what I believe that losing weight is about those things.  I wish I had not only learned that, but have connected the dots and at least tried to do more than just admit.  Like I have said, change is hard.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

I wish for something else, but I must be careful what i wish for..

Right now I wish I could have an obsessive thought about losing weight.  I weigh over 300 pounds and I am short.  Some say that it is unhealthy.  The truth is, they are right.  It hasn't registered that I need to lose weight yet but I want it to.  My heart is in it despite the fact that I seem to have no clue what it means to eat healthy. I have been sedentary and unhealthy for a long time.  Things have not improved for me.  I felt like giving up. I don't want to.  I don't want to have anymore obsessive thoughts period, but it is more freeing that obsessive thoughts about infidelity.  I was being naive when I said that and I know this.  I thought that it might be easier if I were to have obsessive thoughts about anything but adultery, being saved, and having to see sexual images of adultery and forced sex.  But I wonder if it is common for me to wish something like this.  I hate having obsessive compulsive disorder, but at least the thoughts are fading away even if there are things that trigger these thoughts.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Okay

Today was a dream day.  However, I believe that I am more manic than ever.  I feel rather strange.  I am usually okay.  I am, but right now I am typing gibberish.  I guess because there isn't much to say.  I will be okay.  I am no longer afraid.

Monday, May 25, 2015

One day

I have done some checking yesterday which usually makes me feel bad because I feel weak.  It is a compulsion of mine or hopefully next time I will say "was a compulsion of mine".  I am not a fan of having OCD, nor am I a fan of having compulsions.  There are certain words which would prompt a certain thought or chain of thoughts and they bother me sometimes.  There are certain images which would also prompt a thought or a series of thoughts.  The good thing is that they are not as scary as they once were.  However, it would be nice if I didn't have these thoughts, have no thoughts that would come to mind because of what I see or here, or if I for 24 hours at least don't look at a television show.  That would be nice.  One day, it will no longer be a dream.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

I need to do something new and different.

Right now, I am feeling trapped.  It is the same problems over and over again.  I realize that there isn't much I can do about it.  This computer is my safety net so to speak.  Typing and chatting with others over the computer has been of help during the worst of times for me.  It has helped me to cope with what was going on with me.  It calmed my thoughts down and now that I am close to being healed, I can think on other things.  I love using the computer, no doubt, but it has become more of a crutch than anything else.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Re-post of an older blog about "Accepting and conquering obsessive thoughts about infidelity"

Today I realize that it is best to tackle fear head on.  As someone who is a bipolar with anxiety issues, it is much harder to do than most.  It is as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I have allowed these thoughts and fears to take over and I mean take over.  It doesn't help that I have quite a few struggles including how I feel about myself.  Is there a link between anxiety and how one feels about themselves?  I do and now I wonder if I had dealt with the anxiety then I would like myself more.  Maybe there is no link at all.  I don't know.

That is how I feel meanwhile about why I have obsessive thoughts about infidelity at all.  The truth is, I will never know.  The best thing to deal with these thoughts is to accept the fact that I have them. I have my own thoughts about infidelity and I do come across as a hypocrite since according to the thoughts, a promiscuous wife is no wife at all.  She is selfish and contemptible.  I don't think of the cheating man in the same way as it is in his DNA.  Men usually cheat more than women.

However, reality says different.  Men and women cheat.  While most women and men are faithful, I focus on those who have committed infidelity.  I have to fight these thoughts daily.  I am afraid of the triggers.  The anxiety and the fear has had a control over my life for many years.  It all started out within the past decade.  Things have changed.  My health has gotten worse, and my self-esteem lowered and I became more self-conscious.  On the other hand, I became older, wiser, and more spiritual.  If I could embrace aging then I could embrace anything.  How hard can it be?

It has been hard to say the least.  How can reconcile reality and how I feel about infidelity to what my mind says to me?  It has been hard for me to reconcile fact from fiction.  For example a fictional wife is caught in bed with another man, therefore I hate her and the person who plays her.  The stories of actual cheating wives don't bother me anymore.  OCD makes no sense and it probably never has. Trying to apply logic to OCD is impossible.  The best thing I can do is not only to face the fear head on but to not rationalize or fight but to embrace it as a thought that goes against all that I have and all who I am.  I have to just see it as a thought, nothing less, nothing more.

I know that infidelity is wrong and it is a selfish, sinful act in which there is no justification.  I realize that one doesn't have to be pure evil or immoral to do wrong.  On the other hand, it doesn't make one a good person either.  I am not saying that adulterers are all evil, but if that were the case, so are the rest of us.  I too am an adulterer.  I am unfaithful, selfish, and have done some evil, cowardly things in my life.  For example, a man who has said that his dead wife slept with everyone.  I can dismiss it as a thought and that she did not literally sleep with everyone, but she should not have cheated with so many people.  If the person was a man, then I would say the same thing.  Having said all of that, maybe I should take the time to write out those thoughts and then replace them with what is real and what is mundane and what is true.  What is true is that like Gomer and the adulteress in John 8, the two guilty women were redeemed and that unrepentant sinners like adulterers do not spend eternity with God.  What is also true is that like the adulterer we all are against the Lord.  I could just replace these thoughts with true thoughts that express what I feel about the situation and how I truly feel about said adulterer.  I thought about it this morning and I realize some strategy has be be used to view the thoughts as illogical and something to embrace.  It is hard to explain but the strategy is to not to let the fear and anxiety take over.  I hope this "strategy" works.

Friday, May 22, 2015

I need help

I am in need of help.  I feel like in the spiritual realm, I am out of control.  As a matter of fact, I feel like I am out of control.  The only time I feel like I am in control is when I am having any kind of thought.  There are things that are going on and I believe it is time to put my foot down.  I did it with the obsessive thoughts and I believe that I can do it with this possible issue.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

I know this...

TBH, there hasn't been much to write in terms of the OCD.  In fact, I feel like I have been freed from the obsessive thoughts about infidelity at least.  However, I am not so sure about that, at least not 100%.  I realize that I still have some thoughts that are only manageable.  However, they are fading.  I guess it is because I had more on my mind that is real.  Sometimes reality sucks.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Television was my priority


I don't usually post pictures on this blog, but I think that this would be worth noting.  Television was a high priority in my life.  In fact, it was a source of worry for me.  In fact, it was too high of priority and it made me even more anxious.  In fact, what was on television has been too time wasting.  Okay, maybe it was quite time-consuming.  What was on television was of great importance to me.  Nowadays, I finally realize that I need to know what are my highest priorities are and what they should be.

Monday, May 18, 2015

How I am doing today

The situation is still a bit stressful.  I think that I will be okay however.  As of today, I am going to be fine.  I have not performed many compulsions that weren't bothersome.  I didn't have any obsessive thoughts either. I look forward to this and every other day.  If only I could be 100% free.  They are only manageable, but even that is getting a bit boring.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Expendables

So I am watching the "Expendables" and I realize that it is just fiction.  I love this movie and I would highly recommend it.  This is an action movie that I am behind.  I am realizing that not engaging too much into fiction can be a "dangerous" thing, especially for me.  I do, however, find that straightforward movies without much sexual content doesn't bother me.  Sexual content with some violence bothers me.  I wish that sexual content in movies don't bother me.  I also wish that I wasn't so invested in so much entertainment.  I find it so sad that I have spent much of my days glued to something that has shown not to "be a friend".  It is not alive.  It can't walk or "talk" or dream.  I can turn it off at any time.  I have placed so much importance in watching television over the years that ironically it has caused me to check my priorities, hence watching the "Expendables".

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Stressful situation

There are times when I get stressed out.  This is one of those times.  Right now, I don't feel so free.  I hate it. This could be an issue of when my anxiety gets worse.  There are things that I cannot do.  I feel like there is a presence that is controlling everything.  It is happening more and more and there is nothing I feel I can do or say about it.  I just cannot take it anymore.

Friday, May 15, 2015

KC Undercover

I am watching this show about teen spies.  Well, her parents are also spies. And apparently the grandparents are spies too.  The show is called KC Undercover and it stars Zendaya.  Fiction like this is quite interesting since this show isn't geared for me.  Maybe this is a way to think outside the box.  What is a 40 year old with no kids doing watching Disney?  I like some of the shows.  Other than that, I guess I will never know.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Today's reflections

Wow.  Time seems to have not been so kind to me.  I just wish that things would improve here.  It has done a fabulous job causing me much anxiety.  In fact, being in the situation that I am in and unable to separate myself has made it worse.  I admit that I would like to isolate myself in the confines of home.  But there are other times where I definitely need to get out more.  There are places that I would like to go.  There are things that I have yet to explore.  I feel like I have not lived my life.  I guess also this would be the time to think outside the box.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Out of the box

I am starting to understand what it means to think or go outside the box.  Maybe that has been the story of my life.  I have interests that I have yet to explore.  I also have things that don't interest me much but I would like to learn about.  It is time I think outside the box.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Pressure


This is such a beautiful song.  It is quite a new.  Having OCD is like having a lot of pressure.  It has had an effect on my mind and body.  I know that others have bigger crosses to bear, but it is hard to see that when hellacious thoughts come.  I realize that thoughts are going to come.  My question is how do I think outside the box?  That is my assignment for the week.  What does it really mean?  What is that all about?  Sadly, I have no clue.  All I want to do is to live life.  Happiness is I guess what one makes of it.  However, it is hard when one has to deal with endless bothersome thoughts and questions.  Sure it matters.  It is not really about who I am, but my mind tends to play tricks on me.  That is what is so bothersome, other than the compulsions.  If only they weren't so temporary.  

Monday, May 11, 2015

Crosses to bear

I had to learn how to accept the fact that I guess I will always have these thoughts.  Thoughts will come.  To God be the glory.  I have to consider that there are bigger crosses to bear.  I also have to realize that there are others who have bigger crosses to bear.  I am to not just be mindful of that, but to also pray for and serve, help, and guide those who are in need.  We are to love our fellow man (and woman) and serve them as God calls us to do.  I have spent so much time dealing with these thoughts it is as if I have the worst of the worst without considering that compared to the hell others suffer through, mine is only temporary.  How can I see the truth in that when I have gone through my own hell?  Having OCD is not easy.  It is hard.  It is amazing how one can reconcile having ocd with acceptance.  That has been difficult, but over time, that can be easier.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Wondernment

I wonder if I will ever be free 100% of those thoughts.  I also wonder if I can have obsessive thoughts about a part of who I am.  I was thinking about this yesterday when referring to my weight.  I just have questions about this.  It isn't a sexual or moral issue.  Maybe it is.  But what do I know?  I am only and OCD sufferer. I have to realize that fiction is fiction and reality is reality.  I have learned to embrace things more and more.  I am of the school of letting things go.  I am also of the school of not allowing myself to be so concerned with the "little" things in life that I am now giving myself and my mind room to concentrate on the "larger" issues. That is what is more encouraging than anything.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Learning and Knowing

I realized that learning is something that has its ups and down.  It has been said that the more one learns the less they learn.  I can attest to that.  I had so much information at my disposal, yet it was as if I had so little time to gain wisdom and knowledge.  It was the same thing with the obsessive thoughts.  Sometimes it is like I was doing the same thing over and over again.  It has also been said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  It may not have been worded exactly that way but whatever is the case, having ocd is somewhat like that.  I am not insane but sometimes I feel that way. Having obsessive thoughts can question one's sanity.  I believe that that is why compulsions.  Compulsions are a temporary blessing, yet they are a curse.  Today is not the best day of musing but I believe that hope that I communicated the right message.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Getting my priorities straight

Right now, I am more encouraged.  Because of the obsessive thoughts, I realize that there are times when I make the least important things in my life of great importance.  There was a video that made me squeamish. I was afraid to watch it because I thought it would be exploitative and demeaning.  It was about a man slapping his girlfriend because she cheated on him.  That thought, that arrived suddenly, made me realize that I am not "free" of the OCD.  The obsessive thought is quite bothersome but realizing that because there is such thing as priorities, it doesn't bother me as less.  I think it is a shame that there are people who think it is okay to put up videos and photos to humiliate those they claim to love and respect.  I am here to write that it is despicable, male and female,  to humiliate others.  It shows a total lack of class and maturity on their parts. If a person does one wrong, be the bigger person and let them go.  That is what a real man and a real woman is supposed to do.  Shame.  By the way, a decision doesn't need to be made.  It is written in stone not to let the OCD screw with my priorities in life and no YouTube or World Star video should determine what is interesting or what I watch.  It is in reality pointless and a waste of time.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

A bit of encouragement

Usually I don't write much about having OCD when things get better.  So far, things have gotten better.  I guess I have to take things one day at a time.  I often have "residues" of past thoughts.  That only means that there are thoughts that are no longer bothersome, yet they are still there.  They are thoughts that have faded or are fading away.  That is what I call residue. I hope that this would go away with the infidelity thoughts.  That is the state where I am in and it so far feels pretty good.  That is what make it all encouraging.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Dr. Phil episode

Dr. Phil has an episode tomorrow where a man has doubts about his daughters paternity.  They are really having a dispute about the property that was inherited.  It is so sad that families are so split this way.  I have issues with infidelity and they have come to the surface.  Will I ever get over them?  When will I stop using my Christianity when it comes to entertainment?  It is up to God how I should live my life, but it is up to me as to if I wish to follow Him and also realize that because of my beliefs and whether or not I am truly saved, I will be judged.  I have the same song playing in my head and while it is annoying it doesn't bother me.  It is all about how I react to it.  I try to ignore it but how can I ignore a thought that I would not really harm me?

Saturday, May 2, 2015

A re-post about my infidelity thoughts

Today I realize that it is best to tackle fear head on. As someone who is a bipolar with anxiety issues, it is much harder to do than most. It is as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have allowed these thoughts and fears to take over and I mean take over. It doesn't help that I have quite a few struggles including how I feel about myself. Is there a link between anxiety and how one feels about themselves? I do and now I wonder if I had dealt with the anxiety then I would like myself more. Maybe there is no link at all. I don't know.

That is how I feel meanwhile about why I have obsessive thoughts about infidelity at all. The truth is, I will never know. The best thing to deal with these thoughts is to accept the fact that I have them. I have my own thoughts about infidelity and I do come across as a hypocrite since according to the thoughts, a promiscuous wife is no wife at all. She is selfish and contemptible. I don't think of the cheating man in the same way as it is in his DNA. Men usually cheat more than women.

However, reality says different. Men and women cheat. While most women and men are faithful, I focus on those who have committed infidelity. I have to fight these thoughts daily. I am afraid of the triggers. The anxiety and the fear has had a control over my life for many years. It all started out within the past decade. Things have changed. My health has gotten worse, and my self-esteem lowered and I became more self-conscious. On the other hand, I became older, wiser, and more spiritual. If I could embrace aging then I could embrace anything. How hard can it be?

It has been hard to say the least. How can reconcile reality and how I feel about infidelity to what my mind says to me? It has been hard for me to reconcile fact from fiction. For example a fictional wife is caught in bed with another man, therefore I hate her and the person who plays her. The stories of actual cheating wives don't bother me anymore. OCD makes no sense and it probably never has. Trying to apply logic to OCD is impossible. The best thing I can do is not only to face the fear head on but to not rationalize or fight but to embrace it as a thought that goes against all that I have and all who I am. I have to just see it as a thought, nothing less, nothing more.

I know that infidelity is wrong and it is a selfish, sinful act in which there is no justification. I realize that one doesn't have to be pure evil or immoral to do wrong. On the other hand, it doesn't make one a good person either. I am not saying that adulterers are all evil, but if that were the case, so are the rest of us. I too am an adulterer. I am unfaithful, selfish, and have done some evil, cowardly things in my life. For example, a man who has said that his dead wife slept with everyone. I can dismiss it as a thought and that she did not literally sleep with everyone, but she should not have cheated with so many people. If the person was a man, then I would say the same thing. Having said all of that, maybe I should take the time to write out those thoughts and then replace them with what is real and what is mundane and what is true. What is true is that like Gomer and the adulteress in John 8, the two guilty women were redeemed and that unrepentant sinners like adulterers do not spend eternity with God. What is also true is that like the adulterer we all are against the Lord. I could just replace these thoughts with true thoughts that express what I feel about the situation and how I truly feel about said adulterer. I thought about it this morning and I realize some strategy has be be used to view the thoughts as illogical and something to embrace. It is hard to explain but the strategy is to not to let the fear and anxiety take over. I hope this "strategy" works.
__________________

Friday, May 1, 2015

I have noticed that all of my obsessions are connected..

Over the years, I have been having light bulb moments. The light bulb moment is about the fact that I have had numerous obsessive thoughts over the years. I have been having thoughts about television and watching television. It all started with the thoughts about infidelity. I am scared and have been afraid that a television show, book, or movie will produce a trigger about infidelity. A word can trigger another thought or two. I now realize that every obsession I have is connected to one another. I realize that and have been realizing that for a while.

However, it took this morning to find out that the obsession to infidelity is connected to weight fixation to being bullied to sexual obsessions to even racism. It all makes sense now. Racism and bullying are connected to my weight because I have low self esteem issues. What do I do? I don't know why I have the exact thoughts that I do, but I realize that it no longer matters. The ways that I cope make things worse. I am taking a big risk by writing it out. However, I am taking a risk. However, writing has been great medicine for me, so this is a way to think things through as well as to learn how to take action. Confession is good for the soul but action I realize has to be taken afterwards.

So it all starts somewhere, so the solution is that I have to take some kind of action and realize that the nature of these thoughts are not logical and do not require actions. Having these obsessive thoughts have caused me years of anxiety and heartache and guilt. I feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I also felt guilty for having obsessions and compulsions. The truth is, I have never had an affair but it is also true that I have never divorced, had a paternity issue with a man because I don't have kids by a man. I don't have a man so I cannot say that I have a reason to worry about cheating. For that reason, I have often wondered why I have had these thoughts despite all of this. I have never cheated nor have I ever been cheated on. Why do I have these thoughts? Having said all of that, I realize that applying logic to an obsessive thought is wise. It will never work and hasn't been this way, so why try? Why fight these thoughts? I have identified illogical exaggerated thoughts that really make no sense. Now how do I reconcile this with illogical sites? I guess letting the thoughts pass by remembering what I wrote about infidelity and what I have written just now.

I realize that there have been times when there are thoughts that are exaggerated, if not all thoughts are exaggerations of real life stories. Everything in those thoughts are exaggerations to the point where even fictional characters become real. All things become real. They are not. What are the thoughts about? The key is to no longer fight them. I have to learn to see these thoughts for what they really and let them pass. That key alone is so difficult to apply.