Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Past two days

These past 48 hours have shown me that I have blessed by God.  I have a long way to go, but I finally realize that my body is the only body that I have.  That is all I had to know.  I wish I knew this all along.  I really wish I knew this.  I am okay though.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

The roots of the problem

I have yet to identify why I eat so much.  As a matter of fact, I am ashamed of the fact that no matter how hard I try, I feel like a failure.  I wait for something or someone to come along to help me.  I have become weak and lazy as I approach midlife.  I am scared that I will never lose the weight that I so wish to lose.  I have no set goals and it has always been that way for years now.  What ever problems that occurred in the past are still dogging me today.  I haven't liked myself in years and my weight has been a reason why. I look at pictures and deep down I am envious.  I wanted to look a certain way.  I wanted to look like I did in high school.  I am ashamed because I weight a whole lot more now than when I was in better health.  I need help.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

"Grandpa (Tell Us About the Good 'Ol Days)" by the Isaacs


To me, the good ol' days was when The Four Horsemen often wrestled Dusty Rhodes, Magnum TA, or The Rock n' Roll Express.  Maybe that match happened.  Hopefully that did happen.  The truth is life seemed much simpler.  Wrestling seemed so much better.  I enjoy today's wrestling but as a lifelong fan, I miss things the way they were.  Hopefully, I will be able to have children who will have children, etc.  Maybe I should tell them about the good old days, not just about wrestling, but about all I know.  It would be great to pass wisdom on to the next generation, or two.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Ask Myself.

Ask myself.
What am I thankful for?  I have a lot to be thankful for?
What could I change?  Why do I always seem to whine and complain?
What is the heart of the matter as to why I have the outlook on life I have?
Where do I begin?
Ask myself.

Monday, July 3, 2017

To count my blesssings

I have wondered about a tired mind.  I do wonder if there if it is still such a thing as a tired mind.  Maybe it is a fog or a little cloud I have been under.  Tired mind is the only thing that I can describe it.  I have grown tired of just pushing through.  However today, I am actually okay.  Lately, I finally realize that it is more than time to be renewed.  It doesn't help that staying asleep and thinking about the unattainable doesn't help.  I guess the best thing to do in that situation is to count my blessings.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Could it be?

I am still struggling.  I will hopefully be okay.  Right now, I just fell out and my muscles jerked.  I need help.  I jut don't know what to do or who to talk to about this.  I tend to fall asleep at the computer especially.  Could I have narcolepsy?  I have spent a lot of the day asleep.  My hope is that I will get better.  Sometimes I just wonder about a lot of things.  Maybe it is time to stop wondering and time to take action.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

At the moment,

At the moment, I am taking a break.  I hope to make another entry tomorrow.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

4 of the Biggest Barriers in Bipolar Disorder

4 of the Biggest Barriers in Bipolar Disorder By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
~ 3 min read
People with bipolar disorder can face many challenges — from the illness’s fluctuating feelings to its destructive effects on relationships. Below, two experts reveal some of the biggest obstacles and offer strategies to overcome them.

Challenge: Uncontrollability

“Bipolar disorder can feel uncontrollable,” according to Sheri L. Johnson, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of California-Berkeley and director of the Cal Mania (CALM) Program. Symptoms, such as mood changes, can seem to appear suddenly and without provocation. And they can diminish daily functioning and ruin relationships, said Sheri Van Dijk, MSW, a psychotherapist and author of The DBT Skills Workbook for Bipolar Disorder.

Strategies: While bipolar disorder can seem unpredictable, there are often patterns and triggers you can watch out for. And even if you can’t prevent symptoms, you can minimize and manage them.

One way to monitor changes is to keep a mood chart, Van Dijk said. Depending on which chart you use, you can record everything from your mood to the number of hours you slept, your anxiety level, medication compliance and menstrual cycle, she said. (This is a good chart, she said.) For instance, you can anticipate a potential depressive episode if you see that your mood has been progressively sinking in the last few days, Van Dijk said.

Practicing healthy habits is an effective way to lessen the hold emotions have on you. Make it a priority to get enough sleep, going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time, Van Dijk said. Create a calm bedtime routine, avoid substances such as alcohol – which disrupts sleep – and don’t exercise in the evenings, said Johnson, also co-author of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed.

Sleep deprivation can trigger mania, and “it makes you more susceptible to being controlled by your emotions, such as irritability,” Van Dijk said. On the other hand, sleeping too much can cause lethargy and also reduce your ability to manage emotions, she said.

Exercise helps to reduce depressive symptoms. Eliminating caffeine can reduce irritability and anxiety and improve sleep, Van Dijk said. She suggested cutting out caffeine for two weeks and paying attention to any changes. Some people also find that certain foods exacerbate their mood swings. You can check by cutting out specific foods from your diet, and watching the results, she said.

You also can use a variety of strategies to stave off the negative consequences from your symptoms. For instance, if impulsive spending is a problem, gain control by having a low limit on your credit cards, Johnson said. When you’re experiencing early signs of mania, have someone else hold onto your checks and cards, Johnson said. If you do overspend, return your purchases, she said. You can even ask a friend to go with you, she added.

Full article here

Saturday, June 24, 2017

What happens in the brain of those with bipolar disorder

What happens in the brain of those with bipolar disorder
By Claudia Mosby

A person in the manic phase of bipolar disorder (BPD) may appear full of energy, hedonistic and grandiose. During the depressed state of the illness, that same individual may lack energy, exhibit slower thinking and movement and profound depression.

What happens in the brain of a bipolar individual to produce such extreme swings in states of being?

“It is difficult to think of any illnesses in medicine that present with symptoms that can almost be diametrically opposite in one state (e.g., mania) compared to another state (e.g., depression),” says Husseini K. Manji, MD, FRCPC, a pre-eminent researcher of bipolar disorder and the global therapeutic head for neuroscience at Janssen Research & Development, Pharmaceutical Companies of Johnson & Johnson. Manji also serves on the Scientific Council of the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation, which awards grants to scientists seeking new treatments and cures for psychiatric disorders.

“These observations were among the first clues to suggest that BPD wasn’t about ‘too much’ or ‘too little’ serotonin or dopamine but rather about synaptic and neural plasticity,” adds Manji. He describes plasticity as the attribute that enables billions of nerve cells in the brain to change and adapt on a millisecond-by-millisecond basis in response to the many inputs continually being received and processed.

“What we’ve learned in the last 10 years is that whether we’re talking about memory, mood or movement, all advanced brain functions involve changes in the ability of synapses to convey information in different brain circuits.

“For a mood disorder like bipolar, the problem resides in the intracellular machinery of signal transmission, machinery that is engaged in both information processing but also in helping nerve cells survive and grow.”

These observations may explain, says Manji, why MRI scans on patients with BPD often reveal “shrinkage” of neurons in specific brain areas. “It‘s very important to emphasize that while there appears to be shrinkage,” he adds, “the neurons themselves are not dead; they are sick.”

He describes healthy neurons as having a profusion of treelike branches that communicate with one another by forming a multitude of synapses, tiny transmission gaps or “communication channels” that join the message-sending and message-receiving neurons between the branches.

“If that branch shrivels up, you lose synaptic contacts,” says Manji. “And how can you expect to have normal nerve-to-nerve communication when that happens?”

Date and Article

Friday, June 23, 2017

"More, More, More" by Joann Rosario

 
This song has always given me comfort, no matter how I am feeling at the moment.  For now, I have come back to earth.  I have spent much of the day disobeying the Lord.  I have eaten food I have no business eating.  I am not someone who likes to binge.  I have been told that it has been the bipolar, but I have a hard time believing that.  There has got to be something deeper, much deeper than that. I have been doing things that I don't wish to do.  I have been in a manic phase from most of the afternoon.  I am glad to have identified the fact that I have been in a manic phase.  The only good thing about a manic phase is the energy.  Okay, there is also the high feeling I get which in turn makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about.  However, there is nothing in the world like being and feeling normal, whatever normal truly means.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Being honest

OMG...

I have a good job of sabotaging myself.  I have a problem with overeating and failing to put all of the food that I have down.  I needed to learn my lesson today, but it seems that I have nothing to put down.  I was depressed last week and now I have come to realize that I am even more depressed. Changes have to be made if I wish to lose weight and spend whatever money I have in order to stay on the program.  As those who read this may know, I am on the Weight Watchers program.  I have every reason to change.  I have read about an actor and other who have died due to complications of diabetes.  As a diabetic, I have come to realize that I need to take this condition more seriously, or I will suffer from complications.  Diabetes can become progressively worse over time; I don't want that to happen to me.   Sadly, it took me just seconds to minutes ago about the seriousness of why I need to eat sensibly, moderately, and healthy. I need to lose weight.  The issue is why?  Why do I make it harder on myself?  I wish I knew the answer to that question.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

The truth

I could use some therapy when it comes to what it is shameful.  I am ashamed.  I have eaten foods that have been unhealthy.  I have not been so honest.  Next time, I will be more honest about this.  Honesty is the best policy, no matter how painful.  The truth sometimes hurt.

Friday, June 16, 2017

My confession

I confess that I have bipolar disorder and OCD.  I guess sad at times, but isn't just being in the dumps.  It is a lot more serious. At one time I was suicidal.  That is what depression is like.  I felt like I was going crazy, my self-esteem was lowered, and it was much, much worse than being down in the dumps.  That is what depression is all about.  Thankfully, that is not the state that I am in. 

Then there are times when I get irritated and very manic.  I tend to do things very fast.  My self-esteem is high, and I have no care in the word.  In fact, it feels great during mania.  There is little sleep at night.  However, that could mean a change in the circadian rhythms which would determine a person's individual sleep cycle.  That is not a good thing, so it seems as if mania feels like both a blessing, but it ends up being a curse.

I realize that I have anxiety as well.  Having OCD is not a fun experience. In fact, it is a sad, troublesome, depressing disorder to have.  I have compulsions and obsessions.  I have to realize that while these thought cannot hurt me, my mind says something different at the moment.  Bipolar and anxiety link up.  I figure that is why I have both. disorders.  Well, there isn't much more I could write about what it is like to have these disorders.  Sometimes I feel lonely and other times I don't.  Sometimes I am irritated and other times I don't. It can feel like a dream due to mania, and other times, it can be nightmare due to thoughts that seem real and focus on the worst case scenario, which rarely happens in reality.  It can also be nightmarish performing compulsions while depressed as well.
All I want to do is eat and sleep and feel normal again.  That is what I would want more than anything.                                          

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

You must be born again

Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus by night and said to him, “Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher come from God, for no one can do these signs that you do unless God is with him.” Jesus answered him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.”

Nicodemus said to him, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?” Jesus answered, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.”

Nicodemus said to him, “How can these things be?” Jesus answered him, “Are you the teacher of Israel and yet you do not understand these things? Truly, truly, I say to you, we speak of what we know, and bear witness to what we have seen, but you do not receive our testimony. If I have told you earthly things and you do not believe, how can you believe if I tell you heavenly things? No one has ascended into heaven except he who descended from heaven, the Son of Man.

And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that whoever believes in him may have eternal life. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Who am I in Christ Jesus?

I have come to realize that I do have OCD.  It is so hard for me to cope at times.  Sometimes I am not so sure if it is the OCD, the enemy lying to me, or if the Lord is calling me, but I have no idea.  I am in fear right now.  More than anything, I want to know who I truly am in Jesus Christ.  I know that Jesus is the only one who can save.  My biggest fear is that I will be left behind.  How can I be a witness to others about a God who I actually might not even know?  It is a scary thought.  That is all I can say for now.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

"War Room" scenes--I just love this movie!

  It's Time to Fight, Elizabeth

  Elizabeth throws the Devil out

  "Lukewarn coffee" scene






"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil, and he will flee."
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil,
"and he will flee."
I don't know where you are, Devil,
but I know you can hear me.
You have played with my mind
and had your way long enough.
No more.
You are done!
Jesus is the Lord of this house.
And that means there's no place
for you here anymore.
So take your lies, your schemes
and your accusations,
and get out in Jesus' name!
You can't have my marriage.
You can't have my daughter.
And you sure can't have my man.
This house is under new management
and that means you are out!
And another thing.
I am so sick of you stealing my joy,
but that's changing, too.
My joy doesn't come from my friends.
It doesn't come from my job.
It doesn't even come from my husband.
My joy is found in Jesus.
And just in case you forgot,
he has already defeated you.
So go back to Hell where you belong
and leave my family alone.

Read more: http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=war-room
I am so sick of you stealing my joy,

Read more: http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=war-room
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil,
"and he will flee."
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil, and he will flee."
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil,
"and he will flee."
I don't know where you are, Devil,
but I know you can hear me.
You have played with my mind
and had your way long enough.
No more.
You are done!
Jesus is the Lord of this house.
And that means there's no place
for you here anymore.
So take your lies, your schemes
and your accusations,
and get out in Jesus' name!
You can't have my marriage.
You can't have my daughter.
And you sure can't have my man.
This house is under new management
and that means you are out!
And another thing.
I am so sick of you stealing my joy,
but that's changing, too.
My joy doesn't come from my friends.
It doesn't come from my job.
It doesn't even come from my husband.
My joy is found in Jesus.
And just in case you forgot,
he has already defeated you.
So go back to Hell where you belong
and leave my family alone.

Read more: http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=war-room
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil,
"and he will flee."
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil, and he will flee."
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil,
"and he will flee."
I don't know where you are, Devil,
but I know you can hear me.
You have played with my mind
and had your way long enough.
No more.
You are done!
Jesus is the Lord of this house.
And that means there's no place
for you here anymore.
So take your lies, your schemes
and your accusations,
and get out in Jesus' name!
You can't have my marriage.
You can't have my daughter.
And you sure can't have my man.
This house is under new management
and that means you are out!
And another thing.
I am so sick of you stealing my joy,
but that's changing, too.
My joy doesn't come from my friends.
It doesn't come from my job.
It doesn't even come from my husband.
My joy is found in Jesus.
And just in case you forgot,
he has already defeated you.
So go back to Hell where you belong
and leave my family alone.

Read more: http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=war-room
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil,
"and he will flee."
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil, and he will flee."
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil,
"and he will flee."
I don't know where you are, Devil,
but I know you can hear me.
You have played with my mind
and had your way long enough.
No more.
You are done!
Jesus is the Lord of this house.
And that means there's no place
for you here anymore.
So take your lies, your schemes
and your accusations,
and get out in Jesus' name!
You can't have my marriage.
You can't have my daughter.
And you sure can't have my man.
This house is under new management
and that means you are out!
And another thing.
I am so sick of you stealing my joy,
but that's changing, too.
My joy doesn't come from my friends.
It doesn't come from my job.
It doesn't even come from my husband.
My joy is found in Jesus.
And just in case you forgot,
he has already defeated you.
So go back to Hell where you belong
and leave my family alone.

Read more: http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=war-room
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil,
"and he will flee."
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil, and he will flee."
"Submit to God.
"Resist the devil,
"and he will flee."
I don't know where you are, Devil,
but I know you can hear me.
You have played with my mind
and had your way long enough.
No more.
You are done!
Jesus is the Lord of this house.
And that means there's no place
for you here anymore.
So take your lies, your schemes
and your accusations,
and get out in Jesus' name!
You can't have my marriage.
You can't have my daughter.
And you sure can't have my man.
This house is under new management
and that means you are out!
And another thing.
I am so sick of you stealing my joy,
but that's changing, too.
My joy doesn't come from my friends.
It doesn't come from my job.
It doesn't even come from my husband.
My joy is found in Jesus.
And just in case you forgot,
he has already defeated you.
So go back to Hell where you belong
and leave my family alone.

Read more: http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=war-room

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

This prayer bears repeating

Lord,

I complain too much.  I don't thank You as much as I should.  I don't pray like I should.  I don't read or study like I should.  Help me and teach me to do what I think or believe is hard.  There have been a lot of things that I thought are hard are actually quite easy.  The solution has always been right there. I am saddened that I did not take the time to actually be consistent enough to put it into action.  Lord, I have been overwhelmed and I still am.  I admit that even now I am still overwhelmed.  I give You my life.  I give You my all.  Forgive me for my sins.  Cleanse me from my unrighteousness.  I don't always express myself the way I desire to.  Lord, I ask for Your wise counsel, and for discernment.  I thank You for answering this request in advance.

In Your name,


Amen

Saturday, June 3, 2017

From recent weeks

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Learning to actually take action

Lord,

I complain too much.  I don't thank You as much as I should.  I don't pray like I should.  I don't read or study like I should.  Help me and teach me to do what I think or believe is hard.  There have been a lot of things that I thought are hard are actually quite easy.  The solution has always been right there. I am saddened that I did not take the time to actually be consistent enough to put it into action.  Lord, I have been overwhelmed and I still am.  I admit that even now I am still overwhelmed.  I give You my life.  I give You my all.  Forgive me for my sins.  Cleanse me from my unrighteousness.  I don't always express myself the way I desire to.  Lord, I ask for Your wise counsel, and for discernment.  I thank You for answering this request in advance.

In Your name,


Amen
 
May 25, 2017
 I think it is shocking and it is sad that the US is so divided even in the "subject" of whose life matter.

I have noticed that there may be a racial division when it comes to what matters especially considering the justice system and corruption. I believe that all lives matter, including black lives aand that we should come together as one with either similar viewpoints, or come to an understanding or agreement on whatever your or my view of this issue. Also, should or would it be wise to agree to disagree on this very issue since I believe that we should focus on not just one life or another.

Yes, black lives DO matter, and I think that is the point of the movement whereas there is corruption and injustice. My video is about I believe the Bible says on this matter. I realize that much of the video with a lot of verses, but I believe that it is also important for us as the Body of Christ to preach the gospel and to realize that we need to open our eyes.

Whether or not one agrees with the content of this video or not, I believe that this division is really sad, and pathetic. What are your thoughts on this video and your thoughts of this division and I think the answer is to be a salt and light to a society where there is division, hatred, and where people live in a culture of death that has I believed have caused many of US to be desensitized? Hopefully, what I have written is the pont of my video. Forgive me for the length of this said explanation.
  

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Simple advice

There is nothing in the world like taking simple advice seriously.  I have realized that in the past that is all I have done.  I have worried about the present more so because I stayed stuck in the past.  I am this and that and the other.  The problem was not really who I am, but I was stuck tn my past.  I am no longer in my 20s and 30s.  Now that I am in my 40s, I have grown older and wiser.  I have learned that as a person in my early 40s, I am young enough, but I am not so young that I cannot learn from the mistakes I have made in the past, not even the more recent past.  All I have is the present moment and plans to make about the rest of my life.  If my current path doesn't pan out, then be thankful for the moment and learn from it.  I have learned that that is all I can do.
 
 

Friday, May 19, 2017

Changing the Past

Changing The Past

© Donna more by Donna
Published on July 2011
The past is the past for a reason
That is where it is supposed to stay
But some cannot let it go
In their heads it eats away

Until all their focus becomes
The person that they used to be
The mistakes they made in their life
Oh, if only they could see

That you cannot change what happened
No matter how hard you try
No matter how much you think about it
No matter how much you cry

What happens in your lifetime
Happens for reasons unknown
So you have to let the cards unfold
Let your story be shown

Don't get wrapped up in the negative
Be happy with what you have been given
Live for today not tomorrow
Get up, get out and start living

Because the past is the past for a reason
It's been and now it is gone
So stop trying to think of ways to fix it
It's done, it's unchangeable, move on


Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/changing-the-past

 Changing The Past

© Donna more by Donna  

Published on July 2011

The past is the past for a reason
That is where it is supposed to stay
But some cannot let it go
In their heads it eats away

Until all their focus becomes
The person that they used to be
The mistakes they made in their life
Oh, if only they could see

That you cannot change what happened
No matter how hard you try
No matter how much you think about it
No matter how much you cry

What happens in your lifetime
Happens for reasons unknown
So you have to let the cards unfold
Let your story be shown

Don't get wrapped up in the negative
Be happy with what you have been given
Live for today not tomorrow
Get up, get out and start living

Because the past is the past for a reason
It's been and now it is gone
So stop trying to think of ways to fix it
It's done, it's unchangeable, move on


Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/changing-the-past

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Will it matter in five Years

#1: Ask “Will it Matter in Five Years”?

When I’m anxious about something, this is what I often ask myself. Almost always, the answer is that it won’t matter in a week, let alone in five years.
Some days – even some moments – are life-changing. You’ve probably been through some of these – like exams, job interviews, the decision to get married, or buying a house.

Most of what we worry about, though, is fleeting and trivial. Maybe you’ve made a mistake at work, or you’ve had a dinner crisis which means your family is eating pizza for the third time in three days. It’s really not worth stressing yourself over.

Reflection:
I guess that there are things that are quite trivial.  I never thought of it that way.  I have been stuck living in the past.  Today is just a new day.  It is passing away.  Tomorrow is the real gift.   

Link 1

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Write a List of Things You’re Grateful For

Whatever your current situation, you’ve got loads of great things in your life too. Some of us (me included!) find it all too easy to moan about stuff which isn’t going well – but pretty hard to spot the everyday good things which we take for granted.


Spend five minutes writing a list of things which you’re grateful for. They can be big (“my parents’ love and support”) or small (“fresh coffee”). This is a powerful exercise to do on a regular basis, perhaps every week. You can also do it as a family.

Number 3 

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Selected Posts March-May 2017

Later on..

I have tried to consume a 1200 calorie a day diet.  However, that has been more difficult than I thought.  I would usually write this down in another blog, but I realize that it will be okay to write in this blog as well.  I do complain a lot and I was just too tired to fill in anything.  As you can tell from reading this, I am just too tired.  My brain hurts.  I will be okay though.
 
Posts from April, 2017
 April 28,2017
Personal interpretation of Deuteronomy 12:1-4
  1“These are the statutes and the judgments which you shall carefully observe in the land which the LORD, the God of your fathers, has given you to possess as long as you live on the earth. 2“You shall utterly destroy all the places where the nations whom you shall dispossess serve their gods, on the high mountains and on the hills and under every green tree. 3“You shall tear down their altars and smash their sacred pillars and burn their Asherim with fire, and you shall cut down the engraved images of their gods and obliterate their name from that place. 4“You shall not act like this toward the LORD your God."

I have not only shown respect to the Lord by the way I was acting.  I didn't realize that idolatry was a sin that I have committed.  I have since repented of that sin.  I didn't realize that allowing myself to be caught up in the things of the world would constitute idolatry, but it doesn't.  Not spending enough time could be an example of idolatry.  I am very guilty of that form of idolatry.  My time like other idolaters has not been spent on the Lord, but on whoever or whatever is in the world.  That whoever and whatever was a high place that needed to be broken down.  The altars wasn't' in my house but in my mind.  That was not about anxiety, so I won't use that as an excuse.  It was about a choice that I made, which did in turn, cause even greater anxiety.  The Lord wants the divided attention of all of us, no matter where we are at.  My hope is that I am not misinterpreting the Word of God.  Being sacred is about being of God, not of the world.  I have not kept some things sacred and I have since repented of this.  I take full responsibility of my sins.  This I am writing because the Lord is Jealous and wants not just our worship, but our undivided attention. 

Prophecies about Jesus 

April 11, 2017

"From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life."
Matthew 16:21

"When they came together in Galilee, he said to them, “The Son of Man is going to be delivered into the hands of men."
Matthew 17:22

"He then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again."
Mark 8:31

"They were on their way up to Jerusalem, with Jesus leading the way, and the disciples were astonished, while those who followed were afraid. Again he took the Twelve aside and told them what was going to happen to him."
Mark 10:32

"Who has believed what he has heard from us?1
And to whom has hthe arm of the Lord been revealed?
2 For he grew up before him like a young plant,
iand like a root out of dry ground;
jhe had no form or majesty that we should look at him,
and no beauty that we should desire him.
3 kHe was despised and rejected2 by men,
a man of sorrows 3 and acquainted with4 grief;5
and as one from whom men hide their faces6
he was despised, and lwe esteemed him not.
4 mSurely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
nsmitten by God, and afflicted.
5 oBut he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
pand with his wounds we are healed.
6 qAll we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
rand the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
syet he opened not his mouth;
tlike a ulamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
and as for his generation, vwho considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
stricken for the transgression of my people?
9 And they made his grave with the wicked
wand with a rich man in his death,
although xhe had done no violence,
and there was no deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet yit was the will of the Lord to crush him;
he has put him to grief;7
zwhen his soul makes8 an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
athe will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
11 Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see9 and be satisfied;
by his knowledge shall bthe righteous one, my servant,
cmake many to be accounted righteous,
dand he shall bear their iniquities.
12 eTherefore I will divide him a portion with the many,10
fand he shall divide the spoil with the strong,11
because he poured out his soul to death
and was numbered with the transgressors;
gyet he bore the sin of many,
and makes intercession for the transgressors."
Isaiah 53:1-12
 
 

My overall view on music

March 31, 2007

I just have a deep love of music.  Who doesn't, but somehow music connects me to my problems and my emotions like nothing have.  I am trying to express why music is something I get lost in.  I sometimes listen to music when the mood hits me.  However, music makes me normal.  Being bipolar, there is always this line between what is normal and what is not.  It bridges things like emotions, thoughts, and what is going on in the world.  I am so glad that there is such thing as music.
 

Thursday, May 25, 2017

True Religion

I created this video for I have my own beliefs about who and what is true and right. I know that there are false prophets in the world and that there are many true believers in Christ. Is it easy to spot someone who claims to be a believer but willfully sin and do not care? There is sin in each of us, so we will not deceive ourselves into thinking we have none. How would or shall a person minister to others online or ou

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Selected posts 4/25-5/23

Simple advice

There is nothing in the world like taking simple advice seriously.  I have realized that in the past that is all I have done.  I have worried about the present more so because I stayed stuck in the past.  I am this and that and the other.  The problem was not really who I am, but I was stuck tn my past.  I am no longer in my 20s and 30s.  Now that I am in my 40s, I have grown older and wiser.  I have learned that as a person in my early 40s, I am young enough, but I am not so young that I cannot learn from the mistakes I have made in the past, not even the more recent past.  All I have is the present moment and plans to make about the rest of my life.  If my current path doesn't pan out, then be thankful for the moment and learn from it.  I have learned that that is all I can do.
 
 

"Getting outside of myself"..

I have a confession to make.  I have a crush on a guy.  I have wondered if I were too old to have a crush on a guy.  I am over 40 and I wish to be married someday.  I thought I was a grown up and as far as a number, I am.  However, there is a part of me that is still childish and self absorbed.  I tend to be a selfish person at times.  I often pray more for myself than I do for other people.  That is just so sad.  I am a Christian.  How can I be so self absorbed?  My real guess is that I have great difficulty praying for other people.  I am always in a hurry to leave.  I lack patience since it is not one of my virtues.  I want to learn and grow and finally grow up.  I have become too concerned with my own life and wrapped up in my own problems.  Ironically, I am writing about myself in this blog right now.  Not only is it time for me to stop being so self absorbed but to start seeing myself and the world for what it truly is and see people for who they truly are.  I have formed opinions based on romantic notions or on what I have heard.  Sadly I have realized that after all of these years that it is no way to live.
 
 

My life in my 40s

It has obviously been a while since I have blogged any entries.  Sometimes there comes a time in a person's life when one has to bite the bullet.  This is my moment of biting the bullet and create a few blog entries. I have just been exhausted mentally and just stopped caring.  I don't know if it has gotten mundane or something else.  I have been this way for a while now.  It has been a long while.  I have gotten older and wiser, but the truth is, I cannot change the past and there are things that I wish to have back.  What I'm saying is while I wish that I would have the drive and energy I once had, I don't want to go back to that nor do I wish to be less wise than I am now.  I finally realize that I am typing this, I finally realize what it means to, while I am still young, my youth is gone.  I am at an age where with age, comes wisdom and a greater confidence than I have ever known.  I want to be more committed to my goals and start caring again.  I am at an age where I have the best of all worlds.
 
 

Personal interpretation of Deuteronomy 12:1-4

  1“These are the statutes and the judgments which you shall carefully observe in the land which the LORD, the God of your fathers, has given you to possess as long as you live on the earth. 2“You shall utterly destroy all the places where the nations whom you shall dispossess serve their gods, on the high mountains and on the hills and under every green tree. 3“You shall tear down their altars and smash their sacred pillars and burn their Asherim with fire, and you shall cut down the engraved images of their gods and obliterate their name from that place. 4“You shall not act like this toward the LORD your God."

I have not only shown respect to the Lord by the way I was acting.  I didn't realize that idolatry was a sin that I have committed.  I have since repented of that sin.  I didn't realize that allowing myself to be caught up in the things of the world would constitute idolatry, but it doesn't.  Not spending enough time could be an example of idolatry.  I am very guilty of that form of idolatry.  My time like other idolaters has not been spent on the Lord, but on whoever or whatever is in the world.  That whoever and whatever was a high place that needed to be broken down.  The altars wasn't' in my house but in my mind.  That was not about anxiety, so I won't use that as an excuse.  It was about a choice that I made, which did in turn, cause even greater anxiety.  The Lord wants the divided attention of all of us, no matter where we are at.  My hope is that I am not misinterpreting the Word of God.  Being sacred is about being of God, not of the world.  I have not kept some things sacred and I have since repented of this.  I take full responsibility of my sins.  This I am writing because the Lord is Jealous and wants not just our worship, but our undivided attention. 

Jealousy and True Love

Psalm 31:23

"Love the LORD, all his faithful people! The LORD preserves those who are true to him, but the proud he pays back in full."

Love is something that is not jealous.  Furthermore, jealousy is about fear and about coveting.  I guess.  I am trying to be wise.  Furthermore, I am trying to be right about the interpretation of God's Word.  One of the worst thing anyone can do is to misinterpret scripture.  That I believe is why false prophets and false teachers are flourishing in the planet.  They deceive the flock by twisting the Word of God for often times financial gain.  Where is the love in deception, much less jealousy?  The only jealousy that is not about fear and coveting is about the Jealousy of God.  We are to not just be true, but to love God with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and strengths.  All of it.  God is a Jealous God who wants us to divide all of our attentions to Him.  After all, Jesus paid all of His attention to us. That is what I finally realize today.  We as Christians are to be Jealous for the Lord, because He is Jealous towards us.  That is what true love is all about.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Not to be ashamed

Jesus is the Only Way

You Must be Born Again


The Christian Walk & The Narrow Road


Urgent Message to the World


God's Infinite Love, Wisdom, and Salvation

Over the years, these videos have been created out of love for my fellow man, and woman.  It hasn't always been so easy to reach out those online with these messages.  The messages contained in these videos I would like to able to reach. We as Christians are to fulfill the Great Commission.  Many in the Church witness to others through tracts, videos, and literally loud and clear to the world at large.  Let us as believers be not ashamed.



Saturday, May 20, 2017

Sing for the Moment by Eminem



[Verse 1]
These ideas are nightmares to white parents
Whose worst fear is a child with dyed hair and who likes earrings
Like whatever they say has no bearing
It's so scary in a house that allows no swearing
To see him walkin' around with his headphones blaring

Alone in his own zone, cold and he don't care, he's
A problem child,
and what bothers him all comes out
When he talks about his fuckin' dad walkin' out
‘Cause he hates him so bad that he blocks him out
If he ever saw him again he'd probably knock him out

His thoughts are wacked, he's mad so he's talkin' back
Talkin' black,
brainwashed from rock and rap
He sags his pants, doo-rags and a stockin' cap
His step-father hit him so he socked him back
And broke his nose, his house is a broken home
There's no control, he just lets his emotions go


[Hook]
Sing with me, sing for the year (Sing it!)
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear (Come on!)
Sing it with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away


[Verse 2]
Entertainment is changin', intertwinin' with gangsters
In the land of the killers a sinner's mind is a sanctum
Holy or unholy, only have one homie
Only this gun,
lonely ‘cause don't anyone know me
Yet everybody just feels like they can relate

I guess words are a motherfucker, they can be great
Or they can degrade, or even worse, they can teach hate

It's like these kids hang on every single statement we make
Like they worship us, plus all the stores ship us platinum
Now how the fuck did this metamorphosis happen?
From standin' on corners and porches just rappin'
To havin' a fortune, no more kissin' ass

But then these critics crucify you, journalists try to burn you
Fans turn on you, attorneys all want a turn at you
To get they hands on every dime you have

They want you to lose your mind every time you mad
So they can try to make you out to look like a loose cannon
Any dispute won't hesitate to produce handguns
That's why these prosecutors wanna convict me

Strictly just to get me off of these streets quickly
But all their kids been listenin' to me religiously
So I'm signin' CD's while police fingerprint me

They're for the judge's daughter but his grudge is against me
If I'm such a fuckin' menace this shit doesn't make sense, B
It's all political, if my music is literal
And I'm a criminal, how the fuck can I raise a little girl?

I couldn't, I wouldn't be fit to
You're full of shit too, Guerrera, that was a fist that hit you!

[Hook]
Sing with me, sing for the year (Sing it!)
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear (Sing this shit!)
Sing it with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away


[Verse 3]
They say music can alter moods and talk to you
Well, can it load a gun up for you and cock it too?
Well, if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault, and I'll get sued

See, what these kids do is hear about us totin' pistols
And they wanna get one ‘cause they think the shit's cool

Not knowin' we really just protectin' ourselves
We entertainers, of course the shit's affectin' our sales
You ignoramus, but music is reflection of self
We just explain it, and then we get our checks in the mail

It's fucked up, ain't it?
How we can come from practically nothin'
To bein' able to have any fuckin' thing that we wanted

That's why we sing for these kids who don't have a thing
Except for a dream and a fuckin' rap magazine
Who post pin-up pictures on they walls all day long
Idolize they favorite rappers and know all they songs

Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in they lives
So they sit and they cry, at night, wishin' they'd die
'Til they throw on a rap record, and they sit and they vibe

We're nothin' to you, but we're the fuckin' shit in they eyes
That's why we seize the moment
Try to freeze it and own it, squeeze it and hold it
‘Cause we consider these minutes golden

And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone
Just let our spirits live on
Through our lyrics that you hear in our songs, and we can…


[Hook]
Sing with me, sing for the year (Sing it!)
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear (Come on!)
Sing it with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away
Sing with me, sing for the year (Sing it!)
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear (Come on!)
Sing it with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

Friday, May 19, 2017

Be Proud of Who You Are

Be Proud Of Who You Are

© S Raine more by S Raine   

Published on November 2010

I come with no wrapping or pretty pink bows.
I am who I am from my head to my toes.
I tend to get loud when speaking my mind.
Even a little crazy some of the time.
I'm not a size 5 and don't care to be.
You can be you and I can be me.
I try to stay strong when pain knocks me down.
And the times that I cry is when no ones around.
To error is human or so that's what they say.
Well tell me who's perfect anyway.


Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/be-proud-of-who-you-are

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

How a Person with Bipolar Thinks

How a Person with Bipolar Thinks

 June 26, 2013

by Natasha Tracy 

 his is an interesting question: how does a person with bipolar disorder think? Of course, it’s hard for me to compare it with your average person as I have bipolar disorder. I don’t have the two thought processes in my one brain to compare.

This is not to say that we all think the same way; nevertheless, I do have some ideas on how people with bipolar disorder think that seem to stand out amongst the “normals.”

Obsessive Bipolar Thoughts

Your average person may have obsessive thoughts, now and then, I don’t know, but what I do know is that people with bipolar disorder have obsessive thoughts a lot of the time. These obsessive bipolar thoughts may be a repeating song from the radio, scenarios (such as a suicide scene) or a replaying of events (often negative ones), but obsessive thoughts seem to be the rule rather than the exception.

Note that research bears this out indicating that people with bipolar disorder have higher rates of obsessive-compulsive disorder than the average population.

 

Extreme Bipolar Thoughts

It seems to me that simply by the virtue of extreme emotional experience, people with bipolar disorder think in the extreme quite frequently. Everything feels like the end of the world (catastrophizing). We’re not upset, we’re depressed. We’re not suspicious, we’re paranoid. We’re not happy, we’re elated. And, of course, there are all the thoughts that go along with these things. If our boyfriend looks at another girl he must be cheating. If we have a disagreement with a friend they must hate us. If we’re criticized at work we must be getting fired. It’s not that we don’t necessarily understand these things aren’t reasonable; it’s just that we can’t help the way our brain thinks, the way it leaps. Not everyone jumps to the extremes, but people with bipolar seem to have that tendency.

How a person with bipolar thinks



Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Keep it simple

Making plans is something I am good at.  It has almost become a skill of mine.  However, I feel that I have made so many that things have gotten too overwhelming.  Life became overwhelming.  To me, the answer is being a Godly woman who basically agreed to do what is hard and keep it simple.  Most things don't come as easily as they used to.  I am tempted to create another plan, but it would not be in my best interest.  I realize that the best laid plans are just that, best laid.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

"Blame it on The Boogie" by The Jacksons



My baby's always dancin' and it wouldn't be a bad thing
But I don't get no lovin' and that's no lie
We spent the night in Frisco at every kinda disco
From that night I kissed our love goodbye

Don't blame it on the sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie

Don't blame it on the sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie

That nasty boogie bugs me, but somehow how it has drugged me
Spellbound rhythm gets me on my feet
I've changed my life completely, I've seen the lightning leave me
And my baby just can't take her eyes off me

Don't blame it on the sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie

Don't you blame it on the sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie, woo

I just can't, I just can't
I just can't control my feet
I just can't, I just can't (Yeah)
I just can't (Woo) control my feet

I just can't, I just can't
I just can't control my feet
I just can't, I just can't
I just can't control my feet

Sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie

Don't blame it on the sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't on the good times
Blame it on the boogie

This magic music grooves me, that dirty rhythm fools me
The devil's gotten to me through this dance
I'm full of funky fever, a fire burns inside me
Boogie's got me in a super trance

Don't blame it on the sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie

Don't you blame it sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie

Ow (Sunshine)
Ooh (Moonlight)
Yeah (Good times)
Mmm (Boogie)

You just gotta (Sunshine)
Yeah (Moonlight)
(Good times)
Good times (Boogie)

Don't you blame it (Sunshine)
You just gotta (Moonlight)
You just wanna (Good times)
Yeah, oh (Boogie)

Blame it on yourself (Sunshine)
Ain't nobody's fault (Moonlight)
But yours and that boogie (Good times)
All night long (Boogie)

Can't stop that boogie (Sunshine)
Ain't nobody's fault (Moonlight)
But yours and that boogie (Good times)
Dancin' all night long (Boogie)

Blame it on yourself (Sunshine)
Ain't nobody's fault (Moonlight)
But yours and that boogie, boogie, boogie (Good times)
All night long (Boogie)

Friday, May 5, 2017

"Thunderstruck" by AC/DC


Thunder, thunder, thunder, thunder
I was caught
In the middle of a railroad track
I looked round
And I knew there was no turning back
My mind raced
And I thought what could I do
And I knew
There was no help, no help from you
Sound of the drums
Beating in my heart
The thunder of guns
Tore me apart
You've been
Thunderstruck

Rode down the highway
Broke the limit, we hit the town
Went through to Texas, yeah Texas, and we had some fun
We met some girls
Some dancers who gave a good time
Broke all the rules
Played all the fools
Yeah yeah they, they, they blew our minds
And I was shaking at the knees
Could I come again please
Yeah them ladies were too kind
You've been
Thunderstruck

I was shaking at the knees
Could I come again please

Thunderstruck, Thunderstruck, Thunderstruck, Thunderstruck
It's alright, we're doin' fine
It's alright, we're doin' fine, fine, fine
Thunderstruck, yeah, yeah, yeah
Thunderstruck, Thunderstruck
Thunderstruck, baby, baby
Thunderstruck, you've been Thunderstruck
Thunderstruck, Thunderstruck
You've been Thunderstruck

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Fibromyalgia & Bipolar Spectrum Disorder: A Shared Pathophysiology May Lead to Better Drug Targets

Fibromyalgia & Bipolar Spectrum Disorder: A Shared Pathophysiology May Lead to Better Drug Targets
March 21, 2016
By Lara C. Pullen, PhD

Fibromyalgia is a chronic, disabling condition associated with psychological distress, sleep disturbances and fatigue. Interestingly, many of these symptoms overlap with those of bipolar spectrum disorder. Moreover, accumulating evidence suggests that a shared pathophysiological process may underlie the overlap in symptoms. Beatrice Bortolato, MD, director of psychiatric medicine at Veneto Orientale in Italy, and colleagues published their review of the evidence of the association between fibromyalgia and bipolar spectrum disorder in the February 2016 issue of Current Molecular Medicine.1 In their review, the authors suggest that a better understanding of the potential biological underpinning shared by fibromyalgia and bipolar disorder may lead to the identification of novel drug targets.

One such thought-provoking example is the observation that individuals with fibromyalgia, as well as individuals with bipolar spectrum disorder, appear to have an overactivation of the kynurenine pathway that drives tryptophan away from the production of serotonin and melatonin. This overactivation can lead to affective symptoms, circadian rhythm disturbances and abnormalities in processing pain. Several studies have also provided evidence of a disturbed stress response in individuals with fibromyalgia and bipolar spectrum disorder. This second observation led the authors to suggest that a dysfunctional hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis may be important for the pathophysiology of both fibromyalgia and bipolar spectrum disorder.

Although some research has been performed in the area of melatonin, immune dysfunction and genetic substrates, the bulk of the research implicating a shared pathophysiological pathway between fibromyalgia and bipolar spectrum disorder comes from brain imaging studies. In addition to identifying overlapping structural manifestations, the results suggest that both disorders are associated with impaired neuroplasticity.

Structure
Typically, fibromyalgia is considered the result of aberrant pain transmission, in general, and a dysregulation of descending regulatory pain pathways, in particular. This conclusion is supported by magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) studies of individuals with fibromyalgia that revealed a decrease in gray matter density in areas of the brain involved with pain transmission and processing. Functional MRI has also demonstrated that individuals with fibromyalgia have greater activation of the pain matrix areas of the brain when compared with healthy controls. Finally, magnetic resonance spectroscopy has revealed that individuals with fibromyalgia have alterations in the activity of the insula, the cingulate cortex, the amygdala and the nucleus accumbens.

Although imaging studies of fibromyalgia patients appear to form a clear pattern, generalizing the images of individuals with bipolar disorder syndrome can be more challenging because the patient population is heterogeneous with regard to duration of illness and treatment status. Nevertheless, imaging studies of individuals with bipolar spectrum disorder suggest some structural and functional abnormalities in the prefrontal cortices (PFC). Additionally, patients have significantly decreased volume in the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and increased volume in the amygdala. The increased amygdala volume is associated with heightened activity, particularly during mania. Studies that use diffusion tensor imaging revealed that patients with bipolar disorder also have altered connectivity between the subgenual ACC and the amygdala, the frontal and occipital cortices, the insula and the thalamus.

Page 2

http://www.the-rheumatologist.org

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

"Making Plans" by Marquita Lawsom

Monday morning - Nine O'clock - coffee going cold
Just sitting here thinking about our plans for growing old
We dreamed that we would travel more to places never seen
We’d take long walks along the beach and watch the waves roll in

We'd stroll back to our little home flower garden - picket fence
Then my thoughts return to now and nothing's making sense
All those years of making plans and waiting for the day
When we would start enjoying life - it all just slips away

Last weekend we had dinner out – did chores 'cause we were off
Sunday morning I went to church - you played a round of golf
I'm trying to remember now - what was it that we said -
Memories and so much more are spinning in my head

You said, 'Honey, what time is dinner', and, 'Don't worry if I'm late -
Oh, and just-in-case I meet a friend, Could you set an extra plate? '
You put your arms around me and looked into my eyes
We never ever - ever dreamed that’d be our last goodbye

All those years of making plans and waiting for the day
When we'd spend time together - it all just slips away

The table was set for three, the cooking was all done
There was nothing left to do but watch the setting sun
Just moments after darkness fell – someone at the door
A man in blue was telling me you won't be home anymore

All those years of making plans and waiting for the day
When we would start enjoying life - it all just slips away
All those years of making plans and waiting for the day
When we'd spend time together - it all just slips away

-Monday evening - Nine O'clock - Got through my first day
And just like all those plans we made - time just slipped away

song lyrics - 2004

poemhunter.com

Sunday, April 30, 2017

A major change and some progress

I realize that prayer has not only changed things, but have also changed me.  I have made progress, but it still at times an uphill battle.  I realize that looking back at my life has provided some peace and some sadness and regret.  I have yet to make any plans for myself. If I wish for things to change and if I wish to make even more progress, then I realize that have to take action.  The truth is, I have not taken action in the past.  I have often waited for others to do such and now it seems it has been to my detriment.  It is time for me to grow up and act my age.  I am still young, but I am fully an adult. This is the time in my life where I have learned to appreciate life and to look forward to days to come.  I think it will be okay.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Open eyes

I have put others ahead of God to the detriment of my mental health.  I didn't realize until today how much God understands what I am going through.  I have had this specific issue for the past decade now.  It is time I need to do more for myself.  I realize that the world physically is a large place, but it is still growing smaller each and every day.  I still get shy even online.  My goal is to overcome being an introvert myself and step out in faith.  I need to be bold and brave.  My goal is to go ahead out there and do and say what God says I should do.  I am thankful that I am alive and so far well.  I will be okay, so right now, that is how I am feeling.

Friday, April 28, 2017

A Change of by Jesse White

 A Change of...by Jesse White
My mood has changed, I'm feelin' sharp and dapper,
and now I'm 'bout to spit about it like a rapper, never dull as I cut through bull, towards what I'm after, a marksman, with skills as a sick syllable drafter, a lyrical crafter, you're like a laugh track with no laughter, and if you don't like the message, then change the station, cause I'm committed to this shit like a mental patient, as I drop these bars, creating a great racket, and I'm wearin' my scars like a straitjacket, I'll be takin' my dreams, and continue to pile 'em, I can't hear over the screams, but I'm granting asylum, blowin' your mind, makin' you think like you ought to be, I can see it, you're on the brink, thanks to this verbal lobotomy, I'm bred to give, get the sedative, but there's no stoppin' me, I keep repetitive rhymes, cause my flows are done properly......

bipolarpoetry.com

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Never Played the Bass

Right now, I am listening to a song by a Scandinavian artist named Nabiha.  She is singing "Never Played the Bass".  I love this song.  In fact, this is the first time I have heard of this song and the first time I have ever heard of her.  I am doing okay right now, back pain aside.  Mentally, I am also in a good place.  Physically, I am not 100%, but I will be okay there as well.  Seth Rollins is only on my mind because I am not in love.  You know when a crush becomes an obsession.  It is like a nosy person who is in love with their crush.  Okay, that was a lot.  I am happy to write that analogy down because being nosy implies an obsession.  The implication would be correct.  It was that way with another crush.  There is really no fine line between having a crush on someone and having been obsessed with someone.  Having a crush on someone has made me become cautious of any "romantic" notions I have about a person.  Anyways, I am glad that I am no longer afraid to be honest.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Panic Stricken by Philographer1545

It comes suddenly, it comes fast
You're drowning in its waves.
Thankfully, it does not last
but its sway you cannot stave.

It is a deceitful beast
blinding you with all its power,
upon your fears it will feast
Sanity, it will devour.

It paralyses, installs dread
you're overwrought with fright,
You shake, veins throbbing in your head
you're limp, smothered by its might.

Chest tight, tingling sensations
race the heart, tortures the soul
Caught in its grasp, you weaken
feels like you're losing control...

allpoetry.com

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Deut 12:1-4 is my lesson for today

  1“These are the statutes and the judgments which you shall carefully observe in the land which the LORD, the God of your fathers, has given you to possess as long as you live on the earth. 2“You shall utterly destroy all the places where the nations whom you shall dispossess serve their gods, on the high mountains and on the hills and under every green tree. 3“You shall tear down their altars and smash their sacred pillars and burn their Asherim with fire, and you shall cut down the engraved images of their gods and obliterate their name from that place. 4“You shall not act like this toward the LORD your God."

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Forgiveness is divine

I am okay today.  I realize that prayer for those who insult or have insulted me are among the most forgiveness.  There is an old saying, "To err is human, to forgive is divine."  I am finally begin to understand the idea and concept of forgiveness.  Forgiveness is about love for what one does that is sinful.  We are all sinners because either we don't truly know Jesus or because the saved still have sin in us.  Those are two kinds of people; there is no in-between.  There are also no shades of gray. Every road is either a road to life or a road to death.  Choose one.

Monday, April 17, 2017

In a good place

I am in a good place.  Because of that, I am feeling well.  I am no longer in denial.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.  Thank You, God.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

I am truly okay.

I am mentally okay.  I finally realized that caring what others think has been detrimental in every area of my life.  I am so relieved and set free from caring what others believe about me.  It isn't just a message about self esteem.  It is about loving one self.  It is also about self respect.  I believe that when a person spends his or her life trying to please other people, then they begin to lose a sense of self.  I finally realized that for the first time, I am worth it.  I am worthy and I respect myself.  That isn't just a good feeling.  It is also spiritually and emotionally free.  I love this sense of freedom.  I have been saved not only from sin (though saying we have no sin in us is a lie) but also from doubt, fear, anxiety, and being scared.  It would have also a negative effect on my reaching out to others due to the doubt and the guilt.  I cannot create any videos and witness to others about the Lord whenever I partake in sin that I have not repented of.  That in my opinion was why I have spent my life worrying so much about food, weight, and just worrying period.  I have struggled for years, and it has been a stronghold.  Finally, I feel a huge weight lifted off of me.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Doctor's appointment

I have come to realize thanks to my doctor, that if I want to control my appetite, then I have got to keep taking my meds.  Right now, I feel so encouraged by that news.  I realize that I can handle things myself and I have done so, at least to a point.  I have been binge-eating lately which if I don't , then my health will worsen.  I even felt that my body was shutting down.  Good news: it wasn't shutting down.  It only feels that way.  I believe that if I want to work at my weight, and all other issues, then I wouldn't feel so badly about my health.

Monday, April 10, 2017

How am I doing?

I am okay.  There is not much that I can say right now.  I feel okay right now.  I am not worried though.  I am distracted right now.  I realize that a distraction, even a little bit, will do me no good.  I get distracted often so I need to either improve on my "lack of distraction skills".  In other words, I have a rather short attention span.  That is unfortunate and that needs to change.  I am doing better at that, however.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

"His Eye is on The Sparrow" by Sister Rosetta Tharpe



Why should I feel discouraged?
And why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for heavenly home
When Jesus is my portion?
And my constant friend is He
You know, his eye is on the little sparrow
And I know he cares for you and me
His eye is on the little sparrow
And I know God is watching over you and me

I sing because my soul is a happy
I sing because I'm free
For His eye, it is on the little sparrow
And I know He's watching over you and me





Tuesday, April 4, 2017

"Take Me To Church" by Hozier


This song plays in my head a lot.  And I mean a lot.  I first listened to this song when I was watching a ballet performance from Sergei Polunin.  I never paid much attention to the song until I watched the performance recently.  It could very well be interpreted as a religious or a spiritual song, but it would be a wrong way to interpret it.  As a matter of fact it is a critique of the Catholic Church and a mix of religion and sexuality.  I wrote this out because I have had obsessions about this song.  I finally realized that there is and will always be a difference between curiosity and just plain obsessive "research".  They look similar but are far from similar.  In fact, one of them is natural; it is especially true for a child to be curious.  The other one is anxiety-driven and in the end produces even more anxiety.  So, I realize that mindfulness involves keeping that differences in mind.