Sunday, April 30, 2017

A major change and some progress

I realize that prayer has not only changed things, but have also changed me.  I have made progress, but it still at times an uphill battle.  I realize that looking back at my life has provided some peace and some sadness and regret.  I have yet to make any plans for myself. If I wish for things to change and if I wish to make even more progress, then I realize that have to take action.  The truth is, I have not taken action in the past.  I have often waited for others to do such and now it seems it has been to my detriment.  It is time for me to grow up and act my age.  I am still young, but I am fully an adult. This is the time in my life where I have learned to appreciate life and to look forward to days to come.  I think it will be okay.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Open eyes

I have put others ahead of God to the detriment of my mental health.  I didn't realize until today how much God understands what I am going through.  I have had this specific issue for the past decade now.  It is time I need to do more for myself.  I realize that the world physically is a large place, but it is still growing smaller each and every day.  I still get shy even online.  My goal is to overcome being an introvert myself and step out in faith.  I need to be bold and brave.  My goal is to go ahead out there and do and say what God says I should do.  I am thankful that I am alive and so far well.  I will be okay, so right now, that is how I am feeling.

Friday, April 28, 2017

A Change of by Jesse White

 A Change of...by Jesse White
My mood has changed, I'm feelin' sharp and dapper,
and now I'm 'bout to spit about it like a rapper, never dull as I cut through bull, towards what I'm after, a marksman, with skills as a sick syllable drafter, a lyrical crafter, you're like a laugh track with no laughter, and if you don't like the message, then change the station, cause I'm committed to this shit like a mental patient, as I drop these bars, creating a great racket, and I'm wearin' my scars like a straitjacket, I'll be takin' my dreams, and continue to pile 'em, I can't hear over the screams, but I'm granting asylum, blowin' your mind, makin' you think like you ought to be, I can see it, you're on the brink, thanks to this verbal lobotomy, I'm bred to give, get the sedative, but there's no stoppin' me, I keep repetitive rhymes, cause my flows are done properly......

bipolarpoetry.com

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Never Played the Bass

Right now, I am listening to a song by a Scandinavian artist named Nabiha.  She is singing "Never Played the Bass".  I love this song.  In fact, this is the first time I have heard of this song and the first time I have ever heard of her.  I am doing okay right now, back pain aside.  Mentally, I am also in a good place.  Physically, I am not 100%, but I will be okay there as well.  Seth Rollins is only on my mind because I am not in love.  You know when a crush becomes an obsession.  It is like a nosy person who is in love with their crush.  Okay, that was a lot.  I am happy to write that analogy down because being nosy implies an obsession.  The implication would be correct.  It was that way with another crush.  There is really no fine line between having a crush on someone and having been obsessed with someone.  Having a crush on someone has made me become cautious of any "romantic" notions I have about a person.  Anyways, I am glad that I am no longer afraid to be honest.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Panic Stricken by Philographer1545

It comes suddenly, it comes fast
You're drowning in its waves.
Thankfully, it does not last
but its sway you cannot stave.

It is a deceitful beast
blinding you with all its power,
upon your fears it will feast
Sanity, it will devour.

It paralyses, installs dread
you're overwrought with fright,
You shake, veins throbbing in your head
you're limp, smothered by its might.

Chest tight, tingling sensations
race the heart, tortures the soul
Caught in its grasp, you weaken
feels like you're losing control...

allpoetry.com

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Deut 12:1-4 is my lesson for today

  1“These are the statutes and the judgments which you shall carefully observe in the land which the LORD, the God of your fathers, has given you to possess as long as you live on the earth. 2“You shall utterly destroy all the places where the nations whom you shall dispossess serve their gods, on the high mountains and on the hills and under every green tree. 3“You shall tear down their altars and smash their sacred pillars and burn their Asherim with fire, and you shall cut down the engraved images of their gods and obliterate their name from that place. 4“You shall not act like this toward the LORD your God."

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Forgiveness is divine

I am okay today.  I realize that prayer for those who insult or have insulted me are among the most forgiveness.  There is an old saying, "To err is human, to forgive is divine."  I am finally begin to understand the idea and concept of forgiveness.  Forgiveness is about love for what one does that is sinful.  We are all sinners because either we don't truly know Jesus or because the saved still have sin in us.  Those are two kinds of people; there is no in-between.  There are also no shades of gray. Every road is either a road to life or a road to death.  Choose one.

Monday, April 17, 2017

In a good place

I am in a good place.  Because of that, I am feeling well.  I am no longer in denial.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.  Thank You, God.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

I am truly okay.

I am mentally okay.  I finally realized that caring what others think has been detrimental in every area of my life.  I am so relieved and set free from caring what others believe about me.  It isn't just a message about self esteem.  It is about loving one self.  It is also about self respect.  I believe that when a person spends his or her life trying to please other people, then they begin to lose a sense of self.  I finally realized that for the first time, I am worth it.  I am worthy and I respect myself.  That isn't just a good feeling.  It is also spiritually and emotionally free.  I love this sense of freedom.  I have been saved not only from sin (though saying we have no sin in us is a lie) but also from doubt, fear, anxiety, and being scared.  It would have also a negative effect on my reaching out to others due to the doubt and the guilt.  I cannot create any videos and witness to others about the Lord whenever I partake in sin that I have not repented of.  That in my opinion was why I have spent my life worrying so much about food, weight, and just worrying period.  I have struggled for years, and it has been a stronghold.  Finally, I feel a huge weight lifted off of me.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Doctor's appointment

I have come to realize thanks to my doctor, that if I want to control my appetite, then I have got to keep taking my meds.  Right now, I feel so encouraged by that news.  I realize that I can handle things myself and I have done so, at least to a point.  I have been binge-eating lately which if I don't , then my health will worsen.  I even felt that my body was shutting down.  Good news: it wasn't shutting down.  It only feels that way.  I believe that if I want to work at my weight, and all other issues, then I wouldn't feel so badly about my health.

Monday, April 10, 2017

How am I doing?

I am okay.  There is not much that I can say right now.  I feel okay right now.  I am not worried though.  I am distracted right now.  I realize that a distraction, even a little bit, will do me no good.  I get distracted often so I need to either improve on my "lack of distraction skills".  In other words, I have a rather short attention span.  That is unfortunate and that needs to change.  I am doing better at that, however.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

"His Eye is on The Sparrow" by Sister Rosetta Tharpe



Why should I feel discouraged?
And why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for heavenly home
When Jesus is my portion?
And my constant friend is He
You know, his eye is on the little sparrow
And I know he cares for you and me
His eye is on the little sparrow
And I know God is watching over you and me

I sing because my soul is a happy
I sing because I'm free
For His eye, it is on the little sparrow
And I know He's watching over you and me





Tuesday, April 4, 2017

"Take Me To Church" by Hozier


This song plays in my head a lot.  And I mean a lot.  I first listened to this song when I was watching a ballet performance from Sergei Polunin.  I never paid much attention to the song until I watched the performance recently.  It could very well be interpreted as a religious or a spiritual song, but it would be a wrong way to interpret it.  As a matter of fact it is a critique of the Catholic Church and a mix of religion and sexuality.  I wrote this out because I have had obsessions about this song.  I finally realized that there is and will always be a difference between curiosity and just plain obsessive "research".  They look similar but are far from similar.  In fact, one of them is natural; it is especially true for a child to be curious.  The other one is anxiety-driven and in the end produces even more anxiety.  So, I realize that mindfulness involves keeping that differences in mind.

Monday, April 3, 2017

"I Won't Let You Fall (Lean on Me)" by Helen Miller


Jesus said if you lean on me
Jesus said you can lean on me
Jesus said if you lean on me
And I won’t let you fall, if you just lean on me
Jesus said if you - lean on me
Jesus said if you just - lean on me
Oh! Jesus said you can - lean on me
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall if you lean on me
Oh! I will bare your burdens if you - lean on me
Oh! I’ll bare your burdens if you just - lean on me
Oh! I know how to bare your burdens you can - lean on me
I won’t let you fall, oh; I won’t let you fall if you lean on me
And when the load gets heavy you can - lean on me
Oh! When the load gets heavy you can - lean on me
Oh! When the load gets heavy you can always - lean on me

I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall if you lean on me
Oh! Jesus said if you - lean on me
Oh! Jesus said if you just - lean on me
Oh! I heard Jesus say you can - lean on me
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall if you lean on me
Instrumental Only - Music
Drums, Tambourine and clapping only this section
You don’t if to worry if you - lean on me
Oh! You don’t have to worry if you - lean on me
Oh! You don’t have to worry if you just - lean on me
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I promise not to let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I promise not to let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I know how to hold you; I won’t let you fall
I know how to hold you; I won’t let you fall
If you just lean on me; I won’t let you fall
You can just lean on me; I won’t let you fall
In the midnight hour; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
You can lean on me; I won’t let you fall
You can lean on me; I won’t let you fall
When a load get heavy; I won’t let you fall
When your load get heavy; I won’t let you fall
I’ll bare your burdens; I won’t let you fall
I’ll bare your burdens; I won’t let you fall
Drums, Tambourine and clapping only this section
My yokes is easy; I won’t let you fall
My burden is light; I won’t let you fall
I don’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
You can lean on me; I won’t let you fall
You can lean on me; I won’t let you fall
When everybody else is gone; I won’t let you fall
You can lean on me; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you; I won’t let you fall
No! I won’t let you; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
Never, never let you fall; I won’t let you fall
If you lean on me; I won’t let you fall
If you lean on me; I won’t let you fall
I’ll be there; I won’t let you fall
I’ll be there; I won’t let you fall
I’ll never leave you; I won’t let you fall
I’ll never forsake you; I won’t let you fall
Come on and lean on me; I won’t let you fall
Come on and lean on me; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
Oh, No! I won’t let you fall
Oh, No! I won’t let you fall
Come on and give Him praise – Instrumental Only Section
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
Oh, No! I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
You can depend on me; I won’t let you fall
You can lean on me; I won’t let you fall
You can trust in me; I won’t let you fall if you lean on me
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Oh thank you Lord!
Thank you that I got somebody to lean on
Thank you that I got a leaning post
Thank you that I’m not on my own, oh Lordy - Hallelujah