From 12/26/13:
My obsessions bore me. Once they end, it is as if I have to ask myself, what is next? Why can't I just give myself room to breathe. I cannot even watch a movie or a simple video without being triggered. I cannot even read a book without being afraid of a trigger. My world has gotten smaller, much smaller. I want to learn and grow and expand my world. It is not happening as I write this. Where do I begin? Why am I so afraid? How do I overcome my fear? It is all fiction. It is all vanity. I have to constantly remind myself of that I guess.
I am a person who doesn't offend that easily though there are things that are offensive. It depends on context and on how I would react to something. How do I overcome the fear that I have? How does perfect love cast out fear? What are things that I like to do? What shows do I like to watch? What are books do I like to read? How can I know what movie to watch without being afraid that something like a thought would be triggered by a word or two. That is scary to me. A thought would be triggered by a movie review, or anything. I could use some prayer and I could use some help. I just hope things will turn out alright.
After all this time:
I still deal with these same issues. My counselor has given me some questions to answer whenever a thought arise?
1. Are they meaningful?
2. Will they matter in the near future?
3. Are they of any value?
4. How will they affect me on a personal level?
The truth is, I already know the answers. They have no meaning, they are not real, or of no value. Therefore, they really don't have an effect on a personal level because it is not my story. Now I need to further ask myself these questions:
1. Do they honor God?
2. Do they honor me?
3. Can they really hurt me?
4. Why do I have these thoughts?
5. What are my fears and how to face them?
6. What are really the most important things to me?
Number 6 especially is a question that could be a biography. It is about searching myself and for myself. To answer the other 5, these thoughts can not really hurt me. No matter how real they may seem, I know that if I were to take a couple of steps back, then I could see clearly enough to know that all I have to do is answer that they are not real and real life is what I see on television. No thought has ever hurt me, but they have scared me. I look back and I still wonder sometimes what I am afraid of. It is like something big and giant that is so scary that anything can be a trigger can scares me, but that something has never harmed me, but they scare me. I guess it is the fear of the unknown. I will never know and that bothers me. The what if's, the why's, and the how's scare me. I hate uncertainty and that scares me too. I need to change that aspect of my character. I guess it is a character flaw, but it could be just a part of the doubting disease. Will I ever come to a conclusion deep inside my heart that those doubts and fears do not have to control me? I have done that for years and the thoughts have kept on looping and looping and looping. The thoughts, doubts, and fears linger on and on. It has left me with nothing but stress, more unanswered questions, and more anxiety. I guess if these thoughts of no real value cannot hurt me, then why am I scared? Why do I keep avoiding them? Why do I care if I have these specific thoughts so much? All I know is about the last question. Sometimes I have to learn that some things just don't matter, because as it seems, nothing seems to make sense in the world anyways.
My obsessions bore me. Once they end, it is as if I have to ask myself, what is next? Why can't I just give myself room to breathe. I cannot even watch a movie or a simple video without being triggered. I cannot even read a book without being afraid of a trigger. My world has gotten smaller, much smaller. I want to learn and grow and expand my world. It is not happening as I write this. Where do I begin? Why am I so afraid? How do I overcome my fear? It is all fiction. It is all vanity. I have to constantly remind myself of that I guess.
I am a person who doesn't offend that easily though there are things that are offensive. It depends on context and on how I would react to something. How do I overcome the fear that I have? How does perfect love cast out fear? What are things that I like to do? What shows do I like to watch? What are books do I like to read? How can I know what movie to watch without being afraid that something like a thought would be triggered by a word or two. That is scary to me. A thought would be triggered by a movie review, or anything. I could use some prayer and I could use some help. I just hope things will turn out alright.
After all this time:
I still deal with these same issues. My counselor has given me some questions to answer whenever a thought arise?
1. Are they meaningful?
2. Will they matter in the near future?
3. Are they of any value?
4. How will they affect me on a personal level?
The truth is, I already know the answers. They have no meaning, they are not real, or of no value. Therefore, they really don't have an effect on a personal level because it is not my story. Now I need to further ask myself these questions:
1. Do they honor God?
2. Do they honor me?
3. Can they really hurt me?
4. Why do I have these thoughts?
5. What are my fears and how to face them?
6. What are really the most important things to me?
Number 6 especially is a question that could be a biography. It is about searching myself and for myself. To answer the other 5, these thoughts can not really hurt me. No matter how real they may seem, I know that if I were to take a couple of steps back, then I could see clearly enough to know that all I have to do is answer that they are not real and real life is what I see on television. No thought has ever hurt me, but they have scared me. I look back and I still wonder sometimes what I am afraid of. It is like something big and giant that is so scary that anything can be a trigger can scares me, but that something has never harmed me, but they scare me. I guess it is the fear of the unknown. I will never know and that bothers me. The what if's, the why's, and the how's scare me. I hate uncertainty and that scares me too. I need to change that aspect of my character. I guess it is a character flaw, but it could be just a part of the doubting disease. Will I ever come to a conclusion deep inside my heart that those doubts and fears do not have to control me? I have done that for years and the thoughts have kept on looping and looping and looping. The thoughts, doubts, and fears linger on and on. It has left me with nothing but stress, more unanswered questions, and more anxiety. I guess if these thoughts of no real value cannot hurt me, then why am I scared? Why do I keep avoiding them? Why do I care if I have these specific thoughts so much? All I know is about the last question. Sometimes I have to learn that some things just don't matter, because as it seems, nothing seems to make sense in the world anyways.
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