Monday, August 31, 2015


Last night was a rough night.  The word recoil was hard to overcome without making me anxious.  It was based on an episode of NCIS, called "Recoil" where a promiscuous wife was killed by her husband.  It bothered me so much.  I realize that being mindful and thoughtful helped me to see that it was not real.  Thoughts come and go.  I learned to be mindful of my surroundings, no matter how worrisome the thoughts are.  I also spent some time wondering how many men she slept with, why a woman would cheat, and if she ever, ever loved her husband.  I believe that adultery is about deception and selfishness.  I don't hate adulterers.  I believe that they are pitiful; they are in need of guidance, wisdom, and understanding.  Communication may be all that it takes.  Btu whatever the reason, one also has to love themselves, for there are consequences to infidelity and fornication.  Many do not realize it until it is too late and that is sad.  I guess that I will never know.  I guess with those obsessive thoughts and compulsions, all I can do is just let them be and forget about the time-wasting answer or answers.  I realize that there are more important things than giving in to compulsions which can be a struggle, at least difficult to overcome.  I have to learn that I too am an adulteress and deceitful as I believe we all are.  Adultery is being a friend of the world, but an enemy of the Lord. Those who are the few will walk that road that leads to life.  They are faithful and true.  The world does not love us.  It has never loved us, and never will.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

A Sound Mind

Having a sound mind is also necessary.  I am to be strong and brave and fearless.  Sadly those things don't come easily for me.  It is made worse by having anxiety.  However, I am learning to overcome those fears in my life.  I realize that the fears are really the result of anxiety.  I fear confrontation but that is because of anxiety.  Being anxious is not fun.  It can be and it is scary at times.  Ironic, isn't it? I often find myself living my worst fears whenever I have something to fear about.  On the other hand, a little anxiety can be a good thing.  However, this is not an easy thing to admit.  Anxiety is the opposite of a sound mind.  I can renew my mind, which would produce an even more sound mind. Why didn't I think of that before?

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Holiness is mandatory.

I am to live holy just as God is Holy.  That is what I desire.  Holiness means to set apart for the service of the Lord.  I finally realize that today.  His word is to be obeyed and that is truth.  Holiness, truth, and obedience are required for a believer included.  That is what I have finally realized.  I don't HAVE to watch TV or movies.  I don't HAVE to do a lot of things.  If only I can apply that to myself. That will go a long way into overcoming my obsessive thoughts.

Friday, August 28, 2015

What I really need

I have finally woken up to the reality that I need to do more with my life.  I am cooped up in the house using the computer most of the day.  I don't go out much and though things have improved, there is still some ways to go.  I am happy to say that while there are still obsessive thoughts that bother me, I realize that they don't have to bring me down.  I for a long time felt horrible about myself.  It was as if the whole world hated me. I guess I will never know certain things.  I realize that they no longer matter.  Someone else's imagination doesn't have to be mine.  A figment of one's imagination written on paper or shown on screen doesn't have to bother me anymore.  It is no longer real to me.  It took a while to realize that within my brain and it is not "over" sort of speak, but I no longer so much that it causes worry and apprehension.  I do need a social life; I need to travel and explore the world more.  I need to schedule more things.  I would like to and need to do more and see more.  I could exercise more.  I could just do a lot of more of those things.  It is time I do something that makes me more independent.  Independence is what I need.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

"Tamed" mind

Right now, I have a headache that will hopefully go away.  Funny enough, I had a stomach that finally went away.  I will be alright though.  I just need to rest for I have an appointment tomorrow.  I finally realize that being mindful and paying attention are key to me as far as anxiety goes.  There are times where I feel my mind goes all over the place.  This is one of those moments.  I am now calmed down, which is a blessing.  I realize that Christianity keeps me grounded.  I am not an expert on other religions.  My religion has a Savior who is Omnipotent and Omnipresent.  He died on the cross for me.  I have questions that I should ask but never got around to it.  Why do good people suffer when it seems that the wicked are blessed?  Those are the kind of questions that I have realized I should have been asking.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Helping others

Helping others is about service.  We as believers are called for service and to be helpful, humble, and kind.  I believe that serving others shouldn't be about making oneself feel better.  Helping others is about loving one's fellow man.  It is not selfish, but kind.  It is most definitely an act of love.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Re-post from yesterday 8/24/15

I wonder how hard it is to be mindful.  So far, it hasn't been easy.  I can get distracted easily and that is the problem.  Mindfulness teaches me about relaxation.  I guess I am a type A personality.  I am also have a "perfectionist" complex.  I want everything to be just right.  My guess it could also stem in part from the OCD.  I have had this issue for years and because of that, being aware became a necessity.  I would like to make a mistake and just be a human being who lives life.  I believe that once I "master" being so mindful, life will be more livable again.

Monday, August 24, 2015

The difficulty of being mindful

I wonder how hard it is to be mindful.  So far, it hasn't been easy.  I can get distracted easily and that is the problem.  Mindfulness teaches me about relaxation.  I guess I am a type A personality.  I am also have a "perfectionist" complex.  I want everything to be just right.  My guess it could also stem in part from the OCD.  I have had this issue for years and because of that, being aware became a necessity.  I would like to make a mistake and just be a human being who lives life.  I believe that once I "master" being so mindful, life will be more livable again.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Definitions...Being mindful and being thoughtful

Define Thoughtful:
           Absorbed in or involving thought
           Showing compassion for one's fellow man

Define Mindful
            Conscious or aware of something

Based on the definitions above, I guess I can be mindful and thoughtful.  I have learned that being mindful can be more difficult for me than being thoughtful.  I don't have a hard time telling the truth and admitting things.However, I do have issues with anxiety.  Anxiety is a lack of a peace of mind.  It can be a scary, dark place at times.  Anxiety can take control but mindfulness is about connecting the dots between being truthful and being considerate or conscious of the things around us.  It was as if I had to learn the hard way.  It was all about you know, fiction.  I was anxious about fiction yet I have come to realize that fictional characters are about someone else's admittance through creation of characters and scenarios.  Anxiety makes these characters all too well.  Avoidance is about being safe, safe from the worst case scenario.  It also seems like I tend to run away from those thoughts.  I have to be mindful as well as to contemplate what is actually true. Both are deliberate actions that can be and are the solutions in my mind to deal with and overcome the anxiety that I have.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Being mindful

 Last night I began to be mindful and "take a step back".  To me that is what mindfulness is about.  I was "wondering" if should have watched this Lifetime movie called "In My Sleep".  It was an interesting premise, but I did not watch it.  Anyways, the man killed his wife because she slept with his best friend who he set up.  I spent at least an hour trying to do "research" on this film.  After learning to be mindful about having to even watch the movie, the decision was made.  As I was being mindful, I have come to realize that watching the movie and doing "research" wasted my time.  I have decided to watch something else.  It is rather strange that I no longer have any interest in watching the film.  However mindfulness have calmed my mind because it helped me see the surroundings.  I have learned that reality is my best friend in the mist of the "untamed" mind.

Friday, August 21, 2015

I hope and pray that it no longer matters...

Sports and some rest are great for me. I realize that I have to accept the fact that the answers that I so seek are not the answers that I so seek. In short, a little bit of uncertainty is okay. I have to fight. I need to stand up to the OCD. It is a bully that has almost brought me down this morning. However, for the past few days, I had sleep disturbances. I will never know why I have these thoughts. I realize that I will never know. It no longer matters. Now I can say that as far as the content of specific thoughts, it doesn't matter. I am a bit anxious, but since I have slept and since I had this realization, my anxiety is going away. It is slow, but it is finally going away. The images are based on thoughts that don't affect me personally. I am saddened that like so many people, I get caught up on things of the world including television. I

 have to learn not to do that especially with talk shows or with fiction. This is not real. I know this but my mind says it is real and I have to do research and look up message boards in order to find the answers that I "need" because of the uncertainty. I will never be certain of everything, and that is okay. Having this mindset and learning to embrace this disorder will help me in the long run. It could even improve my sleep. I choose not to be anxious. I choose to embrace the OCD. I choose not to see fiction as reality so that it is not blurred. I choose not to take things so personally. I also choose to accept that I won't be able to find the answers to everything. I guess I can repeat all of that. I am feeling better already. I finally seem to have a good handle on the situation.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Unhealthy obsession with weight from a person who needs help

Today I have come to realize that I need to take a few steps back and relax.  I have been obsessed with losing weight.  It has consumed me at times.  However, I do wonder if it is an obsessive thought.  Maybe I should obsess about it.  I am overweight clinically and my desire is to lose weight and keep it off.  I feel like I have never had to lose so much weight in my life.  However, the truth is I never had to lose weight all of my life.  My goal is to lose a substantial amount of weight and keep it off.  It is of no use to obsess and worry about it.  It is better to relax in order to overcome my fears.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Sunday Best

I am watching BET.  Much of the content of BET is enough for me to be anxious, lol.  I know that some of it is fiction, but I do watch some of the programming on Sunday.  Right now, I am watching "Sunday Best".  It is somewhat like the gospel version of "American Idol".  The judges on 'Sunday Best" are tough at times, but they aren't brutal or humiliating to the contestants.  I expect that would be the case, especially since the show is about gospel music.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

The "Travel" Channel

I really don't have anything to say when it comes to the OCD.  That is really good.  That is because I have changed the channel so to speak.  The channel I have changed to is travel.  I have been putting it off for years.  I have always wanted to travel to other places and learn new cultures.  Learning about these cultures are things I find fascinating.  I even have silly reasons for why I want to learn Spanish.  I want to learn for fun and so that I would know what those on the telenovelas are saying.  I have been watching them off and on for years.  Because I learned Spanish in high school I can make out what the actors and actresses are saying. However, it doesn't match actually traveling or speaking to the residents.  It is more personal and I actually get to meet new people.  That is my goal.  That is what I want to do.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Dream I had

Sometimes having dreams can be  a good thing.  Dreams can be inspiration.  They can also teach a lesson.  I wonder if dreams are also spiritual. I have thoughts about that for a long time, if not, today.  It was about an infidelity dream based on a canceled television show.  I wanted to know if the person has cheated or not. My brother told me that a couple of people have done so.  As a result, it has been difficult to overcome that answer.  Like these thoughts I have, I realize that there are things that no longer matter in the grand scheme of things.  However, that is easier said that done.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Taking a few steps

I have learned to take a few steps back.  That means that I will have to think about what is truly real and what it isn't.  I am feeling better today.  I have practiced it.  What is real is what is making me feel like I can focus.  Focusing is quite hard at times.  I realize that if I wish to have control over the obsessive thoughts, then I don't take pleasure in those thoughts.  It will also mean that I need to be more consistent in at least focusing on what is real and what it is not.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

How I should be spending my time

Taking a few steps back and seeing what is truly real has been of great help to me.  The images in themselves are based on sinful activity.  They are of lust and fear.  I have no reason to fear lust and infidelity, not even if it is in my face.  I realize that I do spend too much time being busy and not enough time being religious.  I realize that I don't have to keep myself so busy.  All I have to do is to spend time changing the channel to the Lord.  The Lord keeps me busy in prayer and in Bible reading.  I wished I had realized that earlier.  Sadly, I cannot change what happened in the past. After all, the Bible does say be anxious for nothing.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Blessing in disguise

Strangely enough, OCD has been a blessing in disguise.  I wasn't sure what to write in this blog other than to prove this point.  I have learned more about myself than I ever had.  I realize that I am not as powerless as I thought I was going to.  I am doing so much better, because it is still manageable.  I feel okay about that, but I have to realize that changing the channel is the answer.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Things I used to do I wish I could do again.

I used to love watching movies.  This was until a few years ago when I had first developed the worst of my OCD symptoms.  I had and still have obsessive thoughts about what I watch on television and in the movies. It is bad enough for me to say that there are movies that I don't wish to see nor have in my home.  It is a strange thing to say, but I even prayed about the movies that I hope not to watch or hope not to see.  The idea of love scenes and the images of love scenes enthrall yet scare me at the same time.  I have finally realize that it isn't just infidelity it is fear plain and simple.  Nowadays, it is as if my mind plays tricks on me.  My beliefs are often questioned and I am often questioned.  I feel so alone sometimes and it was much much worse at first.  I sometimes wonder if I just turn the TV off.  How do I separate myself from everything that causes me fear and anxiety?  Does it matter why this would worry me so?  Maybe I should just change the literal and proverbial channel.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Fictional characters

I have had thoughts about a lot of things.  I feel like going crazy.  I am not, however, gone crazy.  I am going to write that I don't care about fictional characters.  They are figments are one's imagination, so why do I care?  I should treat it like something that one should take with a grain of salt.  However, it does matter.  I do care.  I want to know what is going on with the characters and their lives.  I want to know why this person would cheat, or get angry.  I want to be nosy and know all of those things, yet I look and read anyway.  On the other hand, it is frustrating and nerve-wracking at the same time.  I hate it but I derive pleasure from it. I hate avoidance and I want to live life.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

"Relax Your Mind" by Boyz II Men feat. Faith Evans

"Relax Your Mind"
(feat. Faith Evans)

Come on, come on
I know you've heard this line a thousand times that
The way you look tonight just blow my mind
Let's go some place for we could talk a while
Cause I don't wanna lose this vibe
Don't wanna push you but where are your friends yeah
I'll make sure that you get home when the party ends
There's some place I'm sure you would like to know
Just as long as you don't say no

Don't wanna waste your time (I don't wanna waste your time)
Sit back and relax your mind (relax your mind)
I wanna be what you need and more
Just tell me what you like (what you like, what you like)

Girl are you hungry let me cook for you
My place is near just right out a park we knew
I know a place that's just not too far away
Flight first class New York to LA

Listen, I know you're feeling me
I'm feeling you
So let's thank this now before we try to make this mood
I won't say words I don't really mean
Cause I want you to stay with me

Don't wanna waste your time (don't wanna)
Sit back and relax your mind (sit back and relax your mind)
I wanna be what you need and more (what you need)
Just tell me what you like (tell me tell me what you like baby)
Don't wanna waste your time (I don't wanna)
Sit back and relax your mind (tell me what you want from me)
I wanna be what you need and more (you know I'll give it to you)
Just tell me what you like (tell me what you like)

I like it, I like it, I really really like it
I'm for it, adore it Boyz II Men you got me open
I like it, I like it, I really really like it
I'm for it, adore it Boyz II Men you got me open
And you got me

Don't wanna waste your time (And I don't wanna waste)
Sit back and relax your mind (sit back and relax your mind)
(Just relax your mind)
I wanna be what you need and more (Cause I wanna I wanna be)
Just tell me what you like
Don't wanna waste your time (don't wanna waste no)
Sit back and relax your mind (you sit back and relax your mind)
(Just relax your mind)
I wanna be what you need and more
Just tell me what you like (Ohh yeah)

Thursday, August 6, 2015

I cannot take it anymore

I wish I could burst into tears.  Right now I am at a point where I just want to give up.  I had no clue how hard things can be.  It is I am climbing an uphill every single time.  It is as if sometimes the writing is on the wall for me.  I am doomed and destined for failure.  Maybe the problem is, all I do is try.  That is the issue. The thing that I am afraid of the most I am already living it.  Maybe that is the problem.  I have not dealt with the failure.  Failure is not a good thing.  It is not a lesson to be learned.  It looks to be a trait that I have. I feel like a failure in general.  How do I overcome that?

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

I had a revelation.

Wow.  I just had a revelation. I am to do the will of the Father.  I have come to realize that that is the Answer all along.  I have been slow to this truth and that has been the Answer to everything.  Watching television?  What is in God's will?  What are the thoughts that should be fed?  There are things that my mind should be fed on.  I have had poor thinking all of this time.  I could pinch myself.  This revelation has given me the clarity that I have needed.  Doing the will of the Father is about being of the Father and doing not just what He says, but what he does.  We are to be holy.  Is MMA sinful?  Is Pro-Wrestling sinful?  Those are questions that I myself need to ask.  Wondering why a woman would cheat with 10 men isn't what I would consider godly, but those are the thoughts that I have.  How do I deal with them?  Why I have these thoughts matter less than God's will for what should be on my mind?  I have had OCD most of my life and the only thing that has kept me "sane" was God.  I found other things mostly distractions but it was as if God was becoming a distraction and that was a problem I had.  I thank the Lord for this revelation today.  I know now how concerned He is with even the "small" stuff.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Fighting the good fight

Fight the good fight.  The Bible says to fight the good fight of faith.  I do wonder of there is a spiritual link when it comes to having ocd.  After a bit of prayer or two, I get clarity of mind.  That is just something I have noticed.  I have wondered for years if there is something demonic about OCD.  I would like nothing more than a cure.  I am tired of manageability.  I am tired of it all.  I am just tired.  Maybe that is the problem.  I am just tired too often.  I also guess this is where faith comes in.  God, it is all yours.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

It will be a while before I am cured.

Today I have to learn that even those things that I don't avoid scare me.  The obsessive thoughts scare me.  I feel like sometimes running away from them.  I just don't have that strength or that power.  I need to face my fear.  I feel all alone sometimes.  Loneliness and having no one to relate to is very difficult.  Maybe if I could just explain my issues, then I would feel better.  I finally did to my mother, who has been very helpful.  I remember that day.  I will never forget it.  My eyes were beginning to open and much of the anxiety went away.  If only that continues to happen.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

It sounds crazy but it just might work.

I find myself agreeing with the thoughts.  I don't mean to, but I "hate" some people.  I have accepted the fact that some people just aren't likable. I have realized that one has to use reverse psychology on these thoughts. Now these thoughts don't bother me anymore.  Some people just aren't nice people who not so nice things. The thoughts give me pause sometimes and now I now wonder if I should have done that all along. I have no idea that this was a solution that is crazy, but it just might work.  For instance, I wonder if my "crush" was a racist.  I personally don't believe he was a racist, but my thoughts say that he is.  How come he is rarely in pictures or videos with people of other groups particularly with black people?  He may like some black celebrities, but he can still be a racist.  Just like Archie Bunker, in a way. I have to watch the episode with Sammy Davis, Jr. (RIP).

It is weird but I believe that the reverse psychology works.  Those thoughts no longer bother me.  I find myself agreeing with those thoughts, even about fictional characters.  That is even harder.  What is true is that they are creations of one's imagination, so why the fear?  I have had this fear the whole time I had these thoughts.  Infidelity used to either be an exciting topic.  Now it has become a rather scary topic.  I wish I sometimes had other topics that scare me.  That makes no sense.  I am tired of being scared of the infidelity. I have allowed the fear to take over.  I have avoided things that I thought I would never avoid.  I realize that what is written I have to take for granted sometimes.  I have also realized that my fears are really unfounded. I did not sin, but how can I overcome the sins that others have done?  Agreeing with the thoughts may actually be strange in this case but it is just might work.