Wednesday, July 29, 2015

"Tired" OCD posts

Tell me about it.

Do I have OCD or am I so "OCD"?

Should I have said that?

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The "complicated" mind

I am scared that I will end up turning into the person of the past.  I was lazy and unmotivated.  I have finally realized that I need to keep things simple.  Everything I seem to do seems to turn into a complication.  This is even true when it comes to boiling an egg.  It is not that I am inept, but it is as if my thinking is too "complicated" to do some simple things.  I wish I knew what else is wrong with me.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Wishing and thinking

I sometimes wish that I had obsessive thoughts about something else.  Having obsessive thoughts about what I have are mentally "painful".  Not only is it anxiety-producing, but it can also take one places where the mind does not want to go.  I have had that happen a lot.  In fact, though it has been a while since I had these thoughts, I am even more thankful that they just come and go.  Maybe it is the racing thoughts.  Maybe it is something else.  But whatever it is, I am glad that it is brief.  However, I feel like mind is playing tricks on me. That has happened a lot, no matter the subject, whether it is infidelity or religion.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Relationship reflections

The thought of a man killing his wife is rather scary in itself, even when she does him wrong.  Be a man and leave her.  Why doesn't he find someone better  who will not do him wrong?  Is it too hard to ask?  The same goes for women.  Drop the guy like a bad habit.  He meant you no good either. That is really all I have to say.  Relationships scare me. I guess in some situations, familiarity breeds contempt.  Yet those who have been married after even 10-15 years are to be admired.  From what I gather about marriage, they know the value of hard work.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Follow the Word and therefore follow The Truth

I have taken too much focus on my entertainment choices.  However, I already knew that and I am beginning to sound like a broken record.  I have finally prayed and opened up my heart to the Lord.  I realize that the obsessive thoughts and fears have guided me.  I have not allowed the Holy Spirit to do the same thing.  At times I tend to forget that "God is in the details."  This world is not eternal as it will pass away.  I know that this is in the Good Book.  This means I realize that the Spirit of God is the Spirit of Truth and Wisdom.  The Holy Spirit is almost the Spirit of Guidance, Faith, and Strength.  I wish I had thought about this.  I spend more time entertaining myself even with ungodly tv shows and not asking the Lord what is appropriate for me to watch.   It took a bit of anxiety to realize that I needed to live out as a believer in Christ who doesn't put the tv or music or radio ahead of knowing God.  I am feeling so much better now that the anxiety is gone and that my problem is over, for now.

Friday, July 24, 2015


Clarity is the word I would use to describe my frame of mind.  Right now, I am doing well.  However, I am not 100%.  For me, being 100% means that I would be free of not just the thoughts but the compulsions. I have grown tired of the compulsions, but they are a major struggle to overcome.  I wish that I could just quit cold turkey but as it seems, I can not. I wish I could just stop them, but I just don't know how.  They just give me a sense of certainly in a world where uncertainties are almost prevalent. I don't obsess over them like I once did but I just wish that overcoming them would be so much easier.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Walking on eggshells with relatives

How am I doing?  I am feeling so much better today.  However, I am still struggling with something going on in the house.  I am scared of what my family members in the house are going to do to me.  I am getting tired of them.  I have toxic relatives who are driving me to walk on eggshells every time I walk in the house.  They make my anxiety worse and I have no idea how to cope and be more productive.  I also need to be more assertive.  I have had obsessive thoughts that were vile and just plain nasty.  I know that they are never going to happen, but the thought of them grossed me out.  I just put them aside.  They have been nosy and at times rude.  Things have changed and not for the better.  I have gotten too used to it, but I want it to end.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Having to accept it

I have had obsessive thoughts and performed compulsions on things that I initially had such as infidelity.  It was just infidelity with just one person.  It snowballed with committing infidelity with more than one person, including numerous people. It snowballed also into everything that infidelity entails.  In past blogs, I write often about the snowballing, but it has been hard to accept.  I realize that the key to acceptance is to react by "not reacting". That is quite a difficulty thing  to do.  I have to mentally and verbally accept the fact that infidelity does happen and that the consequences are divorce, lack of trust and respect, and DNA tests. It is so sad that DNA tests are even made.  This is a consequence of fornication.  Divorce can be a consequence of fornication.  I just that there are a lot of consequences to fornication.  Marriage is sacred.  It is between a man and a woman.  I believe God hates divorce as much as He hates infidelity, fornication, or lying.  That is what is seems has happened to many, including in the Church.  We as the Church are to be Ambassadors of Jesus Christ.  How can we be Ambassadors when so many of us fornicate, commit adultery, and cheat.  I have heard that there are as many divorces and scandals in the church as there is out in the world.  This is so sad.  I have to accept the fact that some people choose to be no good.  I accept the fact that I don't like people who commit infidelity because they are not good people.  I also accept the fact that they don't love or respect their spouses and their vows.  These are the thoughts that I had a hard time accepting because it could be true or it could be false.  Are adulterers generally no good people who don't love their spouses? I don't know, but I have to accept that there are people who, real or fictional, commit infidelity for whatever reason and it takes time and patience as well as complete and total honesty.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

The Bachelor enterprise.

I think that honesty and acceptance go hand in hand.  While I am no longer a fan of the Bachelor enterprise, I was a fan once.  I don't hate or actually dislike the show.  I have just realized that the shows are staged.Most if not all of those shows are not real so to speak.  If I had other thoughts about the Bachelor enterprise then why now.  I refuse to reason things.  Reasoning and reassurance are my enemies, not my friends.  How to keep in mind is the real issue.  So how do I really accept these thoughts?  By just being honest.

Monday, July 20, 2015

The Bachelorette

I wish that I would get over this whole obsession compulsion things.  For a minute there, I thought that encouraging people would be the answer.  I had anxiety concerning the Bachelorette.  I have no idea what is going to happen.  The problem is, I never planned to have anymore anxiety today about a show that I don't like.  I don't wish to convince myself about what this particular show. I think that the Bachelor is staged, if not fake.  Trust me, I know about staged entertainment.  I am a pro wrestling fan.  Strangely enough, I even had obsessive thoughts about it, the Rock and Goldberg in particular.  I felt so alone at times. I also realize that this too shall pass and it did.  I have accepted that pro wrestling will always be a part of my life.  Now how do I accept this?

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Fictional characters

How do I just stop cold turkey?  I have to realize that it is hard to overcome compulsions.  I have learned to deal with not only my obsessive thoughts, but also look at my compulsions.  I realize that something is wrong whenever have obsessive thoughts about fictional characters.  How do I overcome those compulsions and those things that worry me?  It is a cycle that I wish to break.

Saturday, July 18, 2015


I don't doubt that I am saved.  I am glad.  My hope is that it stays that way. I go to some websites as a compulsion.  I am beginning to hate the compulsions but to a point.  It does answer my questions that I so seek.  However, how do I know if they are telling me the entire truth?  I have been spending a lot of my day and night doing research assurance on things such as cheating and entertainment.  It seems so silly to others. However, it isn't so silly to me.  Maybe I need to realize that it is a struggle.  I also have to quit this cold turkey but that is not going to work.  However, if I can come so far with dealing with the thoughts, then I realize that I can do this.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Having doubts about salvation

I have had obsessive doubts about a number of things, such as a wife's infidelity, celebrities, and making a budget.  However, the one category that has much to do with my life and that is my salvation.  It can be "painful" because it is based on my real life.  I have accepted Jesus 20 years ago, but since then I have had doubts about being saved, even up to now. I have prayed over and over for Jesus to save me. and I wonder if that lack of faith will take me straight to Hell.  I don't want to take part, any part, in the Lake of Fire.  I want to be with God in the New Jerusalem.  My hope is that I have walked the narrow road.  Sadly, only a few will find it.  I hope that I have been walking that narrow road.  I know it only takes one time, but it would worry me because it is about where I would spend my eternity.  In this area, I need definite help.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

I really am..

I have realized that with OCD, if you can't beat them, join them.  It is like a reverse psychology one places on the thoughts.  For instance, there are celebrities that I have no issue with, but others do.  I won't name them, but all I know is that they are not the most popular.  I really let it out.  I finally said that I don't like this person.  In fact, I hate this person.  In reality, I don't mean it, but I realize that the thoughts tell me to hate this person because others hate this person, too.  No matter what wrong someone has done, I have decided to hold it against said person or people.  Sometimes what they said or did was egregious in my opinion, but I try not to care, nor do I hate that person in reality.  Strangely enough, it is my way of reacting to the thoughts.  It is crazy but it works.  I finally to let those feelings out.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

I am doing okay.

I am okay today.  However, I was too busy being down and out eating a lot of 'bad" foods to even have any major obsessive thoughts.  I feel a whole lot better as far as obsessive thoughts go.  I hope that I don't have any obsessive thoughts as well as being down.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Dove and the cross

Having OCD has taught me that embracing a thought is almost difficult, especially when the thoughts are annoying, or worse.  I remember when it was much worse.  It all happened in the matter of just over eight years.  All of my health problems came upon me at once.  There were times when things were really bad. My situation was so bad that I began to use the internet as a form of safety.  In other words, the internet helped shield me from the world.  What is so ironic is that this is also the same instrument that has kept the anxiety and compulsions going.  I never struggled to embrace these thoughts fully.  In fact, I am fearful that a new sudden thought will arrive.  It is not really a matter of if, but when.  This dove is a symbol of peace that I finally have once I realize that none of these thoughts will have any real impact on my life.  For me at least, the truth is, I realize that it matters less and less.  I don't have to fight it or convince myself.  It only makes things worse.  I guess that is what acceptance really is, and today's lesson, not only gives me comfort, but also gives me some clarity, which is exactly what I need.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

The answer I so seek.

I just don't like women who would cheat on or hurt a good man.  There.  That is it.  That is why I have those obsessive thoughts about infidelity.  However I did not think that I would have obsessive thoughts that wouldn't just go away.  I was watching an episode of Sally Jessie Raphael's talking show many years ago. One of the female guests did the very same thing I have mentioned.  Turns out not only was she cheating, I became a total hypocrite because of this.  All of this stuff about having OCD thoughts and such have been hard for me.  It is now a relief.  I finally found the answer!  It all makes sense to me now.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

My thoughts about having OCD and relationships

Having OCD can suck.  Sometimes I hate certain words because of the negative connotation of such words. Strangely enough, there are times when I wish I had OCD thoughts about something else like dolls or cars. I hate having these thoughts about infidelity and fictional thoughts about infidelity.  I tried to reason it out, but it only lasts for a few seconds.  I have made a conscious choice not to be anxious but that only lasts for a while.  I have to be honest.  I hate having these thoughts and wasting my time on these thoughts, but somehow I derive pleasure out of reading the infidelity stories.  That seems so deceptive and it is.  I had to realize that because of the fact that OCD is a disease that I have to live with for the rest of my days.  I hate to write that.  I hate the fact that OCD has allowed me to become consumed with thoughts and doing research on a subject that I have no idea how to relate to.  I have never cheated nor ever been cheated on. Fictional movies scare me at times. That is why I need to either change the channel, distract myself, or turn the TV off.  I need to take a break.  I am not currently in a relationship.  I would like to go on the dating scene or even find a husband.  I wonder if it is that time yet.  I have no idea what really goes into a relationship so why the OCD thoughts?  Does it matter?  Even if it did, I only have theories.  I guess I will never know.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Prayer and reflections on the nature of having obsessive compulsive disorder

I need to pray more.  Prayer is deep, respectful communication with God.  We are to pray in Jesus' name and thank Him when we pray.  We are not to ask amiss or come to Him with a lack of faith.  Those are the things I have learned about prayer.  I have also learned to be specific.  He knows that I still have my cares that I need to turn over to Him.  For instance, I am afraid that thoughts of the past will return.  For example, I had thoughts about a crush that I had on a specific actor.  The actor is in this and my other blogs.  But I had to face my fears head on.  Also, I also had to face my fear and learn to cope with the fact that it is better to be honest and not to react or act fearful every time a thought arrives.

Sometimes I wish the thoughts were more gradual but that is not the nature of the OCD.  The sudden aspect and the uncertainty is what makes it so hard.  I have had anxious thoughts about a music video in which a woman gets caught in bed with another man.  To me, that is scary and I want nothing to do with the music video, but I am concerned that I will be tempted to watch and I would watch anyways.  I know what will happen next and I don't want that. It is only a song.  It is based on a story, fictional or not.  Fiction is what bothers me.  What I read online is what bothers me.  So much seem to bother me because of the nature of the situation.  I am not involved or anything like that.  No matter how much I have to confess or write, it is as if sometimes I am not in a winning situation.  I hate the anxiety and I hate the pleasure that I feel from finding the answers I so "seek".  What is wrong with me?  I just hate having OCD, period.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Having OCD from a spiritual perspective

I spent my time walking this morning and during my walk, I prayed and ask God about having OCD.  It isn't always easy having this disorder.  For years I have been spending my time being anxious and giving in to my anxiety.  I had to learn how to face it head on.  Battling this condition by reasoning it out or saying "it doesn't matter" has never been of help.  I finally realize that exposure to shows that bother me do not help me, but a talk to God does.  A good cry also helps.  I have had this issue most of my life and it seems that I have grown tired of it being manageable.  I asked before to be healed.  I still would like to be healed.  After all, Jesus healed a woman with an issue of blood.  She suffered many years with a condition doctors probably found a miracle to cure and expensive to treat.  I can only imagine the pain and exhaustion she went through. Her cure was simple.  She had faith.  I had doubts and they were holding me back.  It doesn't help that I have the "doubting disease".  However, I had to realize that God forgives sin, yet I know that OCD is not a sin.  I only wish it were, or else it would be as far as the east is to the west, so has Got forgiven me and the OCD will be more than manageable.  Sometimes I hope that the word manageable becomes a thing of the past.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Infidelity and mass media

Getting caught in bed with another man has got to be scary.  On the other hand, men should never sleep with another man's wife.  Women should also be more faithful.  I have had sexual thoughts and images that coincide with what I am writing today.  There are videos about this and I see it on tv shows and movies. Those images and thoughts are scary and they won't go away.  I was so anxious last night as I was posting music videos on one of my blogs.  I was tempted to watch another video but I was only tempted.  Should I as a Christian watch or be overly concerned about what I should see on television?  Should I stop watching television altogether?  That is quite hard and I wish I had a definite answer to this one.  Mass media is another OCD issue I have had for a number of years; I have been avoiding much of mass media for a while now because I am afraid that something will trigger another scary thought.  I am afraid that someone will commit infidelity or get caught committing infidelity.  Maybe as a Christian I shouldn't watch those scenes, but I am also confused.  It is as if I am allowing the OCD to dictate what I should watch or what I should listen to.  That also scares me.  I wish that I had a definite answer too.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Is it really that offensive?

Interesting sign.  That is all I have to say about it.

The truth is, there isn't much that I find so offensive.  Having said that, that doesn't mean that they are a glorification of what God has us to do.  However, I find myself to be hypocritical as I once was at one time.  Allow me to explain.

Am I jealous?  NO! 

Am I someone who believes that a woman's body is for her husband only ? YES!

Video vixens, Playboy Magazines, FHM, or anything that is sexual outside of anything deviant doesn't offend me.  Should a Christian or any woman of any belief choose to pose?  Anyone can choose to do anything, but it depends on why they do it and why they don't.  I don't know anyone who has posed for Playboy or FHM or have stripped, so who am I to judge?  I am not, but the Lord will judge.  

On the other hand, though a lot of people don't see the hypocrisy in judging people by gender I do. Why are so many people not pointing out the sinfulness of  one of the "Magic Mike" movies that they would if the main actors are female?  Why doesn't anyone ask about the messages that are being sent to young boys?  How come no one seems to ask if young men are being sexualized?  Strippers, male and female, will be judged. Anyone who allows themselves to be demeaned when it comes to how they behave on and off the job will be judged.  Does one have to pose nude to be demeaned?  Does one have to be nude in anything to be objectified?  While I believe morality isn't relative and there is no such thing as a moral shade of gray, every situation is not the same, yet will be judged by the same standards. 

I often have or had obsessive thoughts about this very issue.  Why?  I have had a hard time finding the right answers, which is common to OCD sufferers.  I often ask myself if I should be offended every time I see a scantily-clad woman in a music video?  How about if that girl was someone I know?  Would I care more?  Should I?  What if the guy who is now a preacher prostituted himself or posed nude?  What if he stripped?  Would it or should it make me think less of him?  How would I feel if I knew the person?  Those are questions that run through my mind.  What is annoying is that there is really no yes or no answer just like every OCD question?  Should I or shouldn't I?

Monday, July 6, 2015

How to deal with people that I have issues with

I just have issues with other people that I need to dealt with.  I just hope that it isn't wrong to actually like someone.  As a believer, I am supposed to pray for others.  This I will do exactly and to love them, even if I don't like what they do.  I have been having rough thoughts lately and I guess I will never know why I have those thoughts.  I have to either go with the flow or at least come to the realization that even though it does matter to me, it really doesn't matter.  It is apparent that this is more or less a continuation of yesterday's post.  I realize that despite the wrongs that have been done in the wrong committed by others, God doesn't hold it against the repentant.  He died on the cross so that even those who others even myself considered unlikable can be saved.  I am beginning to understand why Jesus says to love those who are our enemies.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Being honest about how I really feel

I have to be honest.  After all, aren't we all, especially Christians supposed to be honest?  I just hope that that honesty isn't meant to be rude or in fact, sinful.  The truth is, it is best to not bottle up my emotions and leave them there.  Bottles are meant to be open sometimes so that the contents can be released.  If not, then bottles can burst.  I feel so much better, at least better than I have in a while.  Why is that?  Confession is good for one's soul and my soul is no exception.  My confession is basically, I don't like some people.  I don't hate them, but all of my issues stem from fear and doubt and anxiety.  I couldn't take the feelings that I really have stay bottled up.  It was time that I said that.  Those bottled up feelings have made the OCD worse and me feeling much better.  I have finally confessed that I don't like this person for whatever reason I don't like him or her.  Ever since then, I have no longer been shy as to who I like and who I don't.  I don't mean to come across as a hypocrite, but I can only shudder to think what were to happen if I kept my feelings bottled up.  Now I can say for now, my mind is clear.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Lesson I have learned from today

Right now, I am watching "Rocky 5", which was a part of Spike TV's "Rocky" July 4th marathon.  Having wrote this, I am glad to have watched this.  To me the entire Rocky series is cleaner and more wholesome than some of the movies and tv shows I have been watching.  I have spent a long time exhibiting avoidance to the point where my world has gotten smaller.  I have come to realize that yes, some things do seem to matter to me.  On the other hand, those things seem to matter are minor compared to the big picture.  To me the big picture is what is the lesson learned spiritually and otherwise at the end of the day.  I have learned about fleeing immorality.  The Bible writes of this, but in a sexual content.  To me, sexual content is something that I must flee from.  Because I am a professed born-again Christian, I don't wish to just deal with sexual immorality and all forms of immorality, I must do what the Bible says about the wrongs of the world.  Without repentance, holy living, and God's guidance, none of us, including myself have a chance. I believe that God is watching every move we make, have made, or will make.  It has increased my faith greatly.  I tend to obsess about sexuality and religious obsessions and I have been so consumed by them that it is easy for me to forget that there is a whole big world out there.  The best way to defeat fear is to face it head on.  Fear can be conquered.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

My obsession and comparison

One way to fight my obsessive thoughts is to realize that deep down it does matter.  That is an irony, but in a way, it helps me to cope.  It is a way of being honest yet can be a deceptive way.  I can be truthful yet realize that it could be a cause for me to perform a compulsion or two.  For instance, I think it only matters whenever I see someone who has a body that I always wanted.  That is a way of thinking that there is deep down inside of me that it matters.  I needed to know why that matters.  I am not gay but I like to look at other women's backside.  The root cause of that is low self-esteem.  What I don't want is a flat behind. Mine is small but wide.  I would like for mine to be curvier and stick out a little more.  I am just not proud of my body.  I have a behind which includes a stomach that hangs down.  Whenever I sit down, my stomach is on my lap.  I feel so ashamed.  How could I allow this to happen?  Yes, I have an autoimmune condition, but I know that it will take a while to lose weight.  I want to have a flat stomach; my health and over well-being are very important to me.  Ever since I was a teenager I have always compared myself to other people.  I have finally learned not to do that and to see myself for who I am.