Thursday, March 19, 2015

Obsessive thoughts about race and racism 2

I have had these thoughts for years. For a while I had these thoughts that were exaggerated. I even wondered if a person I had a crush on (sadly someone who has died) was a racist, prejudiced, or bigoted. I often wrote posts on other forums about race and racism. It was getting annoying and I couldn't take it anymore. Yesterday I was nervous because of the racism thoughts and wanting to ask for reassurance.

I had thoughts about hating and not trusting other groups, specifically white people. I know that I had strong opinions on race and racism. I wondered why I have thoughts about race. I realize now that things will not change because of my thoughts and my compulsions. I even go online and ask about race, class, racism, etc in their country. Most of the time, the people responded without being rude. Brazil and much of Latin America was the area where I asked about the most. I even go on race based forums as I have asked about Latin America, specifically Peru, Brazil, and Mexico. Those countries have sizable majority or minority black populations.

I don't understand why I have these thoughts. I don't want to say it is because I am myself black. I feel so embarrassed about having these thoughts and compulsions about race. I wish that I never had them. I often write about the "touchy" subject on race because I think I was curious, but instead it could have been about my obsessions and compulsions. I think that I have largely overcome them.

At one time I had strong obsessive thoughts about race and racism. Now I don't as they were just annoying. I finally chose to embrace them. Now it seems that they are going away. I want to write about money, politics, art, crocheting, sports, pro wrestling, gardening, and maybe even cars and motorcycles, two things which I know almost nothing about. I want to learn things without having to worry about them. Please pray that I will keep my interest in other things and that I realize that I myself cannot solve the race issues in the world just by having these thoughts and compulsions. They are not as anxiety-ridden as they were yesterday.

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