Friday, March 20, 2015
Guilt about seeking for reassurance
I feel like such a phony. I was extremely into research and compulsions. I often seek reassurance by wondering if something happened or not. I also go on the internet to find the "answers" that I so seek. The problem is, I hate uncertainty. All of this stuff about embracing the obsessive thoughts and choosing not to be anxious and take action is harder than I thought. I felt guilty about doing all that seeking. I spent a lot of my waking moment doing research into what other people think about certain celebrities and information about the characters of a specific show or two. It was as if I was obsessed. I was. I was obsessed, but it felt like an addiction. My doing such research felt more like an addict getting a fix. But does it mean that those with obsessive thoughts engage in addictive behaviors? I know obsessions are not the same as obsessions are more mental than physical. I feel better but the reason I seem to have felt better was because I was more certain, but now I have come to realize that it is all a facade. I know the thoughts shall pass but they were a total waste of time. I wish I could reason things out, but it only makes things worse. I know the thoughts are without logic and really have nothing to do with me, but not even the truth helps. I have obsessive thoughts still about television and movies. I have also come to realize that I spent too much time on entertainment and not enough time on prayer and fasting and reading the word. It is like what I just did was a sin, but was it? I just feel so guilty about this. I tire of coping with this but right now that is just the way it is, yet the thoughts will pass on their own. I come to realize that this soon shall pass.