Friday, March 20, 2015

Guilt about seeking for reassurance

I feel like such a phony.  I was extremely into research and compulsions.  I often seek reassurance by wondering if something happened or not.  I also go on the internet to find the "answers" that I so seek.  The problem is, I hate uncertainty.  All of this stuff about embracing the obsessive thoughts and choosing not to be anxious and take action is harder than I thought.  I felt guilty about doing all that seeking.  I spent a lot of my waking moment doing research into what other people think about certain celebrities and information about the characters of a specific show or two.  It was as if I was obsessed.  I was.  I was obsessed, but it felt like an addiction.  My doing such research felt more like an addict getting a fix.  But does it mean that those with obsessive thoughts engage in addictive behaviors?  I know obsessions are not the same as obsessions are more mental than physical.  I feel better but the reason I seem to have felt better was because I was more certain, but now I have come to realize that it is all a facade.  I know the thoughts shall pass but they were a total waste of time.  I wish I could reason things out, but it only makes things worse.  I know the thoughts are without logic and really have nothing to do with me, but not even the truth helps.  I have obsessive thoughts still about television and movies.  I have also come to realize that I spent too much time on entertainment and not enough time on prayer and fasting and reading the word.  It is like what I just did was a sin, but was it?  I just feel so guilty about this.  I tire of coping with this but right now that is just the way it is, yet the thoughts will pass on their own.  I come to realize that this soon shall pass.

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