Friday, January 8, 2016

Crush turned into an obsession

I need to understand that I have questions and need understanding of what a spiritual reflection truly is.  I also need to understand that the image I love is no longer with us.  I confess that I thought I was in love with him.  I had feelings about this man that I realize are ungodly.  I felt sick about some of those thoughts.  Maybe I felt like I was going crazy.  I accept that I have this obsession.  While I do want this to end, I realize that this almost year long crush is just that, a crush.  It is weird to have one of those at my age.  However, I am not too old to have an obsession. I have become obsessed with him and the very image and thought about him.  In strange ways it has held me back from things that are more important.  I wonder if that was what God said about dying to self and taking up my cross daily.  I am supposed to renew my mind daily.  The truth is, that will be impossible, well almost. I have finally realized that it is possible.  I have had obsessive thoughts that have gone too far.  I even felt like I was losing it.  I accept that too.  Complaining about it and fussing over it does not help. I was even wondering where he is.  I wanted this man, or so I thought.  It has been hard to confess in the past, but not anymore.  I finally realize that I can take back some semblance of my life.  I can fall in love, get married, and have kids.  It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

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