Saturday, June 27, 2015

Discovering who I am and what I am not

It is mean for people to be small-minded and quite cruel.  There are times when I wish I were prettier or even smarter.  I am reminded often that I have the " book smarts, but not the common sense smarts".  In other words, I can understand Shakespeare, but not have an understanding as far as opening a door, talking on the phone, or even changing a light bulb.  It is I am more inept.  I have been led to believe that I have done a lot of things to prove people right.  In my life, it is as if I have done things or have made mistakes that have caused others to look down on me.  It may not be the case, but that is how I feel.  It is as if to the world, I am not smart enough, or pretty enough, or maybe even good enough.  I have a hard time with people telling me I am beautiful or pretty.  You see, I am overweight, short, and wear glasses.  I have often been rejected or called ugly.  People rarely say that I am a beautiful girl, and if they do, then I have a hard time believing them.  My self-esteem is rather low and I am often comparing my body to others.  There are body parts that I like, but there are others that I don't.  I wish there were people who could relate.  I do wonder if some of the so-called "beautiful" people have those issues that I have.  What is their story?  I try to see the beauty in everyone, but it is very hard to see it in myself.  I do get it.  I am the "before" picture in the weight loss ads and inspirational pics.  I hate the dreams that I have about my body.  In those dreams, I am a blob.  I have a rather "undesirable" shape.  I hate having to say that.  It is awful what I just wrote; I feel like a total hypocrite.  I just don't like myself.  I believe that for years that could be the reason why I have obsessive thoughts or rather obsessions about how I should look and I tend to get obsessed with certain body parts.  There is a certain size and shape that I deep down find more attractive than others and for that, I feel bad about that.  I need help.  I often wish I were that shape.  I hope that once I lose more weight, I can be happier with the way that I am.

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