Saturday, June 27, 2015
Discovering who I am and what I am not
It is mean for people to be small-minded and quite cruel. There are times when I wish I were prettier or even smarter. I am reminded often that I have the " book smarts, but not the common sense smarts". In other words, I can understand Shakespeare, but not have an understanding as far as opening a door, talking on the phone, or even changing a light bulb. It is I am more inept. I have been led to believe that I have done a lot of things to prove people right. In my life, it is as if I have done things or have made mistakes that have caused others to look down on me. It may not be the case, but that is how I feel. It is as if to the world, I am not smart enough, or pretty enough, or maybe even good enough. I have a hard time with people telling me I am beautiful or pretty. You see, I am overweight, short, and wear glasses. I have often been rejected or called ugly. People rarely say that I am a beautiful girl, and if they do, then I have a hard time believing them. My self-esteem is rather low and I am often comparing my body to others. There are body parts that I like, but there are others that I don't. I wish there were people who could relate. I do wonder if some of the so-called "beautiful" people have those issues that I have. What is their story? I try to see the beauty in everyone, but it is very hard to see it in myself. I do get it. I am the "before" picture in the weight loss ads and inspirational pics. I hate the dreams that I have about my body. In those dreams, I am a blob. I have a rather "undesirable" shape. I hate having to say that. It is awful what I just wrote; I feel like a total hypocrite. I just don't like myself. I believe that for years that could be the reason why I have obsessive thoughts or rather obsessions about how I should look and I tend to get obsessed with certain body parts. There is a certain size and shape that I deep down find more attractive than others and for that, I feel bad about that. I need help. I often wish I were that shape. I hope that once I lose more weight, I can be happier with the way that I am.