Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The "OCD Persona"

My life has been one big obsession after another after another after another.

The OCD is not just an annoying issue, but seemingly a part of me. I need to be careful because the "personage" of the OCD has been around for a long time. It has become a part of my identity and it scares me. I don't feel guilty about that, but I do feel as if it does control my life. It makes me wonder about my identity. I know it is not me as a whole person, but it is the OCD "persona".

I find myself caring about what the OCD "persona" thinks and it has influenced my beliefs. That is what concerns me. I wish I could get over it and move forward but I cannot, because it is just not that simple. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to not have an obsessive thought for just one day. It would be a great day of relief. However, if they were gone, now what?

I cannot imagine my life without this "persona" yet I wonder what kind of person I would be without it. I have had it for so long I cannot comprehend not the relief but just the freedom that it comes without the thoughts and the compulsions. I wish I didn't care about a book written, a celebrity divorce, or a celebrity crush or obsession. I wish that I didn't care about a woman who is cheating, a person, living or dead, or even a kidnapped baby. Those things I find upsetting and sometimes incredibly sad that people would do such horrible things. I guess those are the things that the "persona" wants me to think. But what do I want to think? What should I care about? I just hate having to live the alternatives to the "persona" because even then, do I feel like having been controlled by the "persona".

The "persona" has taken a life of its own for years and I felt like it is my fault for keeping it alive. I have had symptoms of both OCD and bipolar for many years; I wonder if I were to have known about things earlier how different would things have been. Sadly, I will never know.

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