Tuesday, February 17, 2015
I wonder what were to happen between couples. Some are nasty to one another and those are the ones I have obsessive thoughts about. What is so disturbing are the nasty, ugly, acrimonious splits, whether or not they have kids. It is a sad state of affairs and I hate it when people split up, even for the best of reasons. This is especially true when the woman is at fault. I realize now that the reason why I may have these thoughts is because I am not in a relationship. I realize that my thinking is based on stereotypes and flawed thinking. Women who cheat are contemptible but with cheating men, it is in their DNA. Boys will be boys. I am being honest here. I don't like for people to humiliate one another like sending nude photos or videos of their exes to a porn site or two. I find that pretty disgusting and petty. Even with all of that, I feel like maybe a relationship is in the cards, but not yet. Yes, my biological clock is ticking and yes, I have no real experience, but I find being single has its benefits. I do get that relationships are complicated and that things can get messy but I love reading and hearing about romance. Sometimes romance irks me because even the most wholesome romantic stories can trigger an obsessive thought. Those thoughts seem so real. In that tone, it can be hard to distinguish between reality and fictional life. I have relationship thoughts yet I am not in a relationship. I have never been humiliated. I have never done a man wrong. I have never been done wrong by a man. I will never truly know why I have relationship obsessive thoughts; I only have theories. I am a loner who has never been in a serious relationship. I am a sensitive shy person who is inquisitive and curious. I am a religious person who can be quite guilt ridden at times. I sometimes have questions about my identity as a person, including being a black person. My guess is that the OCD latches onto what I value and the thoughts end up having a life of their own. I am fixated with my health, politics, racism, classicism, relations between the sexes, and other issues related to those issues. I have had thoughts for most of my life and the only thing I know to do is to distract myself from these thoughts. Right now I still have the temptation to check and ask for reassurance, but I realize that giving in is not the answer. Chances are the thought will come back only for me to check again. I have grown tired of the cycling. I have struggled to end the cycle and I don't wish to struggle no more.