I have prayed for healing for the obsessive thoughts and mood swings that I deal with on a daily basis. While it is true that the OCD is not about who I am it is a part of my life and it does exist. I would like to imagine my life without OCD. Why can't I imagine men and women falling in love, getting hitched, having kids, and living happily ever after? They are the complete opposite of how things really are since many people divorce or breakup. My thoughts are about reality yet fantasy annoys me. I cannot watch a movie or tv show without having to wonder about the realities of a fictional character. I have become afraid of a spike. I guess it is is time I stop procrastinating. Maybe it is time for me to no longer be afraid of a spike, even if it is a show that I would't normally watch. Most tv shows don't interest me and neither do a lot of movies or books. I have gotten interested in more movies, books, and tv shows than ever yet I still find myself drawn to them. That is an issue: the OCD has become more of a guide than the Holy Spirit and my own self. I have lost interest in what I watch on tv and that is that. The thoughts have something to do with it but the shows of old have gotten more interesting over time. I have watched the "Walking Dead" and I do get to watch "Glee", but that is about it. "Blue Bloods" looks to be a good show as well, but I cannot get into it.
As a matter of fact, I find much of the television landscape boring. I do like to watch sports and pro wrestling every once in a while. But my tv viewing habits have changed. I have changed and I believe that I can change again. My mind is slowed down now which is good and I still do watch tv but even tv and the internet have become more or less areas of safety with which to guard again spikes. How do I deal with the spikes? How do I deal with avoidance? What is the difference between healthy avoidance and just plain avoidance because of a fear of spikes? I realize that I take too much stock into tv and movie watching, at least mentally. I place way too much importance into whether or not an episode of "Modern Family" has an adulterous character compared to what my glucose reading says this afternoon. I believe that my priorities have been out of whack for a while now. My health is far more important than what it on tv or in the movies. My entertainment choices will come and go but my health will remain and hopefully for the better. Now having said that I am glad to have written this down so at least now I can get my priorities straight.