Friday, June 16, 2017

My confession

I confess that I have bipolar disorder and OCD.  I guess sad at times, but isn't just being in the dumps.  It is a lot more serious. At one time I was suicidal.  That is what depression is like.  I felt like I was going crazy, my self-esteem was lowered, and it was much, much worse than being down in the dumps.  That is what depression is all about.  Thankfully, that is not the state that I am in. 

Then there are times when I get irritated and very manic.  I tend to do things very fast.  My self-esteem is high, and I have no care in the word.  In fact, it feels great during mania.  There is little sleep at night.  However, that could mean a change in the circadian rhythms which would determine a person's individual sleep cycle.  That is not a good thing, so it seems as if mania feels like both a blessing, but it ends up being a curse.

I realize that I have anxiety as well.  Having OCD is not a fun experience. In fact, it is a sad, troublesome, depressing disorder to have.  I have compulsions and obsessions.  I have to realize that while these thought cannot hurt me, my mind says something different at the moment.  Bipolar and anxiety link up.  I figure that is why I have both. disorders.  Well, there isn't much more I could write about what it is like to have these disorders.  Sometimes I feel lonely and other times I don't.  Sometimes I am irritated and other times I don't. It can feel like a dream due to mania, and other times, it can be nightmare due to thoughts that seem real and focus on the worst case scenario, which rarely happens in reality.  It can also be nightmarish performing compulsions while depressed as well.
All I want to do is eat and sleep and feel normal again.  That is what I would want more than anything.                                          

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