Friday, May 29, 2015

Change is hard for me...

Right now I wish I could have an obsessive thought about losing weight.  I weigh over 300 pounds and I am short.  Some say that it is unhealthy.  The truth is, they are right.  It hasn't registered that I need to lose weight yet but I want it to.  My heart is in it despite the fact that I seem to have no clue what it means to eat healthy. I have been sedentary and unhealthy for a long time.  Things have not improved for me.  I felt like giving up. I don't want to.  I don't want to have anymore obsessive thoughts period, but it is more freeing that obsessive thoughts about infidelity.  I was being naive when I said that and I know this.  I thought that it might be easier if I were to have obsessive thoughts about anything but adultery, being saved, and having to see sexual images of adultery and forced sex.  But I wonder if it is common for me to wish something like this.  I hate having obsessive compulsive disorder, but at least the thoughts are fading away even if there are things that trigger these thoughts.

That was my re-post from yesterday.  Things have not changed yet.  Change is hard for me and that is why it has been difficult to lose weight.  The problem is doing things are harder.  I know I have hormonal issues and now I realize that the key to balance out my hormones is what has been staring back at me for years now.  It might even help me with my anxiety issues.  It may make them more manageable.  Sometimes I don't like the word manageable.  That words means that there is a possibility that a new thought will "arrive" any second now.  It causes some fear that I have, of which weight my weight and my crushes and obsessions are among those things that worry me.  They are bothersome.  I wish that they are over.  Learning to accept them is one of the keys to "beating" this illness therefore focusing less on my anxiety.  That is what I believe that losing weight is about those things.  I wish I had not only learned that, but have connected the dots and at least tried to do more than just admit.  Like I have said, change is hard.

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