Learning to face things head on

I could have shared a piece of myself yesterday, but I have decided to skip it for a day.  How do I feel about this?  I realize that I should have, but sometimes, a change is quite good.  Right now, I am watching a movie that has a man whose wife has died.  Any sort of word like wife, wives, marriage, philandering, and murder bother me.  Those are words that bother me.  I realize that even on television most wives are faithful, but it is hard to get the ones who cheat out of my mind. Right now I am worried.  Maybe I should stop writing this because it is making me anxious.  Right now I am having this image of a woman being caught cheating my her husband and. I also get angry about this. Why don't I get angry when a married man does this?  Something is wrong with me.  I feel like a total hypocrite, but my thoughts need to be exposed.  I need to overcome this fully.  I want nothing more than to feel better.

Who am I really?

It is amazing and sad I blatantly or subtly engage in anything negative about me.  Do I feel good about myself?  Not really.  It is hard for me to see myself as pretty or attractive.  I am overweight and that is the reason why.  It is hard for me to believe that I can be positive about myself.  It doesn't help that I have valued what others think about me and my appearance, at least in a negative light.  I do have self esteem issues, but why do I continue to have this issue?  Wishing does not work.  Doing things however do work.  Taking action is important.  I need to believe that I am pretty, that I am smart with uses at least a modicum of common sense, or that I am attractive at least someone to the opposite sex.  The truth is, I just don't care that much for me.  I realize that it is because of the low self-esteem and all of the negative thoughts against me.  I even think that in my fantasy world that I am crazy or unlikable.  I guess it is a reflection of how I truly feel about myself.  I do in fact care so much about what others think.

Here are 5 negative thoughts that I have about myself:

1.  I am too fat and I will remain frustrated over my weight loss.

2.  I am not pretty.

3.  I fail to exhibit common sense at times.

4.  I don't like my body.

5.  I don't always think that I am a good or likable person.

Here are 5 positive thoughts about myself or thoughts that counter those above.

1.  I have pretty eyes.

2.  I have been told that I have pretty hair.

3.  I have great legs that I love to show off.

4. I really am smart and like to learn.

5. I really am a good cook.

Yay! I feel like such an overcomer...of course, there is "Breakdown", a song that I like.

I am confident and I do rock.  I am close to being free from the fear of having obsessive thoughts. It is about time.

I also listened to Mariah Carey's "Breakdown".  Cool song.

Over, over, don't break down yet, it's over

Over, over, don't break down yet, it's over

Over, over, steady breakin' me on down, ooh

Break, breakdown, steady breakin' me on down

Break, breakdown, steady breakin' me on down

You call yesterday to basically say that you care for me

But that you're just not in love immediately, I pretended

To feel similarly and led you to believe I was okay

To just walk away from the thing that's unyielding and sacred to me

Well, I guess, I'm trying to be nonchalant about it

And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you

But in reality, I'm slowly losing my my mind

Underneath the guise of a smile gradually, I'm dying inside

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly

'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering

So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night

And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

So what do you do when somebody you're devoted to

Suddenly just stops loving you

And it seems they haven't got a clue

Of the pain that rejection is putting you through

Do you cling to your pride and sing, "I will survive"?

(Gotta get control and roll, roll, roll on)

Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave leave this way"?

Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away?

Well, I guess, I'm trying to be nonchalant about it

(Break, breakdown, steady breakin' me on down)

And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you

But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind

Underneath the guise of a smile, gradually I'm dying inside

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly

'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering

So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night

And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

Gonna break ya down, down, down, only if ya let it everyday

(Don't let it)

Crazy situations rockin' my mind, tryin' to break me down

But I won't let it, forget it

If ya feel the same way that I do, then let me help y'all

All singin' tunes, sayin', "It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, yeah"

Hopin' for the sun but it looks like rain, P.O.D'ed but it's still the same

Came far but it's been a long road

Trouble's gonna come but we gotta stay strong, hold on

Aw, yeah, I often feel the pressures, y'all

But nevertheless Krayzie won't fall, it's over

It's endin' here, I said it's over, it's endin' here

(Here, here)

So I'll be on my way and maybe we can meet up in the future one day

But for now I'm bailin', bailin', bailin', baby, gotta get up

Can't take no more, I'm headed for the door

Come and take a look into a thug humble eye

Tell me, if we lived a lie, would our souls unite?

Every new day is a test for me

So I just pray the Lord for Him to bless me, please

There's struggles I'm goin' through lately

Breaks me down, set me free, let me be, let me be

Who else do I have to rely on? Whose shoulder can a thug go cry on?

Can I get my vibe on? While you look into my eyes

You won't underestimate and this soldier story

I'm'a tell you right now I'm fed up

Wrong if I let my lead bust? Pac said keep your head up

Don't let this world get the best of you

I'm a stress you through it, if it's over, over, over

Don't breakdown yet, it's over

Well, I guess, I'm trying to be nonchalant about it

And I'm going the extremes to prove I'm fine without you

But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind

Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly

'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering

So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night

And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

I am beginning to feel so much better!

On the road...

Well, here I come.  Each day I am beginning to turn around.  I am becoming more successful in beating this disorder.  Keeping busy and reading has been of great help to me.  I have been reading up books about things that really matter to me.  There are things that do scare me but I think that finally I can deal with it.  No matter what the subject matter is, I can finally ignore those thoughts.  I can deal with it.  I know that my wish of at least a day without those thoughts coming will finally come true.

Honesty is the best policy.

I finally learned this when I told a trusted family member about what has happened to me.  With all of the crushes, obsessions, and such, there is nothing in the world like honesty.  Honesty is truly the best policy.  I don't know who first came up with quote, but it is a great one.  Honesty is good for the soul.  That is why confession equals honesty.

Getting a makeup makeover

Today I must say that I felt too confident.  I have gotten out of my comfort zone and dolled myself up.  I often take little or no time to doll myself up.  I wish I had done this before.  I cannot believe that putting on makeup can do that to a person.  I guess that is what it is like to get a makeover.  That is how I feel.  I used to watch those makeover shows and it is amazing how one looks after a change, but how one's attitude changes after a makeover.  That is somewhat how I feel.  It feels great!  Like I said, I wish I had done this before.