Monday, May 12, 2014

Obsessions, compulsions, and what I fear most

I do have obsessive thoughts about a lot of things, namely religion, race and racism, infidelity, my weight, budgeting, and other people, namely celebrities.  It is a lot to handle but by the grace of God, I can handle it. Having OCD can be stressful with all of the worrisome thoughts, compulsions, and sometimes physical, mental, and emotional changes.  I have had this condition most of my life and I sometimes wonder how things would have turned out in the present had I known that I had this condition.

It has made me question so much in my life.  Am I brave or strong?  Why?  How many?  What if?   However, maybe the most important question I can think of is what am I fear the most with these thoughts.  I will write down over the years what I have obsessions about and what I truly fear the most.

1. Being a believer in Christ
    As a result of my obsessive thoughts, I have prayed to receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior many times. Despite all of that, I still have doubts about being saved.  My biggest fear is that because of my doubts and my thoughts about being saved or rather, lost, I will spend an eternity in Hell and have my part in the Lake of Fire.  I am concerned that I will be left behind never for Jesus Christ to return.  I will live in regret because I have failed to be ready because I didn't always live for and serve the Lord.

2. Race and racism
    I have obsessive thoughts about race and racism.  My biggest fear is that there is a lot of racism in that country, that people are racists against especially black people, and that it is hard for a black person to live in that country.  I ask others who live in that country those questions and any answers that match up to what I fear is bothersome to me and it makes me angry that some groups have it harder than others.  I wondered about that I too may have a racial bias and that I deep down have a racial fear or bias towards others.

3. Budgeting
    I tend to budget and over budget.  My goal is to save money but the problem is it never comes to fruition. I spend a lot of money on other things and I just have a hard time saving money, no matter how hard I try.  I obsessively create budgets that I never end up following.    My biggest fear is that I will never have enough because other more important needs will never be met because my balance will be negative.  I feel like I wonder if I could even buy important things on a budget and I go to websites to help me budget no matter how hard I try.

4. Being overweight.
    This is different from the rest.  I am overweight and I am a diabetic so I am not sure if there is something obsessive or compulsion about my weight issues.  On the other hand, some of my habits do follow an obsessive pattern and I do have a major fear or two.  I fear eating too much and actually gaining so much weight my health problems will worsen.  It doesn't seem to be a big fear but I have been heavy most of my life and now I am even heavier.  I am stressed out because even though I have lost weight, I gained nearly all of it back and now I am starting all over again.  I don't wish to weigh anymore than I have now and I feel like giving up even when I was in a weight loss plateau.  I failed to realize that a plateau is an indication that I am doing something right and that I need to change my routine a bit.  I also fear continuing to binge on food and drink.  In other words, I sometimes eat mindlessly and my eating is out of control.

5. How to deal with other people.
    Let's face it.  I don't how to deal with other people.  It is to the point where I am afraid of others and what they would or could do to me.  I even feel that way with those who are related to me even though nothing has happened.  I tend to walk on eggshells with most people, so I am not comfortable with being around most people.  It ties in with the thoughts about race and racism as I would like for racism to end and for others to like me and my race.  I fear that I will never be a strong person, that I am actually weak, stupid, and ineffectual.  My biggest fear is that will be hard to change or rather, never really change and that I will never overcome this issue because I am so weak and lack an identity of my own.

6. Infidelity.
    That is my biggest one.  I have strong opinions about infidelity and I am not so sure what it is that I am afraid of outside of the triggers that I have.  Anything can be a trigger such as a tv show, a movie, or a book. Even certain words, phrases, and pictures come to mind.  My thoughts involve women, namely wives having numerous affairs with numerous men because they care nothing about good husbands who love them because they have no respect for them.  The compulsion is for these wives to suffer and suffer greatly and that would give me relief.  I often have dreams about what ails me mentally.  It causes me distress especially if I am trying to sleep.  I believe that my greatest fears are divorce, hatred, murder, paternity issues, and hearing words or phrases, or seeing things that could trigger new thoughts.  I have often wondered in the past why I have these thoughts.  However, I have come to realize that it no longer matters.  I will never know which makes me uncertain which in turn makes me still wonder about things.  I don't like uncertainty.

7. Celebrity worship.
    I have crushes on celebrities.  I am ashamed of them and don't embrace them.  Deep down, I am sheltered and I wonder if that is why I have crushes on them, whether or not they are dead or alive.  There is an advantage to having a crush and that is it takes away from the unhappiness of having OCD and living in a a fantasy world.  Right now, I am crushing on a guy and I no longer hate the word crush.  Deep down in the recesses of my mind, the issue is that it was triggered because I was not accepted and ridiculed by others.  I wasn't the popular girl in school and guys never asked me out.  Having a celebrity crush probably replaced that, but I don't know.  My fantasy world probably shields me from reality though reality would not hold me back yet the fantasy world makes me feel better and more creative.  I obsess about other people and it started from when I was a child.  My biggest fears are that I will get over these crushes for I have yet to embrace them.

8. People feuding.
    I guess this is self-explanatory and ties in to others.  I hate feuding.  I want for everyone to get along.  My biggest fear is that something even worse could happen between two feuding who hate each other.  They will move on in some cases, but they will never truly make peace.  I am also afraid that nothing will be sacred anymore.

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