Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I have other thoughts...

I have other thoughts that I did not write down yesterday.  This morning I was to give a rating on which ones are most important.  In other words, the ones with the greatest importance are my belief in Jesus Christ, my weight, and how to deal with others.  I also have to write down three things I need to do to address the specific thoughts about those three areas in which the priority is highest.

1.  Celebrities
    I have crushes, yes, but I also have times when I tend to link up the celebrity to another person who is either a friend or relative.  I am afraid of the very fact that I tend to be obsessed with those who are a link to a celebrity, like CO.  I have had a crush on MR, who is CO's ex-husband.  Her book was published in 2011 yet I have no interest in reading it.  The only reason that I read up on it is because of the obsession that I had with MR.  I have learned to embrace it and overcame my issues with crushes and obsessions.  I fear that other people's views about CO or anyone will personally affect me to the point where I hate and despise that very celebrity.  The truth is, I may not agree or like what a celebrity does, but it is my life.  How do I keep it from bothering me?

2.  Sexual obsessions and compulsions
     I obsess about sex acts and even performing them.  These thoughts like the celebrity worship provide temporary relief from the usual boring day.  However, I have my own opinions of sex and sexuality.  I am sheltered so my views about sex are either strange, taboo, or even conservative.  I believe in a conservative view that sexual desire should be between a man and woman who are married to one another.  I am bothered by any sexual deviation yet I find myself drawn to it.  I watch sexually explicit material and read stories about them.  I realize that I need help.  I am not so sure what I am afraid of, but I believe that I am afraid of never being able to repent of my sexual issues.

3. What is sexy vs what is degrading
     What is going on in the world?  What is going on with me?  I find that much of what I see in the media disturbing not because of my gender, but because of my faith.  I also find the double standard just as wrong.  I am afraid that the opinions of others will influence how I am feeling.  I am afraid that I will never have a mind of my own and that I have a persona that matches those of the OCD.

4.  Male vs the Female Dynamic
     I am afraid that males and females would end up being in great enmity.  I fear that men and women hate one another not just because of the Bible and enmity, but because of other factors.  I have this fear that many women my age have irredeemable qualities.  I also fear that many men within my age group are the same.  I have little faith in humanity and I feel that some men are disrespectful towards women.  But some women are mean, manipulative, and not as smart as they claim.  I believe that revenge should not be served at all, whether online or what not.  It is so sad what is going on in the world.  I find it sick and it is sad that some people think hurting each other is okay.

5.  Identity
     I am afraid that I will never be my own person.  I have my likes and dislikes.  I do wonder if I am thinking the same way others think, feel, or do.

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