Thursday, March 16, 2017

My Confession that needed to be made a long time ago...and others

I wrote my struggles with binge eating.  I have a problem.  There should be no shame in eating. There should also be no guilt when it comes to the love of good food.  However, I felt shame and guilt.  I stopped caring at some times and I think I'm hungry at other times.  I have low self worth and I often feel guilty about my weight, or at least feel guilty about gaining weight.  I had thoughts about wondering what were to happen if I had stayed on that diet, how I would look.  I often wished that I had stuck to this diet.  I felt bad about my body and deep down, I have since I could remember.  I dieted and lost and gained weight since I was in fourth grade.  I often weighed more than the other kids and was made fun of because of it.  I had friends and a social life, but I lacked confidence when it came to dating.  I never felt I was attractive enough.  I even hated looking at some of my pictures. Other people had great looking school pictures but I never thought I photographed well, not even til this day.  I wanted to change things for years, but now is the time to take a stand.  I am finally being honest and I am finally getting help.  I wish this could be a regular entry, but following a plan has been hard and creating a journal has been even harder.  I  am feeling so much better about things and about myself because for the first time, I am finally being honest with myself.

Reflections about my own life and being my age
Hi.  I am at an age where some may consider me middle aged.  Maybe true.  I can go far back enough to recall not having so many followers but had just friends.  Friends, true friends, may be a rarity but at least they are one of a kind...or two.  I had to go back too and wonder now if there are things I wish I had the foresight to do then that I want to do now.  Maybe I am not so young, but I am not yet in the stage where I am no longer in my prime years.  I am no longer a teenager, but I didn't grow up listening to 70s music as a child.  I grew up on the 80s and 90s and even they seem like simpler times.  John Cena probably was in diapers when Ric Flair and Steamboat had their first match. Seeing a celebrity walk down a parade because he or she had the number one show on television. Some of my favorite gadgets had nothing to do with websites.  Thankfully, there were no such thing as revenge porn, or videos where people are getting beat up posted online daily.  Life was simpler to me at least.  Sadly, there have always been criminals, racism, poverty, and politicians being all talk, sure. However, I remember being bullied in school and getting beaten by my parents.  By the time I was a teenager, all was forgiven.  Anyways, I turned out okay.  Thankfully, my mother never had to see me being exposed by a "friend", an ex, or have her expose me as a "bad kid" for all of the world to see.  I got hurt on the playground, kids were active, and grown ups didn't seem so agitated and so "PC" all the time.  I guess because I'm not a mom, I wouldn't know about worrying so much about my kids' safety.  But I do remember as a kid, my mom and dad were there and they did worry, and they did watch out and they did discipline my brother and me.  But life in general seemed different like almost yesterday.  I am just a grown up who had probably thought that this reflection of my life is like many others, is telling the truth, good, bad, and ugly.  But I was hoping that things would never change, but as I get older life is seen differently, but truth and memories, will always stay the same.

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