Wondernment

I wonder if I will ever be free 100% of those thoughts.  I also wonder if I can have obsessive thoughts about a part of who I am.  I was thinking about this yesterday when referring to my weight.  I just have questions about this.  It isn't a sexual or moral issue.  Maybe it is.  But what do I know?  I am only and OCD sufferer. I have to realize that fiction is fiction and reality is reality.  I have learned to embrace things more and more.  I am of the school of letting things go.  I am also of the school of not allowing myself to be so concerned with the "little" things in life that I am now giving myself and my mind room to concentrate on the "larger" issues. That is what is more encouraging than anything.

Learning and Knowing

I realized that learning is something that has its ups and down.  It has been said that the more one learns the less they learn.  I can attest to that.  I had so much information at my disposal, yet it was as if I had so little time to gain wisdom and knowledge.  It was the same thing with the obsessive thoughts.  Sometimes it is like I was doing the same thing over and over again.  It has also been said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  It may not have been worded exactly that way but whatever is the case, having ocd is somewhat like that.  I am not insane but sometimes I feel that way. Having obsessive thoughts can question one's sanity.  I believe that that is why compulsions.  Compulsions are a temporary blessing, yet they are a curse.  Today is not the best day of musing but I believe that hope that I communicated the right message.

Getting my priorities straight

Right now, I am more encouraged.  Because of the obsessive thoughts, I realize that there are times when I make the least important things in my life of great importance.  There was a video that made me squeamish. I was afraid to watch it because I thought it would be exploitative and demeaning.  It was about a man slapping his girlfriend because she cheated on him.  That thought, that arrived suddenly, made me realize that I am not "free" of the OCD.  The obsessive thought is quite bothersome but realizing that because there is such thing as priorities, it doesn't bother me as less.  I think it is a shame that there are people who think it is okay to put up videos and photos to humiliate those they claim to love and respect.  I am here to write that it is despicable, male and female,  to humiliate others.  It shows a total lack of class and maturity on their parts. If a person does one wrong, be the bigger person and let them go.  That is what a real man and a real woman is supposed to do.  Shame.  By the way, a decision doesn't need to be made.  It is written in stone not to let the OCD screw with my priorities in life and no YouTube or World Star video should determine what is interesting or what I watch.  It is in reality pointless and a waste of time.

A bit of encouragement

Usually I don't write much about having OCD when things get better.  So far, things have gotten better.  I guess I have to take things one day at a time.  I often have "residues" of past thoughts.  That only means that there are thoughts that are no longer bothersome, yet they are still there.  They are thoughts that have faded or are fading away.  That is what I call residue. I hope that this would go away with the infidelity thoughts.  That is the state where I am in and it so far feels pretty good.  That is what make it all encouraging.

Dr. Phil episode

Dr. Phil has an episode tomorrow where a man has doubts about his daughters paternity.  They are really having a dispute about the property that was inherited.  It is so sad that families are so split this way.  I have issues with infidelity and they have come to the surface.  Will I ever get over them?  When will I stop using my Christianity when it comes to entertainment?  It is up to God how I should live my life, but it is up to me as to if I wish to follow Him and also realize that because of my beliefs and whether or not I am truly saved, I will be judged.  I have the same song playing in my head and while it is annoying it doesn't bother me.  It is all about how I react to it.  I try to ignore it but how can I ignore a thought that I would not really harm me?

A re-post about my infidelity thoughts

Today I realize that it is best to tackle fear head on. As someone who is a bipolar with anxiety issues, it is much harder to do than most. It is as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have allowed these thoughts and fears to take over and I mean take over. It doesn't help that I have quite a few struggles including how I feel about myself. Is there a link between anxiety and how one feels about themselves? I do and now I wonder if I had dealt with the anxiety then I would like myself more. Maybe there is no link at all. I don't know.

That is how I feel meanwhile about why I have obsessive thoughts about infidelity at all. The truth is, I will never know. The best thing to deal with these thoughts is to accept the fact that I have them. I have my own thoughts about infidelity and I do come across as a hypocrite since according to the thoughts, a promiscuous wife is no wife at all. She is selfish and contemptible. I don't think of the cheating man in the same way as it is in his DNA. Men usually cheat more than women.

However, reality says different. Men and women cheat. While most women and men are faithful, I focus on those who have committed infidelity. I have to fight these thoughts daily. I am afraid of the triggers. The anxiety and the fear has had a control over my life for many years. It all started out within the past decade. Things have changed. My health has gotten worse, and my self-esteem lowered and I became more self-conscious. On the other hand, I became older, wiser, and more spiritual. If I could embrace aging then I could embrace anything. How hard can it be?

It has been hard to say the least. How can reconcile reality and how I feel about infidelity to what my mind says to me? It has been hard for me to reconcile fact from fiction. For example a fictional wife is caught in bed with another man, therefore I hate her and the person who plays her. The stories of actual cheating wives don't bother me anymore. OCD makes no sense and it probably never has. Trying to apply logic to OCD is impossible. The best thing I can do is not only to face the fear head on but to not rationalize or fight but to embrace it as a thought that goes against all that I have and all who I am. I have to just see it as a thought, nothing less, nothing more.

I know that infidelity is wrong and it is a selfish, sinful act in which there is no justification. I realize that one doesn't have to be pure evil or immoral to do wrong. On the other hand, it doesn't make one a good person either. I am not saying that adulterers are all evil, but if that were the case, so are the rest of us. I too am an adulterer. I am unfaithful, selfish, and have done some evil, cowardly things in my life. For example, a man who has said that his dead wife slept with everyone. I can dismiss it as a thought and that she did not literally sleep with everyone, but she should not have cheated with so many people. If the person was a man, then I would say the same thing. Having said all of that, maybe I should take the time to write out those thoughts and then replace them with what is real and what is mundane and what is true. What is true is that like Gomer and the adulteress in John 8, the two guilty women were redeemed and that unrepentant sinners like adulterers do not spend eternity with God. What is also true is that like the adulterer we all are against the Lord. I could just replace these thoughts with true thoughts that express what I feel about the situation and how I truly feel about said adulterer. I thought about it this morning and I realize some strategy has be be used to view the thoughts as illogical and something to embrace. It is hard to explain but the strategy is to not to let the fear and anxiety take over. I hope this "strategy" works.
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I have noticed that all of my obsessions are connected..

Over the years, I have been having light bulb moments. The light bulb moment is about the fact that I have had numerous obsessive thoughts over the years. I have been having thoughts about television and watching television. It all started with the thoughts about infidelity. I am scared and have been afraid that a television show, book, or movie will produce a trigger about infidelity. A word can trigger another thought or two. I now realize that every obsession I have is connected to one another. I realize that and have been realizing that for a while.

However, it took this morning to find out that the obsession to infidelity is connected to weight fixation to being bullied to sexual obsessions to even racism. It all makes sense now. Racism and bullying are connected to my weight because I have low self esteem issues. What do I do? I don't know why I have the exact thoughts that I do, but I realize that it no longer matters. The ways that I cope make things worse. I am taking a big risk by writing it out. However, I am taking a risk. However, writing has been great medicine for me, so this is a way to think things through as well as to learn how to take action. Confession is good for the soul but action I realize has to be taken afterwards.

So it all starts somewhere, so the solution is that I have to take some kind of action and realize that the nature of these thoughts are not logical and do not require actions. Having these obsessive thoughts have caused me years of anxiety and heartache and guilt. I feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I also felt guilty for having obsessions and compulsions. The truth is, I have never had an affair but it is also true that I have never divorced, had a paternity issue with a man because I don't have kids by a man. I don't have a man so I cannot say that I have a reason to worry about cheating. For that reason, I have often wondered why I have had these thoughts despite all of this. I have never cheated nor have I ever been cheated on. Why do I have these thoughts? Having said all of that, I realize that applying logic to an obsessive thought is wise. It will never work and hasn't been this way, so why try? Why fight these thoughts? I have identified illogical exaggerated thoughts that really make no sense. Now how do I reconcile this with illogical sites? I guess letting the thoughts pass by remembering what I wrote about infidelity and what I have written just now.

I realize that there have been times when there are thoughts that are exaggerated, if not all thoughts are exaggerations of real life stories. Everything in those thoughts are exaggerations to the point where even fictional characters become real. All things become real. They are not. What are the thoughts about? The key is to no longer fight them. I have to learn to see these thoughts for what they really and let them pass. That key alone is so difficult to apply.