Thursday, March 31, 2016

Dealing with having OCD

I have difficulty following simple instructions.  I have even been told that I have a short attention span.  Having bipolar disorder and OCD have been lonely at times.  It can be more lonely once I realize that I have it.  I believe that I had OCD most of my life. Prayer and distraction are the only things that have been helpful.  It has been hard to not ask questions and try to find the answers that I so seek.  In other words, asking for reassurance has been a waste of time.  I would spend many minutes on trying to find the answers.  The truth is, I hate uncertainty. I have wanted to know why I have this problem.  The truth is, I will never know.  I only have theories.  Maybe I should learn how to be uncertain and deal with it.  I also have to learn that none of us are perfect and that while curious, we may never find the right answers no matter how hard we try.  I wish I could just get over it, but that is highly unrealistic.

I wish I could just stop seeking assurance and asking questions about my thoughts that seem pertinent.  I would like to get off of these websites that feed my obsessions. Maybe wishing is not good enough. It is a fight that I have gone through for years, but it hasn't been on the level that this one has been.  It is as if I have obsessive thoughts about everything, from my weight to what I watch on television.  I have hoped not to watch certain movies because of the content.  I have to fight this everyday and it, OCD, is not a joke.  It is tough and it is mentally exhausting.  I also have to deal with the thought that I tell me that I have to deal with things one way or another so that I will not fail only to fail and procrastinate.  I have to take things slow in some areas and keep on fighting in other areas. What are some things that I obsess about?  I know about the obsessions about infidelity and weight loss, but I feel like I have so many that I don't realize about it.  Having said that, where do I begin?

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