Thursday, December 26, 2013

What am I so afraid of?

What is it that I am afraid of?  I want to do well for myself by moving forward.  I am afraid of looking at shows, movies, or listen to music where infidelity is a theme.  I am afraid of cheating characters or hearing about them.  I am afraid of triggers.  I don't know how to deal with those triggers as they scare me.  I will watch a movie that sounds good.  It is crazy and I will never understand why the OCD latched unto my strong opinions on infidelity.  I wrote stories about infidelity and I try to avoid it whenever possible.  I obsess about how many affairs the woman in all of my cases have and why she cheats.  In the grand scheme of things it is all vanity but how do I deal with avoidance?

I am afraid of Mickey Rourke, Carre Otis and their namesakes and their friends.  I am afraid that I will not like Carre Otis because she wrote a book that I will never read because I have no interest in reading her book.  I don't even know Mickey Rourke or Carre Otis.  They could both be bad people.  I will never meet them so why does this matter?  I don't know.  It doesn't matter now.  I just have a hard time dealing with it.  It is weakening and it is time to take control as these thoughts have had control over my life.  I only watch movies with Mickey Rourke in it not because of how good the movie is, but because he was in it.  I have to remind myself that it is okay to be a fan, but I am not sure if I can be a fan.  I have been too caught up in Mickey Rourke to even be a fan.

I am just bored with Mickey Rourke, Carre Otis, and Facebook.  My obsessions bore me.  Once they end, it is as if I have to ask myself, what is next?  Why can't I just give myself room to breathe.  I cannot even watch a movie or a simple video without being triggered.  I cannot even read a book without being afraid of a trigger.  My world has gotten smaller, much smaller.  I want to learn and grow and expand my world.  It is not happening as I write this.  Where do I begin?  Why am I so afraid?  How do I overcome my fear?  It is all fiction.  It is all vanity.  I have to constantly remind myself of that I guess.

I am a person who doesn't offend that easily though there are things that are offensive.  It depends on context and on how I would react to something.  How do I overcome the fear that I have?  How does perfect love cast out fear?  What are things that I like to do?  What shows do I like to watch?  What are books do I like to read?  How can I know what movie to watch without being afraid that something like a thought would be triggered by a word or two.  That is scary to me.  A thought would be triggered by a movie review, or anything.  I could use some prayer and I could use some help.  I just hope things will turn out alright.

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