What is it that I am afraid of? I want to do well for myself by moving forward. I am afraid of looking at shows, movies, or listen to music where infidelity is a theme. I am afraid of cheating characters or hearing about them. I am afraid of triggers. I don't know how to deal with those triggers as they scare me. I will watch a movie that sounds good. It is crazy and I will never understand why the OCD latched unto my strong opinions on infidelity. I wrote stories about infidelity and I try to avoid it whenever possible. I obsess about how many affairs the woman in all of my cases have and why she cheats. In the grand scheme of things it is all vanity but how do I deal with avoidance?
I am afraid of Mickey Rourke, Carre Otis and their namesakes and their friends. I am afraid that I will not like Carre Otis because she wrote a book that I will never read because I have no interest in reading her book. I don't even know Mickey Rourke or Carre Otis. They could both be bad people. I will never meet them so why does this matter? I don't know. It doesn't matter now. I just have a hard time dealing with it. It is weakening and it is time to take control as these thoughts have had control over my life. I only watch movies with Mickey Rourke in it not because of how good the movie is, but because he was in it. I have to remind myself that it is okay to be a fan, but I am not sure if I can be a fan. I have been too caught up in Mickey Rourke to even be a fan.
I am just bored with Mickey Rourke, Carre Otis, and Facebook. My obsessions bore me. Once they end, it is as if I have to ask myself, what is next? Why can't I just give myself room to breathe. I cannot even watch a movie or a simple video without being triggered. I cannot even read a book without being afraid of a trigger. My world has gotten smaller, much smaller. I want to learn and grow and expand my world. It is not happening as I write this. Where do I begin? Why am I so afraid? How do I overcome my fear? It is all fiction. It is all vanity. I have to constantly remind myself of that I guess.
I am a person who doesn't offend that easily though there are things that are offensive. It depends on context and on how I would react to something. How do I overcome the fear that I have? How does perfect love cast out fear? What are things that I like to do? What shows do I like to watch? What are books do I like to read? How can I know what movie to watch without being afraid that something like a thought would be triggered by a word or two. That is scary to me. A thought would be triggered by a movie review, or anything. I could use some prayer and I could use some help. I just hope things will turn out alright.