I need to pray more. Prayer is deep, respectful communication with God. We are to pray in Jesus' name and thank Him when we pray. We are not to ask amiss or come to Him with a lack of faith. Those are the things I have learned about prayer. I have also learned to be specific. He knows that I still have my cares that I need to turn over to Him. For instance, I am afraid that thoughts of the past will return. For example, I had thoughts about a crush that I had on a specific actor. The actor is in this and my other blogs. But I had to face my fears head on. Also, I also had to face my fear and learn to cope with the fact that it is better to be honest and not to react or act fearful every time a thought arrives.
Sometimes I wish the thoughts were more gradual but that is not the nature of the OCD. The sudden aspect and the uncertainty is what makes it so hard. I have had anxious thoughts about a music video in which a woman gets caught in bed with another man. To me, that is scary and I want nothing to do with the music video, but I am concerned that I will be tempted to watch and I would watch anyways. I know what will happen next and I don't want that. It is only a song. It is based on a story, fictional or not. Fiction is what bothers me. What I read online is what bothers me. So much seem to bother me because of the nature of the situation. I am not involved or anything like that. No matter how much I have to confess or write, it is as if sometimes I am not in a winning situation. I hate the anxiety and I hate the pleasure that I feel from finding the answers I so "seek". What is wrong with me? I just hate having OCD, period.
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