"Harlem," by Langston Hughes (RIP)

What happens to a dream deferred?

      Does it dry up
      like a raisin in the sun?
      Or fester like a sore—
      And then run?
      Does it stink like rotten meat?
      Or crust and sugar over— s
      like a syrupy sweet?

      Maybe it just sags
      like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

I wonder what that means.  I know that there was a play called "A Raisin in the Sun" written by the late Lorraine Hansberry.  It was about a black family who was struggling during the racial climate of the 1960s. It was however debuted in 1959, so my timing is off.  I only watched the film and another modern adaptation.  The family ends up moving, but they have their concerns of course, for they were uncertain.  I believe that it was about being black in America at the time Langston Hughes wrote his poem.  He, James Baldwin, and Richard Wright are excellent writers who I highly recommend.  I realize that what is going on nowadays is an example of things staying the same as always.  The dreams of many of us as black people are still deferred.  There is a lot of tension right now, and I pray for a solution or solutions to all of this anger and tension.  I like the last part about the explosion..that is what today's articles in mass media are all about.

"Rolling in the Deep" by Adele

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
[Clean version:] Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare
[Explicit version:] Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do
There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it, to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one on you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Make a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
The scars of your love remind me of us
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it, to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it, with a beating
Throw your soul through every open door (woah)
Count your blessings to find what you look for (woah)
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold (woah)
You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow (woah)
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.

"The Redemption" excerpt

A year later, Joy and Richard give birth to a boy named Manuel who looks like Richard.
Three years go by. Richard is always working and Joy grows increasingly unhappy. She
feels alone and taken for granted. She meets another man and they become friends.
Overtime, they grow closer and the affair begins. Joy begins to feel guilty about the
affair and Joy discovers that she is pregnant Richard does not know of this affair since
Joy covered her tracks. They give birth to a daughter, Lauren, but the child turns out not
to be his, but the other man's. Richard does not notice right away, but Joy notices.

She notices that Lauren doesn't have any of the same features as any member of Richard's
family, but the other man. Over time, Richard begins to suspect that the baby is not his
and they argue about Joy's possible infidelity. Despite Joy's denial, he does not believe
her, saying that Lauren looks exactly like her and that she is hurt that Richard does not
believe her. She wonders if anyone, such as his mother have anything to do with it,
which angers Richard. His mother has told him that she was the wrong woman for him.
She has given Joy the benefit of the doubt, but she never cared for her. Despite her
feelings, Richard tells his mother to stay out of it.

Over time, the couple grows apart. Joy meets another man and has affair. She feels
overwhelmed, but is hurt that Richard would not believe her lies. (Who can blame him?).
They grow closer and closer to the point where Joy believes that she is having a
relationship with this second man. They even sleep together at her house while he is
away. This time, she is caught in bed with this other man. Richard pulls out a gun and
the housekeeper calls the police, who arrests him. Joy files a report stating the fact that a
gun is pulled out on her and that he is crazy. The cops blocks him from hitting his wife
and he is taken off to jail to cool off. Once out of jail, Richard puts Joy out of the house.

"The Obsession"...excerpt

Jennifer is adventurous, fun loving, studious, spirited, charming, and engaging,
but not always in a good way. She can strike up a conversation with anyone.
But that can often get her into trouble in her family life as she has had numerous
affairs with some of the men in her troubled love life. She looks for the perfect
even though it seems she has the perfect life. She always marries the good guy,
but looks for the fantasy. She is addicted to love. She is addicted to fantasy.
She is addicted to perfection.

Her first marriage was at only 18 years old to a man named Ricky Garcia. The
marriage lasted only four years. They had three children: a daughter named
Daisy and twin girls Lea and Ruthie. The marriage was not a happy one. Both
had affairs and Ricky often drank to excess with his pals. Because of this and
the fact that they married young, there was friction between the couple and they
eventually divorce. Jennifer was not really in love with Ricky; he was just a guy
who she had a crush on and was obsessed with. Sadly, Jennifer is clueless as
to what true love means. She is addicted to love. She has tasted of love, but
never digested it. She falls and falls for men, but is seems the love is often
unrequited. Jennifer took the divorce hard and struggled to make ends meet to
take care of her three girls. But despite her obsessions, she somehow managed
to be a good mother or at least raise the girls to the best of her ability.

She worked many jobs including cashier, librarian, and waiting tables.
Sometimes, she worked more than one job at a time, but writing was her
passion. At work she would fantasize about the bad boy riding on his
motorcycle, the muscular hunk with the tossled blonde hair, and the handsome
athlete with the million dollar smile. Jennifer wanted to write about these people
and make a good living, to have a better life for herself and her daughters, not
wait tables, or punch cash registers forever. She wanted to have her books
published and one day she wanted to make something out of herself. She
wanted to be somebody. Jennifer Delgado was a dreamer most of all.

She met a handsome ITT student named Antonio Sullivan, or Tony for short. In
hindsight, which was 50/50, there have been red flags about THAT union from
the start as Jennifer Delgado, ever the dreamer, never stopped dreaming about
that perfect union. Fast forward a couple of years and Tony became a Software
Technician who owned his own firm and Jennifer Delgado-Sullivan finally made
her dreams come true. At first the marriage was part of the dream life Jennifer
always wanted. Her life was the enviable life she always wanted. Life could not
be any better. Over time, Jennifer began to grow bored with her husband and
carried on affairs with other men, hoping to find that proverbial soul mate. She
wanted to find that one true love only to be disappointed.

She "met" a man named Paolo Serreti, an Italian actor with striking good looks,a
lean, muscular body and thick, wavy flaxen hair. He was certainly a gorgeous
man and could melt any woman's heart, but Jennifer, it seemed, was the object
of his affections.
"We had a whirlwind romance. We wined and dined until the wee hours of the
morning..."
It was all in Jennifer's mind. It was just a thought, and a rather silly one at that.
She and her husband had not wined and dined like that in a while. Reality kicked
in, and needless to say, Jennifer doesn't deal with reality well. Jennifer over time
was beginning to neglect her marriage and began to neglect her daughters.
Ironically, her work did not suffer as the books she published were about
fantasies that she wish were a part of her life. Her fantasies over times further
began to rule over her until there was no point of return for her marriage.

Jesus WILL return

I realize that I take too much time worrying about what to watch in terms of secular entertainment. I read back and reflected on some of my thoughts.  I realize that it is annoying that I have thoughts of the same thing over and over.  I feel like I have often been led by something that is not godly.  That was a sign of what I need and don't need to do.  I spent so much time being led by something else that I didn't realize what was really happening.  It was leading me to compulsions and thus contribute to avoidance.  I realize that life is not a fairytale, though at times I wish it were.  But reality in this world will not in my belief, last much longer.  If only I knew.  No movie or tv show will allow me to not think about the realities of this time and in the near future.  That is a real life film that I would like to star in.

"Brand New Me" by Alicia Keys

It's been a while

I'm not who I was before

You look surprised

Your words don't burn me anymore

Been meanin' to tell ya

But I guess it's clear to see

Don't be mad

It's just a brand new kinda me

Can't be bad

I found a brand new kinda free

Careful with your ego

He's the one that we should blame

Had to grab my heart back

God knows something had to change

I thought that you'd be happy

I found the one thing I need

Why you mad?

It's just a brand new kinda me

[another version has some additinal lines:

"Never bad

I found a brand new kinda free.

Ooh..."]

[one version:] It took a long, long time to get here

[another version:] It took a long, long road to get here

It took a brave, brave girl to try

It took one too many excuses, one too many lies

Don't be surprised, don't be surprised

[one version:] If I talk a little louder

[another version:] If I walk a little taller

If I speak up when you're wrong

If I walk a little taller

I've been under you too long

If you notice that I'm different

Don't take it personally

Don't be mad

It's just a brand new kinda me

[another version doesn't have these additinal lines:

"That ain't bad

I found a brand new kinda free."]

Ooh, it took a long, long road to get here

It took a brave, brave girl to try

I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies

Don't be surprised, oh, said, you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend

You'd wanna get to know me again

If you were worth the while

You'd be happy to see me smile

I'm not expecting sorry

I'm too busy finding myself

I got this

I found me, I found me, yeah

I don't need your opinion

I'm not waiting for your "OK"

I'll never be perfect,

But at least now I'm brave

I know my heart is open

I can finally breathe

Don't be mad

It's just a brand new kinda free

That ain't bad

I found a brand new kinda me

Don't be mad

[one version:] It's a brand new time for me

[another version:] It's just a brand new time for me

My obsessions about race..frankly, it is annoying

In the last post, I wrote about my obsession with race, racism, and how social status relates to the concept of race.  When I go on forums, it is as if I am almost an expert despite my life history.  I haven't personally had my share of dealing with racism on a person level.  However, I am not stupid enough to know that there is still racism out there and there are people who do see people in a negative light.  I have had this obsession with this issue for a long time.  Why is that?  I do have opinions on more things than racism.  It is quite annoying at worst.  My desire is to change all that. I would like to know how to change all of that.