Crush turned into an obsession

I need to understand that I have questions and need understanding of what a spiritual reflection truly is.  I also need to understand that the image I love is no longer with us.  I confess that I thought I was in love with him.  I had feelings about this man that I realize are ungodly.  I felt sick about some of those thoughts.  Maybe I felt like I was going crazy.  I accept that I have this obsession.  While I do want this to end, I realize that this almost year long crush is just that, a crush.  It is weird to have one of those at my age.  However, I am not too old to have an obsession. I have become obsessed with him and the very image and thought about him.  In strange ways it has held me back from things that are more important.  I wonder if that was what God said about dying to self and taking up my cross daily.  I am supposed to renew my mind daily.  The truth is, that will be impossible, well almost. I have finally realized that it is possible.  I have had obsessive thoughts that have gone too far.  I even felt like I was losing it.  I accept that too.  Complaining about it and fussing over it does not help. I was even wondering where he is.  I wanted this man, or so I thought.  It has been hard to confess in the past, but not anymore.  I finally realize that I can take back some semblance of my life.  I can fall in love, get married, and have kids.  It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

Can I trust my own reflection even?

I often wondered ever since I was a kid what others saw in me.  What was most important is what I saw in myself.  How come is it that I can only see myself as a reflection?  Why do I have only a reflection that I may not not trust?  To me, not being able to see myself without a reflection is quite scary.  The world is an untrustworthy place so when if someone is telling me something false about me.  What if I am really a blonde yet the mirror sees a brunette.  I would like to be able to see my nose and my mouth without the use of a mirror for instance.  Would I also be able to trust myself?  I don't know if it is OCD, but I just cannot get over this.  I often concentrate on that very "issue".  If I were to see a picture of myself, how would I know if it is really me.  It may actually be someone else. The joke may actually be on me.

Changing my way of thinking

I wonder if I have become obsessed with answering and asking questions.  Truthfully, if I wish to get rid of something, I will have to be fair, honest, and positive.  If and only if that is the case that my wish to accept this obsessive thought or crush.  The only person who can influence my thinking or change my way of changing is me.  I accept the fact that at 41 years old, I no longer feel bad or have to ask questions.  I feel like it is just okay.  I have to realize that the crush is dead.  He was very handsome and thinking about him makes me feel very sad.  Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy but now I know I was not.  I am no longer ashamed of having a crush on someone who is dead.  I am not crazy at all.

One hundred percent

All I have been doing is to eat foods.  The smell of leftover duck left me nauseated.  I have no idea what to do with this duck though I realize it is not hard to prepare.  I have no idea how to overcome fully these obsessive thoughts.  That means that while they are manageable, I am not at 100%.  I guess I will never be.  The issue is my compulsions.  I do wonder if I will ever change and overcome my compulsions.  Just let things be.  

I am happy.

"Don't get too comfortable in the state that you're in...".  Those are lyrics to a song called "Higher" by Steve Middleton.  I know it is about God producing a change in all of us believers, if that is what it means.  It also means to me that one should not be complacent.  I have been too complacent.  I have not been happy, but today, I have been.  Just going back in time and just being young and letting loose feels good.  I wasn't uptight.  I wasn't rigid.  I just felt good and I had a smile on my face.  It was as if I didn't have a care in the world. For the first time in a long time, it truly felt great.  I felt great.  Sometimes going back can help one actually move forward.  I didn't feel like staying stuck in the past, but I felt energized.  I am ready to smile more and just be happy.  It was as if I felt that there was nothing that held me back,  even for a moment.  I took a little bit of action; that is the lesson I have learned today.  Take a little bit of action, but take nothing for granted either.

Taking action

I wish that I could complement myself more often.  Over the years I feel like that I am lazy and that my weight was a reflection of my laziness.  That is not the case thankfully.  I sometimes admit that I have gotten lazy over the years but that is just some way of being down on myself.  I have been for a long time because of my obsessive thoughts.  Being so set like this for almost a decade can do that to a person.  I have yet to overcome it.  There are things that I like to do that I probably haven't done in years.  I have been shielded and bound to this computer.  Though I have no social life outside of this computer, I feel safe.  Isolation makes me safe.  Being sheltered makes me feel safe.  Safety can either be a good thing or a bad thing.  Isolation can either be a good thing or a bad thing.  Being sheltered can be a bad thing.  However, I have learned a lot and leaned a lot in these past few years. However, I would like to change that.  I often have questions because I have no real answers.  It is either that, or, I have had the answers all along and didn't know it.  I have taken no action until now, but there have always been roadblocks in my way.  I don't know how to remove those roadblocks. The more things have changed for me, the more they stay the same.  They don't have to be that way, and that requires doing the hard work.  Ask for help.  Hold myself accountable.  Take action.  It doesn't hurt to do those things.  It is a challenge sometimes, but then again, so is life.

What happened today and what I hope will (continue to) happen

Right now, I am not having any doubts that I can lose weight and I can overcome these thoughts that I can't or have any other bothersome obsessive thought for that matter. The problem with me is I never put forth the effort or at least struggle to put forth the effort to follow my own advice.  Sometimes I forget what to do or I just forget what to write.  I also have issues with concentration and focus.  Interestingly enough, I focus on the wrong things such as what I get obsessed with at the moment, not always "realizing" that it is just fiction, like a movie for example.  I often get afraid of even the smallest things at even the smallest moments.  I like to watch things that are clean and wholesome.  Curse words bother me and now I am questioning myself about action films.  Should I watch them?  I feel that God is changing me little by little by little each day.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I am being renewed.  I guess that is what that means.