Sadly, these have been a story of my life. Judging from my blog posts, that seems to be a lot of what I was talking about. Mentally I am doing better than I have felt in a while now. That is only because I realize that in order to win there are times when one has to learn how to pick their battles. Fighting can be a losing battle but all challenges can be overcome. I have been left with confusion, anxiety, and worse health than I have ever imagined. I have been stressed out. I have grown tired. I am not tired now but I have been there for too long. It is stressful with dealing with anxiety, fair health, and looping thoughts, I felt trapped. It is rough having a misunderstood condition that I have to constantly live with everyday. Having this disorder and being bipolar with hormonal issues can cause quite a few problems for oneself if not checked. Well it has been checked and because of that, I will end up being better in the end. In the meantime, I am just glad that I don't have to worry about wondering why I always felt like the hamster spinning in a wheel.
A lot has happened in the last few years. I realize that while I can't go back, I certainly can learn from the past. I have made many misfires, missteps, and mistakes along the way. As right as I am, I have also made many different discoveries, even as I am writing this. I now have an opportunity to be free and enjoy life. The sad truth is, I like billions of others live in a sinful world and I realize that things won't always be smooth sailing. Right now, I am not 100% without having to deal with obsessive thoughts. Sometimes that can be frustrating. Maybe I should take the time to count my blessings instead of counting my frustrations.
I need You always, Wisdom. I have got to let this guy go. In fact, I have got to let the world actually pass me by. It may be easier for those thoughts to pass me by as well. I have gone tired of fighting, which is one of the ironies of having OCD. Maybe I should just relax. I don't know what more to do. I am tired of the worse case scenarios for instance. The thoughts focus on them all the time realizing that they could happen. Truth is stranger than fiction has become one of my least favorite quotes because of this worse case scenario. Being mindful and struggling to let the thoughts pass is a lot of work. OCD is really a lot of work and a lot to deal with. However, I have come to realize that there must have been a reason to struggle the way I have been. Well, it did draw me closer to the Lord, that is for sure. I am thankful for the OCD and I am thankful for knowing this guy who I liked. Lord, may he rest in peace.
After a rooftop chase, where his acrophobia and vertigo result in the death of a policeman, San Francisco detective John "Scottie" Ferguson retires. Scottie tries to conquer his fear, but his friend and ex-fiancée Midge Wood suggests another severe emotional shock may be the only cure.
An acquaintance from college, Gavin Elster, asks Scottie to follow his wife, Madeleine, claiming she has been possessed. Scottie reluctantly agrees, and follows Madeleine to a florist where she buys a bouquet of flowers, to the grave of Carlotta Valdes at Mission Dolores, and to an art museum where she gazes at Portrait of Carlotta, the subject of which Madeleine resembles. Finally, she enters the McKittrick Hotel, but when Scottie investigates, she is not there.
A local historian explains that Carlotta Valdes tragically committed suicide. Gavin reveals that Carlotta (who he fears is possessing Madeleine) is Madeleine's great-grandmother, although Madeleine has no knowledge of this, and does not remember where she has visited. Scottie tails Madeleine to Fort Point, and she leaps into San Francisco Bay. Scottie rescues her.
The next day Scottie follows Madeleine; they meet and spend the day together. They travel to Muir Woods and Cypress Point on 17-Mile Drive, where Madeleine runs down towards the ocean. Scottie grabs her and they embrace. Scottie identifies the setting of Madeleine's nightmare as Mission San Juan Bautista. He drives her there and they express their love for each other. Madeleine suddenly runs into the church and up the bell tower. Scottie, halted on the steps by his vertigo, sees Madeleine plunge to her death.
The death is declared a suicide. Gavin does not fault Scottie, but Scottie breaks down, becomes clinically depressed and is in a sanatorium, almost catatonic. After release, Scottie frequents the places that Madeleine visited, often imagining that he sees her. One day, he notices a woman who reminds him of Madeleine, despite her different appearance. Scottie follows her and she identifies herself as Judy Barton, from Salina, Kansas.
A flashback reveals that Judy was the person Scottie knew as "Madeleine Elster"; she was impersonating Gavin's wife as part of a murder plot. Judy writes to Scottie explaining her involvement with Gavin's murder of his wife. Gavin had deliberately taken advantage of Scottie's acrophobia to substitute his wife's freshly killed body in the apparent "suicide jump". Judy rips up the letter and decides to continue the charade, because she loves Scottie.
They begin seeing each other, but Scottie remains obsessed with "Madeleine" and asks Judy to change her clothes and hair so that she resembles Madeleine. After Judy complies, hoping that they may finally find happiness together, he notices her wearing the necklace portrayed in the painting of Carlotta, and realizes the truth. He insists on driving her to the Mission.
There, he tells her he must re-enact the event that led to his madness, admitting he now understands that "Madeleine" and Judy are the same person. Scottie forces her up the bell tower and makes her admit her deceit. Scottie reaches the top, finally conquering his acrophobia. Judy confesses that Gavin paid her to impersonate a "possessed" Madeleine; Gavin faked the suicide by throwing the body of his wife from the bell tower.
Judy begs Scottie to forgive her, because she loves him. He embraces her, but a shadowed figure rises from the trapdoor of the tower, startling Judy, who steps backward and falls to her death. Scottie, bereft again, stands on the ledge, while the figure, a nun investigating the noise, rings the mission bell.
why did my head start shaking that day and why do all the doctors have nothing to say left with so much dizziness all i can do now is pray and wonder if im going to live to see another day
this dizziness has made my life one big mess its even got me stressed and depressed it has taken total control of my life and i cant get away from the pain and strife
i think the dizziness is making me go insane and i feel like theres something seriously wrong with my brain now i think i might be mentally ill because i have to see a psychologist and take some kind of pill
suicide is a everyday thought and now i will never achieve the goals that i sought i dont know how much more i can take i hope this dizziness ends soon for my sake
Living with chronic dizziness can be a taxing and exasperating endeavor as medical cures are often few and far between. However, discerning the source of the dizziness can give clinicians a ‘heads up’ toward development of abatement strategies.
New research finds that chronic dizziness can stem from many different causes including anxiety disorders, migraine, and traumatic brain injury in the part of the nervous system governing involuntary activities.
The report is published in the February issue of Archives of Otolaryngology–Head & Neck Surgery, one of the JAMA/Archives journals.
One particular type of chronic dizziness not related to vertigo (a feeling of turning or whirling usually associated with inner ear problems) has long vexed physicians, according to background information in the article.
“Patients with this syndrome have chronic nonspecific dizziness, subjective imbalance and hypersensitivity to motion stimuli, which are exacerbated in complex visual environments (e.g., walking in a busy store, driving in the rain),” the authors write. Some researchers have proposed the term chronic subjective dizziness for this condition.
Jeffrey P. Staab, M.D., M.S., and colleagues at the University of Pennsylvania Health System, Philadelphia, studied 345 men and women age 15 to 89 (average age 43.5) who had dizziness for three months or longer due to unknown causes. From 1998 to 2004, the patients were tracked from their referral to a balance center through multiple specialty examinations until they were given a diagnosis.
“All but six patients were diagnosed as having psychiatric or neurologic conditions, including primary or secondary anxiety disorders, migraine, traumatic brain injury and neurally mediated dysautonomias,” or abnormal functioning of the autonomic nervous system, which controls involuntary actions.
Anxiety disorders were associated with 60 percent of the chronic dizziness cases and central nervous system conditions (including migraine, brain injuries and autonomic nervous system disorders) with 38.6 percent. Six patients (1.7 percent) had irregular heartbeats.
It has been over 20 years since I have realized that there are things that are of the old adage: the more things change, the more they stay the same. Why is that? Why does that adage ring true? It is the answer to what has been wrong with me these past 2 decades. I had struggled with these same struggles 20 years ago. This time, I can't just pick up and leave it all behind. I have to face it head on. I have to also see that there are some underlying issues that must be faced if I wish for my goals to be accomplished. I am present physically and otherwise yet I still feel like mentally I am out of control. It is quite an uncomfortable feeling to have. I have this a lot due to mania and anxiety. I have been diagnosed as being bipolar for more than that time and after all of these years, I have had doubts that I have been getting a good handle on it. I wonder this because of what I have described before. Maybe this is something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life but it can be managed, like the obsessive thoughts. Sometimes going back and making reference is a good thing. Staying back is not a good thing and it implies a failure to desire to move forward.
