Wanting to be brave

There are times when I want to be brave but I have difficulty.  Facing my fears and anxieties is quite hard.  I have grown tired of the fear and the anxiety-avoiding avoidance.  Things will happen in the world.  There is nothing I can do about it.  It is like finding a spider or a roach on a coffee table or a video.  I am cautious but it still makes me fearful.  No spider or roach has really done anything to me yet they scare the crap out of me.  I even see fake ones everywhere.  I guess it is like those thoughts that I tend to have.  I realize that trying to be certain of things can either do one or two things: it can cause me to gain more insight and give me the courage to face my fears or feed my thoughts some more.  With spiders and roaches, all I have to do is to get rid of them.  I wonder how to get rid of those thoughts?  I guess I have to be proactive and keep fighting.

Realizations and "Sunday Morning Rapture"

"Sunday Morning Rapture" is a film that I would recommend.  I thought about that film.  It did have an effect on me.  It was a profound effect.  I refuse to give myself all credit, but this morning, I have come to realize that I take way too much stock in what I watch, what I eat, or how I should feel.  They are important, but there are things that are more important and matters that are more weightier.  I have come to see that there are people who do wrong or bad things, but that does not mean that they are unforgivable or what they did cannot be forgiven.  I need to keep that in mind when another thought comes along.  I have spent so long being afraid.  I don't always see that we are all being watched.  With God, we have no privacy.  It is as if He is looking at us through a lens, His lens.  I have to also keep in mind that this world is temporary and that we all will be judged, as I am also not immune.  I know OCD is a condition but I still have to take responsibility for how I live my life.  I don't want to be afraid or anxious or shy anymore.  I want to change and go outside. I want to do new things and meet new people.  I have been cooped up for too long.

"Roar" by Katy Perry

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I've had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus:]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar

Now I'm floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I've had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus:]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You're gonna hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You'll hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...

Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You're gonna hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You'll hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...

Imagining myself as free from these thoughts.

I can barely imagine my life without these thoughts.  For a while that is quite scary.  I realize that my life had its share of ups and down, I wished that I could go back.  However, that is impossible.  I don't want to go back now.  The good thing about have these thoughts is about being wiser as one grows older.  I have just realized that life is just too short to worry.  I have also realized that I am worrying over nothing due to my anxiety.  It is interesting that the Bible says be anxious for nothing.  I guess it means that whatever the reason or whatever the need, we can present our requests to the Lord.  For me, being free of anxiety is very, very hard.  I have to remember that greater is He who is in me that who is in the world.  If only I have learned this lesson earlier.

Managing my thoughts

The sobering news has not been lost on me.  I will feel better, if I didn't have this cold.  I guess keeping busy and making a busy schedule does not work.  However I have to learn to manage my goals, for they are in the back of my mind.  If they are still in the back of my mind, then I have not fully managed it.  I have not "forgotten" it.  I have to keep busy and also learn to face my fears.  I have to see the episodes that scare me. I have to know if I am not going crazy.  I am glad to say that I am doing a better job managing my thoughts but managing those thoughts can be crazy at times.  Thoughts arriving suddenly are the most annoying part. I often wish that these thoughts would just go away and never come back.  That would be a great day for me to have.  I would like a day without having obsessive thoughts.

Sobering news....

I wish I could have thought on the things of God today.  The truth is, the problem wasn't with obsessive thoughts, but with reality.  Mentally I have not dealt with the worse case scenario in my head.  Mentally, I had to deal with the reality that my health could worsen.  As an OCD sufferer, I have to ask myself a rather silly question sometimes.  Which is worse, the worst case scenario that will probably never happen but the mind says so or the hope that I have for the real worse case scenarios?  It seems like a silly question, but to me both of them are scary.  I didn't have a health scare.  I got a wake up call.  It was sobering to say the least.  My goal is to live everyday like it is the last day of my life because anything could happen on any day.

Why oh why?

Is it normal to want to obsess about another subject? I hate having obsessive thoughts about television, infidelity, paternity tests, and divorce, and someone getting caught in adultery and fornication. This is true especially in movies and television. I wish I wasn't so obsessed with entertainment choices and unfaithfulness. Why couldn't I be obsessed over something even more mundane, like dolls or numbers? Or is this type of thinking abnormal because I wonder if every form of obsessive compulsive disorder is sometimes hard to deal with?