A Letter to God

Dear Heavenly Father,

There really isn't that much that I know of that I have to say. I prayed two long prayers and I do tend to loop even when I'm laying down. I admit that I have a crush on someone who has died. I know all of us will die and have to meet with You face to face one day. I do hope that He has made it. I am shy and I rather not say what His name is for fear that others may read it.

I don't care if others know that I have a crush on him, I really don't. However, it is about the fantasy world that I have created for myself. No matter what my reasoning is, the fantasy world gives me comfort and shelters me from the real world. As I have mentioned, the real world can be a cruel place. I am not sure how I will cope in the real world, yet I admit that sometimes I am more resilient and independent than I think. I am the kind of person who doesn't know her own strength.

Maybe that is the problem. I have such great insight into what is going on with me along with my flaws and my strengths that I just don't take the time to get to know me and who I am. How do I change things? How do You want me to change things? I just don't know. I am a shy person who likes to keep to myself and mind my business as I have done so today. Being nosy just doesn't work for me anymore as even the slightest bit of curiosity can trigger a series of bothersome obsessive thoughts.

I have had this issue for many years. It all started with reading a book review and some gossip, at least that is when things officially got worse. I have had this problem longer than that. I wonder if emotional and psychological issues are or have been my crosses to bear for all of those years. I wonder if I were bipolar, how would my life had turned out? Would I have been less suicidal? Would I not have any bothersome obsessive thoughts? I had some in high school and it was filled with regret.

All I do is try to reason things out and check and check some more and check some more. It can be very annoying and it can drive me crazy. Yes, I have OCD, but I have realized that I have yet to fully embrace it like I thought I did. Maybe that is the struggle. I will never truly accept or embrace that I have OCD and that there is no cure. This will always be a part of my life that I have to deal with, like being bipolar or having diabetes. I prayed for a miracle, but what is it You have in store for me? I ask that You would bring me out of my stress? OCD has caused me a lot of stress over the years...and a lot of anxiety.

I have had crushes on people, including celebrities, living and/or dead, obsessions with people, and moral or religious issues. I also wonder if my life will always be a series of obsessive thoughts that will go round and round. I also wonder if everything that I do will always be about the OCD, with all of the checking and with all of the compulsions. The thoughts are annoying but how can I get over the compulsions? When can I truly say that I don't care anymore, I give up, and after that, I just move on and move on for real? It will never be an issue in my life ever again.

Right now, I have "dealt" with not only my issues, but other people's as well. Cheating is wrong, period. There is no excuse for it. It is selfish, dishonest, and cowardly. I wonder why a person would commit such an act if they truly claim to love or respect their spouse when they don't honor their marriage vows or even themselves. I wonder how many people they have slept with. I like or check on stories of women in particular, committing infidelity. Ironically enough, it gives me a rush that I realize I don't really want or need. It is like the cycle of life, but more cruel and more vicious.

I have issues, yes, with bullying and with weight issues. Sometimes I wish I could obsess over other issues. I wish I have that choice, but I don't. It is as if the OCD has a personality that has taken a life on its own. I live in fear and doubt because of the OCD and I just cannot take it anymore. It can be too much to bear. It latches on to the fears, doubts, questions, and cares of my life. It is as if I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and on my mind. I would like to stop reasoning, having compulsion, and "deal" with the thoughts at hand. Help me, Lord. Show me what to do and help me to focus on what I need to focus on.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

Accepting and embracing thoughts about infidelity

Today I realize that it is best to tackle fear head on. As someone who is a bipolar with anxiety issues, it is much harder to do than most. It is as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have allowed these thoughts and fears to take over and I mean take over. It doesn't help that I have quite a few struggles including how I feel about myself. Is there a link between anxiety and how one feels about themselves? I do and now I wonder if I had dealt with the anxiety then I would like myself more. Maybe there is no link at all. I don't know.

That is how I feel meanwhile about why I have obsessive thoughts about infidelity at all. The truth is, I will never know. The best thing to deal with these thoughts is to accept the fact that I have them. I have my own thoughts about infidelity and I do come across as a hypocrite since according to the thoughts, a promiscuous wife is no wife at all. She is selfish and contemptible. I don't think of the cheating man in the same way as it is in his DNA. Men usually cheat more than women.

However, reality says different. Men and women cheat. While most women and men are faithful, I focus on those who have committed infidelity. I have to fight these thoughts daily. I am afraid of the triggers. The anxiety and the fear has had a control over my life for many years. It all started out within the past decade. Things have changed. My health has gotten worse, and my self-esteem lowered and I became more self-conscious. On the other hand, I became older, wiser, and more spiritual. If I could embrace aging then I could embrace anything. How hard can it be?

It has been hard to say the least. How can reconcile reality and how I feel about infidelity to what my mind says to me? It has been hard for me to reconcile fact from fiction. For example a fictional wife is caught in bed with another man, therefore I hate her and the person who plays her. The stories of actual cheating wives don't bother me anymore. OCD makes no sense and it probably never has. Trying to apply logic to OCD is impossible. The best thing I can do is not only to face the fear head on but to not rationalize or fight but to embrace it as a thought that goes against all that I have and all who I am. I have to just see it as a thought, nothing less, nothing more.

I know that infidelity is wrong and it is a selfish, sinful act in which there is no justification. I realize that one doesn't have to be pure evil or immoral to do wrong. On the other hand, it doesn't make one a good person either. I am not saying that adulterers are all evil, but if that were the case, so are the rest of us. I too am an adulterer. I am unfaithful, selfish, and have done some evil, cowardly things in my life. For example, a man who has said that his dead wife slept with everyone. I can dismiss it as a thought and that she did not literally sleep with everyone, but she should not have cheated with so many people. If the person was a man, then I would say the same thing. Having said all of that, maybe I should take the time to write out those thoughts and then replace them with what is real and what is mundane and what is true. What is true is that like Gomer and the adulteress in John 8, the two guilty women were redeemed and that unrepentant sinners like adulterers do not spend eternity with God. What is also true is that like the adulterer we all are against the Lord. I could just replace these thoughts with true thoughts that express what I feel about the situation and how I truly feel about said adulterer. I thought about it this morning and I realize some strategy has be be used to view the thoughts as illogical and something to embrace. It is hard to explain but the strategy is to not to let the fear and anxiety take over. I hope this "strategy" works.

The "OCD Persona"

My life has been one big obsession after another after another after another.

The OCD is not just an annoying issue, but seemingly a part of me. I need to be careful because the "personage" of the OCD has been around for a long time. It has become a part of my identity and it scares me. I don't feel guilty about that, but I do feel as if it does control my life. It makes me wonder about my identity. I know it is not me as a whole person, but it is the OCD "persona".

I find myself caring about what the OCD "persona" thinks and it has influenced my beliefs. That is what concerns me. I wish I could get over it and move forward but I cannot, because it is just not that simple. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to not have an obsessive thought for just one day. It would be a great day of relief. However, if they were gone, now what?

I cannot imagine my life without this "persona" yet I wonder what kind of person I would be without it. I have had it for so long I cannot comprehend not the relief but just the freedom that it comes without the thoughts and the compulsions. I wish I didn't care about a book written, a celebrity divorce, or a celebrity crush or obsession. I wish that I didn't care about a woman who is cheating, a person, living or dead, or even a kidnapped baby. Those things I find upsetting and sometimes incredibly sad that people would do such horrible things. I guess those are the things that the "persona" wants me to think. But what do I want to think? What should I care about? I just hate having to live the alternatives to the "persona" because even then, do I feel like having been controlled by the "persona".

The "persona" has taken a life of its own for years and I felt like it is my fault for keeping it alive. I have had symptoms of both OCD and bipolar for many years; I wonder if I were to have known about things earlier how different would things have been. Sadly, I will never know.

Repost from 4/25/15

I still have to deal with the compulsions and looking up information. I wish I could just stop it and not give in.  I mind the compulsions even less, though.  I will always thoughts and thoughts do come (which felt so discouraging at times).  The reality is, what discouraged me is really what encouraged me.  I have thoughts and I have learned to count my blessings.  I am still anxious about things but even that has become more manageable.  I would love to live at least a day where I can be "free" from the daily cares, anxieties, and obsessive thoughts.  I would also like to cherish these thoughts by accepting them and by embracing them.  That is my goal.

I have a lot of good news...

Not even yesterday was there too much to tell.  That was why I put up a quote.  Yesterday was one of those days that I just rushed in just so I can fill up "blog space".  I have more than one blog and it can be difficult to keep up at times.  The blogs are about how my day is, reflections, etc.  In short, they are just about me and who I am.  Right now, I am writing about having Obsessive compulsive disorder.  It can be a pain to deal with.  It can also be annoying...quite annoying.  I used to name the other "persona" because it felt like I was another person different from who I am.  I hated that other "persona".  I just called her the "OCD Persona". I even described it, or rather her. It was as if I had another personality that was in my head. She was hard to get rid of.  It was really about me and my own issues in the end.  While I am doing so much better and it has gotten more manageable, I am not out of the woods yet.  I still have to deal with the compulsions and looking up information. I wish I could just stop it and not give in.  I mind the compulsions even less, though.  I will always thoughts and thoughts do come (which felt so discouraging at times).  The reality is, what discouraged me is really what encouraged me.  I have thoughts and I have learned to count my blessings.  I am still anxious about things but even that has become more manageable.  I would love to live at least a day where I can be "free" from the daily cares, anxieties, and obsessive thoughts.  I would also like to cherish these thoughts by accepting them and by embracing them.  That is my goal.

How I'm Doing

A good or bad thing

Today there isn't much to tell.  That is a good thing.  I have better understanding on how to manage my thoughts.  My obsessions have lessened and so have my compulsions.  I still wonder about cheating spouses, especially in certain situations.  Some situations still worry me because they are a bit scary but even those are disappearing.  I am feeling so much freer.  That is the thing that concerns me.  Now what?  How am I going to wake up every morning knowing how free I am?  I feel like I don't want to jinx myself every time I admit something.  The last time I felt freer was the time when I couldn't take it anymore.  It took a while but I have realized that I have learned to accept it.  I realize that for now, I am okay and I will be okay.  The scariest part for now is that I have to look around the corner since the OCD thoughts arrive so suddenly.  I just hope that I don't forget how to deal with the struggle of having OCD.  It has been a long time coming.  I feel normal again.  For the first time in years, I am not yet 100%, but I feel so much better and so much more confident.  I am truly okay.  I can finally say that with a clear mind.