I am truly okay.

I am mentally okay.  I finally realized that caring what others think has been detrimental in every area of my life.  I am so relieved and set free from caring what others believe about me.  It isn't just a message about self esteem.  It is about loving one self.  It is also about self respect.  I believe that when a person spends his or her life trying to please other people, then they begin to lose a sense of self.  I finally realized that for the first time, I am worth it.  I am worthy and I respect myself.  That isn't just a good feeling.  It is also spiritually and emotionally free.  I love this sense of freedom.  I have been saved not only from sin (though saying we have no sin in us is a lie) but also from doubt, fear, anxiety, and being scared.  It would have also a negative effect on my reaching out to others due to the doubt and the guilt.  I cannot create any videos and witness to others about the Lord whenever I partake in sin that I have not repented of.  That in my opinion was why I have spent my life worrying so much about food, weight, and just worrying period.  I have struggled for years, and it has been a stronghold.  Finally, I feel a huge weight lifted off of me.

Continued break.

Taking another break.  I will be back tomorrow.

Doctor's appointment

I have come to realize thanks to my doctor, that if I want to control my appetite, then I have got to keep taking my meds.  Right now, I feel so encouraged by that news.  I realize that I can handle things myself and I have done so, at least to a point.  I have been binge-eating lately which if I don't , then my health will worsen.  I even felt that my body was shutting down.  Good news: it wasn't shutting down.  It only feels that way.  I believe that if I want to work at my weight, and all other issues, then I wouldn't feel so badly about my health.

How am I doing?

I am okay.  There is not much that I can say right now.  I feel okay right now.  I am not worried though.  I am distracted right now.  I realize that a distraction, even a little bit, will do me no good.  I get distracted often so I need to either improve on my "lack of distraction skills".  In other words, I have a rather short attention span.  That is unfortunate and that needs to change.  I am doing better at that, however.

"His Eye is on The Sparrow" by Sister Rosetta Tharpe

Why should I feel discouraged?

And why should the shadows come?

Why should my heart feel lonely

And long for heavenly home

When Jesus is my portion?

And my constant friend is He

You know, his eye is on the little sparrow

And I know he cares for you and me

His eye is on the little sparrow

And I know God is watching over you and me

I sing because my soul is a happy

I sing because I'm free

For His eye, it is on the little sparrow

And I know He's watching over you and me

"Take Me To Church" by Hozier

This song plays in my head a lot.  And I mean a lot.  I first listened to this song when I was watching a ballet performance from Sergei Polunin.  I never paid much attention to the song until I watched the performance recently.  It could very well be interpreted as a religious or a spiritual song, but it would be a wrong way to interpret it.  As a matter of fact it is a critique of the Catholic Church and a mix of religion and sexuality.  I wrote this out because I have had obsessions about this song.  I finally realized that there is and will always be a difference between curiosity and just plain obsessive "research".  They look similar but are far from similar.  In fact, one of them is natural; it is especially true for a child to be curious.  The other one is anxiety-driven and in the end produces even more anxiety.  So, I realize that mindfulness involves keeping that differences in mind.

"I Won't Let You Fall (Lean on Me)" by Helen Miller

Jesus said if you lean on me

Jesus said you can lean on me

Jesus said if you lean on me

And I won’t let you fall, if you just lean on me

Jesus said if you - lean on me

Jesus said if you just - lean on me

Oh! Jesus said you can - lean on me

I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall if you lean on me

Oh! I will bare your burdens if you - lean on me

Oh! I’ll bare your burdens if you just - lean on me

Oh! I know how to bare your burdens you can - lean on me

I won’t let you fall, oh; I won’t let you fall if you lean on me

And when the load gets heavy you can - lean on me

Oh! When the load gets heavy you can - lean on me

Oh! When the load gets heavy you can always - lean on me

I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall if you lean on me
Oh! Jesus said if you - lean on me
Oh! Jesus said if you just - lean on me
Oh! I heard Jesus say you can - lean on me
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall if you lean on me
Instrumental Only - Music
Drums, Tambourine and clapping only this section
You don’t if to worry if you - lean on me
Oh! You don’t have to worry if you - lean on me
Oh! You don’t have to worry if you just - lean on me
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I promise not to let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I promise not to let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I know how to hold you; I won’t let you fall
I know how to hold you; I won’t let you fall
If you just lean on me; I won’t let you fall
You can just lean on me; I won’t let you fall
In the midnight hour; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
You can lean on me; I won’t let you fall
You can lean on me; I won’t let you fall
When a load get heavy; I won’t let you fall
When your load get heavy; I won’t let you fall
I’ll bare your burdens; I won’t let you fall
I’ll bare your burdens; I won’t let you fall
Drums, Tambourine and clapping only this section
My yokes is easy; I won’t let you fall
My burden is light; I won’t let you fall
I don’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
You can lean on me; I won’t let you fall
You can lean on me; I won’t let you fall
When everybody else is gone; I won’t let you fall
You can lean on me; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you; I won’t let you fall
No! I won’t let you; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
Never, never let you fall; I won’t let you fall
If you lean on me; I won’t let you fall
If you lean on me; I won’t let you fall
I’ll be there; I won’t let you fall
I’ll be there; I won’t let you fall
I’ll never leave you; I won’t let you fall
I’ll never forsake you; I won’t let you fall
Come on and lean on me; I won’t let you fall
Come on and lean on me; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
Oh, No! I won’t let you fall
Oh, No! I won’t let you fall
Come on and give Him praise – Instrumental Only Section
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
Oh, No! I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you fall; I won’t let you fall
You can depend on me; I won’t let you fall
You can lean on me; I won’t let you fall
You can trust in me; I won’t let you fall if you lean on me
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Oh thank you Lord!
Thank you that I got somebody to lean on
Thank you that I got a leaning post
Thank you that I’m not on my own, oh Lordy - Hallelujah