Today's reflection

There are times when you want to fights.  However, there are other times where a thought is about to be let go.  Personally, the best fight is no fighting at all, especially when it comes to obsessive thoughts.  I often have thoughts about fictional characters.  Last night, I was watching a rather strange film about a woman who ends up losing it.  It is a shame since her husband has died towards the end of it.  I allowed myself to feel the anxiety.  It was okay.  Right now, I am anxious typing this.  I would like for the anxiety to pass due to what I am writing right now.  Actually I am pretty anxious right now. I realize that the imagery is scarier to me compared to the actual thought.  I wish the whole disorder would just pass.

Intrusive Thoughts: The Intruders You Want to Kick Out.

Intrusive Thoughts: The Intruders You Want to Kick Out.

from Martin N. Seif, Ph.d.

Every highly anxious person has to cope with intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are frightening thoughts about what might happen to you or someone you care about, or what you might do to yourself or another person. They seem to come from outside of your control, and their content feels alien and threatening.

For some people, intrusive thoughts are part and parcel of panic or intense anxiety. In these types of intrusive thoughts, it feels like the thoughts come about as a result of the anxiety, and they function to add more fear to the anxiety you are already experiencing. The intrusive thoughts keep the anxiety going, and maintain the fear-producing spiral. So, for example, you might think, "what if I have a heart attack?" in the midst of an anxiety attack. You are already in the altered state of consciousness that I call anxious thinking, and your thoughts feel likely to happen.

However, there is another class of intrusive thoughts that I call intrusive obsessive thoughts. These thoughts seem to come from out of nowhere, arrive with a distressing whoosh, and cause a great deal of anxiety. The content of intrusive obsessive thoughts almost always focus on sexual or violent images. Here are typical examples of intrusive obsessive thoughts: "Killing someone. Torturing a pet animal. Stabbing a child. Throwing someone (or yourself) out of a window. Jumping onto a train track as the train comes into the station. Molesting a child. Raping someone. Taking off your clothes in public." This is not a complete list, but it gives you a good feeling of the content of these thoughts.

People who experience intrusive obsessive thoughts are afraid that they might commit the acts they picture in their mind. They might imagine hurting someone or committing an act of sexual violation. Intrusive obsessive thoughts can be very explicit, and most people are embarrassed and frightened of them.

Source of article

Learning more and more about having these thoughts

There are no excuses that I will make.  I need clarity in my life.  I am learning more and more about having obsessive thoughts.  Reasoning with them and fighting them do not work.  Crying over them do not work though a good cry can and is helpful.  I remember the good cries that I had.  Having obsessive thoughts is hard.  It can be so debilitating to the point that one's world gets smaller and smaller.  That has been and in some cases, still is, what has gone on in  my life.    I guess that I have to keep on fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting.  The computer ironically has made the obsessions worse because it has helped, or rather hurt, me in terms of feeding my thoughts. Performing compulsions are even harder and more frustrating to deal with.  They do much to help feed those exceptions because they only provide temporary relief.  In fact, as I am writing in this journal I have come to realize that the internet has ironically been my shield from all of those negative and annoying thoughts.  Now I realize that it is time to lay off of the internet for a while, which will be even harder to do, but it will be worth it.

Is there an obsession to lose weight?

I wasn't so sure what I was going to write about today.  Every prayer that I have prayed has an answer.  I prayed about my life, including fictional characters.  My prayer is that I didn't ask amiss.  I often write about my health and my prayer.  I am tired of the struggle to lose weight.  I feel that today is a time to be healthy and made whole.  I love fried foods like many people, but I have wondered if it is a good or bad idea to cut out completely fried foods.  I do not eat a healthy diet, but I would like to change my diet.  I have gained weight instead of losing weight.  I have and still am, tired of the struggle.  I am sure if I have been obsessed with my weight, but so I have to pray about and deal with my obsessions.  I feel like my life is filled with obsessive patterns.  Including my weight and lack of activity, I have a desire to change.  What am I waiting for?

Why Planning Ahead with Bipolar Is Tough

Why Planning Ahead with Bipolar Is Tough
Posted on October 30, 2015 by Natasha Tracy

People with bipolar have a hard time planning ahead. I know it seems like it would be easy: “Want to go to lunch Tuesday?” “Sounds like fun. Sure!” but it isn’t (How To Be Bipolar And High Functioning). And the reason is because bipolar disorder is highly unpredictable. Yes, I might feel fine right now but I literally have no idea what tomorrow will bring (Using Bipolar As An Excuse). This is why planning ahead with bipolar is really tough.

Planning Ahead with Bipolar
As I was recently explaining to a couple of people, if you imagine mood as a spectrum from -3 (not feeling good) to +3 (feeling great) with 0 being something close to average, most people float around a -2 to +2 most of the time, occasionally dipping down or floating up. This makes these people fairly reliable. This means that even if these people aren’t feeling their best, they’re still feeling okay enough to get their day done. It means that if you have lunch planned with them on Tuesday, they will not likely be stopped from showing up by their mood.

Planning ahead with bipolar disorder is tough, but why? Why can't people with bipolar stick to a plan? Here's the answer in a nutshell. Read this.Bipolar, on the other hand, is very different. We live in more of a -10 to +10 kind of a world and where each person hovers is individual. For me, it’s probably a -4 on a decent day. So on my decent days, I still feel worse than the average person does on their very bad days. That’s the joy of bipolar.

Why Planning Ahead with Bipolar is Tough

Being different

I was listening to No Doubt's "Hella Good" and this video awakened something within me

that I buried.  I am an alternative person who likes cosplay, anime, alternative clothing and design, and listened to music that is outside the norm for a black person.  Yes, I am a black American. I am a woman who wishes that she didn't spend most of her life caring what others think.  That has been what was dragging me down.  Whenever I say "alternative", I mean anything dealing with punk, ska, reggae, rock, goth, metal, and emo.  That fascinates me.  I have always been afraid of being different, but now I want to change that.  I want to be the strong person I could be.  When I was growing up, I didn't just listen to Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson.  I also grew up on Ozzie Osbourne, Kiss, Mettalica, and Motley Crue.  I was always different somehow whether it be from other kids, especially other black kids, my family, and nowadays even the rest of the world.  Being different has made me scared because I was afraid of the ridicule and the put downs.  I am a black person who has not voted for Obama.  I listened to a 70s British glam rock band called "Sweet" and I love their music.  This all has me thinking.  I am honest here, now it is finally time for me to be more honest with myself and with the world.  It is time I take a stand.  It is time to be free.  It is time I would be myself.

Repeating what I listen to

 "Hella Good" by No Doubt

I have a tendency to play a song for a while.  Sometimes I promise myself that I will play something else only to play the same song over and over again.  I wonder if that is obsessive or just normal.  Anyways, this is one of many songs that I love listening to that keeps me mindful.  I need to be more conscious of my surroundings.  I know that my thoughts are not based on my reality, but they are real.  They seem real at the time because they exist.  I will always have thoughts and I have to accept the fact that I may always have these thoughts as scary as that may sound.  I don't like it, but I have to learn to deal with it.  If I could get over many obsessions that I have had then I could deal with this large topic of infidelity.  It is as if I have allowed it to get bigger and bigger and more complicated.  However, having OCD has taught me to appreciate God and myself.  I have become a stronger person as a result.  I never thought that would happen.  I believe that honesty is truly the best policy.  I have come to realize that being honest is a whole lot better than living in deception.  I am feeling so much better now.